Relationships Talk

Oh hello there, nice of you to stop by and read the feature. Guessing you related to the title? Can’t we all, girl? No really, during the research phase of this piece, I’ve come to find that almost everyone is dating or has dated a “Dubai Guy”.

If you’re new to the party *waves*, grab some tea and a note pad, because we are going to dive deep into the subject.

Ready? Let’s begin…

What is a Dubai Guy?

A Dubai Guy is a dude (notice how I don’t say guy or man – this is partially due to repetition – I’m a pro of sorts; and because men don’t act like boys) who has just moved to Dubai (lived in the city for less than two years) and who has gone from being the nicest person to being the biggest narcissist you’ve ever met. The exact cause of this is not yet known but research suggests that it’s due to the city’s love of glitz and glamour.

Signs That You’re Dating A Dubai Guy:

While every city has its beloved group of men who can’t seem to give you a straight answer, you’ve come to find that most guys here just really can’t give you a concreate response when it comes to what they want.

During our quest to understand why this is, we asked a group of guys (men that have lived here for more than three years), and the best answer we got was as follows, *clears throat*: “Imagine moving to a city that’s home to everything you’ve ever wanted and, more. You have an urge to see as much as possible in as little time as possible, as you don’t know just how long you have in this magical utopia. So, you prioritise yourself.” As harsh as that sounds, it does make sense.

Let’s have a sip of that delicious tea, shall we?

All good? Now, let’s take a deep breath, because my next topic is bound to wind you up, a little. 

Dubai Guy Lingo: What He Really Means and What You Should Do Instead

I’d really like to come but I need to wash my car.”

via GIPHY

What he means: “That sounds pretty boring, but thanks for the invite.”

What you should do: Move on. Sorry, that was a bit harsh. What I meant to say was “girl open your eyes, he isn’t interested.” Either that, or he really, really loves his car, which means that he will probably never love you as much as he loves it.

“I’d really love to come to your very important, probably career-related, event but I have to go to the gym.”

What he means: Just that, actually.

What you should do: This is similar to the car story, only he’s the car in this scenario. So, while he may like you – he likes himself just a tad bit more. Now, before you turn the page or roll your eyes so far back, that you can see your brain, listen up. I’m not saying that every guy who works out is bad or doesn’t value you. What I’m saying is, if you like a guy enough to invite him to a work event, where your fellow colleagues will be there, he’d best appreciate it and at least come for a little bit, even if it’s late. If he doesn’t budge – buy yourself a good book, make some tea and/or, go for a walk. Don’t stress eat and do not cancel any more of your plans to accommodate his. Repeat after me: “I am not a doormat and I matter.”

“I’ll be there after brunch.”

via GIPHY

What he means: “I will be there a bit late, with a few friends that you’ve never met or heard of before, and I’ll be probably be hungry.

What you should do: Ask to meet another day, for breakfast – preferably. The last thing you need is to be upset when you are just as entitled to enjoy your day off as he is.

“Are you free after 10pm?”

What he means: “I really want to see you but I want to go to the gym and wash my car first.”

What you should do: First of all does he even have a job? Is he a doctor? DJ? A late show radio presenter? If he’s none of the above then – what’s he playing at? Does he even sleep?! Some people are just so inconsiderate. Sorry, my inner granny just couldn’t be contained anymore. I’m fine now, she’s listening to Mozart and knitting, *blinks slowly, one eye-lid at a time*. Meeting really late for a walk or ice-cream is fine, every now and then. But every single time? Girl, you’re going to get fired for being so tired all the time and, any man who really cares about you, won’t let that happen. So – find yourself a man that works decent-ish hours, has some form of time management and respects you enough to let you sleep. Mmkaay?

“I’m not free this weekend but I can see you on Sunday.” Repeat every Thursday.

via GIPHY

What he means: “I don’t want to be tied down, I like you but not enough to see when you when I’m actually free.”

What you should do: Dump him, immediately. Any man who’s happy to be there during the week and not when he’s actually free, is not worth your time. You’re basically a free therapist or a fun distraction to help him get through his 9 to 5.

“I really like you but…”

What he means: “I really like you, honestly, but I’m not ready to commit to anything or anyone. Please don’t make this awkward or want more. However, I’m happy to keep hanging out. Just don’t ask for a label.”

What you should do: The infamous “but”, as soon as you hear this – imagine a lanky ginger saying the above to you. That’s me. I feel you girl but you need to accept that some guys just aren’t ready. It has nothing to do with you. So, accept it with grace, and move on. 

I’m aware that this article really isn’t the happiest but I think that sometimes accepting the harsh reality of a situation is better than living in a bubble and ending up hurt every three to six months. So, what I would suggest is that you focus on yourself.

Focus on being the best version of you there is. Someone (my mum) once told me that “true love finds you and if it’s meant to be, it will be.”

Now, that doesn’t mean that you lock yourself up in your house for days or weeks on end – the only guy you’ll meet is the delivery boy – who I’m sure is great but may not be what you’re looking for.

No, what I’m saying is sometimes people tell you exactly what they want and need but you choose to ignore it or, only partially listen. It’s what my sister (who is a trained psychologist) describes as the “exception rule”, where every girl thinks that she can change or help a guy become just who she needs or “make him the best possible version of himself”. The key to breaking this cycle to listen and accept things as they are.

How To Heal

Being “with” someone indecisive in every aspect of the word can be hard and can have a great impact your mental state – been there. So, to help you nurture your soul, I’ve devised a list of activities to help you do just that.

Put the phone down

This will help you reconnect with yourself and really appreciate your surroundings. It will even make you more approachable. And, who doesn’t love a guy with confidence?

Take up boxing

Because punching someone is bad and will probably land you in an orange jumpsuit, it’s best to take out your anger on a bag. The benefits of boxing (increased physical and mental strength) are great, too.

Have some “me” time

If you’ve been through a rough breakup or several breakups, the best way to heal is to start with yourself. Take the time to figure out what you want. You may even find that there were a few things that you did to enable his behaviour.

Right, I’m going to leave you now. But remember that you’re a strong, independent woman who’s capable of anything and everything. I believe in you and have a great feeling that your friends and family do, too.

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3 Signs You’re Ruining The Relationship, Not Him

No more swiping.

By Lisa Holden

Remember the 90s and early 00s before online dating sites and apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge became the best way most people know how to meet men or women?

Personally, I was a child, but I was a child obsessed with romantic comedies where everything seemed absolutely urgent, exciting, and such hard work!

I always pictured my future adulthood spent in absurd situations where my gay best friend pretended to be my fiancé à la Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding, or perhaps I’d have to go to a wedding and face my ex, like Debra Messing in The Wedding Date, or maybe I was so often a bridesmaid that the local paper would do a cover story on my tragedy, like Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses.

RELATED: 8 Hilariously Awful First Date Stories That Will Make You Swear Off Dating Apps Forever

But as it turns out, there’s a lot less urgency in today’s typical dating arena — and in fact, things can start to feel a little like a video game:

Swipe left.
Swipe right.
Left.
Right.
Right.
Hi, how’s your Tuesday going?
Would you like to get a drink on Thursday?
Hey, I had a nice time, but this isn’t a fit for me.
And repeat.

Robots. I think we can all agree we kinda miss the whimsy and excitement of an in-person meet up.

As it turns out, there are myriad options for dating in the 21st century that involve no swiping whatsoever. Don’t believe me? Well, you’re in luck, because like a hero, I spent two weeks turning away from my dating apps (yes, even my beloved Bumble) and pretending I was dating in the 90s.

Things have changed a bit since those days, but one thing remains constant: dating without the apps is higher risk, more fun, and more work!

But how — and where — can you possibly meet men or women without apps these days?

I’ll take you on my dating journey as I recount 6 ways I tried looking for love offline.

1. Meeting someone at a work conference

At the very least, it’s practice dating; at most, you meet someone worth getting on a plane for.

I was on a solo business journey in the Midwest, eating alone, when I noticed a total babe who had that kinda corn-fed look that comes from being raised on football and beef. Without my apps to distract me, I sat there, enjoying my dinner, making myself just available enough to be approached (but hopefully not so available that people felt sad for the 30-something lady dining alone).

That’s a tough balance to strike, people, but a healthy confidence can flip the scales in your direction.

Corn-fed beef over there wasn’t making a move, so I ventured to be a little bolder than usual and ask him a question about the football game on TV.

Easy, because my baseline knowledge of sports is exactly zero.

He bit, and we started chatting immediately. Turns out he was also attending the conference I was speaking at, and he was also single AF. Game. On.

We shared some wine and the kind of fun, intimate conversation that can happen when the likelihood of meeting again is low enough to exchange some secrets.

The conference lasted a couple more days, and every time I saw him in the expo hall, we’d wink or smile, and at the evening networking events, I had a built-in buddy.

On the last day, we parted ways with a fist bump right before I went on stage, and it made me feel like a freaking rock star.

Wherever you are now, corn-fed beef, thanks for the memories.

RELATED: 5 Ways To Find Your Soulmate & Fall In Love (When Dating Apps Aren’t Working)

2. Matchmakers and dating coaches

I’d never worked with a matchmaker before, so I sat down with founder and matchmaker at Agape Match Maria Avgitidis to get the lowdown.

Being on the phone with her for 40 minutes was part interview, part personal dating coach session, and I’m forever grateful for nuggets of wisdom like, “Avoid self-deprecating jokes, the universe listens to stuff like that,” and, “No need to give men more information than necessary. You can leave a date by saying, ‘It’s time for me to go,’ and let them think you’re Cinderella.”

Mind-blowing advice wasn’t the only thing Maria shared.

She explained that matchmakers and dating coaches are great because they either do the swiping and the matching on your behalf or give you lessons on how to get more efficient at it yourself.

Her team at Agape doesn’t consider themselves in competition with the apps, but rather power users.

According to Maria, “Not being on the apps today is like not having an email address.”

So while you might be reading this for ideas to get off the apps entirely, consider the possibility that you could outsource the operation instead of removing it from your life.

If you can’t afford a matchmaker, that’s OK, too.

San Francisco-based dating coach and relationship counselor Lauren Korshak, MA, MFT, says many matchmaking companies will allow you to join their databases for free.

A handful she suggests checking out are OkSasha, Find Love at Last, Skilled Attraction, and others.

3. Enlisting a wingman

If outsourcing to strangers isn’t your thing, consider letting someone you know and trust take over your dating apps.

I saw a guy on Bumble recently whose description said, “This is sometimes Brad, but it’s mostly his sister-in-law.”

Such a great disclaimer, because if Brad’s sister-in-law accidentally swipes right on Brad’s coworker, his friend’s ex, or someone he ghosted, it’s clearly an innocent mistake.

Like most things, there’s an app for this, very appropriately named Wingman.

Available on iOS and Android, the platform allows you to designate up to four wingmen who can suggest introductions, and if it’s a match, you take over the conversation privately from there.

I spoke with the company’s CEO and founder, Tina Wilson, who explained, “Many people have fatigue around dating apps, so tap into your friends and family, who are great resources to help you meet the right person.”

I wish I’d known about this app when I let my mom give my dating life a whirl.

RELATED: What Happened When I Went On 20 Dates In One Night

4. Speed Dating

You gotta try it. Not necessarily because it’s where all the soulmates are hiding, but it’s equal parts effective and absurd.

In other words, it’s great for going on a handful of mini dates in one night so you get a crash course in the art of dating small talk.

Just make sure you’re well rested, fed, and hydrated, because it’s a very long night.

I spoke with Australia-based Brett Couston, who co-founded modernized speed-dating company CitySwoon with his wife, Louise O’Connor. The pair created the company to bring speed dating into the 21st century and were kind enough to let me attend a few events.

They work like this:

• Sign up for a CitySwoon event, and receive the time and location over email.
• Arrive at a seemingly normal bar with normal attendees on what feels like a normal night.
• Check in via your phone upon arrival, and wait for the event to begin.
• You’ll know it’s begun when your phone pings you with the first name and a single headshot of your first match, who is also in said bar, and it’s your job to find one another.
• Once you make contact, sit and enjoy each other’s company for 10 or so minutes until your phone pings you both for your next match to begin.
• Repeat for 90 minutes.

The biggest con of speed dating is the events usually start a bit late.

There’s no minute longer than a waiting-for-your-date-to-start minute. Not a microwave minute, not a treadmill minute, nothing.

So 15 of those is torture, but I’m here to tell you this is equal parts thrilling and exhausting, and we should all try it at least once.

If you think you’re bad at dating, this is the crash course you need to work out those conversation starters and become a pro. And if you think you’re good at dating, this is a new challenge that will shake it up and keep it interesting. Plus, afterward, I treat myself to ice cream.

5. Karaoke

Here’s why it works. There are exactly two kinds of people who like karaoke: attention seekers and attention givers.

If you’re a seeker (me) and you’re not on stage, you’re bored as hell.

You’re only there to get the mic and let the world watch you shine, so anyone who gives you attention when it’s not your turn is going to really stand out.

I was recently at my favorite karaoke dive with my fellow attention-seeker friend Chelsea, and we were bringing the house down with Salt-N-Pepa’s “Shoop.”

I remembered the name of the cute guy who’d sung before us, and at each chorus, I started razzing him to sing along, shouting his name and insisting he knew the words.

He loved it, his friend group loved it, and guess what?

After the song, he bought me a beer and got my number, and last weekend, we went to the movies.

That’s right — a date from meeting in real life. It. Can. Happen!

6. A Healthy Backslide

Don’t diminish that metaphorical little black book of your past beaus gone wrong.

OK, you’ve said it’s never gonna work, but really ask yourself why.

You might have noticed there’s always a little something that keeps you coming back — but maybe there’s a little something that keeps you from taking this seriously.

Examine that thing instead. If it’s not a dealbreaker, consider restructuring your mindset to give it a real shot.

If you’ve overlooked a quality person because you were going through a “me” phase, the worst that can happen from you pinging this past romance is they will feel flattered but decline.

The best that could happen is you kick back into gear with someone you’re now emotionally ready for.

Now, as you imagine a world without the instant gratification of a match, consider picking your head up and looking around for a moment to take a risk and pretend you’re in a ’90s rom-com.

Surprisingly, you might end up having more fun doing more work. Good luck out there!

RELATED: How To Meet Men Without Dating Apps & Finally Fall In Love With Your Soulmate

Lisa Holden is a PopSugar writer who covers love, relationships, and dating. She’s been on more than 100 first dates, and likes to share her experiences with other single ladies. Follow her on Twitter for more dating and love content.

This article was originally published at PopSugar. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Recently, I was on the receiving end of a pretty familiar text message. In it, the man I’d been seeing for just over a month — who had verbally indicated on multiple occasions that he was looking for something long-term, and that I was someone he could see himself with in that capacity — told me that he wasn’t interested in anything serious. “But we should still hang out,” he typed, wink face included.

The subtext to that text? “I just wanna fuck.” And that was a direct contrast to what he’d told me before.

Apparently it’s extremely common that people in a short-term relationship break up like this. I’ve spoken to the men and women in my life about this, and pretty much they’ve all done it. They offer up plenty of justifications for why they wait until someone is comfortable before telling them they’re only interested in hooking up. “If we led with it, they would just stop talking to us,” said one friend. When I explained to him that manipulating a person into agreeing to a kind of relationship you never expect to follow through on is actually a dick move, it was like I’d told him they’d successfully colonized Mars.

“There is a right and a wrong way to tell someone you just want to hook up,” says sexologist Megan Stubbs, followed by the relationship advice that works in pretty much every scenario. “It’s all about open communication.”

What I wish I could have told the man who had just sent me the wink face emoji was that I may have been interested in a more casual relationship with him, had he just been honest about what he wanted. But by lying, and then flipping the script, he’d shown himself to be dishonest. So why would I trust him to respect my feelings in a casual relationship? Why would I want anything to do with him at all?

RELATED: The One Question to Ask Yourself Before Trying to Be Friends With an Ex

Now I know what you’re thinking: how the hell are you supposed to bring up, early in a dating situation, that you aren’t interested in a relationship? According to Stubbs, you’re not, really. “You can’t just walk into a date and say ‘Hey, how are you, I’m only interested in hooking up, is that cool?’” she says. “But there are ways to mention the fact that a serious relationship just isn’t something you’re looking for at the moment.”

But know this: If a person states on her dating profile that she’s looking for a long-term partner, do both of you a favor and swipe left. “You’re wasting one another’s time,” Stubbs says. “You won’t be able to convince her to take her expectations down any more than she will be able to convince you to dial them up.”

If there are specific reasons for your not wanting a relationship, then they will likely come up in normal conversation on the first or second date. “Past relationships, jobs situations, or travel plans are all normal conversations to have on a first date,” Stubbs says. They’re also reasons why people may not want to commit. So if the person across from you asks about your work, you can fully tell them about how crazy your schedule is. “And then it’s easy to say ‘That’s why I’m interested in a more casual relationship at the moment,’ and then see what her response is,” Stubbs says.

RELATED: How to Deal if You’re Dating Someone With a WAY Different Sex Drive

But if, for some reason, the opportunity doesn’t present itself in normal conversation, the right thing to do is nut up and just be straightforward. These conversations should happen when it feels natural, but Stubbs does say that it might be a good idea to get it out in the open before you have sex. “It’s just easier to do it before emotions get too heavy,” she says. Bring it up when you’re away from the bedroom, and don’t assume that she necessarily wants a long-term relationship when you do. A good approach? “I’m not sure what you’re looking for at the moment, but I just wanted to make my expectations clear before things go any further.” If they aren’t interested, then respect their decision. Don’t try to berate them into feeling less than they do. If one of you wants something the other can’t provide, it’s best to end things before they get more muddied.

And if they’re cool with casual? Then make sure you actually keep things casual. “So many of these situations get confused because expectations aren’t aligned,” Stubbs says. If casual means no sleepovers to you, then be clear about that and stick to it. If you only want to see him once a week, stick to that, too. But remember: You are only one person in this two-person relationship. If they have some guidelines that they’d like to abide by, you have to hear and respect those, too.

If one of you starts to catch feelings — because, of course, these things don’t always go to plan — Stubbs says it’s important to be open about that. “Communication is so necessary in a situation like this,” she says. “Things end badly when we think we know what the other person is thinking.”

So no, you aren’t a jerk for just wanting a casual relationship. You are a jerk, however, if you don’t let the people you’re seeing know that. Open communication will get you farther than withholding information ever will. And, for the love of god, never send a wink emoji.