Relationships Talk

This week, my parents celebrated 40 years of marriage. 40 years, I cannot imagine what that is like, I mean I haven’t even been alive that long. I know they are still very in love with each other and treasure their time together.

My parents have a very romantic love story. My dad immigrated to this country in 1971. He learned English, and started to build a career. He traveled from Southern California to Nebraska, to Florida to Puerto Rico. In 1976, home for a visit, my dad met my mom. They lived across the street from each other and the families had become friends. They started to write letters, and when possible they went on dates. In 1977, they became engaged and in August of 1978 they were married. Their path has not been an easy road. In the 40 years they have been married, they have moved 13 times, endured long separations and took care of both my grandparents until they died. In those years, I have watched them fall more in love with each other. They face every adversity together.

In honor of marriage, I asked people for their advice on how to have a long marriage. I received a lot of great advice. My hope is we can all learn from this advice and the examples set by long marriages. A couple celebrating 47 years of marriage still call themselves newly weds and giggle. They have spent time developing their companionship, love can wane, but companionship remains. A good friend said the secret to a good marriage is full disclosure. In his experience, it is the hidden things, the things we are afraid to talk about, which become the biggest problems.

Another dear friend says to learn forgiveness. When you can find a lake deep enough for forgiveness, you have found your peace. My husband’s uncle says surprise dates are key. I would have to agree. One of my cousins, who has two little ones and struggles with Lupus, says getting nights off to relax are key. My husband’s baby sister had the most to say. I would say after serving in the Navy, she has seen enough marriages fail and survive to know what works. She says never argue about money. Create a money plan together and then stick to it. She also says never say “I make more”, marriages are about sharing, give and take. She continues with learn to listen, and to not bring up past wrongdoings. Never go to bed angry, and kiss often. Remember your spouse needs space, but they also like it when you show an interest in their hobbies.

Another friend shared lots of laughter, I would agree. It is so much nicer to laugh than cry. My husband’s baby sister’s husband says to always pick up your dirty socks. I would say picking up after yourself is great advice, I mean who wants to touch dirty socks? A woman I very much admire says to never take affection for granted, kiss often, hug more, hold hands, go to bed together, and pray together. And finally, learn to compromise.

This is a lot of sage advice. Marriage is hard, it takes a lot of work, and the hard work always seems to come when we are tired. It is human nature to be selfish, to want what we want. It takes a lot of hard work to compromise. My husband always says we should never become complacent in our marriage. Never become so comfortable you let yourself go or you stop trying. I know I love when my husband gets dressed up for dates or buys me flowers. I love when he used Google Translate to text me love messages in Spanish. It is definitely the little things in marriages.

So, what does all this advice mean? Well, it means romance, love and happily ever after do exist. We women should never wait for our knight to come in and rescue us, we should be independent and able to care for ourselves. Men, we women do not want to be saved, but we also do not want to be completely dependent on you. I think what every gender wants is to be accepted, to be loved unconditionally and to have a partnership based on true companionship and love. And that, my friends, is what my parents have shown me.

Thank you for the wonderful advice. Congratulations to my parents and every couple celebrating anniversaries.

If you have any

comments or would like to share your thoughts, you can reach me at believestrengthpassion@gmail.com.