Relationships Talk

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” – Thomas à Kempis

“…he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death – even death on a cross!” – Bible

Ever heard these words from someone, or maybe used them yourself?

“I feel so stressed out all the time. Everyone expects me to do everything. If I don’t take care of things, they don’t get done.”

“I’m just trying to help.”

“Let me show you how to do that.”

“How many times have I told you…?”

“Don’t you think it would be better if you…?”

“I just want you to be happy.”

Hidden beneath the words above is very likely the desire to control someone. We all have control problems of some kind. Its roots can be found in our sin nature; we want first of all to provide for our own protection and pleasure, and in order to do so we must be in control. Thinking about the (classical) Seven Deadly Sins of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride, they are all an expression of unhealthy control.

From the very beginning we had a control problem. God told Adam and Eve they had free reign in Eden with one exception: they were not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. But Satan convinced them to exercise their own control over the situation: “Go ahead and eat; God doesn’t have your best interests in mind.”

In my opinion most marriage problems are rooted in the issue of control. First of all, we are reluctant to allow God into our lives; we don’t like his “rules” and his conviction, so we either ignore or deny him. Then we don’t want our spouse to control us; they might not give us the protection and pleasure we desire.

Focus on the Family has several articles discussing control in marriage, including articles by Kimberly and LeRoy Wagner, Karen Marchant and Karen Ehman. They mention several indicators of controlling behavior.

If things don’t go as I’d planned, do I get stressed and respond in hurtful ways?

Do I function as though I believe my way of functioning is superior to that of my spouse?

Do I find it extremely difficult to defer to my spouse?

Who calls the shots most of the time?

Do my spouse and I equally contribute when big decisions need to be made?

Does my spouse feel safe providing an alternate idea or plan?

Do I receive input from my spouse and demonstrate appreciation for that input?

Is there an issue that needs to be addressed, or am I just trying to control?

Control can be exercised in many ways. The upfront “person in charge” is fairly obvious. Others are expert at getting their own way through subtle manipulation. For example, some spouses are very effective putting a guilt trip on their wife/husband.

It is not always easy to recognize when a control problem exists. Some people are very conscientious and want the best for their spouse. The goal is good but the methods to reach that goal may not be. First of all husband and wife both have ideas about what’s best for them, and they may not be the same. Providing helpful advice and suggestions in a loving manner can be very beneficial, but forcing or manipulating someone to follow that advice is harmful to the relationship.

Control problems in marriage usually result in what psychologists call the “pursue-withdraw syndrome,” where one partner keeps approaching the other about some issue, while the other becomes overloaded and withdraws or superficially complies.

So how do we get rid of these control tendencies? The answer is simple; the application isn’t. Jesus said “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” We must learn to deny ourselves. Put aside the desire for self-protection and self-pleasure. Don’t eliminate it; just keep it in proper perspective with your spouse’s needs and concerns.