Relationships Talk

I came to college determined to get an education but, if I’m being really honest, what I wanted more than anything else was a girlfriend. And, in the same way I now can advise first-year students about what classes and professors to take, what pitfalls to avoid and how best to schedule their sleep/study/socializing time (the college trifecta — you can pick only two), I can also advise, particularly the guys, what to do and what to avoid in securing a relationship with that mythical creature, the college sweetheart.

Some of my advice won’t be what the newbies have heard before. Many trickle-down theories of dating are misleading.

Before I arrived, my ideas about college social life were formed by stories I’d heard from my friend’s older siblings: noisy bars with sticky floors, conversations that couldn’t be heard over Kanye remixes, and winners and losers in an anonymous “hookup culture.” I didn’t really know what that phrase meant, but to be honest, I didn’t really know whether to call the people I was pursuing “girls” or “women.” So, I was pretty lost in terms of how to decipher how the game was played.

In the same way I was looking for new adventures intellectually, I was looking for a new degree of emotional and intimate connection with a girl (I went with “girl” at 18). I had to learn the realities of dating life. You can’t fit six relationships into seven years without falling over yourself frequently — and while I have more than a bruised knee to think back and cringe at, I also had the wherewithal to learn from my mistakes (as my girlfriend, Jackie, can vouch — we’re quite happy together).

So here’s what I know:

1) Don’t take advice from your college friends. They’re just as confused and clumsy and new to this as you are. Why would you take dating advice from a guy who spends every night playing “Fortnite” or any other addictive video game? He sounds confident, but don’t let him con you into contorting yourself. Guys pride themselves on giving each other strategy; usually it’s a pickup line that worked once, two years ago, or, worse, telling you to appear aloof and coolly disinterested in your crush — as if that were the goal. The only way to form a relationship is to let her know who she’s really dealing with. When exercising, you can’t hold a pose for very long. Similarly, you can’t contort yourself into someone you’re not and expect to assume that position for very long without falling down and looking ridiculous — or at least getting a cramp.

2) Don’t torture yourself over what to say. Further, don’t have lines planned for that inevitable occasion. Say what comes to mind and speak from the heart. Yes, I said that. That particularly dreadful essay about the varieties of dirt in Arizona, or how you only yesterday realized that wearing the freshman lanyard is a social faux pas. Whatever you say, just try to be more interesting than your aunt at Thanksgiving dinner (How are you liking college? What’s your major? What’re you gonna do with that degree?). It won’t be difficult.

3) Decide if you actually want a partner. Are you looking for a relationship or simply for somebody else to ignore homework with? If it’s the latter, better to find a friend with whom you won’t be tempted to spend the night. A relationship needs a willingness to take it seriously when it’s serious — and take it lightly when it’s fun. Knowing what the situation needs requires an adult understanding of human communication — a quality that, unfortunately, many never acquire. It takes trial and error; you can’t really just “be more adult.”

College will change the way you experience the world. Now that I’m leaving, I know how much I didn’t know when I was 18. I learned that education doesn’t only happen in the classroom, and it doesn’t stop when you get your diploma. And now that I’m off into the “real world,” I have a degree of optimism, although that’s not something listed on my diploma. This much I know: In the future, when I’m naive, confused, and clumsy, I’ll look for someone to show me the ropes.

Parker Gregory Shpak, 25, of Bloomfield, will graduate this year from the University of Connecticut with a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and English.

The Courant invites writers younger than 30 to write essays of 650 words or less containing strong views. Please email your submission to freshtalk@courant.com, with your full name, hometown, daytime phone number, age and occupation (or your school’s name and your level in school).