Relationships Talk

Instead, I wanted to answer those who have asked me over the years what makes a marriage last. I don’t mean to offer advice because every situation is different and I think marriage and raising children are the ultimate do-it-yourself projects. But I can reflect on what I think worked well for us, even though I think that quite a bit of it is common sense.

Celebrate your anniversaries. It may sound silly or nerdy to some but from the beginning we’ve celebrated every year, the day we first met, the day we decided to “go steady”, and of course the day we got married. We are not just looking for an excuse to celebrate, but those dates are reminders of our life-long journey together.

Continue learning — together. Whether it be through reading books, sharing articles, or traveling, the opportunities for learning not only makes us grow, but give us fresh things to talk about. We travel a lot, which we realize is not for everyone, for various reasons. But we do much of our learning when we travel. And through learning, we obtain a lot of insights, shared experiences, lasting memories and lessons.

Save early and often. A wise person once said that money can’t buy happiness, but it can sure avoid a lot of stress. Marriage and raising a family are stressful enough without the long-term financial anxiety that is part of living. No matter what our income level was, we were determined to save for all sorts of things. In being able to do so, maybe we were smart or just plain lucky. But as we grew older, it helped to know that we could fall back on our own resources for many needs.

Develop an interest in some of your spouse’s interests. Whether it be a TV show, a sport, or a hobby, sharing even a little bit of interest demonstrates respect for one another. Plus, it gives you more to talk about and you might be surprised at how interesting your spouse’s interests may be.

Be faithful and true. If there is one currency of human relationships we cannot take for granted, it is trust. For once it is broken, it cannot be repaired. Even when we say we can forgive, we truly cannot forget acts of betrayal.

Have children and grandchildren. I know for some this may not be possible or is a matter of choice. What we know now, is that the trials and tribulations of child-rearing are dwarfed by the love and joy children bring. Both the rewards and the challenges of having kids can strengthen a marriage.

Finally, don’t be shy about holding each other’s hand in public. It is an unabashed affirmation of love. It is a statement of caring. It is an open celebration of your life together. The German philosopher Goethe once wrote, “This is the true measure of love: when we believe that we alone can love, that no one could ever have loved so before us, and that no one will ever love the same way after us.” The first decorative plaque we ever bought contained those words. The plaque is still on display in our house.

Family reunions can be bittersweet affairs, but we attend them because we all desire to be connected.