Relationships Talk

“I just go along and burst people’s bubbles. I dream smash my way through a wedding plan because I have to be realistic.”

So start with the three essential pieces which will inform the rest of your planning; the style of wedding you want, the number of guests you want to invite and the size of the budget you have to achieve it. There’s no point booking a venue that seats 80 when you actually have 120 people to invite.

“It’s quite a common mistake because you’re running with your heart and not your head,” says Otter. “It’s about doing a little bit of groundwork.”

Linda Cooper, a wedding planner with over 25 years experience in organising high end, bespoke weddings all over the world agrees. “Most people get engaged and are so excited they start looking for venues immediately,” she says. “You need to take a big deep breath and say ‘the first thing is the budget.'”

Once you have the three pillars agreed, you can start looking at creating your dream day with venues and suppliers. And while it can seem daunting, remember it’s about you, so don’t be afraid of speaking up at each stage of the process.

“I think my message is; be strong,” says Cooper. “Whether you’re working with a planner, a hotel or a stand alone venue, be strong. This is your day and it’s your money and you’ve got to have exactly what you want before you part with that money, at whatever level that is.” 

Who to invite and how to plan your guest list

Weddings are wonderful because not only do you get to wear a beautiful dress (or stunning suit) and create a day totally dedicated to you and your partner, you get to do it all with the people you love most. There’s something very life affirming about having every important person in your lives in the same room together. You’ll feel an immense amount of love and goodwill as they send you off into married life.

But, who do you invite and how do you decide? Well you’ll need to get a good idea of the number of guests as this will influence the venue you choose and what you can afford to provide in terms of food, drink and entertainment.

“In terms of etiquette the rules have changed slightly,” explains Otter. “It used to be that family was the priority and then it was friends, now there has been a  dramatic shift in that it’s friends followed by family.”

Whatever your priority, sit down with your beloved and work out what you want from the day and how many people you each have to invite. Don’t forget to think about whether children will be included, how many friends your parents will want to invite and what your policy will be on plus ones for single guests.

“If you make rules, stick to them,” advises Otter. “If you’re going to create a rule then you apply it across everyone.”

Once you’ve made an initial list, if the number is bigger than you thought then it’s worth deciding who are absolute must-haves and who, if you had to, could be left off. If you can’t afford to cater for hundreds of people then it’s best to be realistic now.

“Be strict and have an A list and a B list,” says Cooper. “Every case is different but you want the people there that you really, really want and that will fit in your budget. You don’t need a wedding for 300 people.”

It might be at this point that you assess whether you’ll invite some to the full shebang while others will be on the ‘evening only’ list.  

“I would personally say that if your budget will allow it then invite them to the whole day,” says Otter. “Thinking from a guest’s perspective it’s still a day out for them, they still potentially have to buy a new outfit, they have to get a hotel room, they have to buy a present. So if you do an evening part, then think about how you’re going to welcome those guests and what extra you’re going to do for them.”

Once you’ve agreed on a final head count it’s time for a spreadsheet of joy to keep track of your guests. This will be useful for when you write, address and send your invitations, to track RSVPs and will come in handy later when you send thank you letters for any wedding gifts.

For each guest include columns for the following (plus any others you think you might find useful):

Title (how you will address them on the invitations)

First names

Surname

The number of guests for the invite (this could be a family of four or a couple, for example)

Address

Email

Phone number

Likelihood of attendance

Actual Yes or No

Dietary requirements

Assume a slight drop off rate based on your knowledge of the invitees, but unless they have major plans, most will want to attend.

You can then use this number to make a decision about the venue, catering and any extras you want to provide for your guests.

This is also a good time to think about who you’d like to take on the important roles of best man, ushers and bridesmaids. You’ve probably got a good idea already but it’s worth having another to think about who not only means a lot to you, but who will have the time and skills needed to organise hen and stag parties, be supportive both before and on the big day itself and in the case of the best man, write and deliver a good speech.

There’s lots of fun to be had in the run up to the wedding day, so make sure you’ve got your best and most loyal friends around you.  

Budget

Talking about money is awkward, but you’re going to have to get used to it. You’ll need to talk budgets with suppliers, venues, your partner and your families so get comfortable being open about it.

You might already know that your parents or the parents of your partner are going to be responsible for the majority or all of the cost of your wedding. It is traditional for the bride’s parents to pay but that is certainly not a given any more.

If you’re not sure whether they want, or can afford, to contribute then it’s worth having a conversation early on. Approach them with the assumption they can’t and you’ll remove the possibility of them feeling under pressure, and you feeling disappointed.

If family members can pay towards your wedding then get specific straight away. Do they want to pay for one aspect of the day (the venue, an open bar, the dress, the cars), all of it, or just give you a sum for you to spend how you wish? They could also have an expectation of how much say they will have, so both sides should be honest and accommodating.

“Before couples do anything, before they look at a venue or a flower or a dress they should be sitting down and discussing the budget with whoever is paying,” agrees Cooper. “What do we think we want to spend on this and be realistic. A lot of people go in above their heads and spend years paying it off which is ridiculous. A wedding should be a celebration of a union, attended by family and friends who love that couple and want to be there.”

Wherever the money is coming from, once you have an idea of the sums available, sit with your partner and decide what the priorities for you are. It might be the food, the music or the location, but reach an agreement and keep them front of mind as you get into the nitty gritty.

This is where you’ll be excited to learn that another spreadsheet is now required. Yes, Excel/ Google Sheets is your new best friend.

“It’s really difficult to allocate budget,” says Otter. “So I create my budgets in Excel, and I think about the elements of planning a wedding. I break them down with an allowance and then a column for actual cost, so you can compare what you thought it was going to be with what it actually is.”

There are lots of great templates available online but here’s what to include to help you allocate money and keep track of the actual costs.

For each line item (venue, food, drinks, DJ, dress, invitations etc) have a column for the following:

Industry Percentage

This is how much a wedding planner might allocate to this item

Budget Allocation

Use the industry percentage to calculate the amount in pounds you can allocate

Actual Estimate

The amount you are quoted by the supplier (this will change as your guest list grows or shrinks)

Actual Cost

The amount you will actually spend on this item

Debit or Credit

If your actual cost was less than the estimated cost then make a note here. You can then allocate it to another area. Of course it could be that the actual cost is more, and in that case, you can keep track and apportion any spare from elsewhere to this area.

And in terms of finding the numbers to enter into the columns, a little research should get you on your way. “If you find a supplier you like approach them and find out what their prices are,” says Otter. “Some of it is common sense and friends and family are a good source of information. If you’ve got friends who recently got married or are going through the process, ask them the question.”

Your budget will no doubt cause stress at some point, but learn to adjust your expectations and find alternative ways to do what you want. The important thing is to have a budget to work from, as without one you’ll soon find yourself overspending.

“People say to me, ‘what’s it going to cost?’,” says Cooper. “I say, ‘it’s going to cost what you want to spend.’”

Style and aesthetic

Many of us have dreamed of our wedding day since we were children and while the specifics of those dreams might have changed, you’ve probably got an image in your head of how you want your wedding to look and feel.

There are countless themes and styles and it’s easy to be swayed by other people, but it’s essential to decide what ‘kind’ of wedding you want to have early on, as this will influence the venue you book and that’s the next thing on your to do list.

You will already know if you want your wedding to be traditional, bohemian, at a far flung destination, small and intimate, elegant and refined, all about the party, a full weekend of events, cool and quirky, outside… But try to hone in on exactly how you’d like it to look and what kind of atmosphere you’d like to create.

From this starting point you can then bring that aesthetic to every aspect of your wedding, whether through the setting, food, music or flowers.

And while trying to recreate something you’ve seen on Pinterest or Instagram is often a dangerous road to go down, if you’re lacking in inspiration when it comes to style, then these two social platforms are invaluable for getting ideas. As are wedding magazines, which will show you the latest trends in decoration.

Find the perfect venue

So you’ve got your budget with an approximate allocation for the venue, you’ve got a good idea of how many guests will be rocking up on the day and you know what style of wedding you’re hoping to create.

Now use these three pieces of information to find the perfect venue.

There are a LOT of wedding venues out there and with everyone wanting a unique occasion, it’s not just about picking the local church and hotel function room anymore. It can be overwhelming but it’s easier than you think to narrow the options down.

First decide on the geographical area you want to get married in, then look for venues that fit your creative vision, before narrowing it down once more by whether those venues will accommodate your full guest list.

Venue finding websites are a great source of information and can even help you with this process. Coco Wedding Venues even breaks it down into styles of wedding, including City Chic, Modern Vintage and Bohemian Beats and will open your eyes to places you never knew existed.

The other major aspect to take into consideration is whether or not you’ll be having a religious marriage ceremony. You’ll potentially need a reception venue with a church or other place of worship nearby, or if you’re going to stay civil then decide if you want to say your vows in the same location as the rest of your wedding or if you’d like to move from one to the other.

This should be done before or at the same time to avoid stress and mix ups. You don’t want to book a venue only to find there are no registrars available on that day or at the time you want. And also worth keeping in mind are the legalities around actually getting married.

“Couples have got to understand that legally you can only get married at certain times of the day,” says Cooper. “And that changes between different parts of the country. If you’re having your ceremony in the venue you’ve got to find a venue that has space for a ceremony and space for a reception, because under English law you can’t serve food or drink in the same room you’ve had a legal ceremony in for an hour.”

Once you’ve picked a few places you like and that meet your criteria, book appointments to view them and go armed with plenty of questions.

A few things to consider:

What is the wet weather contingency?

Can you hire the whole place or is there a chance one of the other rooms will be holding another wedding there at the same time?

How late can you stay up dancing?

What times can your suppliers get in and out?

Does the venue insist on only certain suppliers?

Can the venue provide catering, chairs, tables, PA system etc?

“Look at every aspect of that venue,” says Cooper. “Do they have staff to iron the tablecloths? How many waiting staff are in the wedding package? How many wine waiters do you need to make sure no one is ever without an empty glass?”

Make sure you get answers to all your questions so that you can make a truly informed decision. If the event manager can’t give you the information during your visit, follow up afterwards so you’ll have all the facts in front of you and you can compare and contrast.

Suppliers

There’s a lot to do in the first few months of wedding planning but if you’ve got the venue, date, guest list and budget sorted in the early days then you’ll be off to a flying start. 

But what about the rest?

Katrina Otter suggests creating a ‘planning timeline’ in which you break down the remaining elements into manageable chunks. “It means you will enjoy planning your wedding because you’re not going to cram everything into one month,” she says. “Everything is more manageable, you can stay on top of it and it remains exciting.”

It’s true that the joy of a wedding day can often be lost amidst the logistics and planning. There’s nothing like some stressful organisation to really take away the romance of getting engaged. So if you can remove some of the anxiety as Otter suggests, then you will still actually want to get married at the end of it.

Take your time at this point to focus on booking in the main suppliers. These will be the vendors who will have the biggest impact on your day, like the caterer. And Otter says it’s important to lock in those who can’t do more than one wedding in a day.

“So whether that’s a planner, a photographer, a videographer; they can only manage one wedding a day so you need to get them booked in as soon as possible,” she explains. “There are thousands of other brides out there who are in the same position as you, so the sooner you can get them booked the better.”

After this it’s about prioritising what is most important to you. If you want the flowers to be a major feature then make sure you get your preferred florist lined up next. Top suppliers will be booked up well in advance so don’t be shy about getting in touch and confirming them. “It’s the same with music,” says Cooper. “If you’ve got a particular band or DJ that you want, you’ve got to book them.”

So what are all these elements that need to be arranged? Use our list as a guide before adding in other specialist suppliers for the unique aspects of your wedding.

First and foremost

1. Caterer – if your venue isn’t providing food and drinks then get a caterer lined up as soon as possible.

2. Wedding planner – you may want to employ a planner to help with the rest of the organisation or just to run things on the day itself.

3. Photographer / Videographer – they will only be able to do one wedding in a day, so get them booked ASAP.

4. Flowers – even if you’re not planning anything other than a bouquet and some buttonholes, popular florists are worth booking in well in advance.

5. Invitations – you’ve got your guest list so it’s time to actually invite them to your wedding. You may also want to send ‘save the date’ cards and while invites were traditionally sent out between six and 12 weeks before a wedding, Otter says her clients are sending them more like six months ahead of time to ensure a better chance of having everyone there. 

6. Music – whether you want a band or a DJ, a string quartet or a brass band, if music is important to you then start checking out your options and narrowing down your favourites.

7. Dress – if you’re the bride and you’re going to buy a dress then take into consideration that in most cases, the styles you try on will be samples and once you’ve chosen ‘the one’, it will be made from scratch in the size closest to yours, before being altered to fit you like a glove. So factor in time for this process and at least two or three fittings. “The bride shouldn’t look for her dress until she’s got the venue and the time of year,” says Cooper. “Most brides usually end up in the first dress they like but if your budget is tight, don’t spend a fortune on the dress. There are wonderful dresses in stores now. You don’t have to spend thousands.”

Leave until later (but not too late)

1. Cake – use Instagram and Pinterest to find inspiration for your cake, but remember that what you see there might not always be possible in the real world. Consider your overall theme and colour scheme when deciding on decoration.

2. Groom’s suit – this may need to be bumped up the list a little if you go for a custom made suit, but unlike with the bride’s dress, both the bride and groom will usually be involved in this decision.

3. Bridesmaids and ushers – ushers’ suits can be hired fairly late on in the process, but it’s a good idea to organise the bridesmaids dresses and shoes around half way through your planning. There may be some back and forth over the style and cut and you may want to have dresses altered.

4. Bride’s shoes, jewellery, bridal lingerie and veil – these will be dependent on the style of dress you have chosen and you may have sourced them from the same shop, but if not then enjoy some shopping trips for these essential but fun accessories.

5. Favours – those little gifts at each place setting also need organising and there are lots of ways to make this tradition unique to your wedding. It may be that you need to spend a few evenings assembling them with friends, while consuming a bottle of wine, so allow some time for this too.

6. Decoration, details and design – “The last few months are about working out the finer details like decor and hire items,” says Otter. “Like a photo booth and those extra things that enhance the wedding.” Start to nail down a set list for your band or DJ, your first dance, your vows, the flow of the day, your stationery (to include orders of service, menus, place names) and any other fun elements you need to hire or create. 

7. Hair and make-up – if you’re not going to do your hair and make-up yourself then set up some trials with professional stylists and artists. It may take more than one session (and more than one supplier) to find the perfect look, but beware of going too over the top. “So many clients we’ve had have gone overboard with the hair and makeup,” says Cooper. “They look great but they look like a completely different person. Why would you take this beautiful skin and load it up with make up?” It’s true that you’ll need to wear a heavier look than you might usually, but make sure you’re comfortable and that your partner will still recognise you as you walk down the aisle.

8. Transportation – this could include the bridal car, a car to take the bride and groom from the ceremony to the reception and a bus or coach to take guests between one and the other. You may of course have more interesting ideas about transport that include boats, helicopters, camper vans and motorbikes; the more unusual, the earlier you’ll need to arrange them.

9. Register for a gift list – so after all this you get gifts as well? It’s a great racket getting married. There are a few options for gift registries from the traditional at John Lewis to lists that allow you to start a honeymoon fund to specialist charitable giving. Find the right one for you using our ultimate guide.

Every wedding and couple is different but whatever your situation, style or budget, some elements are applicable to all, while others can be dropped or swapped to create your perfect day. There’s a lot to think about, but using a methodical approach will help you to tackle each aspect and hopefully ensure you remain relaxed along the way. This is supposed to be a happy occasion after all.

“People do get very stressed over weddings,” says Cooper. “My advice is to try and keep things calm and know your journey from day one. Open a bottle of champagne and take a big deep breath.”