Husband won't stop watching porn
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Dear Annie: I know this is a subject that has come up many times, but I would like my husband and his cronies to read it at their local breakfast group.
We have been married for more than 40 years, but this problem only started about a year ago. He loves to watch porn on TV. It may not seem like much of a problem, but it is; it is hurtful. When I come into the room, he quickly changes channels. All the “Recommended for You” programs have naked women on them.
I am not a prude in any way, but I am a 60-plus woman. I have tried to talk to him in a nonjudgmental way to let him know how much it hurts; he may not be cheating physically, but the idea is there.
This does not nearly cover how fed up and hurt I am. It’s as if I am married to a different man. We have survived all the ups and downs of a longtime marriage, but this is really straining it for me.
Please don’t suggest counseling. That is not going to happen.
— Just About Had It in Washington
Dear Just About Had It: I commend you for trying to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about this issue. I’m sorry to hear that he won’t hear you out.
You are not overreacting. I’ve heard from many readers who are recovering from porn or sex addictions who tell me that this habit, which some might pooh-pooh as being normal and not a big deal, can quickly become a full-blown addiction. And in that regard, your husband’s behavior — the daily usage, the lying and the refusing to talk about it — indeed sounds troubling.
Instead of trying to get through to him via this column, try talking to him directly (again). Highlight the ways this behavior is impacting you and your relationship. I’d also encourage you to attend a local S-Anon meeting, for family members of people with sex addictions (https://saa-recovery.org). Though it’s impossible to control anyone besides ourselves, we can control what we will and won’t accept from others. A support group could help you set and maintain boundaries.
Annie Lane, a graduate of New York Law School and New York University, writes this column for Creators Syndicate. Email questions to dearannie@creators.com.
