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Q. Dear Meredith,
I have been telling my friends that I’m “dating my husband” in reference to my boyfriend of five months. We’re pretty young (in our mid-20s), but I feel like this is the real deal. Aside from my own hatred of being wrong, should I be worried about this? This is not the first time I thought I would marry a current boyfriend, but it’s different this time.
Am I a walking cliche? Am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I know it’s impossible to know the future, but we have started talking about it and joke about eloping quite frequently. We’ve already worked through some problems and are very much in love. We’re both biracial and work in the same profession and it’s allowed us to have conversations I’ve never been able to have with a partner before. I have a really hard time keeping secrets from him, so my big question is: Do I tell him how I’m feeling? I don’t want to waste my time, but I also am having a hard time picturing a future without him. Am I too in my own head about all this? Thanks for any advice you can provide. — Endgame
A. It is very possible that this person is your future husband. I mean, it’s too early to say for sure, but you enjoy each other’s company and are talking about the future. Many married couples will tell you that they met in their 20s.
All of this is great. So what else do you need to know right now? Your boyfriend can’t tell you what life will be like in a year or two — because he’s not a psychic. He knows what you know, which is that things are going well and that you’d both like to learn more.
You say you don’t want to waste your time, but you shouldn’t think about it that way. If this relationship doesn’t work, it will still be an important part of your history. You’ll have learned more about what you want and how to be in a couple. All you can know right now is that this experience is worth having.
The only thing you might want to address with your boyfriend is the jokes. If those “let’s elope!” comments are messing with your mind, you should stop making them. You can say, “Hey, I’m really into this, and those jokes wind up taking my brain to confusing places.” Save the marriage talk for when you can be serious. — Meredith
READERS RESPOND
“Aside from my own hatred of being wrong, should I be worried about this?” You might want to check with the boyfriend about this. He’s a lot closer to you than we are here at Love Letters. HARRISBLACKWOODSTONE
Sure, give her the old “talk to your partner” advice. ROADRUNNER
“The only thing you might want to address with your boyfriend is the jokes.” Um, I don’t agree. Letter writer, don’t go down the path of telling him what he can and cannot do. LUCILLEVANPELT
There are plenty of stories of people who met and knew that was it and married quickly and lived happily ever after, but there are also plenty of stories of regrets because they moved too fast and didn’t truly know the person they married. Enjoy the excitement of time you are in now and don’t rush it. SEXUAL-CHOCOLATE
Meredith Goldstein is in her ninth year of writing Love Letters for The Boston Globe. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
