Relationships Talk

But you’re correct about the future providing alarms. Worry about, and stand up against: Bigotry, racism, anti-immigrant prejudice, climate change that can spark widespread fires, devastating floods, sudden tornadoes, and numbing ice storms.

Worry about leaders of political parties, provinces/states and nations, who put their political and personal gain first, who bend the truth and/or lie outright, and threaten the peace, health and freedoms of the generations you’ve spawned.

Better to be counted, than to just be afraid.

Reader’s Commentary “When we moved into this condominium, we befriended an elderly couple. We shared meals, outings, and visits. The wife joined me in taking music classes, then lost interest. One day, she suddenly accused me of borrowing her music books without returning them.

“The books were purchased by me long before, but she couldn’t be convinced of my innocence. I scanned some of my music and created a booklet for her. She was delighted, and all was well.

“Next, she was clearing some clothing and offered me a linen suit, but it wasn’t my size. She seemed annoyed and left. I didn’t hear from her for weeks, so I called her. She then accused me of swearing at her (the “f” word) when she left with her linen suit.

“My mother (and father) had developed dementia and behaved similarly. She accused me of many awful things, none of which I’d done. Her social workers called it “confabulation.” We developed some strategies to protect ourselves, including to never visit except in pairs.

“This elderly neighbour was exhibiting the same behaviours and couldn’t be convinced that she was mistaken. We stopped seeing them, mainly to protect our reputation. It’s sad … but seems the only way to avoid such situations in a building full of very elderly residents that one doesn’t know very well.”

Ellie: I was with you until your conclusion that very elderly neighbours may need to be avoided.

In fact, they need more patience, empathy and gentle socialization than ever, though in different ways from before. Just sitting together for short periods — whether listening to music (even singing along) or talking about their life in the past, or just sharing a cup of tea together.

There’s not too much chance for confrontations due to confusion/dementia, when you’re just being caring company. But if you do suspect mental health deterioration, the crucial response is to alert their family or their doctor, if at all possible.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Illogical fears only mock the present, when much more thought and work are needed to improve the future.

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Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca

Troubled by the future

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca