Relationships Talk

My wife is always angry and bitter

Greetings Kitoto,

I have been married for over 20 years. God blessed us with four children; three who are now adults and a teen. We serve in church ministry. My problem is that my wife is bitter about everything. Sometimes her complaints and bitterness makes me very angry, and I become resentful, leading me to think of retaliating. I need your counsel. Regards, JL.

Hi

Let me start by wishing you a happy New Year. At 20 years in marriage, there is plenty to celebrate about, while at the same time there are things that have happened that one would regret that they happened.

In most cases, marriage is a mixed bag of potatoes. I would encourage you to take time and be grateful for the good that you have seen in your relationship these 20 years. Let this season remind you of God’s sacrifice for mankind. May be that will give you the same peace of mind to be gracious and kind towards the good you have had together.

The challenges you have faced in the years past should not become the lens through which you view each other.

We all fail, make mistakes and deserve a second chance to make it right. It should be a blessing, I would assume, that the two of you being committed Christians and serve at church should allow your faith to be a point of reference. Faith should be the strongest bond that holds you two together. Your faith is what birth your values, beliefs and practices.

It is apparent that the fruit of your belief in God is lacking. Due to this, the two of you are now getting caught up in cycles of a wife who is complaining and bitter; with a man who is being driven to anger and desire for revenge.

Being Christians, a great place to start would be to check your behaviour against God’s Word. What does the Word of God say about the attitude you hold about each other? Because God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

The Bible reminds us that since no one has ever seen God, whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.

When I measure myself against such powerful words, my anger has to melt in the presence of such love. Being Christians, God calls you to show fruit that is in keeping with your confession of love towards others.

Since love is known to be persevering, kind, and long-suffering, you need to deal with your anger towards her and allow your love to melt her indifference away.

What then should you do? In such circumstances as the ones you face, it is easier for you to return evil for evil. However, all this would do would be to fuel the fights and keep the marriage on the edge of collapse.

Audrey Hepburn has developed the H-E-A-L (Hear — Empathise — Act — Love) technique to repair damaged relationships.

He notes that, spouses need to make an effort to stay mentally present, tear down their defences so that they can listen.

Hearing your partner should lead us to empathise with their feelings by seeking to understand what is going on beneath the surface. Empathy is only complete when it leads us to take action.

These actions can range from helping with issues in the home that irritate her to asking her how you can support her. Being practical in showing your love expresses feelings of value and respect.