Relationships Talk

A reader sent me an email and said, “Biko, I’m getting married this weekend. What is the best advice you can give me about marriage?”

Well, I said, I think I might have written about this some years ago; let me find it. But then I couldn’t find it online. So I wrote him my personal thoughts.

Since sharing is caring, here is an excerpt of those wise words of wisdom.

Rough days

Marriage will get tough. Then it will get tougher. Some days she will drive you up the wall so much you will think that perhaps you made a mistake, that this whole marriage was based on a lie. Those days will come and then those days will pass. Just keep your shorts on.

Smell and scents

Women are like bloodhounds. They keep scents in their heads. They know how you smell even under cologne. If you hug a woman and she leaves her scent on you, your wife will pick it up the moment you walk into the house. She will raise her nose to the ceiling and say, “You smell different.”

You can’t help who you hug, I understand and you understand, but she won’t. Some of these things you will figure out on your own. Sometimes painfully. Just keep your shorts on.

Talking of scents

When you go to eat nyama choma with your friends and you wash your hands with soap but your hands get really dry, don’t borrow perfumed hand lotion from the lady seated at the table. That scent will bring you so much trouble you will not even digest that nyama choma properly.

Remember, dry palms never made anyone lose sleep, but going home smelling of hand lotion will make you lose sleep for days.

One day, many moons after the honeymoon is over, you might be tempted by the devil and get into a very salacious position with a female who is not her. If you continue with that situation she will catch you. As sure as the sun will rise in the east, she will.

Always remember that a woman is smarter and craftier than you. She has a better memory than you. She is better at minutiae than you. She has a bigger capacity for patience than you.

She will also catch you because they are very good at reading patterns and when you break that pattern – often unconsciously – you will be caught.

For instance, if you used to leave the house at 5.09am and start leaving at 5.11am, she will note it, file it and investigate it.

If you study yourself on the mirror two minutes longer than you have the past seven years she will note it, file it and investigate it. You can’t win this. Keep your shorts on.

Save for rainy days. I once interviewed someone who told me that, “Women were not designed to financially support a man for long periods of time because it puts an unnatural burden on them.”

They will support you but they will tire out faster and start resenting you for letting them do the heavy lifting. Then biggest fights you are likely to have in that marriage will not be that you are sloppy and leave things lying about, it will be because of finances.

Soldiers in the field will tell you that there is nothing like “our money.” Well, there is, only it’s your money.

Don’t stress too much about her money, it’s an exercise in futility. Better soldiers have lost that fight. Just make sure you have joint projects and visions with clear financial responsibilities.

The best advice on money in marriage? He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Small things

It’s the small things that make them happy. Don’t bring the whole world to her feet, she won’t notice.

First identify her language of love. They are five. If it’s touch, stroke her neck in public, rub her knees under tables, touch her arms. If it’s words of affirmation, tell her she looks wonderful, notice her new hair, tell her she is queen.

If it’s gifts, then just work hard, my friend because you will be buying a lot of gifts. If it’s quality time, simply make time. It’s the small things that we overlook, never the big things.

There are certain small fights you shouldn’t engage in. Rubbish fights that she will occasionally want to drag you into.

Never rise up to such fights. These small fights mean nothing; they are just fights where she gets to flex her muscles to show you who runs things in that relationship. Let her.

If you ever find yourself in the fork of the road where you have to choose between being right and peace, choose peace.

And peace many times come from just three words: I am sorry. Say it, my friend, even when you don’t mean it. And always remember to keep your shorts on.

I don’t know how you were raised but just be a decent human being. Be a gentleman. Respect her then love her – never the other way round.

Never lay your hands on her. Don’t insult her. Don’t be a jackass. Take care of your responsibilities. Show direction.

Bar advice

There is nothing like a “real man.” It’s garbage. A “real man” only exists in the minds of weak men. We are not homogenous. There is no handbook on how to be a man.

Be yourself. You will fail sometimes, you will get it wrong sometimes, doesn’t make you less of a man.

Also, don’t heed relationship advice from men holding beers in bars. Have a trusted friend. Never be afraid to make a decision, even a wrong one. Also, not knowing something is not a bad thing.

Happy marriage, Daniel. Keep yours shorts on and salimia bibi mpya.