Relationships Talk

When it happens, the end of a marriage is a terrible shock. No one enters into a committed relationship imagining their romance ending by greedy solicitors and fights over a CD collection. But love can strike twice and, as 40% of Brits are embarking on second marriages, our attitudes towards second-time brides have changed. A divorcee remarrying used to be kept hush-hush. After all – and as a second-time bride, I know this personally – one used to assume yourself a failure and not deserving of recognition of your new happiness. But no more! Thanks Meghan Markle, Gwyneth Paltrow, Millie Macintosh! A second wedding is a chance to celebrate a second chance at true love and a fabulous future. 

Planning my second wedding a decade later, I don’t think I had a cross word with anyone, let alone an argument. That time around, my head and heart were joined in the knowledge that I was 100% doing the right thing; I was calmer and trusted myself more. Unlike the first time, I didn’t dread the big day being over: rather I couldn’t wait for our marriage to begin. I was in love, I was getting married, it was my husband-to-be’s first (and only!) attempt at it and we were going to celebrate exactly how we wanted to.

But along the way, I did learn plenty about making it the second time a real success. Here’s everything you should know too if you’re embarking on wedding no.2…

The Perfect Guest List

My second wedding was organised in six months and we decided to invite just 90 people. One advantage of getting married again is that you really know who your friends are and who you want to watch you get hitched. I didn’t feel pressured to invite distant relatives, parents’ friends or colleagues because I knew – after the first one – that saying your vows (and hitting the dance floor) means more when you’re surrounded by only your nearest and dearest. Some friends will have been to your previous wedding, of course, but people go to so many, don’t think they’re sitting there comparing the two.

Ex Files

Should you invite your ex-husband or wife? Only if you are good friends and your new partner is honestly fine about it. If in doubt, don’t. You’re just asking for awkwardness. The same goes for your ex’s family.  If you need them there and your beloved doesn’t mind, fine, although it may cause them difficulties with their child or sibling, your ex. Think it through.

Parental Payouts

Should your parents pay for your second wedding? I’m all for second chances and celebrating your happiness, but I don’t think parents heading into retirement should be expected to carry the burden of your previous misstep. Only spend what you can afford and enjoy the freedom that brings. My parents interfered much more in my first wedding when they were helping me financially. Second time around, when my husband and I paid for 90% of it, I didn’t feel the need to curtail my desires to their fancies. But if your parents insist and they can afford it, why not? They love you. If they can help pay for a second wedding without trying to control it, be gracious and allow it.

Present Tense

I felt cheeky asking for gifts because it was my second wedding, so we decided to tell everyone ‘their presence was our present’. We were just grateful they had travelled from all over the world to celebrate. Many guests did still buy us gifts though. They felt I shouldn’t be penalised for making a mistake in my past and that my husband certainly shouldn’t be punished because this, after all, was his first wedding.

One friend had a good idea for the awkward second wedding gift debate, setting up a honeymoon fund. It seemed tacky to post gift-list information with the invitations again two years after her first wedding, so she simply added their honeymoon details on the wedding website in case anyone wanted to contribute under their own steam.

Nice day for a white wedding

Abandon ideas that you’re not allowed to wear white. All I cared about was making my groom happy and I knew he’d want me to see me glide towards him in a white gown. My second dress was much more romantic than my first. I was more confident in my own style by then so it wasn’t a traditional meringue, instead it was a white and silver evening gown by my favourite designer that I knew I could wear confidently.

Any tut-tuts at my white choice were just white noise. When I walked down the aisle towards him, I knew I’d made the right decision. My advice to other second-time brides who are being pushed towards a pastel suit or knee-length cream number is to stick up for themselves. If that means you want a train, a veil and cascading bouquet, I’m sure you’ll look beautiful.

Bridesmaid Bonanza

If you want bridesmaids the second time around, go for it! Today, the rules are: there are no rules. What a great way to reward your best friends for being there throughout all the trials and tribulations of your life in recent years. And they’ll benefit too.

When it comes to choosing bridesmaids dresses and accessories, I’ve noticed second-time brides can be a lot kinder to their friends. We’ve got the bridezilla hysteria out of the way, a divorce has shown us what really matters in life, and we’re a bit older and wiser. There’s more of a “let’s work together to choose the perfect outfit” vibe, rather than “you have to wear fuchsia chiffon because I need to you to match the napkins!” I love the current trend popular with second-time brides to pick a colour and let their friends – who are normally all a bit older as well – choose the exact shade and style that flatters them most.

Making everyone feel special

I was a flower girl when my mother remarried and I remember being proud and happy as I sat in the front row of the London registry office, clutching my posy and wearing a vintage velvet frock coat. I felt that I too was making a commitment to my stepfather, to love him very much. But do remember, watching parents remarry can be a confusing time for children. Answer questions, involve them in wedding plans as much as they desire, and on the big day, give them a special role, as in a reading, or have your son or daughter walk you down the aisle. Tradition is out of the window this time – create your own style of family bliss!

Sarah Ivens is the best-selling author of two books on weddings, The Bride’s Guide to Unique Weddings and A Modern Girl’s Guide to Getting Hitched, both published by Little, Brown