Relationships Talk

“You don’t lose your girl, you just lose your turn.” That phrase has been said about many small towns and states, and often it is said here. It may not be the best description of how things work, but it is true that relationships in Alaska are different. Not just in reference to dating and sex; all interpersonal associations are affected by our geographic location. Perhaps it is because during the winters we spend so much more time inside, or because everyone in Alaska is connected somehow, and perhaps it is because no matter your conflict, you are guaranteed to run into people again.

We are a group of individuals with varying degrees of expertise when it comes to the complicated issues surrounding person-to-person contact. Some have studied and obtained degrees, some teach weekly classes on these subjects, and some of us have just dated a lot, or come from very large families. Each week, this column will seek to answer questions that have been presented to us in the best manner we know how. Let’s see what people want to know this week.

I met someone on a local private kink Facebook page and I was told that she was in an open relationship. We started talking and hanging out, and we were sleeping together for a little over a month. She then told me that she had broken up with her partner, and things started to get heavier. Today I received a friend request and Facebook message from a guy that saying that the girl is his partner of two years, and that they have a completely monogamous relationship. I feel like I have been helping her cheat on him, and now I am distrustful of the kink and polyamorous culture here in Alaska.

-Jaded

Thanks for writing in, Jaded. Even without having more insight into your question, there is a lot to go through. There is a common thread that your entire question boils down to though; personal responsibility. First, you seem like you are wanting to hold the entire kink and polyamorous culture in Alaska responsible for the actions of one person. Please don’t do that. Kink and poly communities around the world do not abide by cheating. It violates so many of the values and ethics that those groups subscribe to.

Next is her responsibility. Going just off what you asked, it sounds like someone is being lied to. If in fact, she was in a monogamous relationship the entire time, she is the one responsible for cheating. She lied to you about her relationship being open, and she lied about her relationship ending. Now, there is always the possibility that she isn’t in a relationship with this other guy, or that he sees whatever relationship they have as being more than it is. These are all possibilities, but we do not have this information based off the question as you asked it. We hope that when this other guy messaged, that you both took the time to have a conversation like adults, about the person who was doing the cheating, and compare notes, since you both got played against each other.

Now we come to the third part, your responsibility. Ethical non-monogamy is the umbrella term that polyamory, open relationships, fuck buddies, and all these other types of dating, that are not one on one, fall into. It is the ethical part that is important. If someone is practicing ethical non-monogamy correctly, that means that all partners are aware of boundaries. If you meet someone who is in an open relationship, you should be able to ask them for proof that their partner is aware of what is about to happen. This could look like you meet their primary partner before you go out on a date with them, or it could be a text sent directly to you from said partner, clearly stating the boundaries of the relationship.

The fact that you are upset by the cheating means that your ethics are in the right place. It is your responsibility to take it one step further and request proof of the open relationship to avoid future conflict. When it comes to the very fun world of open play and polyamory, everyone is responsible for due diligence.

How do you have a healthy, successful relationship without losing yourself in the process?

-Independently Committed

So, you didn’t mention what type of relationship, so we are going to assume that you are talking about dating. However, the same advice applies to all types of connections that you make with other humans.

Far too often, people make the mistake of thinking that they are looking for their other half, or the person that is going to complete them. This mistake is an automatic red flag, and usually will end in failure. If you are not already a whole person, you are not ready to start dating. We should not be searching for someone to complete us, but rather someone that will fit into the rich, fun, messy life that we already have in place. If you have parts of yourself missing, there is no relationship that is going to fix you. If the person that you are is defined by the person you are with, and that person goes away, there will be nothing left of you.

The same can be said of the relationships between mothers and children, or best friends, or anything else. If you have a child, and being that humans mother becomes your only identity, you stop growing as a person, you stop having other relationships, and when that child grows up and sets out on a life of its own, you will be lost. If your likes, dislikes, and choices are dictated solely based on what your friends will think, you are a puppet.

Become a whole person first, and then worry about everyone else in your world. Find the person that compliments your life, not the person that completes it. The reality is, relationships end. Make sure that there is enough of you to keep going when they do.

If you have a question for the us, send an email and we will answer it the best way this committee of whole humans know how to. lastfrontierdating@outlook.com