Relationships Talk

Over the years, I have spoken with hundreds and hundreds of girls about guys. I have a workshop that I conduct entitled, “Guys, Sex, and Marriage”. During three-five sessions, I discuss who we are looking for and why are we looking. There is a lot of information, but generally I advise young ladies to look for someone who will help them get to heaven, someone who they can respect and trust, someone who treats them with unconditional love and someone who they like “as is”, because as an older lady said to me, “You can’t raise another woman’s child.”

The other night, I was invited to have dinner with a group of college-aged young ladies and talk about any subject and then answer their questions. I shared about finding a mate who has the same foundation. But their questions had more to do with marriage – best marriage advice, transitioning from dating to marriage, hardest and best part of being married, etc. My answer to that last listed question was: hardest part – reining in anger/not having a short fuse/not being so touchy, best part – having a permanent date, when you want to go somewhere or do something, your date is right there. The topic of deal-breakers came up as we continued discussing. One of the married girls there surprised me when she said that pornography addiction had been a deal-breaker for her. She said that she simply wasn’t going to have that in her life, which was exactly how I felt about alcohol when I was dating. At that time, pornography wasn’t even on my radar. But times have changed.

Pornography addiction is rampant and the assessment of porn is changing. According to Barna.com/porn-in-the-digital-age, one in three Americans seek out pornography at least once a month. “Living in a hyper-sexualized and pornified media culture means catching sight of explicit images with little or no effort.” You don’t even have to seek it. This research of over 3,000 people indicated that nearly half of teens and young people think that not recycling is more immoral than viewing pornography. It used to be mostly grown men, but now it’s boys and girls, women and men. Of faith and not. It’s out there and we don’t even realize the danger.

Porn is not real. It distorts the body, relationships, and love. I had a young woman admit her problem to me by saying that it took all her time and attention and made her husband feel inadequate and unloved. So she gave him all her devices and called me to be her accountability partner. I was so glad that she could unmask herself with me. That was an uncomfortable task, but now I can ask her how she is doing and remind her to punch that old woman that she used to be in the face when she pops up. And I can take interest in the new activities and loves in her life. She has even grown to the point that she now asks me about my well-being.

Barna says that young people engage in pornography more out of boredom, curiosity, and fun than for arousal. We need to pay attention and offer options, support, and in some cases encouragement toward therapy. But most importantly, we need to create environments of openness. Parents ask. Teachers teach. And loved ones gather genuinely so that isolation is broken and confidences are shared when needed. Love. Create care and connection. Follow hunches. Maybe we can’t raise other people’s children, but we can be good examples, support each other in our struggles, share our vulnerability, and love as we should. Patience instead of platitudes. Belief instead of badgering. We all need this type of love for one reason or the other. If we could speak truth in love, then maybe we could better prepare our children for marriage and family could recover.

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