Relationships Talk

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Thinkstock.

Daniel Mallory Ortberg is online weekly to chat live with readers. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat. 

Q. GF vs. my family: I’m in a healthy, happy, loving, relationship with my girlfriend. After both of us had a long stretch of toxic, abusive, and awful relationships, we’ve finally found each other and are genuinely happy, pushing a year now. I come from a large, somewhat traditional family. More traditional than most, but not at an extreme. And we’re very close. The problem is that the first time everyone in my family met my girlfriend, she was on the brink of an anxiety attack (she is bipolar and has anxiety, both of which she takes medication for). She was nervous about meeting my family, which she expressed by getting drunk, and by being somewhat too open in conversation, particularly with my young cousins. (Talking about porn and slapping an abusive ex are obviously more adult conversations.)

Now she is extremely uncomfortable around them and doesn’t want to come to any functions. My family has given me some grief about her behavior. How do I resolve this without placing an undo, and unfair, burden on my girlfriend or my family to change their ways? Should I tell my family to lower their expectations, which aren’t fair to anyone I date? Or ask my girlfriend to temper her personality for my family? I think both options suck and are frankly rude. And I don’t know where to go from there.

A: Your girlfriend’s behavior was bad by any standard, not just traditional ones, and it doesn’t sound like she has apologized to anyone in your family for getting wasted and talking about pornography and violence in front of your young cousins. That’s the first step, I think, in trying to repair this relationship. Since it’s your family and not hers, you can help by asking your relatives if they would be open to hearing an apology from her and facilitating that conversation. That won’t be especially comfortable for either of you, I’m sure, and it may be easier for her to put something in writing beforehand so she has a clear sense of what she needs to apologize for and how she plans to do better in the future.

This isn’t a referendum on her mental health issues but an acknowledgement that she chose to get drunk and behaved badly as a result. You’re not asking her to temper her personality, you’re asking her to tell you if she’s feeling anxious, or not up to being around people, so that the two of you can make alternate arrangements or leave early rather than self-medicating with alcohol and acting out. I’m not quite sure why you think this would involve asking your family to “lower their expectations”—expecting your girlfriend not to get wasted and make children uncomfortable at a family function is a very reasonable expectation.

Q. Sisters: I am three years older than my sisters. We grew up poor in the Deep South, real brimstone country. My mother threw me out of the house when I was 16 because I was gay. Before that she and her pastor tried to torture it out of me: I was locked in the church basement, stripped, starved, and not allowed to sleep while Scripture was screamed at me. It didn’t make me not a lesbian, but it did leave scars, mental and physical. It has been a decade. I have made something of my life, and recently my younger sister, “Annie,” reached out to me on social media. It has been wonderful seeing her, but Annie wants me to talk to our mother. I can’t. I won’t. Annie will not stop pressing the subject even when I ask her to. The last time I exploded and told Annie that she was there—she saw what our mother did to me. Annie watched as my mother dragged me by the hair out of the house and slammed the door on my hand so hard it broke my finger. My finger is still crooked. Annie told me I need to let go of the past and we can only be a “real family” if I can forgive. Bitterness will only poison me. I want my sisters back in my life, but the next time I go see my mother will be to spit on her grave. I can’t ask them to cut her out of their lives for my sake, but I am not going to act like the last decade didn’t happen. What do I do here?

A: There’s nothing “bitter” about deciding not to see the woman who repeatedly abused you, and if Annie has only spent time with you in order to guilt and manipulate you into speaking to your mother, then her interest in getting to know you as an adult is self-serving at best. I’m so sorry that she won’t let this subject drop. You’ve made yourself perfectly clear already, but if you want to give this one last try, I think you should say this: “I’ve asked you before not to pressure me into speaking to our mother, but you’ve continued to revisit the subject. I don’t try to tell you how to relate to her and I want the same respect from you. I cannot and will not pretend she did not abuse me in order to make you feel comfortable. If you can’t let this go, then we won’t be able to have a relationship. That would be painful to me, because I’ve loved getting to see you again, and I care about you. But you’re not asking me to forgive our mother—you’re asking me to deny and ignore the ways in which she abused me. I’ve told you repeatedly that I’m not interested in revisiting this, so if you bring it up again, I’ll have to end the conversation.”

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Q. Mom’s online dating advice: I am a college student who decided to try online dating this summer. I matched with a guy who I guess I can say is my “type,” with a sense of style I find attractive. However, I later discovered that he harbors anti-abortion sentiments and questionable ideas about race. Both of us are people of color, and he is likely just uninformed. Still, I’m very pro-choice and strongly against his beliefs about race, so I unmatched with him, since I did not think I would get along with him long term.

I shared what happened with my mother, who I am very close with, and she disagreed with my decision. She said that she had boyfriends and even close friends that previously held ignorant views whom she “educated.” I told her I personally do not feel that I am in a place where I would be patient enough to educate a guy I am dating, especially one who would be upset if I got pregnant accidentally and wanted to seek an abortion. My mother said I was being too harsh, that he might be a good person outside of his views, and that I probably won’t ever need to seek an abortion anyway. I want to trust my mother’s advice, since she normally has great judgment, but I feel as if this guy’s views may have made us clash. For future reference, was I being too restrictive?

A: I don’t think it’s a question of whether you were “too restrictive” or not; I think it’s a question of, “Who would have to actually go out with this guy, you or your mother?” And the answer is you, so it hardly matters whether your mother agreed with your decision. If she’s been willing to spend a lot of time “educating” her dates in the hopes that they will come round to her worldview, then that’s something she’s free to do. If you prefer to date someone who already shares your core values on some pretty big-picture issues, then you made a reasonable choice.

There’s also no guarantee that you can educate someone into seeing things your way while dating—the odds are just as good that you could make your case persuasively and not change your date’s opinions a whit. Moreover, your mother’s dismissal of whether a guy’s views on your right to choose has any bearing on your romantic relationship with him seems flippant to me. Most people don’t think they’re going to need an abortion until they do, and saying, “I probably won’t ever need an abortion, so I don’t care if my potential partner is anti-choice,” seems awfully blinkered and shortsighted. You don’t have to trust your mother’s advice 100 percent of the time, and just because you think she often demonstrates good judgment doesn’t mean she’s infallible or that you have to be guided by her when you date.

Q. Paternity lie: My son “Dan” is a recovering alcoholic who has gotten involved with “Anne,” a woman he met at AA. She has a son who was 9 months old when they met. They have been together off and on for three years, with this summer being the first time all of them have visited my husband and me. The little boy calls Dan “Daddy” and called us “Grandma” and “Grandpa” right off the bat. He is a sweet boy, and while I have high hopes for the future, Anne threw us all a curveball.

She took a picture of Dan as a little boy and told her son, “You look just like Daddy when he was little.” I later cornered my son, and Dan confessed that Anne had been lying to her son about Dan being his biological father. She found it “easier.” According to my son, the real father was a fellow drug addict who went to prison before Anne knew she was pregnant. This has left my husband and me very uncomfortable. Anne spent the entire week making up lies—“You have Grandma’s nose,” “These are your cousins,” etc.

I have never seen concealing the truth as beneficial for children. People would lie about adoptions when I was young, and it destroyed several people I knew when they found out as adults. My son has not married Anne or adopted her son yet, but if that happens, do my husband and I have an obligation to continue the lie?

A: You have no obligation to continue the lie now, much less if they decide to get married later. It’s wonderful that Dan and Anne are happy together, and that her little boy considers Dan to be his father, but there’s absolutely no reason to pretend Dan is his biological parent, or for you to be roped into perpetuating that fiction. You have grounds—right now—to tell Dan and Anne that their decision to invent family resemblances in order to convince her son that you’re all biologically related was unnecessary and made you uncomfortable and that you want them to knock it off. That’s not to say you have to go correct any misperceptions this 3-year-old boy may have, or that you can’t consider him part of your family, but there’s simply no reason for the two of them to justify their decision to become a family by pretending Dan fathered Anne’s little boy.

Q. I love you, OK? Now let me hang up: I love my daughter. I swear I do. But she has gotten into the habit of turning “bye” into “I love you—bye” every damn time she calls me at work, which is several times a day for mundane reasons. In the past she’s gotten upset because I leveled with her and tried to kindly tell her that I generally don’t like to kiss on the lips (hugs and cheek kisses are great). I’m not a horrible mother, I swear. Is there some way I can tell my daughter, “Yes, you can have a cookie, bye” instead of “Yes, you can have a cookie, love you, bye”? I feel like being forced to continually say it takes away from the meaningfulness.

A: I’m not sure how old your daughter is, which seems like it would have a great deal of bearing on the issue, but my guess is that if she’s calling you multiple times a day at work to ask if she can have a cookie, she’s fairly young—probably too young to understand the type of conversation you want to have with her. Sure, if she were an adult and you wanted to have casual conversations that don’t always turn into an “I love you” fest, that would be reasonable, but if a little child wants to say “I love you” at the end of every phone call, I don’t think that’s too much for her to ask. That said, if she’s calling you repeatedly during work hours, it may be that you need to ask whoever’s looking after her while you’re away to restrict those phone calls to “only in case of emergency.”

Q. Husband is in hospital, his family keeps trying to convert me: My husband has been in the hospital for the last month for a very unexpected and serious medical condition. His family is extremely religious, and all of their communications to family and friends (texts, Facebooks posts) regarding his illness and recovery have mentioned their beliefs in Jesus, miracles, God’s work, etc. I am an atheist, but I have not protested when they incorporate their beliefs in these communications. I understand and am glad that their beliefs bring them comfort. Recently, though, they have started talking to me like they are trying to convert me. First his mother stated to me in a pleading tone, “I know you don’t believe in this, but there is power in prayer, there really is.” Then his aunt approached me—or cornered me—and tried to have a heart to heart with me about this being part of God’s plan and that I should try very hard to see “him” in it.

I find this to be extremely disrespectful. I am not trying to force my beliefs on them during this vulnerable time, and I don’t think it’s fair or appropriate for them to do it to me. Just because they are Christians doesn’t give them the moral high ground, in my opinion, to do this to me right now. I know they are coming from a good place, but these conversations make me feel terrible, and the extra stress is the last thing I need. I promised myself that if one more person mentions something to me about “coming to God,” I will immediately make it known that I would like them all to stop, rather than crying on the car ride home about it, or stewing on it for days (like I am obviously doing now). Should I make this request pre-emptively, before it happens again and I react in a way that I am not proud of?

A: You can and should make this request pre-emptively, if only to spare yourself the discomfort of wondering during each subsequent conversation whether this is going to be the time someone next attempts to witness to you. The way you phrased it here is perfectly polite—you understand their beliefs, but just as you are not attempting to convince them to become atheists, you’d like the same respect from them.

Q. Keeping mum about becoming a mum: After trying for a while, my partner and I recently discovered that I am pregnant! We are so excited about it, but we also want to keep it secret until I’m at least into my second trimester (I’m still really early on), in case of miscarriage. I’m starting to experience symptoms that are raising people’s suspicions, and they are asking questions. I hate lying, especially because these are dear and loving people, but I don’t want to tell yet. Do you have any suggestions for responses, especially to the point-blank question of “Are you pregnant?”

A: Let this serve as a reminder to everyone reading that there’s almost never a good reason to ask someone if they’re pregnant. If they are, and if it’s good news, then they will tell you when they’re ready! Please do feel very free to lie if you’re put in such an awkward situation, but if you simply can’t bring yourself to, stick with, “I don’t have anything to announce, so please stop asking me about it. Let’s talk about something else.”

Q. Update—re: Trans timeline (June 12): I wrote in a few weeks ago about my concern that transitioning at school would endanger my stepdaughter. I appreciated your advice, but I did think you were wrong at the time, so my wife and I decided that she should wait, explained that to her, and a few days later realized that it was the wrong thing to do. She was unhappy and not talking to us about it. So I sat down and told her I’d made a mistake because I was scared, bargained for a few more days to get everything set up at the school, and now she’s a girl 24/7. It’s been awful, and fine. Which describes basically everything since she learned to walk, I suppose. My wife took a few days off work so she could hang out in a nearby coffee shop during the transition period. I got permission to keep my phone with me all the time at work. My stepdaughter was annoyed that the girls soccer team is rubbish at her school. People have been mean, but my stepdaughter says they were mean about stuff anyhow.

So …. it was the right choice. She’s happy. Sometimes I miss the little boy I thought I knew, but mostly when I look at her now, I realize how unhappy she was before. So thanks. You were right.

A: I’m so glad to hear that your daughter is doing well, and that you and your wife have been able to take the time to support her as she transitions at school. It’s so clear that you love her and want to be there for her, and I think that will continue to serve you well as she grows up. Thanks so much for letting us know how you’re all doing, and best of luck improving that soccer team.

Daniel Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everyone! May all the plus ones you bring to weddings this week be dear friends of long and platonic standing. See you next week!

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on his Facebook page!

Vintage Dear Prudence

“My husband and I live near a man in his 70s who is mean, complains about every little thing, and calls the police any time there is loud music in the neighborhood or if there are “suspicious-looking” kids hanging out too close to his house. He once tried to sue a neighbor over tree branches falling into his yard. My problem is that a couple of weeks ago I accidently ran over his cat while pulling into my driveway, killing him. It was well after midnight and I didn’t see him until it was too late. When I told my husband, he quickly scooped up the body, disposed of it a couple of miles away, and made me promise not to tell what happened, saying it was an honest mistake and that the cat shouldn’t have been out roaming in the first place. Now our neighbor has been going door to door, including ours, asking about his kitty.
He has put up posters offering a reward. I feel awful and want to tell our neighbor what happened, but my husband is adamant that we keep our mouths shut, fearing the old man will make life a living hell for us. My husband says the man will get over it and has proposed buying him a new cat. Is this an acceptable solution?”

And find even more letters in the Dear Prudie archive.

Rapper and entertainer Iggy Azalea recently expressed a moral conundrum via a series of twitter posts. As she approaches 30, she struggled to justify childish eating habits with her age, and also grappled with a decision between love and hot dogs.

At 9:14 pm, Azalea first tweeted, “Yes, iam eating tater tots and a hot dog for dinner.. at home, in my house. YES. iam 28 years old.” Followers attempted to console the performer, informing her that they also ate a hot dog for dinner, or tweeting back “It’s okay. You’re a millennial we understand.”

Not entirely comforted but wanting to show appreciation for the virtual support, Azalea tweeted back, “I seriously need to get it together. At least I have solace in the fact that iam not alone.”

Minutes later, the hip-hop artist continued, “and my crush is vegan. Clearly I need to give it up. Him I mean. Im not gonna live life without hotdogs.”

Although not much can be done about the sad situation of eating “kid food” alone well past the accepted dinner time, there is a solution to Azalea’s conflicted romance. She can still have the relationship and the hot dog without offending him or compromising on one of her favorite foods. There are a plethora of plant-based hot dogs and sausages on the market, both in supermarkets and at major restaurants.

There’s no doubt, plant-based Millennials often enjoy a coveted vegan hot dog alone in their apartments late at night. The options abound, including Lightlife Veggie Smart Dogs, Tofurky Meatless Vegan Hot Dogs, Field Roast Sausages, Yves Jumbo Veggie Dogs, and the latest hot dog on the market, Beyond Meat Beyond Sausages. The latter can also be found in Veggie Grills, Bareburgers, select sports stadiums, and several independent pubs and breweries in the US. For some reason, it’s more acceptable to eat a hot dog in a social setting, but single Millennials can own the fact that they sometimes abandon social protocols at home, feasting on vegan hot dogs or cereal for dinner.

So don’t stress, Iggy. No one is judging you for being a grown woman who enjoys a late night hot dog, and you don’t have to give up this guilty pleasure to be with your vegan man. We’re all in this together, and we’re doing just fine.

Image Credit: Iggy Azalea and Field Roast

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Mindy Kaling, actress, and author, gave the commencement speech at her alma mater, Dartmouth, over the weekend, and she had some dating advice for the young men in the audience:

“This one is just for guys: When you go on dates, act as if every woman you’re talking to is a reporter for an online publication that you are scared of,” she said as the crowd laughed. “One shouldn’t need the threat of public exposure and scorn to treat women well; but if that’s what it’s gonna take, fine. Date like everyone’s watching, because we are.”

I like it. I’d also add:

Don’t shit-talk your exes (or any women, for that matter).

If you want to impress a woman, remember the details (her middle name, her favorite flower, where she went to summer camp when she was 12). It’s like a little parlor trick that will blow her mind, express your interest in her, and make you seem super-sensitive.

What dating advice would you give young men graduating college?

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Originally Published on Dear Wendy

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

It’s always nice to get a little expert advice, especially when planning for a special occasion. Three lucky users of ticket booking service StubHub find just the right person to make suggestions in a star-studded campaign from 72andSunny, the first work out of the partnership.

Musician Future�”who’s apparently a dexterous and knowledgeable sommelier in his spare time, makes sure a diner on a date gets great tickets to a concert (Future’s own, of course). Los Angeles Rams running back Todd Gurley gives an NFL fan a “Ghost”-like experience at a pottery throwing class. And Angels first baseman Albert Pujols delivers a heartfelt directive to an estranged son in a hardware store.

It’s a softer, funnier approach than the get-tickets-before-you-die spot from Goodby last year, and it’s more product focused, with plenty of attention paid to the user experience of the StubHub app.

Stacy Wall directed the TV spots, which are running in markets including Philadelphia, Houston and Atlanta, along with radio, out-of-home and digital placements.