Relationships Talk

By John Rosemond

Question: Our 15-year-old daughter has told us she’s in love with a 20-year-old guy who is in the Army and intending to make the Army his career. We’ve met him, and he is extremely respectful and well-mannered, and has told us he’s in love with her. We’ve made it clear to both of them that for the time being at least, they may meet in our home, when we are home, and nowhere else.

He is fine with that, he says, and seems sincere. Our daughter, however, is not fine with that. She wants the freedom to see him whenever and wherever. She says we don’t trust her which is only half-true. Even though he says he doesn’t want physical intimacy until he’s married, we know from personal experience how easy it is for young people to get carried away. Her emotionality over this (along with the fact that we actually like him) is causing us to think that perhaps we should allow some meetings away from our home. What are your thoughts?

Answer: I don’t have thoughts about this issue; having a daughter who was once a teenager, I have but one thought: NO!

Full disclosure: I am very old-fashioned about most things male and female. I do not think teens should be allowed to date until both are 16, for example. Why 16? I have no defensible reason, actually. Sixteen just seems like a good, albeit admittedly arbitrary, number.

Furthermore, if I was doing the dad thing today, any male courting my daughter would first have to come to our home several times where they could watch television together or something equally exciting (not to mention he would be required to have a long and rather purposefully intimidating conversation with me about matters of life and death) before he’d be allowed to see my daughter without adult supervision.

Then I’d set, at least initially, a curfew of 10 p.m. on non-school nights. There would be no curfew on school nights because they wouldn’t be seeing one another on school nights. And so on. In short, I would be Daddy De Infierno, and proud of it.

It’s one thing when both parties are about the same age; it’s quite another when one is a dependent child (who has not reached the age of consent) and the other is an adult. The fact that he intends to make the Army a career is certainly in his favor, but it can also be used to everyone’s advantage.

Specifically, you might consider mentioning to your daughter’s suitor that if he initiates or participates in any problem behavior with her – or you even THINK he has done so – that you will make a visit to his commanding officer. That should virtually guarantee good behavior, assuming he is truly serious about making a career of military service.

Having said all that, I’ve known or known of a good number of older married folks who began dating when one was a young adult and the other a minor. In and of itself, the situation is not a recipe for certain disaster, although it often ends up that way.

And by the way, based on the conversations I’ve had with these folks, I’m reasonably sure they would agree with the safeguards I recommend.

These days, when I have the opportunity to advise a young woman concerning marriage, I always advise that she marry a somewhat older guy who is verifiably responsible, mature, and is not living with his parents (or in digs they have provided).

Since that describes the fellow in question, I’d be inclined to restrict but not stand in the way of a relationship.

Need I say I believe in the old “ounce of prevention”?

[Family psychologist John Rosemond’s weekly parenting column is syndicated in approximately 225 newspapers, and he has authored 15 books on the subject. Contact him at johnrosemond.com, parentguru.com.] Copyright 2018, John K. Rosemond

  columnists

“Family Guy” star Seth MacFarlane, 44, and “The Orville” co-star Halston Sage, 25, are sparking romance rumors!

In February, Seth and Halston were reportedly spotted having dinner together at Sushi Park in West Hollywood in photos obtained by DailyMail.com.

Her grandmother, Helen Schrage, seemed to confirm the romance to RadarOnline.com, saying, “I don’t think there is anything wrong with them dating. Everyone seems to be okay with whatever she is doing.”

Schrage doesn’t seem bothered by their nearly 20-year age gap, adding, “If she is happy, we are happy. Age sometimes doesn’t matter. They are the ones to decide if someone is too old… we can’t say ‘don’t be with him,’ ‘congratulations’ or ‘it’s not a good choice.’ Only she can make that choice.”

Grandma is not giving any dating advice, explaining, “It is complicated to tell your granddaughter she shouldn’t do something and to give advice, because they won’t listen.”

Halston has not yet introduced Seth to her grandmother. Helen commented, “If he wants to meet me and she wants to, I’ll be here and open my arms to it.”

Seth previously dated Emilia Clarke. Halston was linked to “Neighbors” co-star Zac Efron.

Are you still nervous when it comes time to make out with your bae? Maybe you’re worried that you’re unknowingly committing a kissing faux pas, or your smooches feel not-so-on-point? Not to worry—we’ve compiled a list of the biggest mistakes you could be making during your kissing sesh.

1. You’re using too much tongue. You’ve probably heard this one countless times and that’s because it’s SO important. Sloppy kisses are a huge turnoff, so don’t go overboard with the tongue, especially at first. To start, gently touch your tongue to your partner’s, and slowly add a little more if they seem receptive.

2. You’re using too little tongue. Yes, there is such a thing. Tongue-less kisses can get a little dry, so amp up the passion with just the right amount of tongue. Practice with bae to figure out what works for both of you.

3. Your teeth are in the way. There are right ways to use your teeth while kissing, but aggressive biting is definitely not one of them. Some people are into soft lip biting, but keep it to a minimum before you know what your partner likes.

4. You aren’t closing your eyes. Kissing itself can get pretty awkward, but staring straight into bae’s eyes when you’re leaning in will probably make it worse. Skip the embarrassing aftermath and keep those lids closed.

5. Your kisses have no variation. Whether you’ve got great kissing technique or not, going for the same moves over and over again can become boring for both you and your partner. Try switching up your speed and pressure on the lips.

6. You’re only focused on the lips. If you want your kiss to reach the next level, don’t limit yourself to the lips. Turn up the heat by stroking your partner’s back or softly biting their ear.

7. You don’t freshen your breath beforehand. Clean breath is a must before going in for a kiss. Keep a mint or piece of gum handy and avoid those smelly foods!

8. You’re not prepping your lips ahead of time. Swipe on a moisturizing balm before going in for a super smooth kiss—chapped lips can get in the way of that!

9. You (or your partner) are not ready. Don’t automatically assume that either of you are down for a make out. Make sure you take your time and only go in for the French when you’re absolutely ready.

10. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Kissing should be fun and exciting, so take a deep breath and just relax if your smooch sessions aren’t totally amazing. Remember, practice makes perfect!

11. You’re not communicating with each other. Consent is a crucial part of any intimacy with a partner, and it’s up to both of you to set the tone. It might feel awkward at first, but try to slip in some information about what you like when it comes to kissing, and ask the same of your partner. Maybe the next time you watch a rom-com, press pause during a make out scene and call out something you do or don’t like about the kiss you’re both watching. This can help you get into a conversation about kissing preferences that will prove to be super helpful the next time you pucker up.

Yerin Kim is the Assistant Snapchat Editor at Seventeen.com. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram!

As much as I’d like to say graduating college is NBD and post-grad life is just smooth sailing, I can’t. It’s unfortunately vastly different from life in college and the transition is extremely difficult. Everything from your finances to your dating life gets totally flipped upside down. But luckily, Mindy Kaling is here to help you easily glide through this transition with some really great advice. Anyone who’s read her books or ever listened to her speak knows she’s an infinite well of wisdom so the fact that Mindy Kaling’s dating advice in her Dartmouth commencement speech was totally on point should really come as no surprise.

The dating advice she gave was specifically directed at the straight men in the audience. “This one is just for guys: When you go on dates, act as if every woman you’re talking to is a reporter for an online publication that you are scared of,” she half-joked to the laughing crowd. “One shouldn’t need the threat of public exposure and scorn to treat women well, but if that’s what it’s gonna take, fine. Date like everyone’s watching, because we are.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Because, I mean, if you’d rather the entire world didn’t hear about the way you treated the girl you took out for drinks last night, there’s a pretty high chance you weren’t treating her right.

Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

For those of you out there hoping to get married and have babies at a specific age, Mindy has some great advice for you as well. And this advice she draws from personal experience.

After explaining that she made a checklist upon entering Dartmouth as a freshman in 1997 and managed to complete everything on it by the time she graduated in 2001, she opened up about what happened when she tried the same approach out on her postgrad life.

“I graduated and I made a new checklist for my 20s,” she explained. “Get married by 27, have kids at 30, win an Oscar, be the star of my own TV show, host the MTV Music Awards (this was 2001, guys, it made more sense then), and do it all while being a size two.” Wow.

Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

“Well, spoiler alert, I’ve only done one of those things and I’m not sure I will ever do the others,” she continued. “And that is a really scary feeling. Knowing how far I have strayed from being the person I hoped that I would be when I was 21.”

OK, so it’s terrifying but she still has some good news! “I just want to tell you guys: don’t be scared if you don’t do things in the right order or if you don’t do some things at all,” she concluded. “I didn’t think I’d have a child before I got married but, hey, it turned out that way and I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Even if you’re not fresh out of college, I think we can all benefit from Kaling’s words of wisdom. If you’re a dude, date like everyone’s watching and, if you’re a human being on planet Earth, stop stressing about everything going according to your plan. Things probably won’t turn out the way you expected them to and that’s just FINE.

I told you she’s, like, really, really, really wise. And that was just one small snippet of what she said! Watch the entire speech below and soak up all of her amazing advice.

Check out the entire Gen Why series and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV.

Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!