Tag Archives: dating advice

What I Learned About Online Dating With A Disfigurement

  Dating Advice, Relationships

I was born with a cleft lip and palate: it’s a common facial disfigurement affecting one in 700 people. With medical treatment (in my case, eight operations to rebuild my face, and three years of orthodontic treatment), people born with a cleft lip go on to live perfectly ‘normal’ lives. As far as disfigurements go, mine is so far from serious that I often forget there was ever anything ‘wrong’ with me at all. (Years of therapy have probably helped on that front, too.)

13 Love Experts Share The Worst Dating Advice They've Ever Heard

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Finding relationship advice is hard — scratch that, finding good relationship advice is hard. The truth is, relationship advice is everywhere. It’s all over the internet, it’s in so many magazines, and you’re probably getting it from your family and friends — maybe even from people you hardly know. But just because someone is putting relationship advice out there, doesn’t mean it’s worth taking. Even when someone means well, they don’t always know or understand what’s going on in your life.

“Friends can be a great source of relationship advice so long as you recognize that their ‘wisdom’ has its limits,” certified counselor Jonathan Bennett tells Bustle. “Everyone is in a unique situation. What worked for your friends might not work for you. So, while you can certainly try the suggestions of your friends, don’t assume that theirs is the only way.”

And while some bad relationship advice can be laughable, bad relationship advice can also do a lot of damage. If you’re inexperienced or vulnerable, it’s natural to trust the advice of someone who seems more experienced or just more sure of themselves. But before you take it at face value, it’s important think long and hard about whether it actually makes sense to you. It’s important to see things through fresh eyes and listen to the people who have your best interests at heart, but you don’t necessarily have to act. Ultimately, you’re the only one in your shoes.

And some of the bad dating advice out there is truly terrible. Here are dating experts on the worst piece of dating advice they’ve heard — it’s a good reminder of why you need to trust your instincts.

1“Don’t Text Back Right Away”

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

2“It Will Happen When You Least Expect It”

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

3Age Is The Same Thing As Maturity

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

4“Act Like You Don’t Care”

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

“‘If you like [them], play like you don’t care.’ This is a go-to position for most people giving advice. Certainly we don’t want to be a chump or pathetically chasing someone. But we do have to give a solid green light to let this person know that we’re interested.” — Susan Winter, NYC Relationship Expert and Bestselling Author

5“Be Your Best Self”

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

“While the intention might be pure, I don’t like when people encourage others to be their best selves when dating. People who are dating in a version of what they perceive to be as their ideal self versus their real self might be harming their chances at maintaining a long-term relationship. The reality is that we are not going to be able to maintain the idealized versions of ourselves for long, so after a while your partner is going to learn about your real self. You want the person you are with to love you and accept you as you are, not as the person you’re pretending to be. People who find themselves in this type of relationship often find the walls of security that they found with their partner come crumbling down in front of them.” — Lisa Hochberger, Holistic Sexologist and Sexuality Educator

6“Lying In Your Online Dating Profile Is OK”

Ashley Batz for Bustle

“‘Lying is OK’ — I’ve had several clients who have been told by other experts that a little dishonesty is OK in your profile because either everyone else does it, or you can correct yourself immediately with the excuse that you had to do it to get people to look at your profile.  — the reality is that this advice is complete garbage. Justifying anything by saying that others do it is a great way to fail. Beyond that, the second you are caught in a lie, everything else you say comes into question.” — Eric Resnick, Owner And Lead Dating Coach at ProfileHelper.com

7“Someone Will Come Along”

Ashley Batz for Bustle

“Some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard is ‘just be yourself, someone will come along’. It’s such a disempowering statement. Just be yourself someone will come along. It’s really like a way to dismiss someone and not get into though the real meat of what’s going on. It’s like putting your child in front of the TV all day so you don’t have to parent them or deal with them.” — John Keegan, Dating Expert

“‘Don’t worry about finding a partner; the right person will come along’,” Bennet says. “While worrying is never a good idea, if you don’t actively focus on finding a good partner, one isn’t going to magically pop into your life. People who find quality people aren’t sitting back waiting for someone to enter into their lives.” — David Bennett, Certified Counselor, Relationship Expert and Co-author of Seven Self-Help Books

8“Just Be Yourself”

Ashley Batz/Bustle

9“You’ll Feel Butterflies When It’s Right”

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

10“Play Hard To Get”

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

“‘Playing hard to get is endearing.’ Who dreamed up this junk? Don’t do it. It can make you look difficult and really doesn’t serve any useful purpose. If you like the person let them know. If you don’t… let them know.. Whether online or in-person, responses aimed solely for ‘playing hard to get’ are a waste a time and will likely ruin any chances of a good thing. Don’t play games — just be honest.” — Justin Lavelle, Relationship Expert and Chief Communications Officer for BeenVerified

11“You Need To Feel A Spark”

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

“‘You have to feel that “spark” or it just won’t work’. This isn’t really true. While the spark is mostly related to a real strong physical attraction, there are many other traits of a relationship that people connect on. Maybe you are really in tune with someone on a mental, spiritual, or emotional level. These are solid and some would argue that they create a more solid foundation than just pure physical attraction. So don’t despair if you don’t feel that spark. You may still be on to something good.” — Justin Lavelle, Relationship Expert and Chief Communications Officer for BeenVerified

12Wait 3 Days To Call & Have Sex On The 3rd Date

Ashley Batz/Bustle

“‘Wait three days to call and be prepared for sex on the third date”. Throw it all out the window. In the same vein as ‘be yourself’ just do what feels right for you. If you want to call 10 minutes after a great date… call! Basically, don’t set yourself up for games with timeframes and deadlines that somebody told you years ago. Go with the flow and do what feels right.” — Justin Lavelle, Relationship Expert and Chief Communications Officer for BeenVerified

13Build A Dating Profile You Think Others Will Like

Ashley Batz/Bustle

14“Be Mysterious”

Ashley Batz/Bustle

15“It’s OK To Lie About Your Age”

Ashley Batz/Bustle

“‘It’s OK to lie about your age’. Some people advise fudging your age a little bit if you need to seem a little older or younger to match the requirements of someone you fancy. After all, they reason, saying you’re 32 when you’re really 30 is hardly a big deal, right? This is totally the wrong approach. Relationships survive only when there is trust and honesty. Starting off the relationship with a lie, no matter how small, is going to come back to bite you in the long run. Don’t do it.” — Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, Couples Counselor and Director Of The Baltimore Therapy Center

A lot of people who give relationships advice really, really are trying to help, but that doesn’t mean what they’re saying is true for you. So when you get relationship advice that doesn’t sit right with you, it’s important to not get too upset or be suspicious of the person. They’re probably trying to help — but you don’t have to listen.

10 of your Amazon Alexa's best hidden talents

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Alexa can now offer gardening tips, be your personal sommelier and tell a friend to call 911 when you’re in trouble

If there’s anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask.

Alexa has become more than just a voice-activated virtual assistant that plays music on command or gives the local weather forecast. In fact, there’s not much that Amazon’s artificial intelligence-enabled gadgets can’t do now.

With nearly 50 million people owning a smart speaker, according to TechCrunch, and Amazon selling tens of millions of Alexa-enabled devices during the 2017 holiday season alone, it’s no surprise that Alexa’s skill set is constantly evolving.

These are 10 of Alexa’s best hidden talents:

GARDENING TIPS
She just developed a green thumb thanks to SmartPlant, the award-winning plant and pest identification app. So now when you ask Alexa, “Add snake plant to my garden,” or “How often should I water my tomatoes?” — she’ll help you out, and even offer to take you to Amazon’s expanding online plant store.

DATING ADVICE
If you’re single and ready to mingle, Alexa’s prepared to be your wingwoman (or man). If you’re unsure about whether or not you should kiss on your first date, ask Alexa — you might not like she has to say, but she’s prepared to answer. When you ask her, “What if they want to have sex?” her answer will likely be, “If you do too, do them. If you don’t, do you.”

WARDROBE CONSULTANT
The camera-equipped Echo Look gives Alexa the ability to weigh in as your personal stylist. Using the Style Check feature to compare two potential outfits, she gives you feedback based on fit, color, styling and current trends to pick the most flattering look.

TELLING JOKES
Being able to tell a good joke is a skill many people lack. But thanks to Alexa, learning how to make people chuckle just got a little easier. Ask her to tell you a joke, and then all you have to do is remember it!

SAVING LIVES
The Ask My Buddy app enables people to call for help without having to wear a button around their neck — or, more importantly, requiring them to reach for a cell phone if it’s out of reach. Just ask Alexa to alert any of your contacts, and one of them can call 911 on your behalf.

WORKING OUT
Go ahead and fire your personal trainer if you have an Alexa device, because with the free 7-Minute Workout app, she can guide you through body strength exercises you can do at home, such as push-ups, lunges, squats and more.

TELLING BEDTIME STORIES
If you’ve run out of “Once upon a time” stories to tell your kids at bedtime, defer to Alexa’s free vault of original tales, “Joy Teaches Kindness”, which you can also tailor to your child specifically. Set up an account at bedtime.webguild.com and then ask her to regale you with an elaborate fictional narrative.

TRANSLATING
When you need to communicate something to someone using a language other than your own, it turns out the multilingual Alexa can translate your message into 36 languages. Ask her to slow down or speed up if you’re unable to understand her, or ask her to repeat what she’s saying to make sure you’re able to get the message.

WINE PAIRING
Just because you like drinking wine doesn’t mean you know what kind pairs best with a leg of lamb. With the MySomm app, Alexa, who you now address as “Wine Gal” can recommend the proper vino to go along with your swordfish, seafood pasta or your grilled sausages.

READING THE NEWS
If sitting down to read the paper or online headlines proves tricky for your busy schedule, Alexa can deliver daily news updates from a variety of outlets, including NPR, BBC, The Washington Post, CNN — and, of course, Moneyish, using Flash Briefing.

© 2018 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved

8 of the best dating sites for introverts, wallflowers, and shy people

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Just to let you know, if you buy something featured here, Mashable might earn an affiliate commission.

Because introverts (aka “innies”) need love and attention too.

Image: pexels
2018%2f01%2f31%2f8e%2fhttps3a2f2fblueprintapiproduction.s3.amazonaws.com2.2dcddBy Dalvin BrownMashable Deals

Online dating is basically the best thing that ever happened to introverts.

You can now scan for a potential mate without ever leaving the comfort zone that is your couch. Of course, eventually you’ll need to get up and actually go on a date. But until then, scroll away my friend. After all, there are millions of people all around the planet how are now realizing the strengths that introverts bring to the table.

You can even say we’re living through a worldwide Introvert Revolution. Just look at the success of self-proclaimed introvert Susan Cain’s wildly popular book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. Her book has sold millions of copies worldwide, a TEDtalk she gave on the topic has been viewed over 19,294,447 times and counting, and she reportedly gets paid five-figures for a single appearance. 

While there’s some overlap between being shy and being an introvert, Cain spelled out the difference during her 2012 interview in TIME, saying that “shyness is fear of social judgment and humiliation, and introversion is really preference for less stimulation.”

If you’ve ever stopped to think about it, some of the most powerful people in the world are introverts, like Mark Zuckerberg, Marissa Mayer, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama. Introverts are taking over and people are noticing — including those who run dating websites. 

So if the idea of socializing in a noisy bar or trying to make conversation in large groups is your personal idea of hell, there are dating services out there that cater to your specific needs. Have a hard time coming up with what words to say to someone you’re into? There’s an app for that. Prefer to make meaningful connections without revealing what you look like? We found a few websites with features that can let you do just that too. 

To help you heighten your odds of finding the person to match your awesomeness, we rounded up 8 of the best dating sites for introverts just like you. 

Looking for a trustworthy companion? Try Zoosk.

Image: zoosk

Who’s online: With over 30 million app downloads, you can find over 40,000,000 singles worldwide on Zoosk.

How it works: Like a good wingman (or wing woman), Zoosk starts to understand you more and more as time goes on to help introduce you to the person you can spend the night or rest of your life with. The site’s unique algorithm recognizes your preferences through the actions you take. The more you interact with the site, the better it can match you with your ideal human. 

Feel free to check out some of the success stories here. 

Features for introverts: The SmartPick can really be your best friend, serving as the best icebreaker.  If both you and someone you’re interested in both vote “yet” on each other’s profiles, the SmartPick feature will let you know the good news by email and shoot you a message in your Zoosk inbox. 

What it’ll cost you: A one-month subscription will run you $29.95, three months costs $19.98 per month, and six months is just $12.49 per month

Try it free: Zoosk.com

Looking for long-term partnership? Try eharmony.

Image: eharmony

Who’s online:  eharmony’s membership pool consists of singles who reside in all 50 U.S. states and more than 200 countries worldwide.

How it works: eharmony uses a compatibility matching system that pairs relationship hopefuls   based on 29 different dimensions of compatibility. To get started, just fill out the Relationship Questionnaire, and once you’re confirmed as legit, the website will start sending you your compatible matches.

How it helps introverts: eharmony has a feature called RelyID that helps verify the information provided by other members, like their name, city, and age. You know what that means? No catfishing. Also, your profile is only visible to the people who are a good match for you, so the experience can help to narrow your potentials down to only those who are actually a good fit. There’s also Guided Communication, a four-step program of communication with your matches. Basically, its a series of questions that help to break the ice. If that doesn’t work, the site also offers free dating advice at Love and Harmony. Check it out.

What it’ll cost you: A year long subscriptions runs for $19.95 per month, but one of the most popular choices is the 6-month option for $29.95 per month. Not ready for a long commitment just yet? There’s a 3-month subscription you can choose for only $39.95 per month. 

Try it free: eharmony.com

Want a perfect personality match? Try Elite Singles.

Image: elite singles

Who’s online: EliteSingles says it’s users are mainly educated, relatively affluent, adults between the ages of 30 and 55 who are in search of long-term commitment. The site breakdown by gender works out to be 56 percent women and 44 percent men. 

How it works: In order to find like-minded matches, Elite Singles has you take an in-depth personality test. The test will evaluate you on your level of openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Based on the results, the smart profiling can send you 3 to 7 compatible matches every day. 

How it helps introverts: Since the personality test can identify the traits that really make you who you are, the dating service can match you with exactly the type of personality you’d be most compatible with. 

What it’ll cost you:  It’s free to sign up, but if you want to enjoy any of the most important features like daily matches, it’ll cost you $59.95 for one month, $34.95 per month for 3-months, or $24.95 per month for 6 months. An annual membership will run you $17.95 per month. Each membership requires that you pay the entire duration upfront. 

Try it here: Elitesingles.com

Want to go incognito? Try Match.com.

Image: match

Who’s online: Find out yourself by clicking here. In short, this site is probably filled with your neighbors, old coworkers, new coworkers, and more. Match.com is pretty popular with members with diverse backgrounds who share a few common goals: to meet other singles, find dates, form romantic relationships, and meet life partners. 

How it works: Match.com is pretty much an open dating service. There’s absolutely no limit to who you connect with, or how often. After you set your dating criteria, the site will display possible matches. You can tweak or fine-tune the results as you wish. 

Features for introverts: Large crowds can be scary, but Match regularly hosts meet-up events where you can create genuine relationships over time. If you enjoy browsing anonymously, there’s a feature called Incognito Mode that allows you to view profiles without the other person knowing.

What it’ll cost you: You can join for free but a year long premium membership will run you $20.99 per month. For half that time you can pay $23.99 every 30 days or for an even shorter commitment period you can go with the 3 month membership for $26.99 per month. There’s even a 1-month choice to get you feet wet that costs $41.99. 

Try it here: Match.com

Really want to go incognito? Try Anomo.

Image: anomo

Who’s online: People who really want to engage in rich social interactions based on their location and common experiences, rather than relying on the physical or lengthy questionnaires. Introverts looking for friendships, dating, and entertainment. 

How it works: There are a bunch of different ways you can get to know someone on Anomo. You can try one of the ice breakers games, post something interesting, or engage in the fun conversations. You pretty much chat with who you want that’s around you. 

Features for introverts: Anomo is 100% about keeping things casual, at least at first, giving you time to feel out the situation. Unlike other dating apps out there, Anomo starts you off with just an avatar. In fact, all of your personal information is locked from the start, so only you can see it. You can play games with other hopefuls and over time, the app matches you with people who share similar interests. Over time, as you get to know someone better, you can decide to reveal yourself. 

What it’ll cost you: Absolutely nothing. The app is totally free. 

Try it here: Anomo 

Nervous about planning a first date? Try Coffee Meets Bagel.

Image: coffee meets bagel

Who’s online: Coffee Meets Bagel is designed for busy singles who are looking to build real connects with little to no effort. 

How it works: CMB uses an algorithm that takes into consideration basic info like your location, age, ethnicity, height, and religion, plus more nuanced criteria like your social network and interests to pair you with potential matches. You’ll need a Facebook account to join. 

Features for introverts: Instead of swiping, browsing, poking, and messaging your way into someone’s inbox only to never hear back, this app will send you a potential match every day at noon. Men receive curated matches based on the algorithm and women will only be presented with potential matches (called Bagels) that have already expressed interest. Once there’s a connection, the app sends you to a private chat room with icebreaker questions to get things started. CMB also follows up to encourage your first date.  LGBTQ members are sent preselected potential matches everyday also. 

What it’ll cost you:  For a 1-month membership, you’ll pay $34.99. For 3-month renewals the cost is $74.99 and for 6-month renewals you’ll pay $119.99 total. If you want to just go ahead and sign up for the whole year, you’ll be charged $179.99. 

Try it here: coffeemeetsbagel.com

Don’t feel comfortable making the first move? Try Bumble.

Image: bumble

Who’s online: Bumble reportedly has 23 million registered users with 72% under the age of 35. 

How it works: This dating app will show you random profiles of users so you can swipe left if you aren’t interested or right to like them. If and when you both “like” one another: voilà, its a match. What happens next depends entirely on your sexual orientation. 

Features for introverts: Well, if you’re straight the woman always has to make the first move. In the event that she decides not to, the connection completely disappears forever after 24 hours. If you aren’t heterosexual, either person can kick-off the conversation. 

What it’ll cost you: Absolutely nothing, unless you want premium features like Bumble Boost, which lets you see everyone who has right-swiped you, extend your matches by another 24 hours, and allows you to Rematch with expired connections. The premium features will cost you around $9.99 per month.

Try it here: Bumble.com

Obsessed with data and metrics? Try OkCupid.

Image: okcupid

Who’s online: Millions have found dating success on OkCupid and the app sees over 1 million installs per week. In fact, you can see an updated number of people who are using the site right now by clicking here. 

How it works: Algorithms, formulas, heuristics — the site uses a lot of crazy math stuff to help people find their matches faster. You’ll see a percentage rating on each profile you encounter, letting you know the odds of success. 

Features for introverts: You can really be yourself on OkCupid. Whether you’re looking for the relationship of your dreams, a one-night stand, or a sham marriage (seriously, we’re not judging), OkCupid doesn’t care unless you’re being a jerk about it. On OkCupid, you’re more than just a photo, you can share stories, your passions, and pretty much anything else you want and feel totally at home. 

What it’ll cost you:  A basic account is always free. But there are some paid extras you can enjoy if you want a more premium experience. If you pay for the A-List membership, you can cut out the ads, you get more search options like body type and attractiveness, you can see everyone who likes you, and you can see who reads your messages, among other useful things. There’s an Incognito mode that lets you be invisible to everyone on the site unless you like or message them. Basic A-list starts around $19.95 for 1 month and goes up to $9.95 per month for 6 months. 

Find it here: OkCupid.com

Are you single and shy? Try Single and Shy.

Image: sinlgeandshy

Who’s online: The site claims that 1,000 bashful men and women who are looking for dates join daily. 

How it works:  To be honest, there aren’t that many places where people who are more introspective can congregate in the outside world. That kind of goes against the idea of being shy. Sure there are clubs and parities, but if you’re really shy it’s nearly impossible to meet anyone there. This website is the solution. The website’s matching system uses your preferences, location, and interests to match you with others. It even offers expert tips to help you overcome your shyness.  

Features for introverts: There’s a wink feature, similar to a poke on Facebook, that you can use to flirt with other members without having to formulate a written message. 

What it’ll cost you: For free, you get to create a profile and send unlimited winks. The full membership, however, that allows you to send and receive private messages, chat with the instant messenger, and see who’s viewed your profile is $29.95 for 1 month, $16.66 per month for 2 months, and $11.67 per month for a year. 

Find it here: SingleandShy.com

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