Relationships Talk

Online dating can be a challenge. There are profiles to fill out, photos to load, and bios to write. The results can be disappointing at times, but at some point, you just might find your match. Another thing that often adds to the stress of online dating is the fact that some online daters attempt to hide critical information. They could be hiding a marriage, their height, or some part of their physical features.

So, how do you know if a dating profile is riddled with lies and exaggerations? Sports Illustrated swimsuit models Lais Ribeiro and Robin Holzken chatted with The Cheat Sheet about turn-offs and turn-ons when it comes to finding love online.

Here’s what they told us about how to tell if someone is hiding something in his or her dating profile.

Cropped photos

Be leery of profiles that contain cropped photos. Who or what is he or she trying to hide? A person who is serious about finding love online would likely pay careful attention to the photos being posted online. So, if you see a photo that looks like someone was cropped out, you might want to pass.

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Lais Ribeiro told The Cheat Sheet a cropped photo would definitely cause her to hesitate. “When their photo is way too cropped…like, who else is in there?” asked Ribeiro.

Next: Take a decent picture.

Poor picture quality

Your dating profile has to catch the attention of that special person. | Monkeybusinessimages/iStock/Getty Images

Grainy pictures are not only annoying but also hide physical features. This could be an attempt to draw attention away from things like subpar grooming or lack of fitness. Both Ribeiro and Holzken agree proper grooming is a must when it comes to the dating scene. An unkempt appearance could be the kiss of death. “You only have one opportunity to make a first impression and put your best face forward. I have a boyfriend, but if I had a dating profile I’d look for someone who looks like they take the time to groom …” said Ribeiro.

Next: This is even worse.

No picture

Your less likely to get a response if you don’t have a profile photo. | Loveischiangrai/iStock/Getty Images

Most people have access to technology that allows them to take a photo. If you don’t see any pictures in a profile, this should give you pause. Holzken said the first thing that attracts her to an online dating profile is the picture.  “I would choose based on which pictures they have – nothing too weird or rude. Also, show a picture of yourself!  I hate when guys use group shots – it’s hard to know who is who.

Next: Are you getting the runaround?

Hesitance to meet in person

A major red flag to watch out for. | M-gucc/iStock/Getty Images

You might get to a point where you meet someone you like, but you can’t seem to get them to commit to an in-person meeting. Dates might be frequently cancelled, or your potential love just keeps stalling whenever you ask about rescheduling. This is often a sign that something in the dating profile doesn’t match reality.

Next: Who are you?

No bio

An incomplete profile will not attract many people. | iStock.com

If you’re serious about finding love, you’re likely going to take time to include an engaging description of yourself and your interests. It’s not a good sign if someone skips over the bio. If there is a bio, it should have some personality to it. A lifeless description listing your hobbies and pets just won’t cut it. Said Holzken:

I think you can see a lot from the pictures that someone uses. Some people only have pictures to show off and no information or bio – that’s a no-go! That makes me think you have something negative to hide. Another thing that really catches my attention is when they have a funny bio.

Next: Here are some red flags to watch out for

Questionable photos

Your dating profile photos should be relatable and wholesome. | Shironosov/Getty Images

A clear picture is great, but if the photo is of your potential date doing questionable things, this is a red flag. Most people attempt to put their best foot forward. If his or her best foot is portrayed with photos of getting drunk at the bar or illicit drug use, you should keep it moving. Said Ribeiro:

Definitely what helps catch my eye [when helping my friends with online dating] are really great pictures that show your personality – they can’t all be drinking with your buddies, and definitely no pictures that make me question if that’s your ex-girlfriend. The “about” section should also include height because I’m a tall girl.

Next: Smile for the camera.

Blatant lies

If they lied about one thing, whose to say they haven’t lied about more? | Bokan76/iStockGetty Images

When you finally meet in person, you might discover he or she lied about a few things listed in the profile. For example, your date might be taller or shorter than expected or look completely different. Ribeiro said a situation like this would make her quite upset. “That’s the first impression you give someone, and you go in thinking one thing and then find out another? Not cool,” said Ribeiro.

Next: Their dating tips.

Their best online dating tip

A healthy, happy relationship starts with honesty. | Ivanko_Brnjakovic/iStock/Getty Images

When we asked the models for their best tips, they said honesty is the best policy when it comes to online dating. Ribeiro says she isn’t a fan of catfishing. “Be honest! No catfishing. The truth will eventually come out when you meet, and no good relationship starts with lies,” said Ribeiro.

Holzken adds that it’s also important to be confident. “Be confident. Everything else will follow!” she said.

Next: Down for the cause.

How Lais and Robin are helping online daters look their best

Left: Lais Ribeiro knows how to take a great selfie. | Lais Ribeiro via Instagram , Right: Robin Holzken is a pro at looking good online. | Robin Holzken via Instagram

Ribeiro and Holzken are serious about making sure others are picture perfect for the adventure that is online dating. The supermodels recently partnered with Edge in an effort to put out the message that if you want to get ahead in the dating game, you have to take care of yourself. Said Lais:

It’s tough to be in the dating scene. So, Edge wants to help guys get ahead with dating and grooming advice. For the launch of the new Edge 2-in-1 Shave Cream, Robin Holzken and I teamed up to offer exclusive advice and are featured in a fun spread in the 2018 Swimsuit issue.

 Check out The Cheat Sheet on Facebook!

I cohost a podcast about dating, and that podcast has a secret Facebook group for listeners. It’s a place they can share dating qualms, ask for advice, and generally boost my ego (jokes!). It’s also one of the few comment sections on the internet that I can tolerate, and that’s entirely due to our sweet listeners. Recently, the topic of whether dating app bios for open relationships should be honest about their relationship status or not. I quickly realized that I did not know all that much about open relationships, and I decided to listen with my eyeballs and not type with my fingers.

Essentially, a listener shared that after Googling after a recent first date (because 2018), she found out that he seemingly had a girlfriend on his social media. We’re talking profile pictures here. She liked him, planned out to hang out with him again, and wondered if she should say something about him potentially cheating on his girlfriend. While most of us chimed in with a “YES, find out now!” one of our listeners in a poly relationship reminded us that this guy could very well be poly or in an open relationship, and that we should consider that as well.

While I was relatively vanilla in my initial thinking about the situation (“HE’S A DOG!”), I still felt pretty strongly that being in an open relationship is something that should be disclosed before heading out on a date. I understand that the world is changing and that open-mindedness is queen, but there if I’m going to spend my night with you, I’d like to know if you’re single or not.

I spoke to relationship coach specializing in open relationships Effy Blue, and licensed psychotherapist and dating coach, Shaina Singh, LCSW about the right way to introduce an open relationship when using dating apps actively with people who may or may not be in open relationships as well.

Be As Transparent As Possible In Your Dating Profile

While it might feel limiting, or you might worry that people will wonder if you’re just looking for sex if you include your open relationship in your bio, being honest is the best policy. Wouldn’t you appreciate if someone was transparent with you?

“When someone is setting up a dating profile, they should be honest and ethical about their disclosure of the type of relationship they are in,” says Singh. “It needs to be front and center where people can clearly see this. It should never be hidden, unclear or vague.” She adds that this will help you attract the type of people who will truly celebrate your relationship status, and OKCupid even has an option for your matches to link to your partner’s profile.

If you’re really uncomfortable putting it in your bio, for fear someone from work or another arena of your life might happen to see it, mention it as soon as possible upon beginning a conversation. “If you don’t feel comfortable, be sure to mention it early in the messaging process,” says Blue. “Most definitely before you show up for your first date. There are many people who are [only] looking for monogamy, so why waste your or their time?”

Be Clear About What You Mean By “Open Relationship”

While the words are often interchanged, being in an open relationship and being polyamorous can mean two different things. “Open relationships are relationships that are not defined by sexual fidelity where the couple mutually agrees to have sexual relationships beyond the dyad [pair],” explains Blue. “Some people use ‘open relationship’ and ‘polyamory’ synonymously. Open relationships being only about sex outside the relationship and polyamory being multiple romantic and loving relationships pursued simultaneously.” She adds that it is important to have a conversation to understand what a person means by “open relationship,” as there are multiple definitions.

Be honest with a potential partner about exactly what you and your current partner’s arrangement is. “[The] idea behind having an open relationship is that you can’t expect to have all your needs met by one person, or there is a part of your gender or sexuality that you want to celebrate and can do so by being in a relationship with someone else other than your primary partner,” explains Singh. “Some partners have rules around their open relationship that they can have sex with other people, however, no emotional connection or relationship is allowed.”

While you don’t necessarily need to slap this information on your Tinder bio, it would be nice to mention it early and definitely before going on a date. “Not everyone you meet online or in person is going to be as psyched about non-monogamy as you are,” Blue adds. “This is okay! A good way to handle these initial conversations is to invite potential dating partners to have a conversation about what your open relationship means to you. The key is to invite rather than impose.”

If you’re new to open relationships, or if you’ve matched with someone whose bio mentions an open relationship, and you’re not sure if you’re ready to be in one, take a look at Effy Blue’s 7 Tips for Dating In Open Relationship. It’s a free download that will help you navigate the language around opening a relationship up on dating apps.

Oh, and as for the secret Facebook group commenter? Turns out the guy had just broken up with his girlfriend a month prior, still lived with her, and had yet to change his Facebook picture. Trust that people in agreed-upon open relationships will let you know upfront, if they don’t, they’re not for you anyway.

“Online dating is a bit like Costco, there’s an enormous range of options. You have to look for the fresh produce aisle,” says Coles. “If you grow up in a small community, you’re desperate for a friend’s cousin to come to town for some new person to connect with. Dating apps are fantastic in that they provide incredible options. You just have to use them carefully.” So before you begin liking, swiping and private messaging, it’s crucial to learn the rules of the road, so you can successfully make meaningful connections in the digital landscape. Here are Coles tips for doing just that:

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

You joined Bumble — but that doesn’t mean your perfect match is just swipes away. “Online dating is merely a tool to connect you with other people” says Cole. So don’t stop meeting people in real life: go out for happy hour after work, join an intramural soccer team, try a new workout class. Dating apps are meant to be an addition to your repertoire; they are not the cure-all. And they certainly won’t do the dirty work for you when it comes to falling in love, says Coles.

Take it offline as soon as possible

When conducting the research for the book, Coles was most surprised to see a central theme crop up: people were keeping their communication online for a long time before meeting in real life. “People will have texty, flirty exchanges without actually talking on the phone or meeting in real life. And you see people giving up days, weeks, months … ” she says. While they are brilliant tools to meet new people, digital exchanges shouldn’t be used as a means to determine if someone is relationship material.

“The key thing to inject the real person into it is get offline. Figure out whether or not this person is someone you actually want to meet in real life,” she says. “You want to try and connect with someone. And my strongest piece of advice is do not waste your time in a lengthy text, flirty exchange with someone, which people often do, because it may turn out that you are connecting with someone online, and you have nothing in common at all.”