Relationships Talk

I’ve never agreed with Pat Benatar that love is a battlefield, but it can definitely feel that way on gay dating apps. The rejections are often brutal, and even successes can be hard-won. When a guy would open a conversation with the classic “into?” I always used to go for a playful reply like: “Specifically? Joan Collins GIFs, Cardi B’s album, and bars within walking distance of my place.” Spoiler: It never got me laid, and only rarely led to a date.

With gay dating apps, it generally pays to keep it simple and allow your personality to unfurl naturally. It also pays to make sure you’re treating whoever you’re chatting to, however anonymous he may seem, with a modicum of respect (that feels like basic advice but you’d be surprised). With this in mind, here’s a guide to navigating the apps without accidentally (or, you know, intentionally, you dick) acting like a douchebag.

Some apps are for arranging dates and making new friends; others lend themselves to scheduling more… transient connections. I’m guessing you don’t need me to tell you which do what (Grindr, I see you). If you’re on an app that’s mainly used for hook-ups, keep small talk to a minimum. There’s a time and place for asking a guy about his favorite Britney deep cut, and it’s not when he’s just sent a totally earth-shattering nude. Sometimes a guy will recognize me on a sex app and message me to say he enjoyed an article I wrote. I’m always flattered, but then slightly disappointed that he didn’t also ask me to bang. (Hey, I’m human.)

Even on a hook-up app, it’s definitely possible to let someone down gently. “Sorry but you’re not my type,” is direct without being offensive. “Sorry I’m just browsing right now” is generally effective, too, and maybe a little more sensitive. If he doesn’t take the hint, tell him your mom’s in town and insists on vetting every guy you meet. Just like that, he’ll be up out your face.

These days, straight-up racists aside, more insidious forms of discrimination can and do creep in. When someone asks, “Where are you from?”, it can be code for (ugh) “Are you foreign?” So if you’re genuinely interested in a guy’s background, it might be more tactful to start that conversation by asking something like, “How long have you been living in Portland?”

Similarly, think twice before putting something like “Venezuelan guys to the front” on your profile. You may think you’re playfully expressing a preference, but really you’re fetishizing someone for his ethnicity.

Does being “masc” make him better in bed or a more loving potential boyfriend? Of course not. Here’s something I’ve learned from my years perusing various gay dating apps: if he says he’s only into “normal” or “straight-acting guys,” he isn’t worth your time. And in my experience, he’ll probably end up doing a Miss Vanjie impression after his third drink, anyway.

Look, no one can tell you what should or shouldn’t turn you on. We all have different tastes and that’s what makes sex and dating so exciting. But some of my most epic hook-ups have been with guys who don’t resemble the “type” I think I’m into. There was an older doctor whose bedroom had a mirrored ceiling and… well, I’ll try to keep this polite. All I’m saying is: it’s amazing what happens when you open your mind.

It just speeds everything up in the long run.

Sure, youth can be intoxicating, but so is a guy who’s been to a few rodeos and knows how to handle a bucking bronco. Whether you’re young, old, or somewhere in between, it’s always sexier when you own it.

Packages at the UPS depot are “sorted.” Human beings are not: We’re constantly-evolving works in progress who fuck up, fall down, and pick ourselves up again. Guys who call themselves “sorted” probably mean they’re financially stable and ready to settle down. Which is great, so just say it that way.

Here’s the thing: most guys who reckon they’re “easygoing” really aren’t. I had “easygoing” on my profile until a second date where the guy made the mistake of suggesting Madonna was “too old” and “needed to put it away.” Reader, there would be no third date.

On some apps I use a butter-wouldn’t-melt face pic; on others I’m basically standing there in my boxer-briefs. It all goes back to “know what you came for.” Today’s gay dating app clichés include the rock climbing pic (“I’m outdoorsy!”), the handstand pic (“I’m fit and flexible!”), and the tropical beach pic (“I’ve traveled to fancy places!”). But be wary of choosing a pic where you’re posing with a celebrity. I remember chatting to a guy whose profile pic had him standing next to Sigourney Weaver. By the time I’d asked how he met her and whether she was nice IRL, it was tricky to pivot back to a sexier strand of chat.

Obviously we all want to see who we’re chatting to, but there are so many reasons why a guy might prefer to remain anonymous, at least initially. Maybe he’s not out. Maybe he’s worried that being pegged as gay or bi could affect his personal or professional life. Maybe he’s deeply insecure about the way he looks. And sure, maybe he’s in a monogamous relationship and wants to cheat on the down-low. But there’s no harm in treading sensitively and giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

Logging onto dating apps can be intimidating, especially if you’re somewhere like West Hollywood or Hell’s Kitchen where there’s a high proliferation of LGBTQ people. Sometimes you’re confronted by guy after guy who looks like he belongs in RuPaul’s pit crew. But unless you’re Antoni Porowski, there’s always someone conventionally “hotter” out there, and it’s honestly not a problem. Never presume what a guy might be “into” and remember that sooner or later, every coin catches its slot.

Last week, a guy I matched with began the conversation by saying “Two facts and one lie about yourself—go!” It was stressful and a total turn-off—was I expected to be instantly witty on a Sunday morning? Honestly, it’s better to use a bland but friendly opener like “How’s your weekend going?” If you have chemistry, you’ll soon find a rhythm.

It sounds corny AF, but if you’re having fun you’ll probably end up showing off your most endearing and infectious personality traits.

Given the things he did to you on the breakfast bar two days ago, a smile in the soap aisle at Trader Joe’s isn’t too much to ask for. In 2018, blanking people we’ve hooked up with is definitely not the gay agenda.