Relationships Talk

“Bye Felipe,” published by Running Press, based in Philadelphia, was released Tuesday.  

Tweten, who lives in Los Angeles, said she wrote it to help women navigate the perils of online dating and provide practical advice on how to overcome the harassment that is rampant in the world of dating apps.

“It’s kind of a field guide to harassing messages from trolls, fat-shamers and mansplainers” that women sometimes contend with online, Tweten said. “It’s a guide for how to respond to all these.”

Her goal is to give women tools they need to take control of their dating life.

The book’s title is a takeoff on a memorable quote, “Bye Felicia,” from the 1995 film “Friday,” which is often used as a dismissive farewell.    

The book includes stories about her own dating life and that of her friends, she said. “It’s kind of a memoir, with general dating advice.”

Blending humor, feminist theory and solidarity, the book offers profiles of the worst types of guys — also known as “Felipes” — ranging from the crude and crass to the potentially dangerous.

It’s been described as “the dating equivalent of a life vest for women,” by Soraya Chemaly, author of “Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger.”

Although intended for the female audience, “it would be good for men to read, too,” Tweten said.   

“The main takeaway is just being confident in yourself and not letting men who insult you, not letting that stop you.”   

Roots in the area

Tweten, who graduated from Climax High School in 2005, majored in journalism at St. Cloud (Minn.) State University.

Her parents are Kim Tweten of Climax and Larry Tweten, Grafton, N.D.

After earning a bachelor’s degree with in journalism, with a minor in women’s studies, from SCSU in 2009, she moved to Los Angeles for an internship with Ms. magazine.

“I was only supposed to be here for four months,” she said. “But I liked it here — the weather, the amount of things to do, people to connect with, the opportunities that are here.”  

Tweten worked at the magazine for a year and later, for a few months, with Sen. Barbara Boxer’s (D-Calif.) campaign for Senate, she said.

She was working at Ticketmaster Live Nation, when she started the Instagram account, “Bye Felipe,” launching it in October 2014 in response to women she’d met online.

“I was in an online group with all these women, and we were talking about the crazy messages we’d get,” she remembered. “One woman, who had posted something, received a response, but she didn’t respond. Twelve hours later, he sent a message calling her an a–hole.”

Similar stories soon emerged.

Tweten said the purpose of the blog, “originally, was to make fun of men and to commiserate with my friends — a community of women who patted each others’ backs.”

She created “Bye Felipe” before the Me Too and Time’s Up movement came on the scene, she said.

“It was a precursor to calling out bad behavior we see, and women who are saying, ‘We’re not going to take it anymore,’ ” she said, noting that, too often in the past, women have tacitly accepted it.

“We just took it as a daily thing, and expected it to happen,” she said. “I wanted to bring up the subject, why should women have to deal with that?”

Seeds for a book

A couple of weeks after Tweten started her blog, Olga Khazan, a journalist who was researching the topic of online harassment, interviewed her for an article in “The Atlantic.” The article, “Rise of the Feminist Tinder-Creep-Busting Web Vigilante,” was published Oct. 27, 2014.

“The story was picked up in all the media — the Huffington Post, The Guardian, The New York Times,” Tweten said.

After that, “Bye Felipe” skyrocketed.

The blog, which had a few hundred followers, grew to 30,000 followers in a week, she said.

In the years since, it has grown to 422,000 followers.

Tweten seems a little surprised by the attention her blog and its messages have attracted.

“I never set out to create that,” she said. “It just sort of happened.”

She has been featured in national media outlets including the New York Times, Huffington Post, The Guardian and “Cosmopolitan” magazine, and has appeared on “Good Morning, America,” and “Nightline.”        

As Tweten began to absorb the responses of women on “Bye Felipe” — and all the examples of hateful messages spewed by disgruntled men — she was inspired to pursue another venture.   

“I wanted to write a book about it,” she said. “I quit my day job at Ticketmaster and worked on it all this past year.”

She’s been encouraged by women who appreciate the chance to air their grievances about male misbehavior.

“I get responses from women who say, ‘Thank you for giving women a voice. I thought I was the only one (dealing with this),’ ” she said.  

A nasty message “does hurt, especially if you experience it all the time, and you hear it over and over again.”   

Next book

Tweten is busy working on a book proposal for her next book.

“I quit my job last year so I have to sell another one, or get a job,” she said.   

This one is geared toward men. She has a title in mind but not one she’s ready to share.

“A lot of guys are sort of clueless,” she said. “This will be a simple guide on how to not be terrible.”  

When it comes to her own approach to dating, “I follow my gut usually,” Tweten said.

She advises women to watch for “red flags” when they meet men online.

“Like, if they don’t ask you any questions and jump to inappropriate subjects right away, those are signs of narcissistic behavior,” she said.

“There are tons of different dating apps; they all have a different sort of vibe,” she said. “Go into it with an open mind. If you’re not comfortable, delete it.”

Tweten reassures her audience that there are nice guys out there, but it’s important to be cautious and to put their own safety first, she said.

If a woman receives harassing messages, “it’s best to block (that person) and report them on whatever platform you’re on,” she said. “It’s difficult though because they just create another account.”   

Some men may seem to be OK at first, “but you never know what they’re going to turn out to be.”         

Book-signing Event:

Who: Alexandra Tweten, author

What: Book-signing event for her book “Bye Felipe”

When: 5-7 p.m. Friday, Aug. 31  

Where: Ferguson Books and More, 1720 S. Washington St.   

“Bye Felipe,” published by Running Press, based in Philadelphia, was released Tuesday, Aug. 21.

Tweten, who lives in Los Angeles, said she wrote it to help women navigate the perils of online dating and provide practical advice on how to overcome the harassment that is rampant in the world of dating apps.

“It’s kind of a field guide to harassing messages from trolls, fat-shamers and mansplainers” that women sometimes contend with online, Tweten said. “It’s a guide for how to respond to all these.”

Her goal is to give women tools they need to take control of their dating life.

The book’s title is a takeoff on a memorable quote, “Bye Felicia,” from the 1995 film, “Friday,” which is often used as a dismissive farewell.

The book includes stories about her own dating life and that of her friends, she said. “It’s kind of a memoir, with general dating advice.”

Blending humor, feminist theory and solidarity, the book offers profiles of the worst types of guys — also known as “Felipes” — ranging from the crude and crass to the potentially dangerous.

It’s been described as “the dating equivalent of a life vest for women,” by Soraya Chemaly, author of “Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger.”

Although intended for the female audience, “it would be good for men to read, too,” Tweten said.

“The main takeaway is just being confident in yourself and not letting men who insult you, not letting that stop you.”

Roots in the area

Tweten, who graduated from Climax High School in 2005, majored in journalism at St. Cloud (Minn.) State University.

Her parents are Kim Tweten of Climax and Larry Tweten, of Grafton, N.D.

After earning a bachelor’s degree with in journalism, with a minor in women’s studies, from SCSU in 2009, she moved to Los Angeles for an internship with Ms. magazine.

“I was only supposed to be here for four months,” she said. “But I liked it here — he weather, the amount of things to do, people to connect with, the opportunities that are here.”

Tweten worked at the magazine for a year and later, for a few months, with Sen. Barbara Boxer’s (D-Calif.) campaign for Senate, she said.

She was working at Ticketmaster Live Nation, when she started the Instagram account, “Bye Felipe,” launching it in October 2014 in response to women she’d met online.

“I was in an online group with all these women, and we were talking about the crazy messages we’d get,” she remembered. “One woman, who had posted something, received a response, but she didn’t respond. Twelve hours later, he sent a message calling her an a–hole.”

Similar stories soon emerged.

Tweten said the purpose of the blog, “originally, was to make fun of men and to commiserate with my friends — a community of women who patted each others’ backs.”

She created “Bye Felipe” before the Me Too and Time’s Up movement came on the scene, she said.

“It was a precursor to calling out bad behavior we see, and women who are saying, ‘We’re not going to take it anymore,’ ” she said, noting that, too often in the past, women have tacitly accepted it.

“We just took it as a daily thing, and expected it to happen,” she said. “I wanted to bring up the subject, why should women have to deal with that?”

Seeds for a book

A couple of weeks after Tweten started her blog, Olga Khazan, a journalist who was researching the topic of online harassment, interviewed her for an article in “The Atlantic.” The article, “Rise of the Feminist Tinder-Creep-Busting Web Vigilante,” was published Oct. 27, 2014.

“The story was picked up in all the media — the Huffington Post, The Guardian, The New York Times,” Tweten said.

After that, “Bye Felipe” skyrocketed.

The blog, which had a few hundred followers, grew to 30,000 followers in a week, she said.

In the years since, it has grown to 422,000 followers.

Tweten seems a little surprised by the attention her blog and its messages have attracted.

“I never set out to create that,” she said. “It just sort of happened.”

She has been featured in national media outlets including the New York Times, Huffington Post, The Guardian and “Cosmopolitan” magazine, and has appeared on “Good Morning, America,” and “Nightline.”

As Tweten began to absorb the responses of women on “Bye Felipe” — and all the examples of hateful messages spewed by disgruntled men — she was inspired to pursue another venture.

“I wanted to write a book about it,” she said. “I quit my day job at Ticketmaster and worked on it all this past year.”

She’s been encouraged by women who appreciate the chance to air their grievances about male misbehavior.

“I get responses from women who say, ‘Thank you for giving women a voice. I thought I was the only one (dealing with this),'” she said.

A nasty message “does hurt, especially if you experience it all the time, and you hear it over and over again.”

Next book

Tweten is busy working on a book proposal for her next book.

“I quit my job last year so I have to sell another one, or get a job,” she said.

This one is geared toward men. She has a title in mind but not one she’s ready to share.

“A lot of guys are sort of clueless,” she said. “This will be a simple guide on how to not be terrible.”

When it comes to her own approach to dating, “I follow my gut usually,” Tweten said.

She advises women to watch for “red flags” when they meet men online.

“Like, if they don’t ask you any questions and jump to inappropriate subjects right away, those are signs of narcissistic behavior,” she said.

“There are tons of different dating apps; they all have a different sort of vibe,” she said. “Go into it with an open mind. If you’re not comfortable, delete it.”

Tweten reassures her audience that there are nice guys out there, but it’s important to be cautious and to put their own safety first, she said.

If a woman receives harassing messages, “it’s best to block (that person) and report them on whatever platform you’re on,” she said. “It’s difficult though because they just create another account.”

Some men may seem to be OK at first, “but you never know what they’re going to turn out to be.”

Every millennial with a penchant for adventure and access to a smartphone will agree: Dating is not for the faint-hearted. Throw in a slew of subpar Tinder matches, ghosting and @byefelipe-worthy messages, and you’ve got yourself every 20-something’s living nightmare. Her phone is practically Groundhog Day personified.

But what happens when you do end up meeting a normal human who gets your quirks and never judges you for ordering avocado toast every Sunday morning? If you’re not totally freaked out by this potential partner’s niceties, a courtship might ensue … and you’ll — gasp! — even feel happy. 

And once that happens…how do you keep the magic going so you never have to activate The League again? These real couples, who’ve been together for longer than most of us have been dating, have an idea. And we’re all ears.

Here’s what they have to say.

1. “Buy each other chocolates from time to time.”

2. “If you do the small things that make him or her happy, you will be happy.”

3. “Don’t let yourself get lazy about your objectives in life. People that do get lazy tend to not feel good about themselves, thereby causing problems in the relationship such as jealousy and insecurity.”

4. “Be open about your sexual needs.”

5. “Put yourself in your S.O.’s shoes. It becomes much easier to find compromise that way.”

6. “You need separate hobbies and interests. You can share hobbies as well but you really need some activities you do without the other person.”

7. “Don’t take your relationship for granted, because it can be taken away from you at any time. Though not your fault, illness, accidents or ‘fate’ can intervene and pull the rug out from under your feet. Cherish your partner and the time you have together and make the best of every day you have together. I lost my partner at age 52 to cancer, and I miss her dearly every day. You just never know.”

8. “‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ works for us.”

9. “Your relationship is a competition. You only score points by doing things for the other person. You both need to try to ‘win.’”

10. “My wife and I set aside an hour a week to talk about our issues with the relationship, our fears about it, our hopes for it. It’s a time and a place for us to resolve issues we’re having so that they don’t build up and cause major problems in the future.”

11. “Kiss and hug more often.”

12. “Don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s.”

13. “If it’s not actually important, let that s— go. It doesn’t necessarily matter who is right or wrong. Don’t waste your energy fighting about things that don’t really matter.”

14. “Never stop working at it. Relationships are hard, and even the best argue and bicker. It’s part of spending so much time with another person.”

15. “Treat your S.O. as a friend and not just your S.O. Don’t expect them to do the dishes or your laundry. Treating my wife as my friend and my equal has worked for me for past decade.”

16. “Be physically affectionate. I don’t care if you’re both tired and you have kids and jobs and a headache! Sex is one of the great pleasures in life and it keeps you connected.”

17. “Literally always tell the truth.”

18. “Understand that you are two entirely different people and you won’t see eye to eye on everything. Something that is important to you may not be important to them and likewise. Know that it’s okay. Be supportive of each other.”

19. “Give them compliments and thank them for little things. Everyone likes feeling appreciated.”

20. “Argue naked.”

21. “Watch the same thing on Netflix at the same time if you’re long-distance. It’ll make you feel closer.”

22. “You do not need to share everything. Leave some things a mystery. Our ‘bathroom time’ is always personal.”

23. “My favorite advice, from a couple married for 60 years: whenever you get into an argument, compromise 90 percent. It might feel like 90 percent, but it’s probably closer to 50 percent. When you both do it, you meet in the middle.”

24. “Don’t ever threaten to dump your S.O., and if a fight breaks out give each other space. It is better to be separated than to say something you don’t mean.”

25. “Being able to laugh together trumps how hot they are in the sack over the long run. Looks fade, humor never will.”

26. “Do not let yourself go. I mean this personality-wise and appearance-wise. Be the person your S.O. fell in love with to the best of your ability. Effort is key.”

27. “Choose your battles wisely.”

28. “Stay on top of your finances. Building a nest together will bring you closer together, where as excessive debt is as relationship killer.”

29. “Rub each other’s feet.”

30. “Don’t be passive aggressive. If you have an issue, use your grown up words. Passive aggressive sulking only leads to resentment on both sides.”

31. “Argue often, but don’t fight. This may sound like it wouldn’t help, but if you and your significant other can argue through something, without the argument becoming an actual fight, you learn a lot about the person. Arguing allows you to see how they work through situations in their mind, and it teaches the two of you how to rationally work through any disputes or problems.”

32. “I often say this as a joke but it has a deeper serious element: fart contests. If you can accept each other in the most basic way, the rest is easy. Not for everybody but it works for us. We’ve been together for 25 years and this is the second marriage for both of us. Also, research shows if you both like the way each other smells you have a good chance in making it.”

33. “You should be able to talk about everything and anything with your significant other. I am always amazed when people are ‘scared’ to talk to their S.O. or hide things from them. Why? This is the person you trust with your heart, you should be an open book to them.”

34. “Don’t just hear, but actively listen and pay attention to what your S.O. is saying. Face them, ask questions, etc. It makes people feel understood and valued.”

35. “Don’t put the other person in a situation that you wouldn’t want to be put in. If you would feel uncomfortable about him/her hanging out with a guy/girl late at night, then don’t do it yourself.”

36. “Set expectations and enforce them. Otherwise, you are settling. That is the worst possible thing.”

37. “Stand up for yourself. If it is important, don’t keep your mouth shut about it. Speaking up is better than holding it in.”

38. “Don’t let your relationship become your whole entire world. Maintain your friendships as you normally would. Meaning, don’t talk to your friends any less, at the very least. If they are true friends and they are understanding friends, they will know that time must be split between them and your S.O.”

39. “Tell her she’s beautiful every day. Tell him he is handsome every day. Keep that spark alive.”

40. “Keep your toenails trimmed. Trust me on this one.”

41. “We have been married for 25 years. Every evening we go for a walk in the neighborhood. The phones get left at home, we hold hands as we walk, and we talk about anything. It keeps us in touch with each other.”

42. “If something annoying happens daily around the house — like leaving the linen closet door open so when you go in the bathroom the doors hit each other — approach it not as ‘Would you not do this?’ but as ‘I propose we always shut this door. So the doors don’t hit each other.’ This simple change makes what could be considered nagging into a helpful suggestion.”

43. “Be kind.”

44. “Don’t look for the person who ‘completes’ you. Be complete yourself. Then find the person who understands you and will give you room to grow.”

45. “My cousin gave me the best relationship advice on the day of my marriage. He said: ‘Marriage is great, as long as you’re not a selfish turd.’ He was right.”

46. “My wife and I each get one night a week to get away from our kid and each other. Oh my, how it has helped us stay happy! Everyone needs some ‘me’ time. Everyone.”

47. “Don’t let yourself become complacent. You’ll end up taking your partner for granted and it can turn an otherwise happy relationship sour. It happens slowly and most don’t even realize why they aren’t satisfied with their partner until it’s too late and the love is gone.”

48. “Never stop dating.”

49. “Have a silly tradition. Ours is to save memes over a couple of weeks and then spend a couple minutes showing each other the ridiculousness and laughing.”

50. “Don’t let your pride keep you from saying you’re sorry, or even seeing that you were in the wrong. At one point or another, you’re going to be the one who was in the wrong. Own up to it and apologize.”

All entries on Reddit have been edited for length and clarity.