Tag Archives: dating advice
Workplace WhatsApp groups, dating ruts, dodgy flatmates and a fear of commitment – this week's Dear Fifi advice column
There’s a nice piece by Kingsley Amis on hangovers, which I find myself thinking about quite often. Here is an excerpt:
It’ll be okay. Somehow. It always has been before. Talk to me.
I changed workplace about six months ago and I thought I was beginning to fit in fairly well but have only just found out there’s an active and not-a-secret casual WhatsApp group that all the staff are members of, except me. I won’t want to come across too strong and ask someone to add me to it, but am I right to feel a little bit hurt that nobody has ever mentioned it to me or invited me to join it? Or am I just being paranoid that maybe I’m not fitting in the way I thought I was?
WhatsApp groups are a pox on humanity and you should thank your lucky stars you’ve been spared from this extra daily suffering.
But to be serious, I’m sure it’s just a classic case of everyone assuming you’re already in it or that someone else has added you. If you want in, just mention you’re not in it the next time it’s brought up. The fact they’re not hiding it from you means there’s no problem. Maybe even tell someone you’re friendliest with at work you’re not in it. It won’t be a big deal at all. Don’t overthink this! You’re grand.
Hi! I’m a 29 year old man and in a bit of a rut dating wise. I’ve always had self-esteem issues and I find the likes of Tinder really hard. Do you have any advice for widening my social circle and meeting/approaching women and flirting? I spend most nights out with friends worried that I would just be bothering people rather than enjoying new interactions!
Nights out aren’t always the best place to meet new people, especially if you’re struggling with confidence issues. I’d recommend the classics – join a club or take up a hobby that has an active social element to it, like tag rugby or Toastmasters. Try dating apps that aren’t as intense as Tinder, like OKCupid. I’ve written about this in some detail right here, which I think you can apply to your situation. Good luck. Knock ‘em dead.
I recently made a drastic leap from home and emigrated to pursue my career. I had a plan for months to move in with someone I had known a few years and after a few days of having moved in, it all turned sour very quickly (which was a shock to me tbh) due to a third party that likes to stir things. It’s created a lot of tension and as a result, I feel utterly uneasy in the situation I’m in.
It sounds like a biased thing to say but it wasn’t my fault and while yes, I tried to stand up for myself by engaging in a conversation about our disagreement, I feel I am being overpowered and being intimidated out of my home now ever since.
Move. Life is too short to feel overpowered and intimidated in your own home. However, try to repair the friendship if you can – or at least learn from how things went south. You say you’re not being biased when you say it wasn’t your fault, but really reflect on where things went awry and aim to not repeat this experience in the future. Look at it from their point of view and try to see where they’re coming from. But in the meantime, just move.
It sounds like the living situation is untenable. A toxic living situation can bleed into other elements of your life. Emigration is a tough enough time without this added stress. Give yourself a fighting chance with this new location. When the dust settles, make sure you get some insights into how to move forward and ensure you don’t repeat what went wrong in this shitty situation at least.
I’m a couple of months into a new relationship after a two long-term ones that were quite traumatic. I’m absolutely terrified of hurting this new person, but I’m honestly not sure if I’m ready for this again. I don’t know if I should just back away now or stick with it and risk causing more pain if it doesn’t work out.
Get your head straight. If you’re planning on letting this person go to be by yourself, be honest and fair to them. Be kind, always. Don’t lead them on and leave them in the dark about why the relationship was cut short if you do decide you can’t cope with a commitment right now. But if you decide to stay in it, you have to really be all in. It’s the only fair thing to do.
Imagine your life without them – and without the possibility of them. How does that feel?
Start talking. Figure it out. Do right by them, whatever that means. Remember that you are not your past and your relationships do not define your future. Maybe think about getting some counselling if you are finding these traumatic relationships still having an effect on your life and pursuit of happiness. You can be free of all that.
How to get involved in the Irish weird Twitter community? I’ve recently moved away for work and Irish weird Twitter makes me feel less homesick. The problem is that Twitter doesn’t lend itself well to friend making and I’m terrified of becoming one of those reply guys.
I’ve made a good few friends through Twitter. Be interested in people, be sound and be kind, but be judicious with replies. Get the vibe right. If you’re always replying to someone and they don’t follow you back or ever reply to you, you might be tackling this wrong. To move the friendship into real life, DM slide when appropriate. Weigh up how a compliment is going to come off from a stranger.
It goes without saying, don’t be creepy!
(If my DM inbox is anything to go by, this doesn’t go without saying, but how and ever.)
I’m a late-30s man, single for a couple of years now, with a good social circle. I don’t have kids and after plenty of reflection I don’t want to be a parent, but I fear no one will want a long-term relationship with me if I don’t want to have children. (I’ve even had friends say this to me.)
I’m not going to raise this on a first date or anything, but neither do I want to ‘trap’ someone in a relationship if they want children but I don’t. At this point in my life I’m seriously thinking that I’m going to miss out on having a lifelong relationship because I don’t want to have children, and this really makes me sad.
Don’t be sad. There are plenty of women out there who feel the same way that you do – and one of them is the one for you. I admire your commitment to transparency and this is something you should hang on to, but don’t worry that this makes you unloveable in some profound way, because it does not. There are all sorts of way to live life.
There are plenty of people in the world looking for companionship without starting a family and I have faith that you will find the person for you. After all, they wouldn’t be the right person if they didn’t agree with your stance on this.
Maybe try dating sites where you can disclose this is a less pressurised manner, rather than having it playing on your mind in the early stages of a relationship.
You’re not defined by your desire not to have children. This is just one part of you. You have lots to offer a person in a relationship. Focus on that stuff.
Want to talk?
Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always.
Check out previous advice>
New York City Dating Advice: How to find love without using an app
MANHATTAN, New York (WABC) —
This interview won’t help you get an actual date, but it will help you gain some perspective.
Dating in New York City isn’t like dating anywhere else in the country. So if you’re struggling… you’re not alone.
What makes New York equally amazing and horrible for dating is the sheer number of options. Thanks to online services it’s never been easier to find them.
I sat down with dating expert, Sameera Sullivan to hear why she says dating in New York City is one of the hardest places to date – specifically for successful women.
Sameera founded Lasting Connections more than four years ago. Her mission is to provide the best matchmaking service to those looking for their life partners.
Her vision for Lasting Connections came from her work experience in the matchmaking industry, as well as in the headhunting/recruiting industry.
Combining her two skill sets, she realized a matchmaking company could utilize the same techniques as a recruiting firm when finding ideal matches for clients.
Instead of simply sifting through existing databases and waiting for “the right one” to come along, she would develop new protocols for proactively finding clients their ideal matches.
Sameera is a big advocate of meeting in person. Greeting someone face to face, instead of from behind your phone screen. She thinks the dating app culture has had a huge impact on why most Americans are single today.
Commitment and marriage are no longer the priority, making it harder and harder to someone to meet someone interested in a serious relationship.
From widowers to divorcees, people of all ages and backgrounds, Sameera gave us some of the top tips for dating in New York City.
(Copyright ©2018 WABC-TV. All Rights Reserved.)
Love is in the air(waves): A radio show in Kashmir is breaking taboos by giving dating advice
In his trademark calm voice, Kashmir’s newest radio jockey Mirchi Vijdan dispenses advice to his growing tribe of listeners on how to deal with problems that come with long-distance relationships. “The real goal is not to be afraid of the test of fire,” he said on his late-evening show. “If you think you will grow apart because of the distance, that might just happen.” Vijdan cautions listeners that living in the same city does not guarantee a relationship’s success, and to drive home the point, he shares his own experience – Vijdan and his girlfriend broke up after five years, soon after she returned to Kashmir. He encourages couples in similar situations to focus on the fact that the person they love is “far away but close to their hearts”.
Vijdan’s show isn’t just any regular radio programme. In a conflict-ridden society, where public display of hate and violence is rampant, and threats of moral policing by fringe elements not unknown, the Srinagar resident has broken a taboo by going on air to talk about issues like falling in love before marriage and proffering relationship advice.
Vijdan belongs to the generation of Kashmiri youth that grew up in the troubled 1990s when the streets were battlegrounds. “For us a candlelight dinner does not mean a romantic dinner,” he said. “It brings back memories of when families would draw the curtains and huddle together under a candle to have dinner discreetly, lest it draw the attention [of security forces or militants]. We had no nightlife and we had no space to talk about emotions.”
Mirchi Vijdan often welcomes listeners with his catchphrase “khawa-teens aur hazards”.
At the same time he is careful about walking a thin line on his show. “I don’t want to hurt the dominant sentiments in the society,” he said. “But the reality is that people do date here. There is no-one to talk to about the lack of motivation [to deal with the issues] or inspire [them] to keep it together and deal with [their] problems.”
This marks a step away from the existing monotony in Kashmir’s comparatively few radio stations. Until this year, there was only one private radio station – Big FM – that operated in Kashmir, apart from two government radio stations. Now there are two more private stations – Radio Mirchi and Red FM – with another in the pipeline. Big FM would largely run shows on civic issues and rope in various officials to talk about public grievances. While such shows would “solve social issues, they didn’t know about the personal problems that people face,” explained Athar Kuchay, a regular listener of Vijdan’s show.
Let’s talk about love
Vijdan, whose real name is Vijdan Saleem, hails from Quil Maqaam in north Kashmir’s Bandipora district. A former journalist, he was at first reluctant when he was assigned a love show during his orientation training at Radio Mirchi’s Chandigarh office, unsure how it would be received in Kashmir’s largely conservative society. But since the launch on June 16, the number of listeners tuning in to the daily three-hour evening show is on the rise. Vijdan’s Instagram account reflects his growing fan base. In the last one month, Vijdan says, he has acquired more than 1,000 followers. “I get most of my feedback there. And it’s all [been] very good response.”
Sitting on a tall chair in the soundproof studio in Srinagar, Vijdan sometimes welcomes listeners with his catchphrase “khawa-teens aur hazards”, a cheeky word play on the Urdu phrase “khawateen aur hazrat” (ladies and gentlemen). The sprawling city with the hills in the background can be glimpsed through the open window behind him, a city in which, Vijdan says, an atmosphere of insecurity persists even today. “Even relationships, where both [partners] are in Srinagar, tend to become long distance. People cannot meet each other often. I try to give [these] people hope; that their problems are real and need help to deal with.”
Talking about love in strife-torn Kashmir gives immense hope to Vijdan. Fayaz Kabli/Reuters
Sheikh Shazia, a 28-year-old resident of Srinagar, tunes into the show on most evenings after she first discovered it while driving. Radio programmes in Kashmir, she says, focus on “difficult issues” and the youth are largely ignored. “They never talk about love, which is needed in Kashmir,” she said. “Talking about love, lost or gained, is something I can relate to.”
Means to spread hope
This is Vijdan’s first stint as an RJ and he says he is “just trying to be a friend”. Within a week after going on air, listeners began reaching out to him on social media to discuss the show, or to simply to pour their hearts out. Some users even messaged him saying “everything seems normal now”, while others have found an outlet to express their feelings. “When I pick up these issues and people tell me their stories, it goes beyond radio,” said Vijdan. “I am personally trying to uplift people’s spirits, tell them that this is not the end of the world.”
Asif Ahmad, 20, who lives in Pulwama in south Kashmir, says the show helped him deal with a recent heartbreak. “Talking to my friends did not help as much,” he said. “Our experiences were the same. They didn’t have solutions to give. But his [Vijdan’s] show gave me a new perspective.” The show has helped Ahmad learn things he says no one had ever told him before, right from how to approach someone and carry oneself during a date to how to dress up for the occasion. Another listener of the Vijdan’s show, a postgraduate student at the Kashmir University, describes the programme content as “weak” but adds that “it is a bit liberating to talk about these things”.
Vijdan relates an anecdote from his native village of Quil Maqaam. A woman accidentally dialled the wrong number, but the conversations it led to, with a man from the village, eventually led to their marriage. In a Kashmir where stories of deaths and killings are aplenty, Vijdan says such stories of hope are rare.
Talking about love is not merely a job for Vijdan. “When I speak on the radio after dark, it gives me immense hope,” he said. “I believe I can translate that hope and offer companionship to someone sitting by themselves, in a hamlet outside Srinagar.”
15 Real Men Reveal Their #1 Struggle When It Comes To Relationships
Men struggle, too.
What’s the best dating advice? That men and women both find dating hard. However, we don’t necessarily find the same things about dating challenging.
For women, the challenges of dating can be stuff like worrying what men think about seeming too enthusiastic, or dealing with the seemingly never-ending swath of dudes who reach out on dating apps. For men, dating challenges exist, but not in a way that many woman could immediately name. After all, we aren’t dudes. It makes sense that we would understand what they go through when it comes to the wacky world of dating.
While it might not have ever occurred to you, while men and women have different challenges when it comes to dating, understanding the challenges that the opposite sex faces can actually make it easier for us to do battle with our own dating struggles.
Some men might not exactly feel comfortable opening up honestly about their challenges when it comes to dating, but the men of the AskMen subforum on Reddit were happy to share their biggest struggles when it comes to dating. Recently, one redditor asked, “What’s your biggest struggle when dating?“
What did they have to say? Read on to find out, and maybe men will stop seeming like such strange creatures and more like other humans just trying to make a connection, just like you!
1. I can’t always figure out what the other person is thinking.
2. I lack the energy for dating again after a breakup.
“I thought I’d met the love of my life. We broke up a couple of months ago. I now find myself at 35 and having to start all over again with meeting someone. It’s going to suck. So I’d say my biggest dating struggle is finding the energy to get out there again.”
3. Dealing with optimists is the worst.
“Common misconception is that everyone will eventually find the right person for them. It’s much more likely to find someone who’s compatible on the surface but with major underlying incompatibilities, or to just never meet anyone at all. I don’t pretend that it’s impossible to find a great match, but when people speak in absolution that ‘you’ll find someone,’ I feel patronized by their blind optimism.”
4. It starts to feel repetitive.
“As a fellow serial dater, do you ever feel like it becomes scripted? Like the first few dates are what it takes to be interesting and converse. It is just so easy, I go on auto pilot. I really like doing fun and unique things for dates, but definitely not worth it until you find someone you like.”
5. All that effort gives me so little in return.
“When I was actively trying to date, I would get a date once every 3 to 6 months. That’s to get one date. So you’re putting in a large effort for the searching part, only to hope to get something in a span of 1/4 to 1/2 a year. I have female friends and colleagues that get a date without doing anything within 1 month of breaking up with a guy. Many, if they’re actively searching, can get a date a week.”
6. I have yet to meet nice people.
“Yeah, it’s like a side job that you pay for instead of being paid. And the ‘customers’ treat you like garbage!”
7. It’s hard to open up all over again.
“Putting my guard down. It’s not so much getting hurt by someone, it’s more so hurting myself. I am the King of self-sabotage and if I don’t open up or get attached I can’t mess it up, which in hindsight I guess I’m still messing myself up. I try to make a conscious effort to put my guard down, but it’s difficult.”
8. Meeting people seems impossible.
“Getting out of the house. I don’t know what to do to meet people.”
9. I find it difficult to take the lead.
“Just kind of tired of leading. At least in the initial stages I feel like I lead all the conversations, the dates themselves, the pay, everything. I’m tired of it feeling like a prolonged interview. One time I got drunk and had a gay Italian guy literally wine and dine me. I feel horrible for leading him on (I found out that night that I’m as straight as they come), but I found it so refreshing that for once I was the one being wooed and seduced. I just wish that more of my dates and relationships with women were closer to that. I want someone else to lead for a change.”
10. I fear being ghosted.
“Ghosting. That always sucks because you’re left wondering ‘why?’ But I’ve come to realize that I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t prioritize me enough to respond.”
11. I struggle to be emotionally vulnerable.
“Opening myself up emotionally to them. Like most guys, I grew up not really opening up to anybody. Then you find that first person that you love, the person who you think is the one. You open yourself up to them. About things you’ve never told anybody. You trust them to hold your heart and not crush it. For most people, they inevitably do.”
12. It’s just hard to find the time.
“Time to meet someone new. My life is busy and if I had a partner I’d prioritize time for them, but it’s hard to make the time to meet new people, especially when it ends up disappointing.”
13. I can’t always figure out if it’s love or friendship.
“My biggest issue is finding the line between when my date is interested in me as a friend, or as a romance. I am the worst at interpreting signals and usually I don’t try to make a move since I don’t wish to be intrusive if the feeling isn’t reciprocal. Most of my dates don’t lead to anything more than the occasional meet-up, since I seldom can tell if my date is being friendly or actually interested in me romantically.”
14. I’m too short.
“I’m 5’3”, so pretty much invisible. I talk to girls online and then they find out how short I am and stop talking to me.”
15. I haven’t met the right one.
“I wouldn’t say my issue it getting dates; apps like Tinder make that pretty easy. My issue is that I rarely find one I like. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone out with a 26-year-old cashier who lives with their parents and has no ambition to change a thing. Usually, when I find one I can actually get excited about, she either isn’t interested or ends up being mentally unwell, and the whole thing falls apart.”
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the love and dating advice show, Becca After Dark, on YourTango’s Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.
