Category Archives: Dating Advice
Risky Tips [With Kate Quigley]: The Dating Detox Challenge – Mandatory
A New Years resolution comes and goes faster than a Whac-A-Mole, but if you’re going to give up something that’s keeping you down, it might be time for a dating detox. Tune in for this week’s Risky Tips with our favorite female comedian, Kate Quigley.
I called it No-Dick November.
It happened by accident at first. I was in love with a musician. He, of course, was in love with drugs. After telling me I was the perfect woman, he ghosted without explanation. I later found out the truth. He needed rehab, and I needed it to be over. I was devastated and frustrated. Not only with him, but equally as much with myself. Here I was again. Same pattern. I meet a guy who I think is different, ignore all red flags and fall hopelessly in love. Then it when it ended in a blink.
I spent the next months making my friends listen to the same sob story where I’m the victim of another lying f*ckboy, all the while self-medicating with sex & attention. I was feeling like something drastic needed to change, but I had no idea how. I read a million self-help books, talked to a therapist, you name it. They all said the same thing:
Learn to love yourself.
This always bothered me, because I thought I did. I believed I was a great catch. Funny, cute, into sports, low maintenance. I didn’t understand that loving yourself, truly meant being comfortable by yourself. You have to know that you don’t need anyone else to make you happy. That feeling was something I had never truly mastered. So I chose to try something new…
[Enter: No-Dick November]
I decided I would go one month without men (and that didn’t just mean sex). This included texting, sexting, dates, or any other drama that stems from or leads to romance. And you know what? It changed my life. That may sound insane. I know a month isn’t long, but it only takes a few days to break a pattern. Here’s why you have to do it…
You’ve forgotten how to have fun alone.
It’s not until you’re truly alone (not lonely, just alone) that you have to parent yourself into doing things to keep yourself alive and entertained. Like holy shit, I used to play guitar! How is it possible I completely forgot I played guitar?! Oh, that’s right, because I was spending all my time and energy trying to playing the dating game.
From the moment we discover the opposite sex, we spend so much of our lives chasing it around, analyzing it. Girls get together for cocktails or lunch, and every moment is spent trying to figure out what his text meant, how to get the guy to commit, how long to wait to let him in our pants. Guys get together to watch sports or play video games. Lucky bastards!
Imagine if you just took this whole topic off the table for a month. For the first few days, it’s tricky. At least for me, it was. My habit was to flirt, text guys, scroll through dating apps, but now suddenly that wasn’t an option. One night, shortly into my “dick detox,” I started reading a book. I used to read all the time. I don’t even know when I stopped. Before I knew it, I had read three. And started playing guitar again, watched a documentary on Nelson Mandela, showered most of the days of the week.
This was all just in the first two weeks! Now it’s been 6 weeks. I haven’t even gone back to dating yet, or even flirty texting guys. I’m having much more fun being myself, doing things I love and not stressing over dudes.
You can actually get shit done (for once).
This is obvious. You think you’ll be more productive, but I’m talking light-years. There is nothing distracting me. I don’t have to leave time for a boyfriend or sex. I don’t have to worry about getting let down or letting anyone down because I’m behind on work. Even if you have time to date with your current workload, you could probably start a whole new project or business with the time you invest in your relationship.
Imagine if you took a dating detox for just six months. In that time, you could write a screenplay or a book, brainstorm cancer cures or come up with a plan for retirement!
Save yourself some money while you’re at it.
Dating is expensive. That alone sounds like reason enough, but if you break it down, it’s ridiculous. With the amount of time I spend taking hot selfies in the mirror to send to guys I sleep with, I could drive an Uber and actually afford to live comfortably in LA.
If you spend $50 each week on a single date, that’s $200 a month (and that’s a cheap date!) God knows how much single guys spend! We may not pay for as many dates, but time spent getting ready alone is at least two hours per date. Not to mention makeup, nails, blowouts, perfume, outfits, etc. Take note: If you took three months off from dating, that’s easily a round trip ticket to Hawaii, a road trip across the country, hell a weekend in Paris. That seems like a great place to fly off to when you’re back in the game & ready to spark some new romance. I’d be willing to learn the language for my own personal Picasso (probably a bad example).
People want what they can’t have.
This one I didn’t see coming, but it happened. The minute I stopped looking for a man, it practically rained peen from the sky. I’m hardly joking, only because it never rains in LA. I may have announced my dating detox, but I don’t even think you’d have to. As soon as I stopped giving guys any hope that they had a shot, they all wanted one twice as bad. So when you’re ready to come back, you may get your pick of a very big litter.
I’ve never had more quality men chasing after me in my life, and I was doing absolutely nothing different, other than seeming completely uninterested. My replies got shorter and blunter. I straight up started telling men, “I’m really not interested in spending time with anyone but myself right now.”
It’s true: People want what they can’t have. And the more independent you are, the more attractive you are to the opposite sex. That goes both ways (that’s what she said). When a man seems like he’s completely confident and happy with himself, it’s a huge turn on. When we see that you are single, not because you want to sleep around, but because you truly want someone who’s worth adding to your already amazing life, it makes you ten times hotter. And if we can win you over, we must be really special.
I didn’t expect this to happen, but I learned how much power there is in being truly happy with no one. It makes everyone want to be a part of your energy, and it adds a bit of mystery to you.
But I promise you this: When it’s time to retox, you guys better be ready.
Boyfriend couldn't live up to girlfriend’s married ex – Detroit Free Press
Dear Carolyn: What is it about single women and “dating” married men? I just broke up with my girlfriend of two years because I could not live up to her past married “boyfriend.” I was not as funny, charming or fun as he was. Funny thing, they never did anything except have secret meetings at her apartment when he was available. What was the attraction?
– Anonymous
What is it about angry men and blaming women for one woman’s behavior?
I said that for effect but, seriously. Stop.
It does sound as if your ex made several bad choices: being a married person’s side piece; dating you while still hung up on someone else; failing to connect the dots between secret trysts and unrealistic romantic expectations … so, yeah, you put two years on a bad bet. That alone is a painful thing to behold as you reflect on recent events, and you’ll need some time to recover.
Read more:
Now please let that be enough: It didn’t work, period. Not because she dated a married guy but because you and she didn’t fit.
And it hurts, period. Don’t use your spillover pain as license to throw judgments and stereotypes around or point fingers or try to draw any grander conclusions.
Even with the justified anger, go easy – we’re all flawed. She is, obviously; her lover was presumably more so. Though arguably on the victim end of this transaction, you have your moments, too. You chose her, after all, and missed a bunch of signs, and are now pointing those aforesaid fingers.
So, focus. You gave two years to someone who wasn’t as invested in you as you were in her. That’s the business end of this breakup, and that’s what you learn from now: When was the lopsided-investment problem apparent? What did you miss or choose to ignore?
That’s also the wisdom you carry with you now as you start meeting new people again: knowing the signs so you’ll be wiser sooner if you’re ever on this path again.
Dear Carolyn: Is it acceptable to go to a large, formal, annual event when you strongly dislike the host? Host is a gossip and toxic person, and most of the guests have the same dislike. Is it disingenuous to attend or no? It feels weird.
– Party Pooper
It should feel weird to accept the hospitality of someone you loathe because, yes, it is disingenuous.
Unless you have a family connection or a professional obligation, that is. In those cases your attendance would reasonably be part of a commitment to something bigger than yourself and your own amusement.
But if this is strictly social, then it’s hard to see how you all aren’t openly using this person – so send regrets. If you’re ostracized for it, your integrity can keep you warm.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2019/01/04/dating-relationships-advice/2473351002/
How to Find a Relationship in 2019 – AskMen
Six Pro Tips for (Finally) Finding a Relationship This Year
A new year is an exciting opportunity — a clean slate, a fresh start, a blank page. Sure, it’s just the same life you’d been leading before with a different number on the calendar, but the starting over that it suggests is symbolic: You can take it as an opportunity to approach things with a new mindset.
Many people tackle a new year looking to achieve concrete goals that’ll make them happier — losing weight, drinking or smoking less, going new places, completing personal projects. And those are all well and good, but they’re things that are more or less within a person’s control. That’s why you tend not to see many people resolving to, say, get in a relationship in 2019.
RELATED: New Relationship Don’ts You Should Know About
Since starting a romance involves the (enthusiastically!) consenting participation of another person, it’s not wholly under your control. But it’s also worth considering the many ways in which getting into a relationship is under your control. That is to say, there are things you can do that will affect how easy it is for you to find a romantic partner. If you’ve been struggling with that lately, well, read on. With the right attitude, 2019 could be your year.
1. Work on Yourself
This could mean taking your physical fitness more seriously, working on your wardrobe and grooming routine, cultivating your talents and interests, or (stay with me here) going to therapy. Whatever it is that you do, if you’re working on making yourself the best version of yourself, you’ll build confidence and people will start to notice you more and think of you differently.
It’s true that not everyone has charm, money, good looks, or the other stereotypical qualities many men think they need in order to find someone, but it’s also true that if you’re feeling unlovable, unattractive or simply undateable, it’s important to remember that the you you are now isn’t a permanent state and that everyone’s tastes are different.
Whatever angle you choose to work on (and you can choose several), there’s not much that’s more attractive than a guy with the humility to recognize his faults and the ambition to improve himself.
2. Think About How You Approach Women
If you’re not interested in dating women, you can probably skip this section, but for the many guys out there who are, this is crucial info: A lot of women find men who don’t respect them to be a huge turnoff.
If you put in some work to check — and maybe change — your perception of women and treat them as fellow humans who deserve equal rights and to be taken seriously, you’d be surprised at how much easier it’ll be to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. Try talking to women you know or are close to about their experiences with sexism and misogynistic men. Try reading books or online advice about how to be a better feminist, and put into practice what you learn. You’ll be grateful — and so will the women you go on dates with.
3. Sign Up for a Dating Site or App
This might be a gimme, but seriously, if you’re not signed up for an online dating site or app of any kind, you’re doing your chances of finding a relationship an immense disservice.
Over the past decade or two, online dating has skyrocketed in terms of popularity, and these days you’re much more likely to find a date through digital means than by, say, asking the cutie you ran into at the grocery store out for dinner.
If you’re genuinely looking for a relationship in 2019, sign up for at least one online dating option. If you’re wary of hookup-oriented apps such as Tinder or Grindr, there are a lot of sites tailored for basically every interest, demographic category, and niche subculture out there.
4. Put Yourself Out There
If you’re shy when it comes to dating, set a goal and do your darnedest to hit it. Whether it’s swiping right on more people, messaging more people, or asking people out more, you should be shooting to reach out more.
RELATED: Top 10 First-Date Ideas Single Guys Should Memorize
Opportunities to be in relationships stem from making connections, and if you’re not doing the basic stuff like saying, “Hey, let’s go see a movie” or “Want to grab drinks?” you might never end up at a point where you have the “Let’s be exclusive” conversation.
5. Be Honest About Your Feelings
Maybe the thing holding you back from success is that you haven’t tried. This is a long shot, but if you have a crush who you’re too scared to ask out, it might be time to give it a try and be honest about your feelings.
It’s easy to find yourself trapped in a cycle of “Now’s not the right time to bring it up,” but the truth is that if you really want to make something happen with someone, it’s better to shoot your shot.
RELATED: The Secret Benefits of the Friend Zone Most Guys Don’t Know About
Make 2019 the year you find out if your crush likes you back. It’s a win/win — either they do (win) or they don’t, but you’re no longer trapped in a state of emotional suspended animation (also win) and you can start to move on and find someone new.
6. Don’t Fear Failure
At its core, struggling to find a relationship often involves the fear of failure. If you skipped through all the above advice (no judgment), take this to heart: Try your best not to let fear of failure prevent you from seeking happiness.
A lot of people are content to go through life without pursuing their dreams because they fear trying and failing more than never trying at all. If your goal in life is to never share any beautiful moments of love and passion, then that’s fine! You do you.
But if you’re pretending you’re OK with being alone because it’s easier than trying to find someone and getting shot down, you’re doing yourself an immense disservice. Whatever it takes, remember and repeat to yourself: “2019 is the year I try to find a relationship.” Sure, you might fail. You might find yourself reading an article just like this one a year from now. But it won’t be for lack of trying.
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This Is The Best Day In 2019 To Swipe On Tinder, According To Stats From The App – Elite Daily
I’ve never been a fan of wasting time. And I mean that with respect to all aspects of my life. Even when I was single, my biggest issue with dating apps was wasting my time swiping on dudes who barely ever even checked the apps. Well, I’m in a relationship now, so the whole swiping thing is out of the question these days but, boy oh boy, would I have saved some time if I only knew the best day to log on. You see, the best day in 2019 to swipe on Tinder was just released by the people over at their headquarters so now you can digitally date more efficiently than ever!
The big day, otherwise known as Dating Sunday, actually falls on this coming Sunday, Jan. 6. And set a recurring reminder on your calendars, my friends, because this isn’t just a 2019 thing. No, actually the people over at Tinder found that the first Sunday of the year is annually when people start swiping on Tinder more than ever.
Bustle on YouTube
If you’re more of a numbers person, allow me to back this whole thing up with some cold hard stats for you: Back in 2018, Dating Sunday fell on Jan. 7. On that very day, Tinder found a 26 percent increase in matches made globally. That’s over a quarter! So, yeah, no matter where you are across the planet, if you’re feeling like you’re not quite getting enough matches whenever you use Tinder, Dating Sunday could be the answer to your problems.
In fact, no matter what your problems are with dating apps, logging on during Dating Sunday could be a solution. For example, if you feel like you haven’t really been seeing people you’re interested on Tinder or if it’s the same people over and over again, take this little factoid into account: The amount of people downloading the app grew by almost half last year. In other words, you’ve got a ton of new potential matches to choose from.
Bustle on YouTube
Finally, if your issue with the apps isn’t necessarily a lack of matches or good potential matches but, instead, a lack of real conversations, Dating Sunday is a great day for you as well! In fact, there was a 27 percent global increase of conversations started on the app back in 2018.
So… yeah, I think it’s safe to say that you should be pretty gung-ho about Dating Sunday. It’s the one day of the year during which it’s literally mathematically proven that your chances for finding love are higher than ever.
Oh, and, if you’re feeling like your game is a little rusty, don’t fret! Tinder created a list of Dos and Don’ts for your profile based on real stats they gathered.
Tinder on YouTube
Now, of course, I’m going to have to advise you to take their advice with a grain of salt. Sure, a lot of them are backed up by statistics, but — at the end of the day — you want to find a match who’s interested in the real you. Not the you who was falsely created just to make sure more people swipe right on your profile.
