Relationships Talk

Here’s a funny way to start the year: read comedian and debut author Blythe Roberson’s How to Date Men When You Hate Men, out next Tuesday from Flatiron Books. You may know Roberson from “KILL ME NOW,”  her web series about two millennial roommates, or from her many satirical pieces published in The New Yorker. Her new book is a natural extension of her comic work — not only hilarious but also surprisingly thought-provoking and invitingly introspective. Tapping into the feminist ambivalence and righteous anger of our age, Roberson parses the conflicting emotions of being attracted to the very people who oppress her. Her witty, engaging essays draw on her personal life as an outspoken woman, a good date, and an unabashedly big fan of One Direction. Vulture spoke with her recently about her new book.

Hi Blythe! How are you feeling about the book?
My main feeling is that everyone at work keeps apologizing for not having read my book yet, and I have to keep on saying that it’s not out yet so it’s fine.

Well, I’ve read it! You begin by describing it as “a comedy philosophy book about what dating and loving is like now, in an era that we thought was the end of patriarchy (but we now know is at least five hundred years away from that) and at the beginning of an age where robots do all our dating for us.” So we’ll start with an easy question: How do we dismantle the patriarchy?
[Laughs] Oh my God. I mean, much smarter people than I have written much longer books on this issue. I think a good starting point is addressing the wage gap, which disproportionately affects women of color. So, like, raising the minimum wage. Providing universal childcare. Abortion on demand. Although, I am one of those who thinks there can be no true feminism under capitalism. Is this good book marketing strategy?

Yeah I’m sold. You worry in the book about the stereotype of women writing only about “dating and their anxiety disorders.” Did you get over that fear? Do you feel newly empowered?
After thinking really hard about dating and romance for nine months, I did come out on the other end feeling like it isn’t a frivolous thing to write about at all. I don’t know if I would say I feel “empowered,” because that’s become something I feel like we’re supposed to think comes from, like, getting laser facials or some shit. But writing this book made me really aware of how dating is informed by how women are socialized, how society expects women and men to act, how capitalism is served by women fixating on finding a partner. I feel like I haven’t misused my time or let myself down. I’ve had women telling me that the book was really personally meaningful for them. I’m never going to be president and legally force all men to give all women they know $20,000, so writing this book feels like, hopefully, a worthwhile thing I can do for the world.

Did the book clarify anything about dating for you personally?
Oh, everything! One of the pleasures of writing it was figuring out my views — nebulous concepts or patterns I had observed, but never thought about until forced to sit alone, staring at my computer, crying while trying to get my thoughts in a straight line. I’ve now become a horrible nightmare person who is constantly having conversations where I’m like, “Oh! I … actually … wrote about this in my book.”

I know this isn’t a self-help guide, but is there any handy advice for the dating reader?
Hmm … being mean isn’t flirting. Be honest and communicative with your partners. Try to find joy in dating if possible.

I hate when people are mean when they flirt! I can’t be horny when my feelings are hurt!
Obviously I didn’t invent any of this and in fact barely ever practice it. Honestly the moral of my book is that I should be in therapy, and that is probably the best dating advice any of us could ever get.

Speaking of which, can you give us a peek into your own dating life? 
Recently I did acid and was like “I need to put into the universe two things: I want to know more about volcanoes and I should be dating Nick Kroll.”

Do you think your dating life will change after this book gets published? One person in my life read my book and, noticing that I had a joke about wishing men would break up with me if they have giant gross beards, trimmed his beard. While I wasn’t at all intending to roast him with that joke, it was very appreciated! So that’s already change enough.

Was there anything you wanted to include that you sadly had to delete?
There were some things I said about Woody Allen that we had to take out for legal reasons.

Do all the men you mention in the book know about it, or are they in for a surprise?
I don’t mention any men by name and I’m pretty vague on identifying details. So, most men know and the others, I assume, will either not read it or not realize I’m talking about them.

The man mentioned most often and by name is the young love your life, Timothée Chalamet. What would be your dream meet cute?
When we are casting the role of Timothée Chalamet in the How to Date Men When You Hate Men TV show. Although in that scenario it would not be cool to hit on him! I will keep our relationship very professional. Wishing all the best to Timo and Lily-Rose Depp, love is beautiful!

Who’s your target audience for the book?
It is my understanding that only women read books, because men, presumably, are illiterate. But I hope anybody and everybody reads this book.

What if you had to pick one specific person?
Emma Thompson, who is my idol and everything I want to be in this life: a brilliant, funny, generous, middle-aged British woman.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Off the market! Nikki Bella is moving on after ending her engagement and six-year relationship with John Cena in April 2018. Bella is dating her former Dancing With the Stars partner Artem Chigvintsev, multiple sources exclusively reveal to Us Weekly.

Nikki Bella and Artem Chigvintsev attend “Dancing with the Stars” season 25 at CBS Televison City on September 18, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. David Livingston/Getty Images

The professional wrestler, 35, and the ballroom dancer, 36, have been seeing each other “for a while,” the insider tells Us.

Bella appeared on the dance competition’s 25th season in 2017 and Cena, 41, also became close with Chigvintsev at the time. In fact, the Trainwreck actor once thought that the ABC star would choreograph his first dance with Bella.

“As far as dancing, I think he’s probably gonna teach me my first dance,” Cena told E! News in November 2017. “So hopefully I’ll be able to take those tips from him there.”

Nikki Bella and Artem Chigvintsev

Bella supported Chigvintsev during Dancing With the Stars: Juniors tapings during the summer of 2018 and the pair have been spending a lot of time together since amid their busy schedules. The Russia native is currently on a national Dancing With the Stars: Live tour, but he was spotted with Bella at the farmer’s market in Studio City, California, over Christmas weekend during time off.

The new couple will also document their relationship on the upcoming fourth season of Total Bellas and the trailer, which aired on Thursday, January 3, showcases some of their dates. However, fans previously believed that the WWE star would pursue a relationship with The Bachelorette alum Peter Kraus, who she will also go on a date with in the new season.

Bella opened up to Us in December about dating again following her tumultuous split from Cena. “It’s hard being a single girl. Over the holidays, I’m really looking forward to wandering into some bars and being a single girl,” she said at the time.

Cena, for his part, exclusively told Us later that month that he is “grateful” for  everything he’s learned through his breakup from the E! personality, including the “good times and bad times.”

With reporting by Brody Brown.

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Many families have unique dynamics, but one U.S. mother has a story unlike most.In 2005, Jessica Share used an anonymous sperm donor to conceive a child with her then-wife. After the birth of their daughter Alice, the couple used the same sperm donor for their second child, born 18 months after their first.WATCH BELOW: Why a 27-year-old Canadian woman chose to be single and pregnant

“You don’t lose your girl, you just lose your turn.” That phrase has been said about many small towns and states, and often it is said here. It may not be the best description of how things work, but it is true that relationships in Alaska are different. Not just in reference to dating and sex; all interpersonal associations are affected by our geographic location. Perhaps it is because during the winters we spend so much more time inside, or because everyone in Alaska is connected somehow, and perhaps it is because no matter your conflict, you are guaranteed to run into people again.

We are a group of individuals with varying degrees of expertise when it comes to the complicated issues surrounding person-to-person contact. Some have studied and obtained degrees, some teach weekly classes on these subjects, and some of us have just dated a lot, or come from very large families. Each week, this column will seek to answer questions that have been presented to us in the best manner we know how. Let’s see what people want to know this week.

I met someone on a local private kink Facebook page and I was told that she was in an open relationship. We started talking and hanging out, and we were sleeping together for a little over a month. She then told me that she had broken up with her partner, and things started to get heavier. Today I received a friend request and Facebook message from a guy that saying that the girl is his partner of two years, and that they have a completely monogamous relationship. I feel like I have been helping her cheat on him, and now I am distrustful of the kink and polyamorous culture here in Alaska.

-Jaded

Thanks for writing in, Jaded. Even without having more insight into your question, there is a lot to go through. There is a common thread that your entire question boils down to though; personal responsibility. First, you seem like you are wanting to hold the entire kink and polyamorous culture in Alaska responsible for the actions of one person. Please don’t do that. Kink and poly communities around the world do not abide by cheating. It violates so many of the values and ethics that those groups subscribe to.

Next is her responsibility. Going just off what you asked, it sounds like someone is being lied to. If in fact, she was in a monogamous relationship the entire time, she is the one responsible for cheating. She lied to you about her relationship being open, and she lied about her relationship ending. Now, there is always the possibility that she isn’t in a relationship with this other guy, or that he sees whatever relationship they have as being more than it is. These are all possibilities, but we do not have this information based off the question as you asked it. We hope that when this other guy messaged, that you both took the time to have a conversation like adults, about the person who was doing the cheating, and compare notes, since you both got played against each other.

Now we come to the third part, your responsibility. Ethical non-monogamy is the umbrella term that polyamory, open relationships, fuck buddies, and all these other types of dating, that are not one on one, fall into. It is the ethical part that is important. If someone is practicing ethical non-monogamy correctly, that means that all partners are aware of boundaries. If you meet someone who is in an open relationship, you should be able to ask them for proof that their partner is aware of what is about to happen. This could look like you meet their primary partner before you go out on a date with them, or it could be a text sent directly to you from said partner, clearly stating the boundaries of the relationship.

The fact that you are upset by the cheating means that your ethics are in the right place. It is your responsibility to take it one step further and request proof of the open relationship to avoid future conflict. When it comes to the very fun world of open play and polyamory, everyone is responsible for due diligence.

How do you have a healthy, successful relationship without losing yourself in the process?

-Independently Committed

So, you didn’t mention what type of relationship, so we are going to assume that you are talking about dating. However, the same advice applies to all types of connections that you make with other humans.

Far too often, people make the mistake of thinking that they are looking for their other half, or the person that is going to complete them. This mistake is an automatic red flag, and usually will end in failure. If you are not already a whole person, you are not ready to start dating. We should not be searching for someone to complete us, but rather someone that will fit into the rich, fun, messy life that we already have in place. If you have parts of yourself missing, there is no relationship that is going to fix you. If the person that you are is defined by the person you are with, and that person goes away, there will be nothing left of you.

The same can be said of the relationships between mothers and children, or best friends, or anything else. If you have a child, and being that humans mother becomes your only identity, you stop growing as a person, you stop having other relationships, and when that child grows up and sets out on a life of its own, you will be lost. If your likes, dislikes, and choices are dictated solely based on what your friends will think, you are a puppet.

Become a whole person first, and then worry about everyone else in your world. Find the person that compliments your life, not the person that completes it. The reality is, relationships end. Make sure that there is enough of you to keep going when they do.

If you have a question for the us, send an email and we will answer it the best way this committee of whole humans know how to. lastfrontierdating@outlook.com