Relationships Talk

Sagittarius

Birthday: November 22-December 21

Type: Mutable fire sign

Key words: Carefree, optimistic, blunt, active, adventurous

Love anthem: “Run Away With Me” – Carly Rae Jepsen

Famous Scorpio men: Brad Pitt, Jay-Z, Jake Gyllenhaal, Charlie Puth, Trey Songz, Jon Stewart

Best matches:

When it comes to this sign, another Sagittarius is the best choice in partner! You’re both unapologetically upfront and can dish out the tea as well as you can take it from others, so arguments are quick and then forgotten about. Another great match for Sagittarius is Aquarius. Both of you have unique perspectives on the world that are completely your own, which you both love to have friendly debates over.

Love is always an adventure when it comes to Sagittarius men. This feisty fire sign is classified as mutable, meaning he’s creative, expressive, adventurous, resourceful, and always on the go. His sign is ruled by Jupiter, planet of abundance and expansion, and he wants to be completely unrestricted so he can honor his ruling planet’s themes of growth and broaden his horizons. He does this by traveling and engaging with a ton of different people. This upbeat guy is a present-day Indiana Jones—educated, a bit of a troublemaker, and totally irresistible, if you’re down for the ride.

The Sagittarius man is optimistic above all else. He sees every moment as an opportunity to learn something new, or to help someone, or to improve at a skill. Every goal he makes is lofty and ambitious, and every obstacle he faces is just a chance to improve. His constantly-hopeful mindset is something to be admired, and he views you through that same idealistic lens, too. He sees the best in people very easily, and he only seriously connects with those he thinks have potential. In a lot of ways, he’s like a coach. He’ll push your buttons sometimes, but at the end of the day, he wants nothing more than for you to be the best version of yourself.

Just like the Sagittarius constellation—the Centaur—he’s always on the move! He’ll motivate you to work out with him and prefers long walks together over sitting at a bar. He hates to be bored, and in the rare times when you two have no plans, he immediately has an idea for an outing or adventure. It’s hardly ever something as simple as catching a movie or getting dinner at a nice restaurant—he wants to go on a hike, or a couples art class–anything that’s mentally stimulating and provides an opportunity to try something new.

With a Sagittarius guy, what you see is what you get. He’s no good at keeping secrets—as soon as something pops into his mind, it immediately comes out of his mouth. Is he tactless? Sure, at times. But you know that with this guy, you’ll only get the real truth tea. It’s an interesting way he honors his ruling planet. Jupiter is all about unrestricted growth and expansion, and his straightforwardness is a result of him wanting the relationship to evolve. Other signs might be more passive aggressive, but you can rest assured that if you’re with a Sagittarius, he will mince no words!

However, his words can hurt, especially if he makes you feel clingy just for having basic relationship needs. After all, his sign gets a reputation for being unable to commit—he takes a great amount of convincing before he even starts to entertain the idea of settling down. He might view you as his ball and chain if he thinks you’re restricting him in any way. He wants nothing more than the freedom to explore and experience everything life has to offer (in return, he grants you that same autonomy). But he also needs to be continually fascinated by you. If you can’t keep him intrigued and keep up with his fast-paced movement through life, good luck!

Being ruled by Jupiter, planet of expansion, this sign is exaggerative by nature in everything he does. One tiny misstep on your end turns into an argument, and his natural loudness really shines when he’s in a disagreement with someone! He identifies very strongly with his beliefs and opinions, to the point of where a simple argument feels like a personal attack on him. Best strategy to deal with this craziness? Shrug it off. Don’t bother over little tiffs, just roll your eyes and move on. He won’t remember them in five minutes, and neither should you. His sign gets heated the quickest, but he’s also the sign that’s fastest to forgive and forget.

Again, the simplest way to make it all work with him is to give him some breathing room. He’s a fire sign, so he’s terrified of his natural spark being smothered. If you’re looking for a nightly Netflix and chill buddy, you might not be a perfect match for a Sagittarius boy. There’s a need for freedom in everything he does, including his schedule, so don’t expect important dates or plans to be set in stone. Appreciate the impromptu lifestyle he lives, where you can enjoy every date as a surprise, and every moment spent together will feel like an adventure.

Follow Jake on Instagram.

Love is in the air for Jennifer Garner and her new boyfriend, John Miller! The two have been reportedly dating for nearly eight months now and seem to be doing super well.

According to a source who spoke to Us Weekly, the actress and businessman are “very much in love” and are “stronger than ever.” Aw! We couldn’t be happier for Jen who recently divorced ex-husband, Ben Affleck, after 13 years together.

Like any couple in their honeymoon stage, Jen and John spend lots of time together. He even sleeps over from time to time because “it’s easier to go there.” Though reports claim he’s already met her three kids, Violet, 13, Seraphina, 9, and Samuel, 6, the 40-year-old would rather not run into them. “Jen doesn’t want them to see him in the morning at breakfast. He will arrive late at night and leave very early the next morning,” the source told the outlet. Considering their relationship is still fairly new, it makes total sense as to why they want to lay low for now.

Getty Images

Earlier this week, the 13 Going on 30 actress was all smiles at the American Ballet Theatre’s Annual Holiday Benefit in Beverly Hills, CA. No wonder! A happy relationship can make a person glow. A source told In Touch that “her relationship with John is like a dream.” How can one not ship these two?!

It looks like Jen may have to thank her besties for some of her relationship’s success though. In November, it was reported that her friends had given her dating advice prior to her first date with John. “They told her, avoid talking about Ben Affleck, don’t spend all night discussing the kids and most importantly, no more mom jeans!” a source revealed to Life & Style magazine. We’re glad those tips paid off because look at these lovebirds now!

Scorpio

Birthday: October 23-November 21

Type: Fixed water sign

Key words: Intense, passionate, emotional, secretive, sexual

Love anthem: “Without Me” – Halsey

Famous Scorpio men: Frank Ocean, Mark Ruffalo, Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Driver, Leonardo DiCaprio, Joe Biden

Best matches:

The absolute best match for a Scorpio is the fellow water sign, Cancer. There’s natural compatibility between signs of the same element, and both signs are huge on trust and intimacy. Virgos are great matches for Scorpio as well. No other sign is as dedicated as a Virgo is to their lover, and when Scorpio recognizes how devoted his Virgo lover is, it creates a super tight bond.

Scorpio is a paradox. His sign is classified as a fixed sign, meaning he’s loyal, dedicated, and stuck in his ways, but he’s also a water sign, meaning he’s emotionally fluid and filled with passion. He’s co-ruled by Pluto, planet of transformation and change, and Mars, the fiery planet of action and energy, resulting in a mysterious figure who’s a hidden volcano of intensity right beneath the surface. His sign is one of the most intimate and he’s an all-or-nothing kind of guy, so if he lets his walls down, you can rest assured he’s completely enthralled by you!

His sign always has a ton happening beneath the surface, no matter how stone cold he appears to be on the outside. No topic is too taboo for him to tackle–he has insane emotional and psychological depth, and is incredibly cunning. Getting to know a Scorpio is an experience in and of itself, but he takes it one step further by intensifying everything you do together. It’s never just a kiss or a hug with him—it’s an embrace. You don’t go on dates with him—they’re adventures that quickly become vivid memories.

He’s also super big on commitment. Because he’s afraid of others judging the wild thoughts that are always flying around in his head, he’s insecure and doesn’t let people in easily. After the first couple of dates he’ll have subjected you to several “tests” and probed you psychologically, whether you know it or not! Once you’re in though, you’re in. He commits to someone if, and only if, he’s absolutely positive he knows the real you and trusts that you’ll accept him for who he really is. Being ruled by Mars, named after the god of war, he’ll protect his loved ones with everything he’s got if he has to. It’s rare to find someone as dedicated, fierce, passionate, and loyal as a Scorpio in love!

He’s a very indulgent sign when it comes to food, drinking, and sex—any kind of pleasure, really. But the physical intimacy of your relationship is nothing compared to the emotional entanglement that occurs between a Scorpio and his lover. He wants your relationship to be strong enough that he becomes a part of you both. Even if things don’t work out in the end, you’ll never forget your Scorpio ex! He loves wholeheartedly, and your relationship promises to be life-changing—he is the sign of transformation, after all.

However, all of his darkness and angst and brooding can get old after a while! Even if you’ve been going steady forever, you’ll still catch him trying to psychoanalyze your words and actions on the DL. All of the questions and anxieties on his end only leads to confusion and creates an actual problem if it goes on for too long! And when you do fight, he can be as self-protective as an actual scorpion, though, luckily, things rarely get to this point. He is a fixed sign, after all, and is very slow to rise to action. He’s loyal and dedicated to you more than anything else, and wouldn’t be with you unless he was positive that you were both 100 percent in it.

The word “plutocrat” refers to someone who is very powerful and very wealthy. Being ruled by Pluto, Scorpio men can easily embody this mindset. His jealousy and need for control is a drag. Luckily, Scorpios are very aware of boundaries, so if you set healthy ones, he’ll respect them. Power and control issues are problems all Scorpios face, but if you enforce your rules, he’ll stay in line.

But to really bond with him, you need to open up to him. He can smell superficiality from a mile away, so if you aren’t keeping it real with him, he won’t be interested in you for long. He’s only interested in getting with someone who honestly wants to get to know him. He has layers on layers on layers, but when he trusts you enough to open up and you reach the core of who he truly is, it’s definitely worth it. For all of the intensity and emotional drama that Scorpios get a bad reputation for, the passion and love they have is tough to beat. He’ll form a relationship with you that neither one of you will ever forget!

Follow Jake on Instagram.

Brandy Jensen, The Outline’s associate editor, has made a lot of mistakes in her life. Has she learned from them and become a wiser person as a result? Hahaha oh gosh no. But it does leave her uniquely qualified to tell you what not to do — because she’s probably done it.

Dear Fuck-Up,

I’m a just-turned 30-year-old guy who has been in therapy for years working out tons of baggage. Most of that baggage affects my ability to have lasting, valuable relationships, which is something I definitely want.

As each week of therapy passes by I uncover more shit that’s really holding me back from being able to have these relationships I long for, but I am doing work, and that work has helped immensely.

What I want to know is: Should I spend more time working through these issues before I go back on Tinder and swipe to my heart’s content? Am I leading people into a trap in which they will be dating a piece of metal that is being reforged ever so slowly and may never be complete? Or am I worrying for nothing. Are we all just bad blacksmithing metaphors and I’m being too hard on myself?

I don’t want to dick anyone over, but I also don’t know if completely cutting myself off from dating is the right move either.

Am I allowed to date?

Sincerely,
Single but not sure I can Mingle

Dear Single,

I get some version of this question — I don’t feel ready for meaningful relationships; I worry that I’m too messed up to commit — fairly often, almost exclusively from men. How interesting! Yours is the most recent and I am lazy but it’s a question I want to address so I’m opting to respond to you and the question of readiness more generally.

Let me begin by saying to you, Single, and the others who have written me, that I know how time-consuming it can be to unpack your emotional baggage and keep up with fantasy football or drive a stick shift or whatever it is men do, so I realize you may have missed out on a few things. Did you know, for instance, that we are probably past the point at which we can save ourselves from ourselves and we will be punished by rising seas and devastating drought? Did you miss the ongoing rise of fascism? Perhaps you were not aware, and this will come as a bit of a shock, that Donald Trump is the president?

In other words, what, precisely, are you waiting for? Do you think conditions are likely to improve?

I’m being glib, of course, and I do sympathize with this feeling of unpreparedness. In some ways, you are hardly to blame. The language of labor has so effectively colonized our ideas about love — emotional labor now frames all care as transactional, dates are understood to be job interviews, etc — that it makes a sort of sense you would seek to do a bit of emotional resume-building before heading back out into the market.

And, truthfully, there are circumstances under which one should not be dating. However, in my experience, those are not typically marked by careful self-reflection. When I first moved to a new city after leaving my marriage I was wildly optimistic about dating again, filled with the sort of deranged assuredness one can only get from drugs or wax wings or being very, very wrong. I met someone for whom I had unreasonably strong feelings and promptly turned into an utter lunatic. When I think back on what I unleashed on that generally well-meaning guy I want to crawl into the earth.

But you don’t mention a discrete event that may be responsible for your hesitation, just the vague idea of “baggage.” If I had to guess, I’d say this allusion to an inability to maintain meaningful relationships means you have hurt people before, and you either feel genuine guilt about it or you are uncomfortable with the experience of being told you caused someone pain. I’m glad you are uncovering some of the root causes behind that but let me suggest one you may not have previously considered: you are a bit of a coward. That’s fine, most people are, and this is a particularly insidious and easy-to-mistake form of cowardice that thinks itself courage.

When you are terribly afraid of being held responsible for the emotional well-being of others, it feels very mature and responsible to decide that you should “work on yourself.” It becomes both a way of retroactively absolving yourself (wow, can you believe all of the ways my issues manifested before I decided to work on them) and a rather elegant little trick to exonerate ongoing bad behavior (dang, those pesky issues again! I guess I must keep working on them). This is especially true for those too-clever-by-half motherfuckers who think that nobly warning someone in advance they “are working on their issues” mitigates any way in which they might disappoint or harm. And even with the best of intentions, it obviates the fact that relationships themselves are a process of being made ready, not something you come to static and fully formed.

Perhaps you do have good intentions. It’s hard for me to say what these issues of yours are, since you do not go into specifics, and perhaps you are making a good-faith effort to work on yourself sans scare quotes. Some of the questions I get in this vein do indicate a sincere and profound yearning to find love, but a conviction that one must be made ready for it through work. I can understand the urge, especially now as things get inexorably worse, to slow down; to pull inward and take stock and focus on ourselves. But I would ask whose interests are typically served by enclosure? By the sort of emotional austerity that says you do not have the resources to devote to others?

Who told us self-sufficiency was a virtue and why did we believe them? Especially when the truth is obvious, or at least has become very obvious to me over the course of this year, as I’ve eked out a meager space for myself writing the preferred advice column of depressed socialists: we need each other desperately, in ways none of us can be ready for.

In truth I doubt I’ve been ready for anything in my life. Especially for things to end, which I have been thinking about a great deal lately. You, Single, are now old enough that more and more things will end, and it’s good to consider what you want your life to look like as that happens.

My grandfather passed away a few months ago. I loved him fiercely and I’m still not able to realize the full breadth of my grief. Mainly I read about other people losing someone they loved and think “my, how terribly sad for them to experience that.” He and my grandmother were married for more than 60 years, which is also something I find difficult to contemplate. She suffers from dementia that has accelerated since his death, and while she has many lucid moments, she is completely incapable of remembering that he’s gone. Rather than break her heart anew, whenever she asks where he is everyone says he’s just gone out to run some errands, or have some lunch with a friend. She finds this answer both plausible and soothing. I think it’s probably a kindness that she doesn’t have to feel alone at the end of things. I don’t want to be alone at the end of things either.

So by all means, Single, and everyone else who asks me some form of this question, continue to work on yourself and figure out how to be better. Go to therapy for you, so that you may feel more at ease in the world. But above all, if you are sincere in your desire to love someone, grow the hell up. You don’t have to be finished or complete unto yourself to be good to people. We are rarely ready for the things we need.

Love,
A Fuck-Up

Have a question for A Fuck-up? Email DearFuckup@theoutline.com

Ask a Fuck-Up

AAFU: I’m ashamed of being so broke

AAFU: My girfriend’s mother wants a store-bought Thanksgiving

AAFU: I’m not as smart as everyone said I was

AAFU: I don’t have any friends

Dear Fuck-Up: Should I apologize to the women I hurt?

Dear Fuck-Up: How do I tell someone I love them?

Dear Fuck-Up: I feel like I’m falling behind my peers

Dear Fuck-Up: My boyfriend can’t manage his “anxiety”

Dear Fuck-Up: How do you kindly break up with someone?

Dear Fuck-Up: How do you live when everything sucks?

Dear Fuck-Up: I can’t stop mentioning my ex

Dear Fuck-Up: I fall in love too fast

Dear Fuck-Up: I behaved poorly and now I feel bad

Dear Fuck-Up: I hate my friend’s loser husband

Dear Fuck-Up: Can people change?