Relationships Talk

Recently, I was on the receiving end of a pretty familiar text message. In it, the man I’d been seeing for just over a month — who had verbally indicated on multiple occasions that he was looking for something long-term, and that I was someone he could see himself with in that capacity — told me that he wasn’t interested in anything serious. “But we should still hang out,” he typed, wink face included.

The subtext to that text? “I just wanna fuck.” And that was a direct contrast to what he’d told me before.

Apparently it’s extremely common that people in a short-term relationship break up like this. I’ve spoken to the men and women in my life about this, and pretty much they’ve all done it. They offer up plenty of justifications for why they wait until someone is comfortable before telling them they’re only interested in hooking up. “If we led with it, they would just stop talking to us,” said one friend. When I explained to him that manipulating a person into agreeing to a kind of relationship you never expect to follow through on is actually a dick move, it was like I’d told him they’d successfully colonized Mars.

“There is a right and a wrong way to tell someone you just want to hook up,” says sexologist Megan Stubbs, followed by the relationship advice that works in pretty much every scenario. “It’s all about open communication.”

What I wish I could have told the man who had just sent me the wink face emoji was that I may have been interested in a more casual relationship with him, had he just been honest about what he wanted. But by lying, and then flipping the script, he’d shown himself to be dishonest. So why would I trust him to respect my feelings in a casual relationship? Why would I want anything to do with him at all?

RELATED: The One Question to Ask Yourself Before Trying to Be Friends With an Ex

Now I know what you’re thinking: how the hell are you supposed to bring up, early in a dating situation, that you aren’t interested in a relationship? According to Stubbs, you’re not, really. “You can’t just walk into a date and say ‘Hey, how are you, I’m only interested in hooking up, is that cool?’” she says. “But there are ways to mention the fact that a serious relationship just isn’t something you’re looking for at the moment.”

But know this: If a person states on her dating profile that she’s looking for a long-term partner, do both of you a favor and swipe left. “You’re wasting one another’s time,” Stubbs says. “You won’t be able to convince her to take her expectations down any more than she will be able to convince you to dial them up.”

If there are specific reasons for your not wanting a relationship, then they will likely come up in normal conversation on the first or second date. “Past relationships, jobs situations, or travel plans are all normal conversations to have on a first date,” Stubbs says. They’re also reasons why people may not want to commit. So if the person across from you asks about your work, you can fully tell them about how crazy your schedule is. “And then it’s easy to say ‘That’s why I’m interested in a more casual relationship at the moment,’ and then see what her response is,” Stubbs says.

RELATED: How to Deal if You’re Dating Someone With a WAY Different Sex Drive

But if, for some reason, the opportunity doesn’t present itself in normal conversation, the right thing to do is nut up and just be straightforward. These conversations should happen when it feels natural, but Stubbs does say that it might be a good idea to get it out in the open before you have sex. “It’s just easier to do it before emotions get too heavy,” she says. Bring it up when you’re away from the bedroom, and don’t assume that she necessarily wants a long-term relationship when you do. A good approach? “I’m not sure what you’re looking for at the moment, but I just wanted to make my expectations clear before things go any further.” If they aren’t interested, then respect their decision. Don’t try to berate them into feeling less than they do. If one of you wants something the other can’t provide, it’s best to end things before they get more muddied.

And if they’re cool with casual? Then make sure you actually keep things casual. “So many of these situations get confused because expectations aren’t aligned,” Stubbs says. If casual means no sleepovers to you, then be clear about that and stick to it. If you only want to see him once a week, stick to that, too. But remember: You are only one person in this two-person relationship. If they have some guidelines that they’d like to abide by, you have to hear and respect those, too.

If one of you starts to catch feelings — because, of course, these things don’t always go to plan — Stubbs says it’s important to be open about that. “Communication is so necessary in a situation like this,” she says. “Things end badly when we think we know what the other person is thinking.”

So no, you aren’t a jerk for just wanting a casual relationship. You are a jerk, however, if you don’t let the people you’re seeing know that. Open communication will get you farther than withholding information ever will. And, for the love of god, never send a wink emoji.

• Tinder released its first-ever “Year in Swipe,” an overview of 2018 trends the dating app gleaned from its users.
• The data revealed that women’s top match preference were people with the tag “engineer,” while men’s top match preference were people with the tag “adventurer.”
• These findings can help Tinder users build more unique dating profiles, Dr. Darcy Sterling, Tinder’s dating and relationship trend expert, told INSIDER.

Since Tinder’s launch in 2012, more than 20 billion matches have been made. So it’s no wonder the company has gained insights into our dating preferences. As a result, Tinder just unveiled its “Year in Swipe,” a look into how people used the dating app throughout 2018.

“The data will help inform what’s working for Tinder users and will also provide insight on how to be unique and stand out from the crowd,” Dr. Darcy Sterling, Tinder’s dating and relationship trend expert told INSIDER.

Women’s top picks were people with the tag “engineer,” while men preferred people with the tag “adventurer”

In 2018, Tinder released its Top Picks feature, which allows premium users the ability to sort potential matches using tags, according to Tech Crunch. For its Year in Swipe, Tinder analyzed the data and found women were most likely to use the tag “engineer” to find potential mates, while men most often sorted using the “adventurer” tag.

Also read: We found love on Tinder, here’s how you can too

The second top tag preference for women was a three-way tie, with the tags “athlete,” “model,” and “lifesaver.” For men, “lifesaver,” “model,” and “doctor” followed after the top “adventurer” tag, respectively.

“Fun” was the most used term in Tinder users’ bios

In addition to analyzing what users were looking for in a match, Tinder also delved into the ways users portrayed themselves in their own dating profiles. They found that the word “fun” appeared most in people’s bios, with the words “travel,” “food,” “drink,” “adventure,” and “sarcasm” trailing closely behind.

According to Sterling, this finding suggests a shift in dating culture.

Also read: Five science-backed tips to double your Tinder matches

“Young millennials are enjoying the adventures in dating and are not settling down just to settle down, but rather, they’re learning about themselves and what they want,” she told INSIDER, adding that the word “fun” portrays that sense of independence and adventure when used in a person’s profile.

The most popular swipe time is 9 p.m. on Monday

When it came to putting their profiles to work, Tinder users were most likely to use the app at 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on Mondays. Sterling said she was not at all surprised by this finding, since “using Tinder takes people away from focusing on what they don’t want and it helps them focus on what they do want.”

August was the top month for Tinder usage, the data also showed.

The 2018 Super Bowl was the event with the highest Tinder activity

In addition to analyzing the most popular time of day for Tinder use, the company also found the yearly events where users were swiping the most. It turns out the Super Bowl was the number one event for Tinder use in 2018, with the music festivals Bonnaroo and Coachella coming in second and third places.

These national and global events allow users to easily find commonalities and talking points, Sterling told INSIDER, so it’s no wonder why these big moments make for increased app usage.

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Also from Business Insider South Africa:

KISSIMMEE, Fla. — Online dating has become the new norm for many single people and many don’t often think about the potential dangers associated with meeting up with someone you’ve never met in person before.

• Officials warns of online dating dangers after man was ambushed
• Victim met up with woman he was talking to online
• Victim was ambushed by 3 people when meeting up with the woman

Bienvenido Hernández is shocked to hear about the incident that occurred at the Stop And Shop on US 192 in Kissimmee.

“It just takes me by surprise,” he said.

It was supposed to be a meet up between a young man and a woman he had been chatting with on a dating website, but it turned into something else. The victim said he was ambushed by three individuals at the Stop And Shop convenience store, pretending to be law enforcement.

Video of incident:

They pulled out a hand gun and told him he was under arrest. The men escorted the victim to his hotel nearby and demanded money from him. What these three suspects didn’t know was the whole thing was caught on tape, through the surveillance cameras of Sevilla Plaza.

This time it happened through the website Plenty of Fish but these kinds of incidents can happen with any website like OkCupid, Match, or even Craigslist.

“Anybody can pretend to be anybody online. You never know who you’re really talking to so please, please be very careful meeting people through dating apps or online services,” said Major Jacob Ruiz with the Osceola County Sheriff’s Office. “If that is something you’re going to take part in, understand the dangers you could be facing. And criminals know that, this is why they use this format to target the next victim.”

On Target Web Solutions is an Orlando based digital marketing agency that helps brands thrive and grow their online presence. Tom Jelneck, the president, shared tips for online daters like try going on group dates first and also have a phone conversation before meeting in person.

“I always advise people to keep their anti virus and software up to date on their machine because believe it or not some of these bots can send a malicious link through that looks really enticing,” Jelneck said. “And you wanna click it and you wanna get to know this person even better but a lot of times that is a phishing attempt to get more data out of you.”

Hernandez who hangs out in this area often hopes the three suspects are caught.

“It could be me or anybody else that I know around here,” he added.

The suspects are facing charges of kidnapping, armed robbery, and impersonation of a law enforcement officer. If you have any info, call Crimeline at 1800-423-TIPS.