Relationships Talk

Los Angeles-based Holly Shaftel, 29, has been dating her boyfriend for four years. Early on in the relationship, the duo rarely spent more than $50 a week on dates. When they decided to go steady, they also decided to do something that’s far more common among married couples.

They decided to budget.

“We weren’t into fancy pants places,” says Shaftel, who works as a science editor at NASA. “We started with $30 to $40 dinners once or twice a month. Then we discovered we were both into physical activities and the great outdoors, so that started to make things cheaper.”

Americans are spending an average of $1,596 a year on their dating lives.

They started racking up free activities like playing tennis in the park, slacklining, hiking or spending a frugal $12 at the batting cages. One rare splurge included a dinner at Red Lobster for around $60.

The first six months into their relationship, Shaftel’s partner lost his job, so she agreed to pay the majority their dates until he found work again. After all, if they were married, she would do the same for him, and he for her if the tables were turned. “He has a full-time job now and pays about half for food and fun, sometimes more, sometimes less,” she says.

Americans are spending an average of $1,596 a year on their dating lives including bar tabs, dating sites, dinner and grooming expenses like getting a manicure or a new outfit, according to the most recent data from dating site Match.com IAC, -1.60% That’s more than the median monthly rent for a two-bedroom apartment.

Don’t miss: The unbelievable persistence of the male-paid date

Dating coaches don’t recommend spending more than $50 on a first date, especially if it’s a blind date and you hardly know the person. “Dating is a long haul. Don’t expect it to go on five dates and then you’re going to be done kissing frogs,” says Chicago-based dating coach Bela Gandhi.

“First dates should be short and sweet — no more than two hours long max,” she says. “Don’t make it epic — a drink and an appetizer is fine. Go for a walk, grab a cup of coffee. Get creative without breaking the bank.”

Many people don’t take that advice. In fact, the cost of the average first date is $75, and the average person spends $56 on dates that follow, according to data MarketWatch obtained from The Meet Group, the company behind mobile dating apps like LOVOO. Men reported that they pay 80% of the time on first dates, though women said that men pay 58% of the time on first dates.

The cost of the average first date is $75, and the rest cost $56 on average.

It’s not uncommon for people to split the tab while dating: 22% of singles said they split the bill on first dates, and half of dating app users, meanwhile, reported that they share the cost of dating on subsequent dates, according to data from The Meet Group.

Others make their first dates a night to remember. When Newport, Rhode Island native Dustyn Ferguson, 21, planned a first date for his now girlfriend of two years he met on a dating app, he made it a culinary destination date.

They started off with appetizers at a local Mexican restaurant, had a main course at an Italian eatery and finished off the evening with ice cream at a local scoop shop before seeing a movie. The total cost of that date: $130. “I was trying to be unique,” Ferguson says. “In this instance, I didn’t budget anything.”

Ferguson, a finance blogger, picked up the tab on the first date, but says he’s not opposed to splitting costs with his partner. They don’t have any hard and fast rules. “It’s go with the flow. Don’t fight it or make a scene,” he says.

Today, he says he spends around $50 to $150 per week on dating. “We still go to restaurants, movies and the occasional trampoline park,” he says. But he now seeks out happy hour and menu specials like “Taco Tuesdays” that don’t break the bank.

Jonathan Robinson thought his text exchanges with an attractive woman he met on a dating app were going so well that he asked her out. He was delighted when she said yes.

But then she asked about his past relationships. After he said he was divorced, she peppered him with questions: When was the breakup? Was he really over his ex? Did he feel emotionally available?

Mr….

Oh hello there, nice of you to stop by and read the feature. Guessing you related to the title? Can’t we all, girl? No really, during the research phase of this piece, I’ve come to find that almost everyone is dating or has dated a “Dubai Guy”.

If you’re new to the party *waves*, grab some tea and a note pad, because we are going to dive deep into the subject.

Ready? Let’s begin…

What is a Dubai Guy?

A Dubai Guy is a dude (notice how I don’t say guy or man – this is partially due to repetition – I’m a pro of sorts; and because men don’t act like boys) who has just moved to Dubai (lived in the city for less than two years) and who has gone from being the nicest person to being the biggest narcissist you’ve ever met. The exact cause of this is not yet known but research suggests that it’s due to the city’s love of glitz and glamour.

Signs That You’re Dating A Dubai Guy:

While every city has its beloved group of men who can’t seem to give you a straight answer, you’ve come to find that most guys here just really can’t give you a concreate response when it comes to what they want.

During our quest to understand why this is, we asked a group of guys (men that have lived here for more than three years), and the best answer we got was as follows, *clears throat*: “Imagine moving to a city that’s home to everything you’ve ever wanted and, more. You have an urge to see as much as possible in as little time as possible, as you don’t know just how long you have in this magical utopia. So, you prioritise yourself.” As harsh as that sounds, it does make sense.

Let’s have a sip of that delicious tea, shall we?

All good? Now, let’s take a deep breath, because my next topic is bound to wind you up, a little. 

Dubai Guy Lingo: What He Really Means and What You Should Do Instead

I’d really like to come but I need to wash my car.”

via GIPHY

What he means: “That sounds pretty boring, but thanks for the invite.”

What you should do: Move on. Sorry, that was a bit harsh. What I meant to say was “girl open your eyes, he isn’t interested.” Either that, or he really, really loves his car, which means that he will probably never love you as much as he loves it.

“I’d really love to come to your very important, probably career-related, event but I have to go to the gym.”

What he means: Just that, actually.

What you should do: This is similar to the car story, only he’s the car in this scenario. So, while he may like you – he likes himself just a tad bit more. Now, before you turn the page or roll your eyes so far back, that you can see your brain, listen up. I’m not saying that every guy who works out is bad or doesn’t value you. What I’m saying is, if you like a guy enough to invite him to a work event, where your fellow colleagues will be there, he’d best appreciate it and at least come for a little bit, even if it’s late. If he doesn’t budge – buy yourself a good book, make some tea and/or, go for a walk. Don’t stress eat and do not cancel any more of your plans to accommodate his. Repeat after me: “I am not a doormat and I matter.”

“I’ll be there after brunch.”

via GIPHY

What he means: “I will be there a bit late, with a few friends that you’ve never met or heard of before, and I’ll be probably be hungry.

What you should do: Ask to meet another day, for breakfast – preferably. The last thing you need is to be upset when you are just as entitled to enjoy your day off as he is.

“Are you free after 10pm?”

What he means: “I really want to see you but I want to go to the gym and wash my car first.”

What you should do: First of all does he even have a job? Is he a doctor? DJ? A late show radio presenter? If he’s none of the above then – what’s he playing at? Does he even sleep?! Some people are just so inconsiderate. Sorry, my inner granny just couldn’t be contained anymore. I’m fine now, she’s listening to Mozart and knitting, *blinks slowly, one eye-lid at a time*. Meeting really late for a walk or ice-cream is fine, every now and then. But every single time? Girl, you’re going to get fired for being so tired all the time and, any man who really cares about you, won’t let that happen. So – find yourself a man that works decent-ish hours, has some form of time management and respects you enough to let you sleep. Mmkaay?

“I’m not free this weekend but I can see you on Sunday.” Repeat every Thursday.

via GIPHY

What he means: “I don’t want to be tied down, I like you but not enough to see when you when I’m actually free.”

What you should do: Dump him, immediately. Any man who’s happy to be there during the week and not when he’s actually free, is not worth your time. You’re basically a free therapist or a fun distraction to help him get through his 9 to 5.

“I really like you but…”

What he means: “I really like you, honestly, but I’m not ready to commit to anything or anyone. Please don’t make this awkward or want more. However, I’m happy to keep hanging out. Just don’t ask for a label.”

What you should do: The infamous “but”, as soon as you hear this – imagine a lanky ginger saying the above to you. That’s me. I feel you girl but you need to accept that some guys just aren’t ready. It has nothing to do with you. So, accept it with grace, and move on. 

I’m aware that this article really isn’t the happiest but I think that sometimes accepting the harsh reality of a situation is better than living in a bubble and ending up hurt every three to six months. So, what I would suggest is that you focus on yourself.

Focus on being the best version of you there is. Someone (my mum) once told me that “true love finds you and if it’s meant to be, it will be.”

Now, that doesn’t mean that you lock yourself up in your house for days or weeks on end – the only guy you’ll meet is the delivery boy – who I’m sure is great but may not be what you’re looking for.

No, what I’m saying is sometimes people tell you exactly what they want and need but you choose to ignore it or, only partially listen. It’s what my sister (who is a trained psychologist) describes as the “exception rule”, where every girl thinks that she can change or help a guy become just who she needs or “make him the best possible version of himself”. The key to breaking this cycle to listen and accept things as they are.

How To Heal

Being “with” someone indecisive in every aspect of the word can be hard and can have a great impact your mental state – been there. So, to help you nurture your soul, I’ve devised a list of activities to help you do just that.

Put the phone down

This will help you reconnect with yourself and really appreciate your surroundings. It will even make you more approachable. And, who doesn’t love a guy with confidence?

Take up boxing

Because punching someone is bad and will probably land you in an orange jumpsuit, it’s best to take out your anger on a bag. The benefits of boxing (increased physical and mental strength) are great, too.

Have some “me” time

If you’ve been through a rough breakup or several breakups, the best way to heal is to start with yourself. Take the time to figure out what you want. You may even find that there were a few things that you did to enable his behaviour.

Right, I’m going to leave you now. But remember that you’re a strong, independent woman who’s capable of anything and everything. I believe in you and have a great feeling that your friends and family do, too.

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3 Signs You’re Ruining The Relationship, Not Him

No more swiping.

By Lisa Holden

Remember the 90s and early 00s before online dating sites and apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge became the best way most people know how to meet men or women?

Personally, I was a child, but I was a child obsessed with romantic comedies where everything seemed absolutely urgent, exciting, and such hard work!

I always pictured my future adulthood spent in absurd situations where my gay best friend pretended to be my fiancé à la Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding, or perhaps I’d have to go to a wedding and face my ex, like Debra Messing in The Wedding Date, or maybe I was so often a bridesmaid that the local paper would do a cover story on my tragedy, like Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses.

RELATED: 8 Hilariously Awful First Date Stories That Will Make You Swear Off Dating Apps Forever

But as it turns out, there’s a lot less urgency in today’s typical dating arena — and in fact, things can start to feel a little like a video game:

Swipe left.
Swipe right.
Left.
Right.
Right.
Hi, how’s your Tuesday going?
Would you like to get a drink on Thursday?
Hey, I had a nice time, but this isn’t a fit for me.
And repeat.

Robots. I think we can all agree we kinda miss the whimsy and excitement of an in-person meet up.

As it turns out, there are myriad options for dating in the 21st century that involve no swiping whatsoever. Don’t believe me? Well, you’re in luck, because like a hero, I spent two weeks turning away from my dating apps (yes, even my beloved Bumble) and pretending I was dating in the 90s.

Things have changed a bit since those days, but one thing remains constant: dating without the apps is higher risk, more fun, and more work!

But how — and where — can you possibly meet men or women without apps these days?

I’ll take you on my dating journey as I recount 6 ways I tried looking for love offline.

1. Meeting someone at a work conference

At the very least, it’s practice dating; at most, you meet someone worth getting on a plane for.

I was on a solo business journey in the Midwest, eating alone, when I noticed a total babe who had that kinda corn-fed look that comes from being raised on football and beef. Without my apps to distract me, I sat there, enjoying my dinner, making myself just available enough to be approached (but hopefully not so available that people felt sad for the 30-something lady dining alone).

That’s a tough balance to strike, people, but a healthy confidence can flip the scales in your direction.

Corn-fed beef over there wasn’t making a move, so I ventured to be a little bolder than usual and ask him a question about the football game on TV.

Easy, because my baseline knowledge of sports is exactly zero.

He bit, and we started chatting immediately. Turns out he was also attending the conference I was speaking at, and he was also single AF. Game. On.

We shared some wine and the kind of fun, intimate conversation that can happen when the likelihood of meeting again is low enough to exchange some secrets.

The conference lasted a couple more days, and every time I saw him in the expo hall, we’d wink or smile, and at the evening networking events, I had a built-in buddy.

On the last day, we parted ways with a fist bump right before I went on stage, and it made me feel like a freaking rock star.

Wherever you are now, corn-fed beef, thanks for the memories.

RELATED: 5 Ways To Find Your Soulmate & Fall In Love (When Dating Apps Aren’t Working)

2. Matchmakers and dating coaches

I’d never worked with a matchmaker before, so I sat down with founder and matchmaker at Agape Match Maria Avgitidis to get the lowdown.

Being on the phone with her for 40 minutes was part interview, part personal dating coach session, and I’m forever grateful for nuggets of wisdom like, “Avoid self-deprecating jokes, the universe listens to stuff like that,” and, “No need to give men more information than necessary. You can leave a date by saying, ‘It’s time for me to go,’ and let them think you’re Cinderella.”

Mind-blowing advice wasn’t the only thing Maria shared.

She explained that matchmakers and dating coaches are great because they either do the swiping and the matching on your behalf or give you lessons on how to get more efficient at it yourself.

Her team at Agape doesn’t consider themselves in competition with the apps, but rather power users.

According to Maria, “Not being on the apps today is like not having an email address.”

So while you might be reading this for ideas to get off the apps entirely, consider the possibility that you could outsource the operation instead of removing it from your life.

If you can’t afford a matchmaker, that’s OK, too.

San Francisco-based dating coach and relationship counselor Lauren Korshak, MA, MFT, says many matchmaking companies will allow you to join their databases for free.

A handful she suggests checking out are OkSasha, Find Love at Last, Skilled Attraction, and others.

3. Enlisting a wingman

If outsourcing to strangers isn’t your thing, consider letting someone you know and trust take over your dating apps.

I saw a guy on Bumble recently whose description said, “This is sometimes Brad, but it’s mostly his sister-in-law.”

Such a great disclaimer, because if Brad’s sister-in-law accidentally swipes right on Brad’s coworker, his friend’s ex, or someone he ghosted, it’s clearly an innocent mistake.

Like most things, there’s an app for this, very appropriately named Wingman.

Available on iOS and Android, the platform allows you to designate up to four wingmen who can suggest introductions, and if it’s a match, you take over the conversation privately from there.

I spoke with the company’s CEO and founder, Tina Wilson, who explained, “Many people have fatigue around dating apps, so tap into your friends and family, who are great resources to help you meet the right person.”

I wish I’d known about this app when I let my mom give my dating life a whirl.

RELATED: What Happened When I Went On 20 Dates In One Night

4. Speed Dating

You gotta try it. Not necessarily because it’s where all the soulmates are hiding, but it’s equal parts effective and absurd.

In other words, it’s great for going on a handful of mini dates in one night so you get a crash course in the art of dating small talk.

Just make sure you’re well rested, fed, and hydrated, because it’s a very long night.

I spoke with Australia-based Brett Couston, who co-founded modernized speed-dating company CitySwoon with his wife, Louise O’Connor. The pair created the company to bring speed dating into the 21st century and were kind enough to let me attend a few events.

They work like this:

• Sign up for a CitySwoon event, and receive the time and location over email.
• Arrive at a seemingly normal bar with normal attendees on what feels like a normal night.
• Check in via your phone upon arrival, and wait for the event to begin.
• You’ll know it’s begun when your phone pings you with the first name and a single headshot of your first match, who is also in said bar, and it’s your job to find one another.
• Once you make contact, sit and enjoy each other’s company for 10 or so minutes until your phone pings you both for your next match to begin.
• Repeat for 90 minutes.

The biggest con of speed dating is the events usually start a bit late.

There’s no minute longer than a waiting-for-your-date-to-start minute. Not a microwave minute, not a treadmill minute, nothing.

So 15 of those is torture, but I’m here to tell you this is equal parts thrilling and exhausting, and we should all try it at least once.

If you think you’re bad at dating, this is the crash course you need to work out those conversation starters and become a pro. And if you think you’re good at dating, this is a new challenge that will shake it up and keep it interesting. Plus, afterward, I treat myself to ice cream.

5. Karaoke

Here’s why it works. There are exactly two kinds of people who like karaoke: attention seekers and attention givers.

If you’re a seeker (me) and you’re not on stage, you’re bored as hell.

You’re only there to get the mic and let the world watch you shine, so anyone who gives you attention when it’s not your turn is going to really stand out.

I was recently at my favorite karaoke dive with my fellow attention-seeker friend Chelsea, and we were bringing the house down with Salt-N-Pepa’s “Shoop.”

I remembered the name of the cute guy who’d sung before us, and at each chorus, I started razzing him to sing along, shouting his name and insisting he knew the words.

He loved it, his friend group loved it, and guess what?

After the song, he bought me a beer and got my number, and last weekend, we went to the movies.

That’s right — a date from meeting in real life. It. Can. Happen!

6. A Healthy Backslide

Don’t diminish that metaphorical little black book of your past beaus gone wrong.

OK, you’ve said it’s never gonna work, but really ask yourself why.

You might have noticed there’s always a little something that keeps you coming back — but maybe there’s a little something that keeps you from taking this seriously.

Examine that thing instead. If it’s not a dealbreaker, consider restructuring your mindset to give it a real shot.

If you’ve overlooked a quality person because you were going through a “me” phase, the worst that can happen from you pinging this past romance is they will feel flattered but decline.

The best that could happen is you kick back into gear with someone you’re now emotionally ready for.

Now, as you imagine a world without the instant gratification of a match, consider picking your head up and looking around for a moment to take a risk and pretend you’re in a ’90s rom-com.

Surprisingly, you might end up having more fun doing more work. Good luck out there!

RELATED: How To Meet Men Without Dating Apps & Finally Fall In Love With Your Soulmate

Lisa Holden is a PopSugar writer who covers love, relationships, and dating. She’s been on more than 100 first dates, and likes to share her experiences with other single ladies. Follow her on Twitter for more dating and love content.

This article was originally published at PopSugar. Reprinted with permission from the author.