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Want To Be The Best Dad Ever? Follow These Three Core Principles

Let’s get one thing out of the way with: Being a father is not easy.

If it were, you probably wouldn’t be reading this article — you’d be out playing with your kids, skipping through fields of sunlit grass together, free as birds, without a care.

But you’re not. You’re here — because being a dad is tough, and you, like any sensible father or father-to-be, are a little bit nervous about it.

Maybe you’re scared that you’ll screw your kid up psychologically, or you’ll shake them as a baby, or you won’t be able to afford the right clothes and toys for them and they’ll get made fun of at school, or you’ll be too strict and they’ll come to resent you later in life. Who knows! That’s just a fraction of all the stuff dads have to think about. And let’s not even get into when you have two or more kids.

Because each and every child is unique, and because, say, diaper-changing advice doesn’t really help out dads with 12-year-old kids, this article will aim to shoot for broad-concept fatherhood stuff. So if you’re looking for very granular parenting advice, you’ve come to the wrong place. Think of this like the pillars of being a good dad, instead.

(And remember, however old you or your children are, it’s never too late to start applying these lessons.)

1. Talk To Your Kids

This might seem obvious — and if you’re the father of a child in the “Why?” phase, you might hate this advice — but it’s so, so important to talk to your kids. This is true for a few reasons, and it’s easy to screw it up. No one expects you to pay incredibly close attention to every single word that comes out of your children’s mouths for the entirety of their lives, but you should make talking to them an important aspect of your parenting.

Listen

For starters, this could help save your kid’s life! Rarely will it be so life-and-death, but a toddler babbling about a knife or a teenager mumbling about depression are both situations that could potentially lead to serious outcomes if left unaddressed. A good dad who listens to his kids will be able to hear warning signs — and perhaps even more importantly, if you’ve been making listening to your kids a priority, you’ll be that much more keenly aware when they stop talking, which is often just as bad a sign.

RELATED: The Top 10 Things No One Warns You About About Being A Father

Be Kind

An easy mistake to make is to confuse a child who’s not yet fully articulate with someone you don’t need to invest in, conversationally. Your child might not be able to hold an intellectual discussion — or any kind of discussion — but they can and will sense it if you’re not holding up your end of things. Curt responses, non-responses and angry responses will all register with your kid, and too many of them could turn them off talking to you altogether. Show them you’re invested in what they have to say and they’ll respond to your energy.

Make It Regular

Another way to show them you’re invested, beyond your in-the-moment attention and generosity of attention is to make your conversations with them a regular thing. Children are constantly evolving beings, and being a parent means you get to interact with someone whose mental capacity, interests and personality could have shifted entirely within a few months. Don’t be one of those dads wondering where the time went later on in life: Prioritize talking to your children on a regular basis now so you can get to know them now — before they’ve grown into the next version of themselves.

Ask Them Questions

Once they’ve reached school age and are spending most of their waking lives outside the home, you won’t have as much access to what their day-to-day lives are like. Be curious about their lives. Don’t act like a drill sergeant; some days they won’t have much to recount, but try to create conversational spaces for them to share with you the things they’re learning, the feelings they’re feeling, the places they’re going, the people they’re meeting. And don’t be afraid to match some of what they share with stories of your own. You might not have the same way of looking at the world, but finding commonalities between you and your child can go a long way toward making them feel loved and understood.

Follow Up

One of the best ways to clearly establish that you’re paying attention to someone is to retain what they’ve said and bring it up at a later date. Whether your kid’s telling you about an imaginary friend or a music genre that was just invented last month, do your best to remember what they’re saying. Being able to refer to the things your kids tell you later on will show them in a big way that what they’re saying to you is registering, and that’ll make them feel respected and understood in a way that you simply can’t if you need to ask them about stuff constantly. Pro tip: If you find yourself struggling to retain stuff, it wouldn’t hurt to invest some time into recording some key details that you can check in on later.

2. Show Your Kids That You Care

One of the stereotypes of bad dads is that they make their kids feel unloved, one way or another. There are a ton of different ways to show someone you care about them, and if your child is still pretty young, there might not be a particularly good way of knowing which one(s) will resonate most with them. But you can do your best to cover your bases until they’re old enough to tell you which ones are most important to them.

Use The “L” Word

Tell your children you love them. This might feel weird, and it might not be something you heard from your dad, but make a point to establish this tradition as early on as you can and to keep it up as time goes by — even if (hell, especially if) they reach a point where they respond with, “Ewww, Dad!” or “Yeah, whatever, loser.” Telling your children you love them sincerely and regularly will communicate to them 1) that you care about them in a deeply special way and 2) that you’re not afraid to say it. Lots of people grow up feeling their father’s love for them, but there’s a reason we say “I love you” to the people we care about most — to confirm it. Don’t leave your kids guessing about your feelings.

Spend Time With Them

This is a tricky one, because dads are often the de facto breadwinners, and the fear of being a failure as a provider can easily override the fear of not being there often enough. But you really cannot replace time spent together, and the memories you make with your kids will mean more to you than any money you earn at work. However crazy your schedule is, make quality time with your kids something that you find a way to fit in — and engage in regularly.

Give Them Gifts

Gift-giving is another way to show affection that will be easier for some dads than others, but not all gifts are expensive, and not all gifts are store-bought. It could be as simple as buying a snack for the two of you to share on the way home after you pick your kid up from something, or toy that comes in a box roughly the size of a fridge — or it could be something you made yourself. Whatever form your gifts come in, don’t restrict them to just Christmas and birthdays — give your child a little something here and there, whether planned or spontaneously — and they’ll feel cherished and special.  

RELATED: The Best Toys For Kids (That Dad Will Want To Play With, Too)

Expend Effort On The Relationship

This is something that might get covered by either time spent together or gifts given, but it won’t always, and frankly, it’s worth mentioning on its own. One thing that really communicates caring is effort. If you have a lot of money, buying gifts won’t feel hard; if you have a lot of free time, spending it with your kid won’t feel hard. Effort means putting in work on your kid’s upbringing, and not just doing the easy and fun parts. Be there for your kids when they’re crying. Help them fix their mistakes. Have the awkward conversations with them. Skip out on things you want to do or feel like you have to do sometimes if your kid needs you to be there for them. Get up early to take them to the games, skip out on work early to see them in their school play. Whatever you do, make sure your fatherhood isn’t one where you just coast by and let other people do the heavy lifting.

3. Prepare Them For Life

This is an aspect of fatherhood that gets a lot of airtime in pop culture, and that’s why it’s last in this article. Unfortunately, many dads seem like they skipped right to this while only giving the other stuff a light skim. But a person who’s been raised feeling like they matter and their father really cares about them will probably be a lot better off than a child who’s been rigorously prepared for the harshness of life (and knows how to change a tire) but doesn’t have a foundation of love and support under it all.

RELATED: Every Guy Should Read This Article About Having ‘The Talk’ With Your Kids

Set A Good Example

The infamous “do as I say, not as I do” quote that parents love to use is a cop-out, and everyone knows it. If you’re asking your kids to live by certain rules, they should be rules you yourself can and do live by. Moreover, kids will pick up on how you act and carry yourself in the world. If there are aspects of your life you’re not proud of, now might be a good time to start working on them. Nobody’s perfect, but your kids will think you are until they’re of a certain age. If you’re teaching them to be polite and respectful and honest, show them that those are virtues you live by as well by treating them and the other people in your life right.

Own Your Mistakes

When you fall short of the example you’re trying to set, it’s important that you don’t try to sweep it under the rug. Not only is that a bad example to set, but it tacitly implies that there are two sets of rules in life — a taxing, exacting set for them and a relaxed, informal set for you. That stings, and it’ll cause them to resent you. It might be embarrassing, but when you screw up, own it — like you would if you had to apologize to an adult. If you overreact and scream at them, apologize for it, and explain why you got so angry. They might not be able to communicate how they feel as clearly, but they’ll respect your honesty, and they’ll learn the right approach to handling their own mistakes when they make them.

Tell Them No

This one sort of runs counter to all the lovey-dovey “be nice” advice earlier, but it’s deeply important to set boundaries for your kids. Spend time with them, tell them you love them, care about what they say and do, give them gifts — but set limits, and enforce them. Selfish, egotistical adults are just people who grew out of children who were never made to consider the needs of others. When your kids hurt people, cross boundaries or otherwise screw up, teach them that there are consequences and not to repeat their mistakes. That isn’t to say you should try to hurt or scare them, but work with them to find punishments and lessons that’ll help them consider what they did, why it was wrong, and how not to do it again.

Invest In Their Passions

One of the ways we become the adults we’re growing into is by deciding what we want to focus our attention on. It’s a huge and complicated world out there, and you can’t possibly pursue every hobby, but feeling supported in your interests is a big part of getting good at something. When your kids start getting passionate about things, support them! Even (especially) if they’re not necessarily things you’re good at. Don’t be the dad who’s constantly pushing his kids into something they don’t care about — find out what your kids are good at and support them in that, whether it’s a dumb card game, a niche artistic passion or something you find personally annoying. The kid who’s really good at arguing today could be a future debate champion; the kid whose confidence has been boosted by supportive parenting is all the more likely to succeed at a new passion than one who’s used to hearing “No” or “You’ll look dumb” or “There’s no money in that.”

Be In Their Corner

It’s a difficult world out there, and one of the things that makes parenting scary is sending your kid out into a world that’s hellbent on ridiculing anyone who’s a little bit different. A tried-and-true parenting method for dealing with that is trying to sand down your kid’s quirky edges at home so the rest of the population doesn’t get a chance to. That’s why we get fathers telling their kids to “Man up!” rather than comforting them or discouraging them from trying anything that might get made fun of at school. But rather than doing the bullies’ jobs for them, consider your role as the coach in your kid’s corner. It’s true that it can be scary confronting a world that at times seems full of cruelty and violence, but if your kid comes home crying, remember that the one to blame is the person who hurt them — not you or your kid. If they understand that the teasing or bullying isn’t their fault — and that you have their back no matter what — it’ll be that much easier to weather the storm.

Simone Lewis-Turner felt hopeless.

She had broken up with her ex-boyfriend this year after trying to show him he was being abusive. He wouldn’t hear it. He said he’d expose her if she left. She didn’t understand what he meant and tried to move on.

But after the breakup, Lewis-Turner went to school one day and discovered he had shown people intimate photos and videos of her. She didn’t even know they existed until then. She is 16.

The incident left her feeling “emotionally broken down,” she told USA TODAY NETWORK-Wisconsin, sometimes through tears. 

“It really woke me up,” she said. “I didn’t realize someone you would claim to love would do that to you.”

Lewis-Turner, of Milwaukee, is among the 20 percent of Wisconsin teens who have experienced dating violence, according to End Domestic Abuse Wisconsin. Data from the 2017 Youth Risk Behavior Survey show that 10 percent of students in a relationship reported experiencing sexual dating violence within the year before the survey, meaning they were forced by a partner to engage in sexual activity.

In the same survey, 6.9 percent of students endured physical dating violence, such as being hit or injured by their partner. 

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines teen dating violence as “physical, sexual, psychological, or emotional aggression within a dating relationship, including stalking” that can occur in-person or electronically, between a current or former dating partner.

“Teen dating violence is just as dangerous and as serious as adult dating violence,” said Patti Seger, executive director of End Domestic Abuse Wisconsin. “People often think, oh they’re just teens, what can happen?”

Lewis-Turner’s experience was traumatizing, she said, but support from family and friends helped her persevere. And though she didn’t want this to be part of her story, she refused to let it drain her. She realized she could turn it into something positive and take action.

Now, she’s part of a group of teens across the state propelling a campaign, dubbed Dare2Know, that aims to tackle teen dating violence.

“I never want someone to feel that way,” she said.

DATABASE: Search Wisconsin youth risk behavior survey results

For teens, dating violence can shape future relationships

Experiencing abuse at such a young age can disrupt how teens perceive healthy relationships. Our first relationships tell the brain what they’re supposed to look like and allow us to test the waters, Seger told USA TODAY NETWORK-Wisconsin.

And experts say abuse leads to trauma, which can cause teens to struggle with depression, self-esteem issues and substance abuse.

For some teens, a destructive relationship may seem perfectly normal, said Marianne Radley, an advocacy manager for Reach Counseling in Neenah. Radley said teens might not recognize abusive behavior if they don’t have healthy experiences or positive examples at home.

“They might not know that they don’t deserve to be treated a certain way,” she said.

The problem is even more harrowing for LGBTQ youth, who experience teen dating violence more frequently than their heterosexual peers, according to Kristen Ramirez of Milwaukee-based advocacy group Diverse & Resilient. And it’s hard to narrow down a specific reason why, she said.

But one of the biggest challenges for these teens is finding people who understand their identities. 

“Having access to competent, safe, supportive care in the midst of that can be a challenge for LGBTQ young people,” Ramirez said.

Teen dating violence can set the stage for abusers, too. If there’s not an intervention in perpetrators’ behavior early on, Radley said, they’re likely to continue that behavior into adulthood. 

Seger agrees.

“They learn a lot about what works and doesn’t work in order to have control over their partner,” she said.

‘I thought it would be my fault’

The relationship started with comments that made Emily feel insecure. The 19-year-old man would say she should be more like his ex-girlfriend. But Emily thought he might be different, she said, a better person. She pushed the red flags aside and didn’t tell anyone.

Emily is a pseudonym for a 17-year-old Stevens Point girl who spoke with USA TODAY NETWORK-Wisconsin about her experience. She asked not to be named in this story, and the news organization only identifies victims of sexual violence with their permission.

Emily felt a lot of pressure, she said, but she put up a facade that she was OK. 

“I stayed for that time because I thought that this was the best it’s going to get,” she said, speaking nervously as she shared her story. “I’m not going to find anyone who is going to love me.”

The comments eventually turned into sexual abuse, Emily said, including groping without her consent that made her uncomfortable. No matter how often she told him no, she said, he kept abusing her. Sometimes it happened multiple times a day. She felt dirty. 

“I was so scared to tell anyone because I wasn’t saying no outright, but I kept pushing him away and it didn’t work,” she said. “I thought it would be my fault.”

The two dated for about six months, and Emily eventually had enough. Because of her experience, she said, she’s scared to dive into a new relationship and pushes away anyone who wants to get close. And she still worries she hasn’t seen the last of her ex-boyfriend.

“I still feel guilty in a way that I’m the reason that he could hurt himself, that he could come back and hurt me or persuade me into something I don’t want to do anymore,” she said. “I still live with that kind of fear.” 

RELATED: Milwaukee homicide trial shows teen dating violence dangers

RELATED:Wisconsin student suicide rates drop in summer, rise in school year

How anti-domestic violence advocates are combating the issue

Dare2Know, the campaign that Lewis-Turner joined, was launched by End Domestic Abuse Wisconsin. It aims to create teen ambassadors who know the signs of dating violence and can be a resource for their peers.

“Teens are much more likely to speak to another teen, a friend, about what’s happening to them than they are to speak to an adult,” Seger said.

Cia Siab Vang, an 18-year-old ambassador in Stevens Point, said Dare2Know ambassadors have three primary goals: Teach teens to value their voices, talk to their peers and connect with the community. Vang, who is Hmong, also wants to ensure the campaign is inclusive of all groups’ experiences. 

“Youths are the leaders of today,” she said. 

The issue is on the state Legislature’s radar as well. Rep. Melissa Sargent, D-Madison, authored a bill last year that would have required schools to implement and establish criteria for teen dating violence education. The proposal didn’t make substantial progress, but Sargent said she isn’t letting go.

To her, it’s important to raise awareness of the issue and make sure young people know there are support systems out there.

“We are living in a time where people need to be reminded about kindness and empathy and how to be a good friend,” she said.

Lewis-Turner believes it’s important for teens to be involved in this advocacy and wants adults to come to them for support or advice, instead of just telling them what’s right or wrong. It’s also important not to blame victims, she said.

And one key to curbing dating violence lies in people sharing their stories, Lewis-Turner said.

“Without anyone talking up and valuing their voice, nothing will change,” she said. “The cycle will continue.”

For help and more

► If you need help, contact loveisrespect at 866-331-9474, 866-331-8453 (TTY) or text “loveis” to 22522. Online chat is available at loveisrespect.org.

► You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY). Online chat is available at thehotline.org.

► If you need to reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline, call 800-656-4673 or chat with someone online at rainn.org.

► Visit endabusewi.org/gethelp to find information about local resources across Wisconsin.

► To learn more about Dare2Know, visit dare2knowwi.org or facebook.com/Dare2KnowWI, or follow @dare2knowwi on Instagram. 

Read or Share this story: https://www.greenbaypressgazette.com/story/news/2018/11/27/teen-dating-violence-experiences-leave-wisconsin-teens-broken-down/1812496002/

2018 has certainly been the year for unexpected romances, but Love Island fans were left in shock earlier this week when it was reported that 2018 star Eyal Booker was ‘dating’ the one and only Rita Ora.

According to reports, Eyal apparently struck up a friendship with Vas J Morgan when they were on Celebs Go Dating together earlier this year, who just so happens to be close pals with Rita – even FaceTiming her for advice on the show before embarking on his dates.

© Rita Ora © Rex/Shutterstock

The Sun then reported that the pair were caught ‘snogging’ during a night out and were spotted leaving Notting Hill Arts Club together after Rita’s show. A source told the publication, “Rita and Vas are very close friends. He trusts Eyal and has got to know him on a personal level, and knew he and Rita would get along.

“Vas, Eyal and Rita’s sister Elena were the only people watching her from the side of the stage at the gig, proving he is already part of her inner circle.”

See which celebrity couples we never saw coming:

View Gallery17 photos

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© Rex/Shuttershock

Gabby Allen and Myles Stephenson

After her split from fellow Love Island star Marcel Somervillle, CBB star Gabby Allen announced she is now dating X Factor winner Myles Stephenson.

© Rex/Shuttershock

Gabby Allen and Myles Stephenson

After her split from fellow Love Island star Marcel Somervillle, CBB star Gabby Allen announced she is now dating X Factor winner Myles Stephenson.

© Rex/Shuttershock

Channing Tatum and Jessie J

After splitting from his wife in early 2018, EVERYBODY was left in shock when reports suggested Channing Tatum is dating pop star Jessie J.

© PA Images

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

Prince Harry and actress Meghan Markle have been dating since October 2016. The private couple have so far kept public appearances to a minimum.

Andrew Brady and Caroline Flack

Love Island host Caroline Flack announced she was dating former star of The Apprentice and Celebrity Big Brother contestant Andrew Brady by uploading this picture of the pair kissing to her social media accounts.

At the end of April, the couple announced their engagement but later announced they’d split up in July 2018.

© PA Images

Selena Gomez and The Weeknd

Nobody saw a romance between singers Selena Gomez and The Weeknd coming! But they went strong until October 2017 when the pair reportedly split up.

© Getty Images

Cheryl and Liam Payne

Cheryl and One Direction singer Liam Payne shocked the world when they announced they were dating back in February 2016. Despite a ten year age gap, the couple welcomed their first child, Bear Grey Payne, back in March 2017.

However, in July 2018, Cheryl and Liam released a joint statement revealing they’d split.

© PA Images

Katy Perry and Russell Brand

Katy Perry and Russell Brand married in 2010, much to the surprise of fans. Their marriage was short lived, leading to a divorce in 2012.

© PA Images

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston were 2016’s most talked about romance! Unfortunately, the couple went their separate ways a year later.

© PA Images

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna

Rob Kardashian started dating Blac Chyna in 2016, despite her previously dating Rob’s sister’s ex-boyfriend Tyga. They welcomed a baby girl together called Dream and later ended on very bad terms!

© Getty Images

Vogue Williams and Spencer Matthews

Fans didn’t expect Vogue Williams and Spencer Matthews to become a couple! The pair met when they were filming for Channel 4 show The Jump.

© PA Images

Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher

Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher married in 2010 after a six year engagement. Nobody saw this marriage coming with the crazy movie roles Sacha plays!

© Instagram

Stephanie Pratt and Jonny Mitchell

Love Island star Jonny Mitchell and Made In Chelsea’s Stephanie Pratt left fans in shock when they confirmed their romance with this picture in September. Sadly the couple have now split.

© Getty Images

Benji Madden and Cameron Diaz

Actress Cameron Diaz married Benji Madden just two months after she met him, despite many not seeing their romance coming.

© PA Images

Nicole Richie and Joel madden

After starring in TV show The Simple Life with her best friend Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie turned a lot of heads when she married Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden in 2010!

© PA Images

Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence

After his split from Gwyneth Paltrow, Coldplay singer Chris Martin was spotted getting cosy with The Hunger Games actress Jennifer Lawrence. Despite not actually confirming a romance, the pair reportedly called things off in 2016.

© PA Images

Sam and Aaron Taylor-Johnson

Fans of actor Aaron Johnson were left in shock when he married Fifty Shades Of Grey director Sam Taylor. Despite Sam being 24 years older than Aaron, the pair combined their surnames when they got married in 2012. They now have two daughters together, Wylda and Romy.

© Getty and PA Images

Mary-Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy

Olsen twin Mary-Kate married French banker Olivier Sarkozy in 2015, despite a 17 year age gap between the pair.

BUT NOW, the Love Island and Celebs Go Dating star has broken his silence on the matter, telling OK! Magazine that there is NO romance going on between the pair.

He said, “I went with Vas, who is a very good friend of mine, to her gig and the rest is speculation.”

So that’s that!

Meanwhile, despite most of the celebrities on the last series of Celebs Go Dating failing to find love, the show is returning again!

The line-up, which was released last week, includes Pete Wicks, his ex-girlfriend Megan McKenna, Kerry Katona, Chelsee Healey, Georgia Steel and Made In Chelsea’s Sam Thompson.

NOW WATCH: Another Strictly romance?! + Proof Louis Tomlinson is an ANGEL! heat’s Big Night In with TalkTalk TV

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Who’s better to give you advice on guys than your best friends? Jennifer Garner is new to the dating game after being married to Ben Affleck for 13 years. Prior to her first date with her new boyfriend, Cali Group CEO John Miller, sources exclusively reveal to Life & Style magazine that her friends gave her the rundown on what she should do or not do during their date.

According to an insider, the advice her friends gave her varied from conversation topics to her outfit choices. It looks like her besties have her covered because let’s face it, dating can be scary, especially after so many years.

“They told her, avoid talking about Ben Affleck, don’t spend all night discussing the kids and most importantly, no more mom jeans!” revealed the insider. While abstaining from talking about your ex should be a given, we’re glad her friends clarified. In regards to mom jeans, we’re sure the actress could rock it, but why not play it safe on the first date with a flirter outfit? Jen may not be 30 anymore, but something tells us she’s still ~flirty and thriving.~

“They just want Jen to let loose and get back in touch with her sexy side. Fortunately, John likes the whole Jen package,” added the source. While her friends want what’s best for Jen, it looks like they won’t have to work too hard, considering these two are super into each other.

Jen and her businessman beau have reportedly been dating for about seven months now and according to Radar Online, friends believe this union will be beneficial for Ben and help him to move on from his relationship with Jen. “It’s good for Ben. Friends really think this will give him closure and freedom,” a source told the outlet. Here’s to new beginnings!

For more on this story, pick up the latest issue of Life & Style Weekly, on newsstands now!