Relationships Talk

LAUREN Goodger announced this week that she is launching her own dating app to find love for her fans… and herself.

But the 32-year-old Towie star has a history of being unlucky in love – and her advice over the years when it comes to romance has been slightly unusual.

Lauren Goodger is launching a new dating app to help her fans (and herself) find true love

So, ahead of her app launch, Sun Online is taking a look at all the romantic decisions Lauren has ever made to see if she really does know the path to true love  – but would YOU follow her dating advice?

Handout

Lauren had her Towie co-star and ex-boyfriend Mark Wright’s name tattooed in an intimate area

Get your boyfriend’s name tattooed on your bikini line

Lauren was in a relationship with Mark Wright when the show first hit our screens all the way back in 2010 and in the opening scene, Amy Childs spotted Lauren’s tattoo of Mark’s name on her bikini line during a spray tan.

Getty – Contributor

Lauren had Mark’s name tattooed on her

But while a tattoo is a permanent fixture, it soon became clear Lauren and Mark’s nine-year relationship was anything but that.

Then get it lasered off…

After he flirted his way through the whole Towie crew, their relationship came to an end and in March 2011, Lauren headed to a skin clinic to have Mark’s name removed from her crotch in an effort to erase him from her life.

Rex Features

The first two seasons of The Only Way Is Essex revolved around Lauren and Mark Wright’s relationship

Sell all reminders of your ex

Next up, she decided to sell anything that connected her to him.

First, the reality TV star sold the one-shouldered white frock she wore for her and Mark Wright’s engagement party for £800 on Depop describing it as, “comfortable for all occasions”.

Social Media – Refer to Source

Lauren loves selling mementos of her previous relationships once they are over

Then, when she first split with her jailbird beau Joey Morrison in 2017, Lauren sold their matching his ‘n’ hers Chanel trainers she’d bought him as a 2016 Christmas present, pricing them at £500 on Depop.

If in doubt, throw the sentimental stuff out.

Getty – Contributor

Lauren has been determined to destroy her ex Mark Wright’s new relationship with Michelle Keegan

Don’t let your ex forget you

Lauren’s advice at the end of a relationship is to make sure you’re not forgotten.

Almost a year after it was announced that her ex Mark and his new love Michelle Keegan were set to wed, she posted a message on Instagram that read: “I’m not going to be the girl you marry, but I’ll be the girl you’ll be thinking of 20 years from now while you engage in polite sex with your boring wife who fakes her orgasm to make you feel better about your receding hairline.”

Instagram

Mark and Michelle honeymoon-ed in Dubai

Ouch.

Then in 2017, Lauren told New magazine that she and Mark were dating at the same time as he was dating Michelle – claims which Mark was forced to deny.

Turn up to their honeymoon

And she even went as far as gatecrashing their honeymoon too, posting a shot of her holiday in Dubai, sipping a glass of champagne and sitting in front of a huge lobster dinner, at the same time that Mark was there on his honeymoon with Michelle.

Instagram

Lauren was photographed in Dubai while Mark Wright and his new hubby Michelle Keegan were on their honeymoon

This sparked a Twitter row with Mark telling her to “respect” his new wife and finally “move on” from the couple’s 10 year on/off childhood romance.

Instagram

Lauren likes to brag about how filthy she can be in the bedroom

Brag openly about being dirty in bed

In March 2017 the Towie starlet opened up about her steamy plans for when her jailbird boyfriend Joey Morrison got out of prison.

After revealing she’d been celibate for a year, Lauren told Closer magazine: “Joey’s going to be knackered when we’re finally alone because we’ll be very busy. There’s lots to do. I’ve been properly celibate for a year, but he’s worth the wait.”

Fame Flynet

Lauren Goodger and her jailbird ex Joey Morrison, whose name she has tattooed on her wrist

Don’t give up on love – even if he’s in jail

Dating someone who gets locked up for 16 years for possession of a firearm, kidnap and blackmail would be a big no for most, but not for Lauren.

She continued her relationship with Joey Morrison – who she met over the phone – for 15 months despite having to communicate with him from the opposite side of prison bars.

Their relationship came to an end in July 2017 following a furious row inside HMP Highpoint South.

But that wasn’t the end of it.

Instagram

Lauren’s new dating app might help resurrect her love life

In September 2018, Joey was released after serving nine years of his sentence and Lauren took her former jailbird back – even though there were rumours that he had an account on dating app Bumble – which she claimed was fake.

On Instagram she wrote some very sage relationship advice: “It’s coming to the realization that your relationship is more important [than] your differences. It involves acts of forgiveness and acceptance of one’s mistakes.”

But not long after this Lauren discovered a mistake she couldn’t forgive – Morrison contacting other women from his prison cell – and dumped him once and for all.

She later penned on Instagram: ‘It’s going to be my time now. I’ve learned lessons! I’ve grown! I’ve changed over the years and I promise to never let myself down again!”

The internet often spouts dating advice, whether useful or not, and the latest meme to explode with popularity on Twitter follows this trend in a bizarre way.

The online wisdom comes in the form of a meme letting you know “He’s not your man”, pointing out the warning signs that you might be dating someone dodgy.

From beloved hockey mascot Gritty to Pharaoh Ramses II, follow these memes and never date the wrong person again.

Here are 10 of the best versions on Twitter:

1. Don’t fall for the trap of dating a Pharaoh.

Ladies, if he:

-only responds if u text in emojis

-doesn’t care about your single wife policy

-refuses to wear anything but fine linens

-is a staunch polytheist

-claims victory at Kadesh when it was a tie

He’s not your man. He’s Egypt’s greatest king from Dyn 19, Ramesses II

— Sarah Parcak (@indyfromspace) November 23, 2018

2. Watch out for any rom-com moments…

Ladies, if he:

– is amazing at soccer

– is v cute and considerate and funny

– loves Gouda

– puts tampons in his nose

He’s not your man. She’s The Man starring Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum

— 𝔼𝕝𝕖𝕟𝕚 𝕊𝕒𝕦𝕧𝕒𝕘𝕖𝕒𝕦 (@Electriceleni) November 24, 2018

3. Remember this helpful character?

ladies, if he:

– never texts you back

– always interjects with unsolicited advice

– reads your personal documents

– constantly tries to help you format paragraphs

– is a sentient paper clip

he’s not your man. he’s clippy the microsoft word office assistant

— #1 Rachel (@rachel) November 24, 2018

4. Always check to make sure your date isn’t a raccoon.

Ladies, if he:

– ignores text messages

– doesn’t like your tweets

– eats like trash

– regularly goes out all night

– is usually found in wooded areas in North America

He’s not your man. He’s a raccoon.

— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) November 24, 2018

5. Try not to get too attached to Duolingo.

ladies, if he…

– threatens you with constant messages

– always wondering where you are

– blames you for not making him happy enough

– judges the way you speak

– makes your undying love into a game for him

He’s not your man, he’s Duo, the duolingo owl

— alison (@alisonguzzetti) November 24, 2018

6. Take this as a reminder to return your books!

Ladies, if he:

– is warm and inviting

– is generous

– is active in the community

– expects you to return his stuff frequently and fines you if you don’t

– demands you stay awake at all times

He’s not your man. He’s a public library and you should return your books on time.

— The Hangriest Librarian (@HalpernAlex) November 25, 2018

7. You definitely won’t find this historical figure on Tinder.

Ladies, if he:

– only responds after you double text

– doesn’t care about your snap streak

– refuses to shave

– is a staunch abolitionist

– returns to Ohio after serving only one term

He’s not your man. He’s 19th president Rutherford B Hayes

— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) November 22, 2018

8. Please never date Gritty.

Ladies, if he:

– never responds to your texts

– doesn’t watch your Insta stories

– has long, unkempt hair

– wears a helmet

– is in Antifa

– is orange

He’s not your man. He’s Gritty.

— jordan (@JordanUhl) November 24, 2018

9. Avoid all terrible leftover recipes.

Ladies, if your man:

– doesn’t return your texts

– doesn’t help with dishes

– in fact dirties dishes

– because he’s coated in mashed potatoes

– is deep fried

– spews gravy when poked

He’s not your man. He’s that ill- advised Thanksgiving-leftover recipe that still intrigues me.

— Danielle Kurtzleben (@titonka) November 24, 2018

10. Lastly, this adorable animal sounds like a catch.

Ladies, if he:

– doesn’t introduce you to his parents

– never calls you back

– has four feet

– smells like potato chips

– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

— kim christmas (@KimmyMonte) November 25, 2018

– Press Association