Category Archives: Dating Advice

She doesn't want him back

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Carolyn Hax Published 12:00 a.m. ET Nov. 3, 2018

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: About five years ago, I graduated from college and broke up with my girlfriend, “Penny.” There was nothing wrong between us, in fact things were really good, but we’d been dating since high school and I felt restless and needed to be on my own for a while. The break was everything I’d hoped for, I was able to date around and see what it was like being alone, too.

Penny and I have kept in touch through friends. Now that we’re both single again, I am ready to get back together since I know now she’s the one for me. I was excited when she agreed to meet with me, but when I suggested dating again, she said even though we still have that strong connection between us, she doesn’t think she could trust me not to hurt her again.

I was surprised since I never did anything to hurt her and feel that the time apart did us both a lot of good. Did I actually do anything wrong? I was always honest and open with Penny about my intentions. How can I convince her that I broke up with her for good reasons and to give us a chance?

– Ready

You can’t. I suggest you don’t even try.

Instead, I recommend presenting a universal truth that allows you to agree with her:

“You’re right. You can’t trust me not to hurt you again. I also can’t trust you not to hurt me. And neither of us can count on anyone else to go through life without hurting us, either. To care about someone is to risk getting hurt somehow.

Read more:

Grandma considers evicting daughter, grandkids

Kiss from father’s friend comes up years later

“All I can say to assure you is that I will never take your feelings lightly. I didn’t then and I don’t now and I don’t plan to, ever.

“I won’t pressure you to change your mind. I hope, though, that you’ll think about it and give us a chance to try this again as older and wiser people.”

But, you know – how you’d say it.

You did hurt her.

And yes, this part isn’t universal, but this is one thing you can reasonably offer her, as long as it’s the truth.

Readers felt strongly about this one. A sampling:

You broke up with her! When things were going fine! It could very well have been the right thing for you to do at the time, but that does not mean she was not hurt in the process. – Anon 1

You are making a lot of assumptions about Penny: You never did anything to hurt her; the time apart did you both a lot of good. Your “good reasons” for breaking up with her are no more valid than her reasons for remaining broken up. – Anon 2

Also, maybe she is inarticulately trying to tell you she’s not interested in getting back together and feels she needs an excuse. – Anon 3

You are completely dismissing Penny’s experience of your breakup. She is right not to trust you. – Anon 4

Hard to argue with that. Thanks.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/11/03/dating-relationship-advice/1763974002/

How can you succeed at online dating?

  Dating Advice, Relationships

It’s a minefield out there, the world of modern dating.

Although we’d all love the idea of being spontaneously swept off our feet at a gig, or in the pub, or at the football, the reality is that many Mancs have looked online to find their match.

According to new research, almost half of all single Mancunians feel overwhelmed by the fast-paced, casual nature of modern dating, and 51% have been without a partner for 10 years or more.

The research done by dating website eHarmony, also found that nearly two thirds of single Mancunians feel like they’ll be single forever.

We spoke to Rachael Lloyd, eHarmony’s relationship expert, to see what works with digital dating – and what will have you stuck in a cycle of singledom.

Before you can actually get down to any dating in this digital world, you’ll need to create a profile.

eharmony relationship expert Rachael Lloyd

Rachael advises uploading at least three or four pictures. She said: “Our research has shown that you need to use more than one photo – in fact our users get 10 per cent more interest for every photo they post.”

Choosing that main, lead image is one of the hardest parts of this early step – it is the first impression you’ll be putting out into the world. According to Rachael and the research at eHarmony, full-length photos work best online, rather than a close-up selfie.

For men in particular, activity photos that show you leading an active lifestyle work well – although if your number one hobby is skiing, maybe make sure there’s at least one photo of you not in a balaclava.

“Be careful of any overly suggestive photos,” said Rachael. “If you find a picture of a man with his shirt off, you’re going to make assumptions about what he’s using the dating site or app for. You’re better off to post a realistic photo of you and what you’d look like in a social situation.”

There’s a lot to be said for intrigue and leaving something to the imagination. eHarmony has found that women get 50% more messages when their main image is of them wearing sunglasses (though this doesn’t work as well for men).

Beware of group photos too – your potential match won’t know which one is you – and definitely don’t blur anyone out in the picture.

Once that’s dealt with, you can move on to writing a bio. “You want to be aiming to write between 200 and 250 words,” Rachael said. “Half of men and 36% of women write fewer than 25 words to describe themselves, but users get 50% more messages on eHarmony if they can write around 200 words.

“You want to get your personality across. Write a bit about what you do, what your hobbies are, if you have children. Be honest – say what kind of relationship you’re looking for.

“There’s definitely this fear about being honest about what you really want. If you’re looking for something meaningful, say so!

“You could also write about your personality traits – things like being extroverted or opinionated – and what you’d look for in a compatible partner.”

Less is again more in this section – you can explain that you’re looking for a casual relationship without being explicit or overt about sexual appetite.

If you’re making the first move, the best opening lines tend to be that ones that are personal to your match – ask them about themselves.

That being said, more unusual opening lines will garner more interest that the generic ones being sent round by every other user.

“Being funny is obviously great,” Rachael said. “A bit of self-deprecating humour can work well.

“Surprisingly, we’ve recently seen that philosophical questions do really well on response rates. An example of that is ‘What’s your opinion of traditional gender roles?’

“Avoid being too political or opinionated, start a chat with an open mind, but don’t be afraid to start with an interesting subject.”

Ask a lot of questions before meeting up with someone to make sure you’re compatible on paper, then when you are feeling keen for a face-to-face meeting, keep it casual.

A fifth of men feel that they’re not wealthy enough for dating, but you don’t need to splash the cash on a flash dinner for your first date.

“Keep it simple,” said Rachael. “Go for a coffee or a drink. Give it an hour and see if you click. An evening’s a long time to commit to someone you don’t even know yet, and you don’t want either person to feel under pressure or awkwardly staring across a table at each other.

“Then look at doing an activity on your second date – go for a nice walk, or play crazy golf. Something that’s more engaging.”

The research has shown that 38% of single Mancunians feel that their low self-esteem has had an impact on their dating lives.

“Dating anxiety’s very common, and the stats in Manchester reflect what’s going on nationwide.

“It’s a bit like exercising though. The more you do it and the more you exercise that muscle, the easier it gets.

“Just remember that even if a date goes terribly, it’ll make a good story to tell your mates!

“Try not to put too much pressure on the evening or feel like you have to fancy your date. You can have a nice experience and a good chat without having to be attracted to one another. Just go into it thinking ‘I want to have a good time’, and you will.”

In light of the stats about single Mancunians, eHarmony are launching the Manchester Love Challenge, featuring bespoke dating advice, special offers and video content. See here for more details.

Part of this will be Love Decoded, a chat between Rachael, Mancunian psychologist Emma Kenny, and psychotherapist Lucy Beresford that will be live-streamed on eHarmony’s Facebook page on Tuesday November 13. This will be followed by an #AskMeAnything Q&A on Twitter with Emma Kenny.

Manchester Evening News readers have a special opportunity to ask Emma Kenny questions in a special Facebook Live on our Facebook page on November 21.

You can also submit your questions via the form below ahead of the Facebook Live session.

Spencer Matthews loves fatherhood so much he's keen on five more kids and poor Vogue

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Spencer and Vogue welcomed Theodore two months ago (Picture: Getty Images)

Spencer Matthews has loved fatherhood so much he has revealed he’s up for five more.

We await Vogue’s thoughts on this…

The former Made in Chelsea star, and his wife Vogue Williams, welcomed baby boy Theodore in September, and according to the reality star fatherhood has been but a breeze thus far.

Holed up in a West London home with his ‘dream team’, the 29-year-old has waxed lyrical to Metro.co.uk on his little family. It’s something that seemingly agrees with Spencer, as he added if he knew how brilliant Theodore would be, ‘they’d have five more’.

‘He is the dream. He looks quite a lot like a lovely mix of the two of us,’ he added. ‘He’s very well-behaved – he must have got that from me.’

Spencer has teamed up with Hammerson and Union Square, as they release a whole bunch of findings on the world of dating, and the freshly married man admitted: ‘God help anyone who takes my dating advice’ – but he did dish on how he won over Vogue, after they met on the telly.

Vogue Williams with Spencer Matthews, and baby bump (Picture: Vogue Williams/Instagram)

And he’s already keen on more (Picture: Vogue Williams/Instagram)

‘She was pretty keen on me, she’s not here to defend herself,’ he laughed, hinting it was definitely the other way around. ‘[If she was here] she’d be interrupting saying I was very persistent and she didn’t want to tell anyone about me because she was too embarrassed.

Advertisement
Advertisement

‘We had the pleasure of being friends before we started to date and she said she’d only go out with me if I won The Jump, so I won that and she went out with me. I’m pretty sure she would have gone out with me anyway…’

Now with two-month-old Theodore, the dating world is long in his rear-view mirror – even though he does want to make it clear he deplores catfishers, which are apparently still a very big thing according to Hammerson’s findings.

‘I didn’t ever know if I was in the dating world or not – you’d just go on dates and that was that,’ he said. ‘I never saw it as anything to stress about. If a date didn’t go well then I’d move on. If you’re not enjoying a date, don’t call them back.’

We got a glimpse of Spencer’s single life on the Channel 4 reality programme, where he dated the likes of Stephanie Pratt, Lucy Watson and recently-engaged Louise Thompson. Now his priorities couldn’t be further from his MiC days.

‘Some might say you’re burdened with more responsibility, but it doesn’t feel like it,’ he said of fatherhood. ‘You’re more grown up, the life of a child is in your hands, 100% dependent on you to survive, life is more about you than others. I’d like to think I’d shifted into that direction more.

Advertisement
Advertisement

‘Being a father takes up a lot of my time, but couldn’t think of anything else I’d be doing. He’s in Dublin [with Vogue], I cannot wait to get him back.

‘Vogue is a superstar, I couldn’t be more proud of her. May the dream team continue!’

Got a story?

If you’ve got a story, video or pictures get in touch with the Metro.co.uk Entertainment team by emailing us celebtips@metro.co.uk, calling 020 3615 2145 or by visiting our Submit Stuff page – we’d love to hear from you.

MORE: Spencer Matthews plotting I’m A Celebrity return after claiming he was ‘removed against his will’ in 2015

MORE: What do Pippa Middleton and husband James Matthews do for a living as they welcome baby boy?

Advertisement
Advertisement

The CEO of a startup that's raised $20 million gives the same piece of advice to every new entrepreneur he meets

  Dating Advice, Relationships

When Justin McLeod was first pitching his idea for dating app Hinge, few people believed he’d be successful.

Instead, McLeod told Business Insider, they’d say to him, “This is never going to be a thing. Match.com owns the market. No one’s ever going to be able to break into it.”

This was more than seven years ago, back before dating apps had taken off (Tinder launched in 2012). But McLeod, Hinge’s CEO, was relatively certain that the app — which initially matched users with people they were connected to through mutual Facebook friends — would be a hit.

Today, Hinge has raised more than $20 million, according to Crunchbase, and is one of the most popular dating apps in the US.

Related: An entrepreneur who dropped out of Harvard Business School to launch his startup made a key hiring mistake that stalled the company’s progress for years

When McLeod advises early stage entrepreneurs, he mentions his own determination to make Hinge work, even in the face of resistance. But he also cautions those founders to listen to their critics and to be willing to change course if necessary.

As an entrepreneur, McLeod said, you must have “this naiveté and belief that you’re going to make this succeed no matter what. But, on the other hand, if you hold too closely to your vision, and you’re not flexible, and you’re not willing to change it, and you’re not willing to evolve over time, then you can just hold onto some vision that’s not working.”

McLeod knows firsthand about the importance of flexibility. In 2016, he made the decision to “reboot” Hinge, most notably removing the swiping feature so the app could appeal more to users interested in serious relationships.

This decision, McLeod said, was based partly on the publication of a Vanity Fair article about the dating “apocalypse,” and partly on McLeod’s observation that Hinge had become too similar to other dating apps on the market.

“If you always listen to every else, then you’ll never do anything new,” McLeod said. “And if you never listen to anyone else, then you’ll get to the point where you might do something crazy, or you’re just banging your head against the wall.”

He added that at Hinge, “Doing things the same way we’ve always done as the company continues to grow and the market continues to change is just a recipe for disaster.”

« Older posts
Newer posts »