Relationships Talk

When you were dating, you probably wouldn’t think of slumping around in an old t-shirt and cargo shorts around your now-wife. Your life, you professed, would be nothing but excitement and adventure and you wouldn’t ever, ever turn into one of those couples that acted more like space-sharers than happily married significant others. But, as a famed chaos theorist once said, life, uhh, finds a way.

The roommate phase of any relationship is very real. Life gets busy and, many couples, caught in the rhythms of it, become passive participants in their marriage. This happens in particular when the relationship doesn’t feel new and exciting anymore. This is normal and simply requires the people in said relationships to make changes to snap out of it. When stagnancy becomes a permanent state is when issues occur. This could indicate the spark has completely gone out and the two of you are simply occupying the same space. In other words, the roommate phase is harmless until it’s not.

So, when you and your partner are stuck in the roommate phase, what can you do? Take immediate action and find ways to infuse some freshness back into your marriage. First order of business: Change out of those sweats. Second order? Take a look at this advice.

Spend Time Apart

Wait, what? Isn’t the whole point of breaking the roommate cycle being together? Yes, in theory, but the fact is, when couples spend too much time together, they can actually sink into the very routines that are strangling their relationship. “If you spend all of your non-working time with your partner, you’re bound to find yourselves engaging in dull, repetitive activities like running errands, staring at your phones, or surfing the web,” says sexologist Dr. Kendra Harris. This, she adds, get boring. And boredom does not yield growth.  Time apart helps you grow as individuals and build some much-needed excitement. The key is to schedule quality time with your partner — purposeful periods where you’re engaged and really enjoy one another. “You’ll find that you connect on a more meaningful level,” she says.

Get Back to Basics

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a licensed clinical professional counselor, a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist and the co-founder of the Marriage Restoration Project, suggests that couples stuck in a rut should have a date night, but actually go back to a place where they used to date. “Revisiting a physical place where you have fond memories is another way to return back to the time where you once felt the spark in your relationship,” he says. “By returning to that place and remembering those positive experiences, you can actually relive in your mind and heart what happened.”

Kickstart Your Sex Life

When the roommate phase sinks in, sex is often one of the first casualties. Relationship and sex educator Brianna Rader says that couples stuck in this phase have to make an extra effort to energize their bedroom life. “To mix up your routine try having sex in another location, adding a sex toy, or playing out a fantasy,” she says. “If your partner seems less interested in sex recently, ask them what they are enjoying lately and focus just on them next session.”

Hit the Road

Even a quick overnight getaway to a new location can be enough to shake you both out of the doldrums and awaken some excitement. “Traveling is a great way to recharge your relationship,” says Slatkin. “Besides providing much needed time away, it returns you refreshed and invigorated and hopeful that you can establish new patterns that avoid you from getting sucked back into the humdrum of everyday living.”

Take a Class Together

This serves two purposes, as it not only allows you and your spouse to have a date night, but it also gives you something new and exciting to share and talk about. “When the brain learns something new, it not only creates new neural pathways, but it also brings about more joy and excitement,” says Slatkin. “Now, do it together with your spouse and the positive energy is compounded. It also provides a fresh new experience that you can share together.”

Show Some Appreciation

Parenting is a never-ending game of Did I Just Do Anything Right? It’s easy to feel doubt, let alone any sense of confidence. As the supportive spouse, it’s your job to step in and provide, yes, validation. The words can vary but the subtext remains: I saw that and I’m not keeping it to myself.

Such appreciation goes far. People don’t feel appreciated for all the stuff they’re doing, so they dig in and say nothing. That’s a game without a winner. The unavoidable truth is that someone needs to be first. It might as well be you. The good news is that goodwill is contagious. Give some and chances are high it will be returned, and then, “It snowballs,” says Dr. Emily Upshur, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York City.

Surprise Your Spouse

Doing something unexpected and out of the ordinary is a perfect way to break up the monotony and show your significant other that you’re thinking of him or her. “It is often the unexpected, not the actual action, that can re-infuse the passion and anticipation we so often crave,” says Slatkin. “It could be something as simple as surprising your spouse at work and taking him/her out for a cup of coffee that can create the thrill that once swept you off your feet.”

If you’re on the brink of a divorce, know two things. First, we’re sorry to hear that. The fracturing of a marriage or other close relationship is a hell of a thing. Second, we want to offer some help. Because, while it may seem futile, there’s always a chance to get your relationship back to where it once was. It just takes work (a lot of work) — and the right direction. That’s why we spoke out to an assortment of counselors, psychotherapists, authors, and consultants, all of whom have experience with couples at the DEFCON-1 level of relationship trouble, and asked them for the last-ditch advice they give those who are considering divorce. Here’s what they offered.

Visualize your fantasies

“By the time a couple is saying they want out, their entire focus is often on escaping their present problem with the unrealistic belief that everything will be better when they do. When a couple comes to me with this mindset, I have them fast forward to a post-divorce life: sharing custody (especially around holidays), birthdays, and other significant celebrations; visualizing their exes moving on with new partners, and dating again. Many times, they realize that the grass on the other side is much browner than they thought it would be. Visualization can really put people in touch with what life could be like versus what they see in their escape fantasies. The usual outcome is a shift in their focus — everything that is bad and wrong turns to what brought them together in the first place, what does work in their relationship, and what they could be giving up that can likely never be replaced.”

– Toni Coleman, LCSW, CMC, Psychotherapist, Relationship Coach, Divorce Mediator at Nova Divorce Mediation in Virginia

Realize you have a choice

“As a therapist, I am a huge advocate of Viktor Frankl and his Logotherapy approach — basically reminding couples that they have a choice. That choice may not be easy to recognize or to follow through on, but through making a choice, even the most hopeless-seeming dynamics can start to improve. The important thing for couples to remember in this situation is that both parties must make the same choice in order for things to work out. If both people choose to work on the marriage, then they are also choosing to work on communication patterns, priorities that may have gotten in the way of the relationship, and wounds that each other have caused. In my experience, couples do not go into counseling unless they have hope that they can save the relationship. In these scenarios, it is imperative to give the couple some perspective, which starts with reminding them that they always have a choice.”

– Patrick Di Vietri, Licensed Professional Counselor / National Certified Counselor / Director of Therapy Services, Hope Therapy and Wellness Center in Virginia 

Understand That You’ve Let Your Partner Morph Into Your Enemy

“Intimate partners unconsciously look to one another to validate and ‘grow’ the parts of themselves they could not acknowledge, experience, or express in their families of origin. The same qualities we adore and idealize in our partners at first become the most frustrating to deal with because they represent the shadow parts of our own minds that we don’t allow ourselves to feel, leading us to reject them in our partners, too. Most couples don’t see what’s truly driving their arguments, and get stuck in endless cycles of defensiveness, withdrawal, or angry demand. Some partners become so disillusioned and filled with hate that they just give up in hopeless resignation. The thing to remember is that every argument contains a secret wish for growth. Don’t let your partner morph into your enemy. Instead, stop the cycle and unlock the potential of your marriage to be the powerful force for healing and growth that it can be.”

– Ma’ayan Greenbaum, PsyD, Licensed Psychologist & Online Conscious Couples Coach in New Jersey

Write A List of Critical Changes

“When couples come in on the brink of divorce, I tell them to write down three absolutely critical changes that your partner would need to make in order for you to want to reinvest energy into the relationship. The key to this exercise is to stop pointing fingers without taking personal responsibility for change. When there is a mutual and responsible effort to embrace your partner’s list, a reconstituted optimism will be injected into the relationship. Why? Because it’s fair! Both partners are simultaneously accepting the need for change.”

 – Dr. Joe Luciani, psychologist, author, wellness coach in New York

Recall how you first met

“I’ve seen this technique work time and time again – go back to treating your spouse the way you did when you first met them. Over time, marriages become soured by the ebbs and flows of daily life. When two people can go back and recapture what they first loved about their partner — thus amplifying it in their mind — they can start putting the bricks back in a crumbling wall. Often, my male clients will say, ‘I don’t like drama.’ To which I say, ‘Then why do you create it?’ If your wife is angry all the time, what did you do to make her so angry? Go back to treating her the way you did when you first fell in love with her, and do it for at least 90 days. If things get better, there’s your answer.”

– Nancy Cramer, leadership consultant in Texas

Embrace your vulnerability

“Your marriage is on the line here, guys. Your only chance for salvaging the relationship is to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow your personal flaws to come to the surface, and look at them together with your spouse. If you’re unwilling to be vulnerable in this marriage, it’s highly likely that this pattern will persist into your next relationship as well. Let your guard down, because remaining guarded and defensive will be your fast track to isolation and divorce.”

– Anthony F. Tasso, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist, Chair and Professor of Psychology (Fairleigh Dickinson University, New Jersey), private practice in New Jersey 

Start a project together

“Couples in trouble can re-establish their previous, loving rapport. You need a project, where you can bond together. Rework your ‘nest’. Clean, clear and dispose of clutter — literally and metaphorically. Remodel your living space. Or discuss a move altogether. When you have to band together to complete a task, taking on your living space breathes new life into the relationship. A fractured relationship can realign with something as simple as repainted walls and spackle. The home you’ve created together gets worn and damaged, just like our love does. Rehab the outsides and the insides will follow. While challenging, the rallying of resources reminds you that you are a team with a common goal — winning!”

– Kimberly Friedmutter, CHt, author, celebrity hypnotherapist, life management expert for OK! Magazine in California

Drain your “resentment tank”

“On average, couples wait up to six years from the start of their problems until they actually seek therapy. By that time, resentment is very high for one or both partners. I ask them, ‘What percentage of your resentment tank is full?’ Once we establish that concept, we work on what caused it to fill up, and how we can drain it. Too much resentment clouds communication, and most issues stem from misunderstandings. Examine what your partner’s needs are, and learn new communication techniques that can help you meet them.”

– Julie Bjelland, LMFT, psychotherapist, author in California

Give yourself space (and write a “pros & cons” list)

“I recommend 48 hours. Separate yourselves, and don’t contact one another. This may be hard, especially if children are involved. If that’s the case, any contact with your partner should be exclusively to figure out drop-offs and pickups, not to process the argument. The 48-hour period will allow each person to get some mental clarity, and to shift out of the emotions and pain associated with divorce. They can think more rationally, and more clearly. During this time, write out a physical ‘pros & cons’ list about your decisions. Doing so is very grounding, and can help you think more clearly about the difficult decisions you need to make.”

 – Gabrielle Freire, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California

Ask this question…

“‘How can I express my love to you today?’ Ask each other that question every day. Your partner should tell you how, very explicitly. It can be the smallest of tasks  — like a hug, a kiss, or a simple ‘I love you’  — or something more like helping out with household chores, watching the kids, or coordinating a date night. The point of this task is to help the couple focus more on their partner’s feelings, rather than think about how they, themselves, are being taken for granted.”

 – Michael Bouciquot, MS, registered marriage and family therapist intern in Florida 

Then ask this question…

“‘What needs are not being met right now?’ The point of this exercise is to constitute thoughts about what you, as a couple, need to stick it out. There may be emotional or physical needs that you feel like you’re meeting, but neither of you has spoken up about them for years. If that’s the case, these needs are not being met – at least not to their full capacity. The present is a great place to start. ‘What is it that you need from me right now, to get through this week?’ You can build on it from there.”

– Jacob Kountz, MFT trainee, clinic manager at CSU Bakersfield in California

Scour old emails

“Search through old emails that might remind you why you connected in the first place. Highlighting what worked for you in the past can allow for renewed connection and tenderness.”

– Dr. Elizabeth Cohen, clinical psychologist in New York

In two previous columns, I explained why couples entering into second or third marriages should consider the tax consequences beforehand. To explain how I’d counsel them, I created Marsha (third marriage for her) and John (fourth one for him).

I advised her to scrutinize his returns; they can provide many kinds of insights into him. In a previous column, I discussed five such items. Below are another five items:

1. Medical Expenses

Those outlays are claimed at the top of Schedule A and are allowable only to the extent that their total in any one year exceeds a specified percentage of adjusted gross income. I remind Marsha that Congress keeps changing the nondeductible floors.

For 2016 and earlier years, the floors were 10 percent and 7.5 percent for those older than 65. For 2017 and 2018, they’re 7.5 percent for all individuals. For 2019 and later years, the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act restores the threshold to 10 percent for John and everyone else, assuming Congress doesn’t revise the rules again.

Year in and year out, John claims hefty deductions for medical expenses that exceed the floors. True, he might be able to easily explain the deductions as attributable to payments for insurance premiums and expenses usually not covered by insurance, such as dental work, hearing aids, glasses, medically required home improvements or private duty nurses.

But I point out to Marsha that there could be another reason for substantial write-offs: John sees a psychologist or psychiatrist. There’s nothing wrong with that. But Marsha should know what issues John is grappling with—and also share the emotional struggles she has.

2. Donations

John’s Schedule A shows he’s a chintzy contributor, whereas Marsha’s return shows she’s a generous giver. While that needn’t be a deal breaker, they should discuss donations before marriage.

3. Schedule C

As John operates his dental practice as a sole proprietorship, he files a Schedule C. A cursory review of the amounts entered for business receipts and expenses suggests he’s understating gross receipts and overstating expenses. Whereas dentists in his area typically claim expenses equal to about 50 percent of gross receipts, his expenses equal about 75 percent of gross receipts.

A plausible explanation for the discrepancy: John doesn’t deposit cash payments received from patients into the practice’s bank account, and he tells his accountant to use bank deposits to calculate gross receipts. Marsha shouldn’t hesitate to ask John whether he’s trying to pull one over on the IRS.

4. Withholding

Like millions of other Americans, John receives big refunds every year, either as a deliberate form of forced savings or simply by neglecting to claim enough exemptions on W-4 forms. But interest-free loans to the IRS are anathema for someone like tax-savvy Marsha, who meticulously monitors her withholding from wages and outlays for estimated payments, and thus files tax returns that usually show small balances due.

Filing jointly could mean that they receive no refunds. That could be a big disappointment for John, who is used to getting checks. It’s a good idea for them to discuss how they’ll handle withholding. 

5. Midst these thorns, there are some roses…

Assume John’s Schedule D shows a substantial capital loss carryforward and no unrealized capital gains. At $3,000 a year, it will take many years for him to use up his carryforward. Marsha, however, has a substantial unrealized capital gain. Marriage means she can realize the gain and offset it against John’s carryforward.

Similarly, suppose he operates a business that’s unprofitable. He has a hefty net operating loss carryforward, but not enough other income to absorb the carryforward. Marsha has sizable income. Marriage enables him to apply his carryforward against her income.

Additional articles. A reminder for accountants who would welcome advice on how to alert clients to tactics that trim taxes for this year and even give a head start for next year: Delve into the archive of my articles (more than 250 and counting).