Category Archives: marriage advice
Kelly Ripa Talks 22 Years of Marriage to Mark Consuelos: 'You're Gonna Fight'
Growing together. Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos have been married for more than two decades, navigating the ins and outs of what makes a relationship survive — and thrive — in Hollywood.
Kelly Ripa INSTAR Images
The Live with Kelly and Ryan host, 47, appeared on Anna Faris’ podcast “Unqualified” while at Comic-Con in San Diego, where she spoke candidly about her 22-year relationship — which isn’t without its flaws.
When asked for advice on how to maintain a happy relationship, Ripa — who married the All My Children alum in 1996 — explained, “This is what I’ve found works for me in my marriage with Marc: You’re gonna fight. You’re gonna have at each other. We’re gonna annoy each other and do stuff that irritates each other because we’re human beings. But at the end of the day, we’re loyal to each other, we care about each other deeply. We’re good friends and, you know, relationships evolve and we just happen to be lucky enough that we evolved together. We grew together. Our roots became entangled.”
According to the former Hope & Faith actress, she still finds her her husband — with whom she shares Michael, 21, Lola, 17, and Joaquin, 15 — “breathtaking.” After touching upon getting her makeup done earlier in the day, Ripa remarked, “I know who I am, so I know with the right amount of everything, I can look fine. With the right amount, the right angles … so for a very average girl from New Jersey to get that guy? I’m talking if you scrub me down … I’m talking about the wet Chihuahua version of me, the natural me, the normal me. I’m being rewarded for doing something great in a past life.”
And it helps that Ripa works to keep everything, um, in place. When the Mom star, 41, and Ripa discussed doing Kegels, Faris joked, “So Marc’s enjoying himself?” Ripa quipped, “I mean, I think he’s having… he doesn’t complain. He’s so stoic. He looked happy, didn’t he look fine? I think he seems OK. ”
Consuelos, 47, also stopped by the podcast, where he mentioned that he now understands the importance of not leaving the toilet seat up, joking that Ripa “trained him” pretty well. And The Stand In star didn’t refute that claim, saying, “This is the thing. It’s taken a long time, I say it all the time. .. I’m certainly not giving him up now that he’s perfect. Because some other woman will come in and be like, ‘Oh my God, he came this way assembled fully in the box with his batteries in’ and I’m like no honey, I put that … set together, piece by piece.”
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Relationship Advice: 5 rules to help men stay in their lane and avoid the pitfall of 'mansplaining'
Last week, Meagan Good’s husband, DeVon Franklin, decided to urge his followers (particularly the women) to treat dating differently than marriage until wedding rings are exchanged.
Franklin uploaded a photograph on his Instagram account of an engagement ring and two wedding bands that reads, “There’s a time to act like husband and wife, but if doesn’t come until you’re actually married—until you have that indelible commitment to each other.”
Then captioned the post with, “Acting married when you’re not can set you up for heartbreak,” along with a link to his New York Times bestselling book, The Wait.
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Now from what I’ve both seen of both Franklin and his actress wife, they seem like a beautiful, loving, Christian couple, but when I saw this, my first reaction was, “Hold up! Wasn’t there another church brother preaching to women that they SHOULD act like wives while dating, just the other day?”
So which one is it?
Are women supposed to act like girlfriends until they get married and get “chose” or are we supposed to act like wives in order to actually become somebody’s wife?
These blatantly conflicting messages from men who are representatives of faith led communities, illustrate exactly why fellas in general need to fall back on preaching to women about our womanhood.
Everyone has an opinion
I know the raging success of Steve Harvey‘s Think Like A Man franchise has every brother with an opinion and a fresh suit thinking he can build a brand by helping wayward jezebels find their way back to the Lord. Albeit well meaning, Franklin’s advice raised a few brows because it unintentionally falls into the trap of mansplaining, a term used to describe what happens when a man insults a woman’s intelligence by thinking he can explain the complexities of life to her in an overconfident, condescending and/or oversimplified manner.
To all the brothers out there who have opinions, and feel like they should be able to speak to the women in their lives without being dismissed as a mansplainer, don’t worry boo. I gotchu!
Here’s a checklist of five facts to keep in mind before opening your mouth to tell any woman how to live her best life.
RULE# 1: WHY are you giving this advice?
It’s never your place to put a woman in her place. (Courtesy of Fotolia)
This seems like such a basic question, but you would be surprised how many conversations (and arguments) you could avoid if you simply paused for a second and asked yourself why are you choosing to engage.
As a man, before you give any women advice, be clear about what your true intention is. Are you sincerely trying to be a supportive friend/partner or are you annoyed with her behavior and attempting to put her in her place?
A lot of times our supposedly unbiased “advice” is actually a guise to voice hidden resentments that we’re too afraid to voice directly.
Don’t be that dude.
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RULE# 2: Are you invalidating some women’s opinions?
Are the type of guy who puts women in boxes? You know, some women deserve to be respected while others deserve your disdain? (Courtesy of Fotolia)
Sigmund Freud spoke at length about the Madonna–whore complex, which is basically a form of mentally triggered impotence that develops in men who see women as either pure Madonnas or debased prostitutes and nothing in between.
These men can have great sex outside of their marriage because “bad girls” are meant for that sort of thing, but they struggle to have the same sexually satisfying experiences with the women they’re committed to because in their minds “good girls” are meant to be more righteous and puritanical.
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While most men don’t have this extreme psychological complex, shades of the Madonna vs Whore mindset are still pretty prevalent in our every day society. In hip-hop culture it would probably be renamed Thots vs Wifey, but the messaging is still the same: some women deserve to be treated and respected as human beings while others deserve to be treated like objects to own and direct.
If you are a man who speaks to women as if only specific “types” of women deserve basic humanity, that is definitely your cue to keep your opinions to yourself.
Whether you consciously acknowledge it or not, anything you say from that stance is going to be, at the very least, steeped in some form of implied misogyny. When it comes to race, we often complain about white people expecting us to check items off a list before they will acknowledge that we are full fledged humans who deserve the same rights that they naturally enjoy. Somehow when it comes to gender, Black men often pull out their own checklist for Black women before giving us that same respect.
Issa no dawg.
Save yourself the headache of getting cussed out by a sister who is hip to your reindeer games and locked and loaded to shut you down.
RULE# 3: Would you give this same advice to men?
Have you fallen face down into the mansplaining trap amongst your group of friends. (Courtesy of Fotolia)
Piggybacking on the last point, men often don’t realize that they advise women under the premise that “good girls” deserve respect, while “bad girls” deserve whatever they get. The irony of this is that the same dude who has this strict code of what it takes for a woman to be considered his equal can simultaneously have a GAGGLE of aint-ish, no good, down and dirty, unscrupulous men friends who he loves unconditionally and considers to be his brothers.
Why can’t the women in your life ALSO be compassionately approached as flawed human beings who are worthy of respect even when they’re being messy?
If you are giving morally, self-righteous advice to a woman and would not give that same advice to your brethren, that very decidedly means you’ve fallen face down into the mansplaining trap.
A lot of pastors have gone viral preaching to women on how to get “chose” and be a “good wife.” The real question is why aren’t the men in their congregations being lectured to with the same fervor on how to be good husbands?
I suspect it’s because many of us still have this archaic mindset that a man can make mistakes, cheat, etc and in the end, he should be forgiven. As long as his wife is a bastion of perfection, he will still be able to come home to her and work things out.
Word? We still doing this? Ya’ll can miss me with that narrative entirely.
RULE# 4: Is this advice that you already take yourself?
Are you looking at the man in the mirror? (Courtesy of Fotolia)
Speaking of religion and the sort of advice we get from churches, does anyone else remember the Golden Rule, which states, “Do onto others as you would have them do unto you.”
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If you are a in a compromised state in life, have a history of making epically bad decisions, and are struggling to get your own ish together, this may not be the time for you to take it upon yourself to advise anyone on life goals – male or female.
How are you gonna help take someone, someplace when your passport has never been stamped?
Be humble fam. In this day and age folks like to check receipts and often times the men preaching the hardest on how to be “a real woman” have barely worked out the blueprint of their own manhood.
And that’s just fraudulent.
RULE# 5: Is this any of your business?
Don’t wake up those dormant misogynistic muscles. Mind your mouth and your business. (Courtesy of Fotolia)
I saved this one for last because it’s the “make it or break it” rule for all things that involve staying in your lane. Even if you follow all the rules previously stated and are well-intentioned, you must still ask yourself, “Is this any of my damn business?”
A lot of times, men who are consistently applauded for being “good dudes” get so high off of that praise that they unwittingly develop a Messiah complex. They start to think they can fix every problem around them. This can be annoying as hell in general, but in particular when done to women, it can subconsciously activate dormant misogynistic muscles that brothers don’t even realize they’re flexing.
It doesn’t matter how nice you are, the minute you start talking to a woman like you’re her daddy and pushing your opinions onto her in a way that disrespects her boundaries, you become a mansplainer; worst yet, you’ve likely also become an ass.
And to paraphrase one of the most poignant lines from Issa Rae‘s HBO series Insecure, the worse kind of f–boys are the ones who actually convince themselves they’re being good dudes.
I know pieces like this are often written (or perceived to be written) by angry annoyed Black women who just want men to shut up. I assure you that will never be my intention. In fact, my best friend of 20 plus years, who gives me more advice than anyone on the entire planet, is a man. He has successfully avoided mansplaining for the better part of two decades and will continue to do so by regularly checking off the boxes above, before lovingly telling me to get my ish together.
Trust me on this fellas; there’s a seat for you at our table. We’re just asking you to be a little more mindful before pulling up a chair.
Follow writer Blue Telusma on Instagram at @bluecentric
She seeks advice to handle ex'sbad-mouthing
My ex had an affair and we divorced as a result. It was humiliating when he married the woman, and not long after I met her ex for coffee. We married a year later. So, essentially, we’ve traded partners.
My ex is incredibly manipulative and has bad-mouthed me so badly that my husband’s middle school-age daughters will not even come to visit. He’s made it look like we were the ones who had the affair and the girls despise me.
I try to be accepting and do special things for them on their birthdays and around the holidays, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Should I continue? What’s good ex-etiquette?
I would never tell anyone to just give up, particularly if they are doing their best to follow the rules of good ex-No.5 and 6. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s difficult when all you want to do is come right out and tell the kids that their stepfather is the liar.
But, you have to ask yourself how will that make things better? At this point, will the kids siding with you and your husband be better than the status quo? For you, maybe. But, since the kids deserve both their parents to be active in their lives, they are the losers any way you look at it.
My suggestion is to continue to do exactly what you are doing. You could look for paybacks, plot, plan and get your revenge, but the danger in doing that is that it may not even phase the girls and your devotion to getting revenge may be the demise of your current marriage.
If all you think about, all you talk about, is stopping your ex and swaying the girls to your side, there will be little room to build the love and devotion your marriage needs to flourish. Your kindness is a positive example and even if the girls don’t see it at this point, your husband does.
Some feel that you should never discuss an affair with the children. However, as you can see, if the information is not presented properly, it can cause huge problems. Although too much information can also be detrimental, rather than the need to set the record straight, it may be more productive to concentrate on the love your husband has for his daughters. Make sure they know that will never waiver.
While the following may not be helpful in all situations, I often suggest you use the word “mistaken” to describe an ex’s misinformation.
For example, “Mom said you left us because of Janeen.”
Your comment could then be: “Your mother is mistaken. I met Janeen a year after your mother and I split up.” No need to editorialize further. You have found a way to state the truth without calling mom a liar.
Ex-etiquette for parents rule No. 3 is, “No bad-mouthing.” That’s good ex-etiquette.
Words of Wisdom on a Silver Anniversary
(Pixabay)How to make marriage last.
To commemorate my 25th wedding anniversary this week to my husband, Jesse, I asked readers on Facebook to share their own secrets to a long happy marriage.
In short, the crowdsourced recipe for marital endurance includes faith, forgiveness, romance, kindness, selflessness, and a healthy dose of humor. A union built to last begins with a promise and persists through compromise and commitment. It is about keeping your word, choosing the right words, and knowing when no words are necessary.
Teri L. emphasized: “Marriage is WORK. You have to put effort into it. You have to love and nurture the relationship. It has to be priority. You have to respect it.”
Cathy G. advised: “Be careful with your words. Once they are out in the universe, there is no taking them back. And laugh — a lot! 41 years and counting.”
Vincent O. opined: The “key to a long marriage is forgiveness and understanding. You must also end your arguments and misunderstandings the same day. Never let it linger.”
Tony G. kept it short and simple: “53 years ago, I learned how to say, ‘Yes, Love.’”
Marie G. also administered pithy wisdom: “30 years. It’s all about RESPECT.”
Hugh W. counseled: “Our secret to a long marriage: I always let my wife think she’s in charge!”
Terence C. gave the opposite instruction: “As far as a secret to a successful marriage, I always tell everyone: ‘My wife lets me think I am the boss!’”
Walt S. weighed in: “50 years here . . . keep God and commonsense in your marriage. Simplicity, Trust, and Utility inside of our wedding bands.”
Pamela N. shared: “We celebrated our 51st last March. My advice is to apologize when you’re wrong and forgive when you are wronged. Don’t throw in the towel when hardships come. Hang on. There will be hills and valleys . . . and beautiful meadows. Embrace it all together.”
Robert S. reflected: “Will be married 50 years this August 2018. I carry a picture of my wife that I have had for over 51 (years).” She “sent it to me when I was in Vietnam. I look at that picture every day to remind me why I married her. It hasn’t failed me yet.”
Barbara M. posted: “Never take each other for granted and make memories, even if it’s just dancing to a tune on the radio in the kitchen. Laugh as much as possible and trust God to bring you through the storms. Be grateful for all that you have and most of all always be KIND and FORGIVING!”
Stark G. suggested: “Commit to the relationship voyage” and “always remember that this is a LONG-TERM voyage.” Moreover, “never forget that you are not an Adonis or a diva. Your partner didn’t have to marry you. They did you a favor.” And “go out for a coffee or a drink once a week to remind each other that you are still a couple.”
Rod K. divulged: “Having my wife of almost 44 years lying in a bed with terminal cancer and other pressing issues, the adage of ‘live each day with one another as though it may be your last’ has a tremendous message we are now facing, but equally for any married couple.”
A union built to last begins with a promise and persists through compromise and commitment.
Joan H. similarly noted: “My 25th was spent with my husband in a nursing-home dining room where the staff had prepared a beautiful meal in a private room. I think my advice for a long-lasting marriage is believing and living the part of your vows that say, ‘in sickness and in health,’ because you just are never prepared or know what the future holds.”
From my mom and dad, who marked their 48th wedding anniversary this spring: “Today, as you reflect on the 25 years of journey through your married life, you can rejoice, be grateful, and take pride in all that you have accomplished and weathered together. Marriage indeed is hard work, but it becomes lighter when lived in love and perseverance, with patience and humility.”
Finally, Neil S. joked: “Never be stupid at the same time.”
We’ll take it all to heart. Stay tuned for another longevity update in 25 years.
