Relationships Talk

Dear Carolyn

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

DEAR CAROLYN: I’m engaged to a wonderful man, “Jim,” and we’re planning our wedding. We just booked a gorgeous inn and I am going to wear a stunning full-length white dress. We’ll also be having a sit-down dinner with band and dancing for the reception.

I’m in my 30s and Jim is in his 40s, and we are paying, so no one else really has any say in this, but since it’s my third wedding and his second, we’re catching a surprising amount of flak from both our families.

Is there some kind of limit to how many big weddings you’re “allowed” to have? My mom and his sisters are acting like we’re violating some unwritten rule that this wedding has to be small and intimate.

This isn’t a gift grab since we’re planning to indicate “no gifts necessary.” I asked my mom if she had doubts about me and Jim but she insists it’s the wedding, and even said, “Enough with the big weddings.” We can fully afford this nice but not too elaborate wedding, so why all the grief? Are they living in the past or have we made some kind of awful goof?

— Engaged

DEAR ENGAGED: I’m going with “neither.” They’re not living in the past and you’re not making some awful goof.

Chances are both parties are acting on some unspoken internal doubts: They’re concerned you’ve learned nothing from Jim 1 and Jim 2 and are forging ahead as if it’s a do-over, and you’re concerned you won’t be taken seriously because you’ve been here before.

If that’s the case, then my advice is — for you, and for your family too if they’re watching — to reckon with your own stuff as needed emotionally instead of fighting a proxy war through the wedding.

By that I mean, you resolve any doubts you have about (this) marriage head-on, not through event planning; and your families reckon privately with their concerns versus channeling them through canapé-carping.

If you’re confident you’re doing what’s right for you in marrying Jim, then celebrate how you want to. And feel free to say to your critics, “We’re happy. We’re celebrating. I hope you’ll join us.” No further discussion necessary.

DEAR CAROLYN: Does there reach a point on the introversion scale where you’ve gone too far? I work from home and rarely see other people besides my wife. I’m finding more and more that I like it that way and don’t really want to see friends or family. I’m not depressed, I just prefer to be home alone or only with my wife. Should I challenge my introversion and go out with friends from time to time, or is being an extreme introvert OK?

— OK?

DEAR OK?: You’re treating your circumstances now as if life is permanent, which we all know it isn’t. What will you do if your wife suddenly isn’t around to serve as your only source of companionship? What if you lose your friends and family to relocation, alienation or death? What’s your Plan B?

If you don’t feel like having one, then that’s your prerogative. If I were you, though, I wouldn’t let my connections and social muscles atrophy completely. It’s so much easier to maintain them now than it is to rebuild them later.

Updated 12 hours ago

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

I’m engaged to a wonderful man, “Jim,” and we’re planning our wedding. We just booked a gorgeous inn and I am going to wear a stunning full-length white dress. We’ll also be having a sit-down dinner with band and dancing for the reception.

I’m in my 30s and Jim is in his 40s, and we are paying, so no one else really has any say in this, but since it’s my third wedding and his second, we’re catching a surprising amount of flak from both our families.

Is there some kind of limit to how many big weddings you’re “allowed” to have? My mom and his sisters are acting like we’re violating some unwritten rule that this wedding has to be small and intimate.

This isn’t a gift grab since we’re planning to indicate “no gifts necessary.” I asked my mom if she had doubts about me and Jim but she insists it’s the wedding, and even said, “Enough with the big weddings.” We can fully afford this nice but not too elaborate wedding, so why all the grief? Are they living in the past or have we made some kind of awful goof?

— Engaged

I’m going with “neither.” They’re not living in the past and you’re not making some awful goof.

Chances are both parties are acting on some unspoken internal doubts: They’re concerned you’ve learned nothing from Jim 1 and Jim 2 and are forging ahead as if it’s a do-over, and you’re concerned you won’t be taken seriously because you’ve been here before.

If that’s the case, then my advice is — for you, and for your family too if they’re watching — to reckon with your own stuff as needed emotionally instead of fighting a proxy war through the wedding.

By that I mean, you resolve any doubts you have about (this) marriage head-on, not through event planning; and your families reckon privately with their concerns versus channeling them through canape-carping.

If you’re confident you’re doing what’s right for you in marrying Jim, then celebrate how you want to. And feel free to say to your critics, “We’re happy. We’re celebrating. I hope you’ll join us.” No further discussion necessary.

Dear Carolyn:

Does there reach a point on the introversion scale where you’ve gone too far? I work from home and rarely see other people besides my wife. I’m finding more and more that I like it that way and don’t really want to see friends or family. I’m not depressed, I just prefer to be home alone or only with my wife. Should I challenge my introversion and go out with friends from time to time, or is being an extreme introvert OK?

— OK?

You’re treating your circumstances now as if life is permanent, which we all know it isn’t. What will you do if your wife suddenly isn’t around to serve as your only source of companionship? What if you lose your friends and family to relocation, alienation or death? What’s your Plan B?

If you don’t feel like having one, then that’s your prerogative. If I were you, though, I wouldn’t let my connections and social muscles atrophy completely. It’s so much easier to maintain them now than it is to rebuild them later.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

INDIANAPOLIS — With summer as a popular season for weddings, the Indiana Department of Revenue is offering advice to help Hoosier newlyweds avoid headaches with tax issues:

• Name changes: If a customer changes a name as a result of marriage, the first step is to report this change to the Social Security Administration. Tax returns are filed under an individual’s Social Security number, so it is important to complete the name-change process before filing a tax return. The name on the tax return must match the Social Security number to ensure any potential refund goes to the correct person. More information may be found online at SSA.gov.

• Changing withholding status: Newly married individuals may need to update their federal W-4 and state WH-4 forms to reflect additional exemptions or change their higher standard deduction. By claiming an additional allowance or changing the withholding status to married, fewer taxes may be withheld from their pay.

• Updating addresses: If marriage results in a change of address, couples should update the address on file with Indiana Department of Revenue. The department offers several methods for customers to update their addresses, including in person, by fax or mail. By updating an address, customers can ensure they will receive important information from the Department of Revenue on time, which may include a refund check. Details can be found online at in.gov/dor/4706.htm.

• Evaluating tax filing status: Once an individual is married, the filing status on the person’s tax return must be either: “married filing jointly” or “married filing separately.” The option “married filing jointly” provides the most beneficial tax outcome for most couples, due to the available credits and deductions. However, couples should explore both options to determine what works best.

Changing filing status may change an individual’s tax bracket, so the income might be taxed at a different rate. If a married couple chooses to file a joint return, their income is now combined, which may result in one or both individuals being in a higher tax bracket.

Even if the wedding date is Dec. 30, 2018, a couple is still considered married for the 2018 tax year.

Customers with any questions or concerns about changes in filing due to married status may call the Department of Revenue Customer Service Department at (317) 232-2240, Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.