Category Archives: marriage advice
A marriage counselor's advice for adland and a divided nation
The media frequently compares our conflicted America to a dysfunctional couple on the edge of divorce. But as a marriage counselor, I can say with confidence: I’ve seen worse.
Admittedly, our divided country is like many of the couples I work with. Neither side wants to bend. Neither wants to hear the other’s side. Both think the other is impossible to live with. Both fear opening up, being vulnerable and losing themselves to the other if they give in even an inch.
Recently, I was a part of a research project with ad agency Grey New York to understand the culture and meaning of togetherness, and how that applies to brands which are wondering whether they can make things better. Because as I understand, brands are asking themselves if they should try to play a role in bringing people together — and what that might entail. For the research, we set up pairs of people in Denver and Dallas with opposing viewpoints and had them discuss contentious issues — and what approaches they usually employ in real life, to face similar issues.
My personal focus was: how do you get the extremely polarized couples (or sides) to come closer and start focusing on our similarities and how to coexist and then thrive as a unit (or nation)?
The Grey research showed that people want to come together. And though brands often come across as misguided or self-serving, I personally see room for brands to help. I’m not in that business, but I know we are in a world where people are surrounded by advertising. Ads tell different stories which can be pretty powerful; so maybe ads can show people they’re understood, and maybe that can contribute to healing.
Whatever issues we have that are contributing to a split are going to follow you into the next relationship and so on and so forth. So, in the spirit of “FIX YOUR SHIT NOW!” Here’s how…
Spur unpleasant conversations. Now.
Studies show that the more people can put themselves in others’ shoes, the better they get along. And just the fact that our research participants wanted to be in the focus group tells you something; they found it worth their time to potentially have a very unpleasant conversation — with the hope of surmounting their differences. As a country, we need to start talking about what we all really want at the core. And then we need to act as a team. How do we better our collective selves? How can we accomplish our goals? It may start from prompting uncomfortable conversations, instead of the shiny and happy, to form teams of people who got over their differences.
Show what respect means
Respect means that you can still be united even though you have differing opinions. Understanding that at the core all Americans want a better life for their kids to be able to express their opinions, to feel free, be able to make a decent living, to have good healthcare, etc. Those are basic human needs you can remind people of, and show, as you try to unite audiences with your messages. People (at least in my research groups) tried to actively listen; none of them raised voices or got heated, they stayed calm, they absorbed and they appeared to at least want to be respectful.
Remind people there are gray areas
There’s an old saying: you can be right, or you can be happy, but you can’t be both. As with couples, one side can’t always be right, always get their way, or both. If they do, it creates an imbalance that leads to discord and general unhappiness. Our nature is to feel that we have freedoms, choice and free will. If we never get heard or get our way, problems start. Show people that choices aren’t either/or.
Make people laugh even more
As a country, we need to stop being so freakin’ serious about ourselves. Remember as a kid we didn’t care what the person next to us looked like, where they were from, who they loved, if their parents made money — we just wanted to have fun and not get grounded. So, give people opportunities to play. Or if you’re prompting an uncomfortable discussion, don’t be afraid to use laughter to adjust the tone of the discussion.
Take small manageable steps
Big grand gestures and changes are wonderful — but seldom stick. It’s the small little steps that can become lifelong good habits.
All of that said: I may not have an advertising job, but I know the power brands have, and their influence. You can’t fix everything, but maybe little changes are the best victories. These are the things that are sustainable, thus making them real game changers. If marketers do a little more, maybe we’ll see a lot more togetherness.
Wife hates husband's secret lingerie habit
Dear Amy: I have been married almost 15 years to a man I first knew in high school. I first became aware of his problem several years ago, when I found a bra hanging in our laundry room that was not my size. Finally, my husband confessed he’d bought it for himself. He said it was a one-time occurrence.
After he returned from a business trip, I found more women’s lingerie. He assured me this would not occur again. Then, I found a white gown and panties in his backpack in the trunk of his car. Yes, I was snooping, because I remained suspicious.
He wrote me an email telling me he was fascinated with female lingerie. I decided that he had a fetish, and sought marital counseling. He attended, but he didn’t think it helped. I told him then that if he had to make these purchases I did not want to ever know about them, and I’d better not ever find evidence.
Last week I discovered two emails on his phone (yes, I was snooping again) where he has ordered almost $1,000 of lingerie AND women’s clothing.
He also has a secret post office box where these shipments are delivered.
I sent him a letter to the P.O. box asking him WHY he has it, and WHY he was buying women’s clothing.
So far, he hasn’t acknowledged the letter.
Our relationship has suffered because I feel betrayed. I do not feel loved, respected or cared for.
I think I still love him, but this behavior disgusts me (maybe it shouldn’t).
Your advice?
– Confused Wife
Dear Wife: You have demanded that your husband must not disclose anything about this fetish to you. You have also demanded that you must never find any evidence of it.
He seems to have gone to great lengths to keep this a secret, as you insist he must.
So why do you keep snooping? If you don’t want to be confronted by something, then don’t look for it.
Read more:
Cross-dressing (or perhaps only purchasing women’s clothing) is obviously a very important part of your husband’s life. It is shocking to me that your therapist didn’t help you to talk about this during your sessions. The way you two communicate – via email and now postal letter – is passive and one-sided. You both seem to basically throw down and then run away.
Instead of insisting that your husband stop doing something that he won’t stop doing, you might seek to understand it by discussing it with him, suspending your disgust and judgment until you feel you understand this impulse.
You say you feel unloved and betrayed, but I can imagine that your husband might feel this way, too.
Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I are pretty young, and we have been dating for three years. His family has picked petty arguments with me in the past. A year ago, I posted a photo on social media of me in a bathing suit that some assumed was my underwear. My boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend, “Katie,” reached out to me through social media to tell me that the photo was disrespectful to my relationship.
Some somewhat vicious messages went back and forth between us until I blocked her.
It’s been one year, and at gatherings I refuse to speak to her, even though she once tried to speak to me. Katie is a 30-year-old woman who decided to poke her nose into my relationship, though she posts plenty of swimsuit wear and has a history of cheating.
My boyfriend wants us to make up. Am I wrong to ignore her? Even if she were to offer me an apology at this point, I’m so angry I don’t want her involved in any part of my life.
– Silent
Dear Silent: If you want for things to continue as they are – with you being furious for over a year and playing the victim – then by all means, keep doing what you’re doing. If you want for things to change, then you should start behaving differently, and agree to listen when someone attempts to talk to you.
Dear Amy: “Don’t Like Dirty Laundry” was a woman whose middle-age “macho” boyfriend had never done his own laundry!
Well, my dear husband of many decades never did a load of laundry in his life. But he did so many other things! He died four years ago, and I’d give anything to wash his clothes again.
– Missing Him
Dear Missing: These simple acts hold so much power in our memories. My condolences.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://on.freep.com/2uA4y5o
Saying Grace: Words of advice for singles and couples
My husband and I celebrated our 15-year wedding anniversary this past week. I can’t believe it has been a decade and a half since we first said “I do.” I am very thankful to be able to say that our love for each other has only grown and deepened with time. We are each other’s best friend, biggest fan and favorite person in the whole world.
I have learned many lessons over these past 15 years, but also realize that the years proceeding meeting my husband and our 15-month courtship were crucial to our marriage’s success.
To all my single readers, young and old . . .
Make growing close with the Lord your first priority. Read your Bible because you want to truly know Him, not just out of duty. Spend time in conversation with the Lord on a daily basis. Pray for your future spouse. Spend time in private worship, what ever that looks like for you. It could be singing along to Christian radio in the car, Bible art journaling, or dancing before Him as you make dinner in the kitchen. Write letters to Him like you would a trusted friend.
Don’t waste your single years. It can be easy to feel as if we are not complete without a spouse when in Colossians the Apostle Paul tells us we have been made complete in Christ. Travel. Serve in your church and community. Find a group of single believers for friendship, discipleship and accountability. Never stop learning. Focus on becoming the right person, instead of constantly looking for the right person.
Know what is important to you in a future spouse and don’t compromise. Because of my mother’s failed marriage to my father, from a young age I knew how important it is to choose a mate wisely. First and foremost, I knew that he had to be someone who had a strong and growing faith in Jesus. Like my former pastor, Lon Solomon, says, “Find someone who is a ‘better’ Christian than you and convince them to marry you.”
To my readers who are currently in dating relationships . . .
Be honest about whether you can see yourself marrying the person you are with. If not, then there is no point in continuing dating them. You are just wasting each other’s time and possibly missing the one God has waiting for you.
Set clear boundaries in your physical relationship. People are always amazed when we tell them that the first time we kissed each other was on the alter on our wedding day. While there is nothing inherently wrong with kissing before you are married, we both felt God leading us years before we met one another to make the commitment to never kiss anyone again until marriage.
I tell people when you set the bar really high and fail, you haven’t truly failed. But when you have no standards or boundaries, you open yourself up to a host of potential issues and difficulties.
Our commitment was and continues to be a blessing in our lives. Before we were married, we were able to focus on getting to know each other instead of being swept up in a physical relationship. It allowed us to be much more clearheaded than we could have been otherwise. Our physical relationship is all the sweeter for having waited and we are able to come to one another without any guilt or shame.
Pray with each other daily. Read the Bible with one another. Worship together. Find a church you can both agree on and attend it on a regular basis. Seek guidance from mature, married believers. True story, Steve and I went to premarital counseling two weeks after we started dating. We felt like our relationship had the potential to be something special and we wanted to make sure we didn’t mess it up. In hindsight, I think our pastor thought we were a little crazy!
On the morning of our wedding I asked the Lord to give me a verse for our marriage. As I randomly leafed through my Bible, my eyes fell upon this verse from Psalm 127, “Unless the Lord builds the house the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.”
Allow the Lord to be the builder and guardsman over your relationship. When you do, you will be able to withstand the tests of time. Steven, I love you with all of my heart and am so thankful and blessed to be your wife. You truly are my favorite person in the whole wide world.
Ben Shapiro: 10 Lessons in 10 Years—What Marriage Has Taught Me | Opinion
This week, my wife and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. We were quite young when we married—I was 24, and she was 20—and a lot has happened since then. I’ve changed jobs several times, she’s become a doctor, and we’ve had two children. Thank God, our marriage is better than ever.
But you learn a few things over the course of 10 years, and now is as good an opportunity as any to offer up some of those lessons. So, for 10 years, 10 lessons.
1. Share Values
Too many people believe that marriage is built on the back of mutual need. In Stephen Sondheim’s Company, the final case made by the main character for marriage is the romantic idea of reaching out in existential angst to another human being.
But that doesn’t set the groundwork to maintain a solid marriage, even during those times when your spouse is driving you up a wall. Instead, base your marriage on shared values; the things you think are important.
Obviously, chemistry matters; so do shared interests. But these are necessary, not sufficient conditions for marriage. Over time, passionate love shifts into companionate love—you’d better pick the right partner for your life journey, someone who wants the same life that you want.
2. Root For Each Other—And Be Willing To Put Skin In The Game.
Your spouse will be the only person in your life rooting for you wholeheartedly. Your victories are their victories; your losses are their losses. But marriages sometimes founder when dreams conflict. Early in our marriage, my wife was still in college at UCLA, and I was interested in taking a job in New York; she dutifully offered to transfer to a college across the country. When she applied to medical school across the country; I offered to move my job.
Those decisions were tough for each of us, but our willingness to make them made our marriage stronger.
Keep up with this story and more by subscribing now
3. Your Spouse Should Handle Their Family
When you get married, you marry your spouse’s family, too. Whatever problems exist with her family, you’ll be inheriting them. But you don’t have to do so. Your spouse’s family troubles are their family troubles, and interfering in them won’t make your life any better. It’s your spouse’s job to protect your marriage from their family; the same holds true for you.
When the Bible says you’re supposed to leave your father and mother and cleave to your spouse, it ain’t kidding.
4. Don’t Expect Your Spouse To Change, But Prepare For Them To Change
When my wife and I were married, we didn’t know each other. That’s because nobody knows each other when they get married—people change over time. This presents two problems.
First, because we know we’re going to change, we expect our spouses to change in ways we like. That’s not how this works. Whatever the flaws you spot in your potential spouse are, they’re generally going to get worse over time, not better—so make sure your potential spouse is self-critical and interested in self-betterment.
Second, prepare for your spouse to change in ways you don’t necessarily like. That’s why betting on values trumps betting on chemistry. Building a life together creates a marriage; building on a solid foundation of values allows you to build a life.
5. Kids Change Everything, So Plan Time For Each Other
Marriage is a merger of two lives; kids turn the object of those lives outward. This means more emotional volatility, less time with each other, and more pressure. It’s deeply important to carve out time with your spouse and to reassure them that they are the most important person in your life—even if your first priority has to be taking care of kids who can’t take care of themselves.
6. Spend On Small Things, Save On Big Things
Money is a major issue in almost every marriage, but people tend to go wrong when they don’t prioritize correctly. You’re not going to go broke going to a movie. It’s something that will make you feel wealthy even if you’re not. You will go broke buying a car, a house, or a boat. Cook at home more, go out for ice cream more, and save your money on the big ticket items.
7. Determine The Purpose Of Important Conversations
Early in our marriage, I discovered that my wife and I had a problem in some of our conversations: She’d want to tell me about a problem she was experiencing, and I’d immediately leap to try to solve it. She found this deeply annoying, since what she really wanted was emotional sympathy and not a solution.
Thus, we have a simple, time-saving trick: When she’s got a problem she wants to talk about, I ask her directly whether this is a conversation in which she wants me to listen, or one in which she wants me to fire off solutions. It actually works quite well.
8. Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Space
Your spouse is still an individual human being. He or she needs some space. That means that you should be able to ask your spouse for some space, too, so long as you’re not shirking your responsibilities. It’s important to spend some time on your own, and it’s important for your spouse to take the kids for a little while to allow you to do so.
9. It’s Your Job
Don’t ask your spouse to do something you can’t do yourself. That means that before you ask your spouse to wash the dishes or take the kids, consider the possibility that you may be better situated to do it. You have no right to expect that your spouse is going to fulfil your every wish, particularly in situations in which you can damn well get off your fat ass and perform the task on your own.
Marriages in which spouses argue over whether duties are split 50/50 fail. Marriages in which spouses both assume they’re responsible for 100% succeed.
10. Let Your Spouse Help You
With all of this said, it’s important for your spouse to feel like you need them—because you do. It’s great to be independent and self-sufficient, but allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open with your spouse is what builds trust and self-esteem in a marriage.
Ten years isn’t all that long a time. I hope in another 10 years, I’ll have learned another 10 lessons. With our kids growing up, I’m sure I’ll learn more than that. But that’s really what marriage is; a learning process.
You don’t know what you’re getting into when you sign up. But if you do it right, marriage is the most wonderful adventure you can take—and the most important decision you’ll ever make.
Ben Shapiro is editor-in-chief of The Daily Wire and host of “The Ben Shapiro Show,” available on iTunes and syndicated across America.
The views expressed in this article are the author’s own.
