Category Archives: marriage advice
“Hey John” Advice: Keeping Cats and Finding Happiness in Marriage
Hey John,
Can you counsel cats? I’m just kidding. But it’s about cats. My son, who is unreliable in keeping jobs moved in with me six months ago. His ex-girlfriend has custody of their son, but he has him every other weekend. Of course, that means I have him every other weekend, as my son still likes to party with his friends, and leaves four year old “Jason” with me. Then there are the cats. He brought his two grown cats with him, but they are mine to feed and everything else. John, I like cats- just not everyone else’s cats. They claw my furniture, and when they are in a bad mood, urinate in various places in the house. Last month my son got a job in a town two hours away. He left the cats with me, as his new apartment is pet-free. I have told him I don’t want the cats, but he gets angry with me and tells me if I won’t keep them, I should just take them out back and shoot them because that’s what the pound will do with them anyway. I’m in a fix. Any suggestions?
Cat Stepmom
Dear Cat mom,
The problem is that your son’s brain is infected with EntitlementMaximus, and you join the ranks of the Frustrated Unassertive. However, you need a solution, not a diagnosis. Entitled people feel like they deserve stuff not because they have earned it, but because they want it. And when they don’t get it, it’s someone else’s fault, not theirs. A potential cure for him might be to ship him off to Calcutta and have him do volunteer work for a year. That seems, however, quite unlikely. It is extremely difficult to change someone against their will. It is possible however to change ourselves. Deciding on a course of action is step one. For example, telling him he now has exactly thirty days to get his pets or you must give them to the local humane shelter. Mark it on the calendar and make the appropriate plans to do it. Secondly and perhaps most importantly: NO BLUFFING. If you can’t follow through, then do not say it. No threats, just action. If you are worried about how to deliver the news, you can preface the call with a compassionate statement such as, “I feel so badly to tell you this, but…” When he argues, be kind, but do not defend your position. You can simply repeat the order. Although the transition from unassertive to properly assertive is a bit unnerving for most at the beginning, it may be one of the most important improvements you will ever do. Take a deep breath, say a prayer (or whatever you do to strengthen yourself) and improve your existence.
Hey John,
Am I being unrealistic in my marriage? We have been happily married for eight years, have two children, and are talking about a third. I know our current and future years are not still the honeymoon period, but I find myself a little less happy than I thought I’d be at eight years. I am the center of our family, and “George” is a somewhat less enthusiastic person. He comes home from work and has less patience with the girls than he should have. I notice the kids gripping about each other in the same manner he does. We share chores better than most couples, and he’s a good provider. However, he is less and less expressive about being with me. The lack of a warm greeting when one of us gets home is one example of a sad change. I don’t need advice on saving my marriage, but making it better. Am I looking at our future: more and more drab? Despite it all, I still love him with all my heart.
Amarillo Annie
Dear Ann,
I have to make an assumption here: y’all planned on this marriage being forever, and not just until you bugged each other too much. When we first begin courting each other, all the special stuff comes effortlessly. Dressing up for each other, going out of our way to please the other, basically working to make the other person know how special they are to us. Then, as our life together progresses, we slip into normal/mindless mode. We stop greeting each other with a loving embrace and kiss, happily making little sacrifices for each other, in other words, we stop trying to impress each other. Years ago, when my daughter got a new(er) car, she had to make the transition from a standard transmission to an automatic. Rather than being pleased with the ease of driving, she expressed her concern: “Daddy, this is kinda boring. I don’t know what to do with my left foot [the clutch] or my right hand [the gear shift] while I’m driving”. She got used to manually shifting gears and liked it. It’s the opposite order with our marriages. We’re on automatic in the beginning by trying to make the other person happy. Then, later, we change to a manual transmission; we have to manually change gears with a little bit of effort. So what’s the problem? If it doesn’t come naturally, we don’t do it?
So specifically I’d recommend having a kind sit-down with each other. Rather than tell someone what they are doing wrong, you can remind them of how much you look forward to seeing him, and you would love to be met with a loving kiss (even a light kiss is better than a wave from across the room). Don’t be scared to lead the way. Sometimes we boys need loving reminders of how to take care of our loved ones. Without being overly demanding, help him to remember how to look out for you. Plenty of older couples lead “normal” existences as good roommates. Personally, I’d rather try to at least infrequently impress my girl, and keep her in love with me.
John Sommer
Therapist in Brownwood
John Sommer has been a therapist since 1977 and has been providing counseling services at his Brownwood facility since 1987. John specializes in assisting clients with a wide range problem areas such as child and adult issues, family, social and emotional issues in juveniles, relationships, and depression. He also works with non-problem areas including prenuptial counseling, marriage enhancement and assertive training. To submit questions for “Hey John” please email: JohnSommerCounseling@gmail.com
Pupils at risk of forced marriage told to put spoons in underwear to set off detectors
A secondary school has been encouraging students to hide spoons in their underwear if they are threatened with a forced marriage.
The Co-operative Academy of Leeds has been working with Karma Nirvana, a human rights charity which runs a telephone helpline for victims of forced marriages and honour-based abuse.
Students were given spoons in educational sessions at the school, and were told to conceal the cutlery if they feared they were being taken overseas to be married.
The spoons would trigger airport metal detectors meaning the child would be taken to one side to be searched away from their parent or guardian.
This would allow the youngster to tell airport staff that they were being forced into a marriage.
Will Bose, vice chair of Karma Nirvana, says the charity’s helpline has taken nearly 70,000 calls in a decade.
The charity, which started 25 years ago, has been working with the Co-operative Academy for about five years.
Mr Bose said: “They are a shining example of how schools should be dealing with this issue of forced marriages.
“They engage with the pupils and help to educate them about how to be aware of this problem and how to get help if they are affected.
“We regularly go in and give presentations to students and teachers.”
“We will give one to roughly 320 students in the auditorium, and then across the next couple of days give two more to around the same amount.
“So by that time we have shared the information with more than 1,000 students.”
Sky News has contacted Leeds Co-operative to ask about their involvement in the work.
They are one of many schools that Karma Nirvana works with nationwide, and their headteacher is a patron of the charity.
Forced marriages involving students tend to take place in the summer holidays when schools don’t have as much, if any, contact with pupils.
Mr Bose said Karma Nirvana started working with a specific project in schools in 2014, but prior to this they ran ad hoc workshops.
They first gave out the spoons advice in 2011 when a 16-year-old girl called from a major UK airport.
She told the operator she was going to be taken to Pakistan to be forced into a marriage.
The helpline worker then told her to go to a restaurant and hide a spoon that would set off the airport metal detectors.
Government figures show that the Home Office’s forced marriage unit gave advice and support in relation to 1,195 possible forced marriages in 2017.
Of those cases, 355 involved victims below the age of 18, while 353 cases were linked to victims aged between 18 and 25.
The unit has dealt with between 1,200 and 1,400 cases each year since 2012.
A law making forced marriages a criminal offence came into effect in 2014, and parents who force their children into one can be jailed for up to seven years.
The Karma Nirvana helpline can be contacted on 0800 5999 247 or visit their website at www.karmanirvana.org.uk.
Dad suggests daughters marry wimps who can accept their 'moody personalities': Ask Ellie
I’m in trouble with my two 30-something daughters because I told them they need to marry a wimp or a low-key guy to have a good marriage.
My ex, her sisters, their father, and my daughters all have strong abrasive personalities. Their favourite expression is, “Am I right, or am I right?”
Despite having good looks, they can’t keep boyfriends for more than a few months.
I told them to each search for an unmotivated guy who’ll accept their moody personalities.
Not a driven career-guy or hard-working man. Those types of ex-boyfriends created too much conflict or drama with my girls.
Instead, they should find a guy who’s been living in the same apartment for ten years or wants to keep the same job for the next 20 years.
They’re the only types who could handle or accept my daughters’ moods, arguments and style (or lack thereof).
Am I wrong to suggest they adjust their expectations, so they can get and remain married for the long-term?
Quiet Low-key Dad
I wish you were having me on with an attempted joke here.
A father should give respectful, supportive, but realistic advice to his daughters, Ellie writes.
If so, I’d say it’s a crummy attempt at humour.
But if this is the actual approach you used to advise daughters regarding choosing life partners, it’s still crummy because of how you describe and communicate with them.
Perhaps they have as difficult personalities as you describe. BUT — unless they share your twisted humour and also accept your advice on face value — you’ve insulted rather than encouraged your adult daughters.
(You’ve also thrown in barbed comments against their mother, plus their close relatives).
If these two attractive women in their 30s are actually seeking long-term relationships, and keep choosing men that have difficulty getting along with them, they need therapists, not wimps.
They need to get beyond the limits of their experience with (alleged) difficult family members and a mocking father, to recognize how their own behaviour patterns affect their dating and romantic relationships.
That’s the kind of respectful, supportive, but realistic advice they should get from a concerned and caring parent.
In your next conversation with them — separately — you can try that.
I’ve been dating my “ boyfriend” for just under a year.
Early in our relationship he didn’t want to commit to labels or being officially together. Over time when he got more comfortable, he agreed we were boyfriend/girlfriend and exclusive.
Now, six months later, I made a comment referencing him as my boyfriend.
His friend made a joke along the lines of, why did I think he was my boyfriend.
I feel like my “boyfriend” is telling me one thing and telling his friends something else.
Sometimes I feel that he’s just with me because he feels like he couldn’t get anyone else. He doesn’t seem to respect my feelings.
If I were to mention his friend’s comment, he’d dismiss me or make me feel like my feelings are creating a bigger issue.
I wish he would break up with me if that’s how he feels.
Girlfriend or Not?
Repeat these next words to yourself: It’s how you feel that has to matter most to you.
You’re not a mind reader to guess at what he’s telling others. You’re a person with feelings that have to be respected. And you’re the person who has to make sure that happens.
Ask him if he’s “ghosting” you from his friends, not acknowledging you as his girlfriend.
If he blames you for “creating an issue,” walk away, period.
He’s the issue.
Tip Of The Day
A father’s scorn can be very damaging to daughters even if they’re adults.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com.Follow @ellieadvice.
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Crush on married boss causes heartache every day for worker
Dear Abby:
I’m 20 years old and have a job in retail. I have been working here for a few years and am in a higher position than most associates.
I’m in a relationship with my high school sweetheart, whom I truly love, but I am also crazy about my boss. She’s beautiful, funny, and to be honest, I jumped at my promotion so I could get closer to her.
I feel terrible because, while I love my girlfriend (she’s amazing), if I were given the chance to be with my boss, I’d have a hard time saying no. Thankfully, my boss is in a long-term marriage, so I know in my head I have no chance, but it hurts to go on every day thinking about her. I’d hate myself if I never told her how I feel about her. What should I do?
— Really Confused in Retail
Dear Really Confused: Because you are excelling in this retail job, consider asking your beautiful, funny, married boss to write a positive letter of recommendation for you so you can find another job in retail — one that won’t make you ache every time you clock in.
Dear Abby: My husband and I have been asked to be in his sister’s wedding. We said yes, mostly out of obligation.
There will be three married couples in the procession. I recently learned that my sister-in-law plans to have the couples split up and walk with others. I think it’s extremely weird and rude, so much so that we want to back out. Neither of us cares to be in a memory book with us posing with other people. It’s not that either of us is jealous; we have been married for 24 years. What do you think?
— Feeling Obligated in the East
Dear Feeling Obligated: I think that before you take offense and back out, you should ask your sister-in-law why she wants to do this. It could be something as simple as variations in the height of the participants and not weird or rude. Between you and me, unless you and your husband feel so strongly about this that you are willing to create a rift in the family, you should go along with his sister’s fantasy of her perfect day.
Dear Abby: I can’t do anything for my 70-something-year-old mom without her thanking me so much it makes me uncomfortable. A recent example: She moved to a new apartment, and I bought her some gift certificates as a housewarming gift. She thanked me profusely via email when she received them. She thanked me again over the phone when I next spoke with her. She’s thanked me at least half a dozen more times — each time she uses one of them.
When my sister and I paid for a trip for her, she bought us expensive gifts as thank-yous. The gifts cost far more than she could afford (and unfortunately, in my case, was something I’d never use), which kind of negated the idea of us paying for the trip.
I know Mom means well. Should I say or do anything, or just let it be?
— Thanks-full Son in Seattle
Dear Son: If you say something, you risk embarrassing your mother or, worse, hurting her feelings. I vote for just letting it be.
