Relationships Talk

Sorry to interrupt your newlywed bliss, lovebirds, but here’s a PSA: Before you say “I do,” you should not just talk about your personal commitment to your loved one, but also to money. As you start to merge your life with your chosen partner, it’s important to discuss if and how you are going to merge bank accounts.

Here’s expert advice on how newlyweds can blend finances the right way:

When to combine

There is no one answer about whether or not you should combine all your money. Every person grew up with a different relationship to money and has a different comfort level with sharing it. Some couples like dumping everything into a communal fund, others like keeping their checking accounts separate as they open up a shared savings account. You’ll need to talk about your vision of who pays for what. Recognize that the main advantage to getting a joint checking account is that it helps everyone in the relationship stay on the same page about mutual life goals.

Do you want to go on an awesome vacation to Thailand? Do you want to buy that nice car or send your kid to summer camp? The paychecks and 401K contributions do not lie. When you both can see where the money is going in and pouring out, you learn to hold each other accountable. You get a reality check of the lifestyle you can afford together.

“Generally speaking it’s good to have three accounts: a yours, mine and our account. So you have the joint account for mutual goals — we’re saving for a down payment on a home, we’re trying to get a car, whatever — but then you have your own account that you could spend money freely on smaller items,” Beth Kobliner, personal finance expert, advised Marketplace. “I think marriage in some ways, and this sounds very unromantic, is a catalyst for getting your personal finances together. Looking over everything: Do I have too much credit card debt? How do I cut back? And this is the time to talk openly about it.”

Above all, before you plan a life together in wedded bliss, you should learn to be comfortable with talking about money. Ask each other who is responsible for paying bills each month and for paying off individual debt. Is your partner solely responsible for paying off their student loans? A successful money marriage means you have discussed three major money drains: “paying off debt, starting an emergency fund and creating long-term savings plans,” Karin Price Mueller at the Consumerist wrote. These can be difficult conversations, but you do not want to be surprised when you discover that your partner has a dozen credit cards down the road.

When to separate

For some of us, it may make more sense to create a separate account for personal use. “If one partner is carrying a lot of debt or has mismanaged money in the past, a degree of separation can provide a sense of security for the other person (at least until the debt is paid off),” Jaimie Mackey advised in Brides.com.

This choice may also be generational. A Bank of America study published this past winter found that Millennial couples are more likely to keep separate accounts than couples of previous generations. For Millennial couples, the top source of fights was finances. Millennials may be keeping their finances separate to dodge that fight over how to split the bill. “It’s about wanting to maintain one’s sense of identity, individuality, and autonomy,” Fenaba Addo, an assistant professor of consumer science at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, said about the changing trend.

More from Ladders

As Victoria and David Beckham approach their 19th anniversary, the couple is once again battling rumors of trouble in their marriage – and speaking out to squash the speculation.

“Over the years, Victoria has fought hard for her marriage, and for David,” a source tells PEOPLE. “She never gave up when someone else might have.”

After shooting down social media speculation about a divorce, the former model and designer, who shares four children with the soccer star, 43, spoke openly about how she balances her personal and professional life.

“I try really, really hard. I try hardest to be the best mother,” Victoria, 44, said at the Forbes Women’s Summit in New York City on Tuesday, according to Hello!.

“I am trying to be the best wife and the best professional. When I get home I try to put the phone down and spend time with the children and spend time with David,” she added.

“I have the support of an incredible husband,” Victoria continued. “We really are equal with everything we do at home with the children. When I’m away he’s the one doing the school run and doing the cooking.”

Her comments come just weeks after her and David’s rep told PEOPLE that the two were not heading for divorce.

“What nonsense. Journalist Chinese whispers and fake news fueled by social media,” the rep said. “There is no impending statement, no divorce!”

The power couple, who recently attended the royal wedding together, share children Brooklyn, 19, Romeo, 15, Cruz, 13 and daughter Harper, 6.

The duo met in the Manchester United players’ lounge in 1997. David was playing for the team at the time, but had not yet become one of the team’s most recognizable stars.

Victorian and David Beckham after their engagement

PA Images/Getty

He has said he knew Victoria was ‘The One’ before even meeting her in person. While watching a Spice Girls music video on TV, Beckham proclaimed to a pal: “See the girl in the dark short dress? I’m going to marry her.”

The designer echoed her hubby’s statement: “Completely love at first sight. He told me he went home and wrote my [telephone] number on so many other things in case he lost it.”

The duo married in a lavish 1999 wedding at an Irish castle, and despite often praising each other in interviews, they went on to endure speculation about the state of their union for nearly two decades.

“We’ve had our ups and downs,” she admitted to Vogue in 2013, adding, “but we’re so proud of each other.”

Two years later, the former Spice Girl-turned-fashion designer said she had effectively learned how to tune out the haters.

“I have never listened to, or commented on, the rumors about any aspect of my life,” she told Grazia magazine in regards to murmurs about a split.

David Beckham and Victoria Beckham at the MTV Movie Awards in 2003.

Kevin Mazur/WireImage

“I am blessed to have a wonderful husband and beautiful, healthy, happy children,” she continued. “Yes, we travel a lot with our respective businesses and charitable commitments, but we always make time for each other as a couple and as a family. David and I have nothing to prove. We love each other, look out for each other and are strong as both partners and parents.”

She also spoke about how much she admires her husband. “My husband constantly inspires me and guides me – he has done so much good work,” she said of the man who serves as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador. “I look up to him and have the utmost respect and admiration for all that he has achieved.”

RELATED VIDEO: David Beckham Is Moved to Tears After Son Brooklyn Surprises Him for His 43rd Birthday

In 2016, Victoria included some marriage advice in a letter addressed to her 18-year-old self published in British Vogue. “In marriage: have patience. Bite your tongue. Be supportive. And preserve a bit of mystique,” she said.

“Never let yourself go completely (at least brush your hair, clean your teeth, have a bit of a brow going on because you will always want him to look at you and feel attracted),” Victoria added.

The Beckham family.

David Beckham/Instagram

Last year, the couple renewed their vows in a relatively private ceremony. In an interview with BBC Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs, David opened up about the special day, while also admitting that “marriage is difficult at times” as he and his wife continue to work hard at their relationship.

“We have renewed our vows since [our first wedding],” said David, who didn’t elaborate on when the ceremony took place. “It was a lot more private, about six people there in our house.”

The former soccer star said the secret to their 18-year marriage is making his relationship with Victoria a priority and working together through any hard times.

“We’re a strong family unit. We’ve got strong parents. We were brought up with the right values,” he said. “Of course you make mistakes over the years, and we all know marriage is difficult at times. It’s about working through it.”

He added, “We know each other better than anybody. People have talked about, ‘Do we stay together because it’s a brand?’ Of course not. We stay together because we love each other, because we have four amazing children.

“Do you go through tough times? Of course. That’s part of relationships. It’s part of marriages. It’s part of having children. It’s part of having responsibilities.”

Earlier this month, as rumors of a split began to circulate on social media, Victoria sent her “love” to David on Instagram with a photo of Harper.

“Morning cuddles x So much love 🙏🏻 We love and miss u @davidbeckham 💕💕💕💕,” she wrote in the caption.

Although I’m not allowed to plan our son’s wedding, I’m happy to offer the bride and groom a few tips.

June 2018Philip Gulley

My wife and I were married 34 years ago this month, but we’re too busy helping with our son Sam’s wedding to celebrate. Sam and his fiancée, Kelsea, are getting married in Danville, but reside in Georgia, so some of the preparations have fallen to us. More accurately, they have fallen to my wife, who has given me strict instructions to keep my distance from any and all arrangements. I have to be involved a tiny bit, since I’m conducting the service, but even then my wings have been clipped. I’ve already been told I can’t wear my favorite motorcycle T-shirt, the one that says “The Police Never Think It’s As Funny As You Do.”

I’m fond of the two women who grace my sons’ lives. They laugh at my jokes and forge my sons’ signatures on the birthday cards they give me, which is the mark of true love. I sign my wife’s name right and left, on medical documents, checks, lines of credit, tax forms, parole papers. She does the same for me. In our 34 years together, this convenient fraud has saved us countless hours.

Marriages are like fingerprints, no two are alike, so it seems unlikely my sons’ marriages will be anything like mine, which suits me fine. There are, after all, lots of ways to be happily married. My wife and I, after trial and error, have discovered a pattern that works for us. It’s a simple arrangement, built on the premise that I can spend Saturday mornings at the Roachdale Hardware visiting Charlie Riggle, as well as purchase the occasional motorcycle, so long as I make room in the garage for her car. The other half of our garage is the clubhouse for my motorcycle gang, the Quaker chapter of The Sons of Silence. It’s a men’s-only club, by virtue of the fact that no self-respecting woman would be caught dead in the place. This is another key to a happy marriage—clearly stated boundaries, mutually respected.

That Kelsea decided to get married in Danville and not Georgia makes me love her all the more, but then I always look favorably upon people who save me from driving a thousand miles. Their wedding is only a half-mile from our home, at Mrs. Blanton’s old house, which was given to our town after she died, along with 80 acres for a nature park. When my boys were little, I convinced them an Indian named Screaming Eagle lived in Mrs. Blanton’s woods by hiding arrowheads under trees, then “discovering” them while on hikes with my sons. I know I shouldn’t have called Screaming Eagle an Indian, but it would have seemed odd to tell my 3- and 5-year-old sons that an “indigenous person of the Americas” lived in Blanton Woods.

Like many young people these days, Sam and Kelsea met online. Though they only lived a few blocks apart, they inhabited different worlds. Sam was serving as a medic at a training camp for the Army Ranger program, and Kelsea was studying elementary education at the University of North Georgia. They probably wouldn’t have met were it not for the internet. Their first date was lunch at the Smokin’ Gold BBQ in Dahlonega, Georgia. It turns out a lot of marriages are launched at barbecue restaurants in the South, where men, seduced by the ambrosia of the grill, confuse the sensation for love. When my son told us how they’d met, he seemed embarrassed, though I’m not sure why. I know couples who met while drunk at Indiana University, so I see nothing wrong with finding someone on Match.com. Not everyone can be on their knees praying for God to send someone they can marry, then look up and see their future wife walking down the sidewalk carrying a baseball glove, like I did. My life is one act of humble piety after another.

Having felt positively exotic when I married a woman from Paoli, I never imagined one of my sons would wed someone from Georgia. That state might not be the buckle of the Bible Belt, but it’s easily the hole on the belt that gets all stretched out of shape when too much flexibility is required of it. So you can imagine my joy when I learned Kelsea was one of these wacky Southern Millennials who believes in universal healthcare and free public education through college. I can’t wait until they have children so I can sit the little ones on my lap and tell them stories about Eugene V. Debs, then sing them to sleep with a round or two of “Solidarity Forever.”

After their wedding is over and my son and his wife have returned to their Georgia home, my wife and I will celebrate our anniversary with a motorcycle trip through the back roads of Kentucky and Tennessee. We might even make it as far south as Georgia, and drop in on the newlyweds, which I’m certain they would love. In fact, I’m surprised they haven’t suggested it. Then again, they’ve been busy planning their wedding, so the lack of an invitation is probably a simple oversight. Plus, the first few years of a marriage can be difficult, adjusting to life with another person, so maybe we’ll extend our visit and give them the benefit of our experience, offering a pearl of wisdom here, an observation there. I’m confident I speak for all parents everywhere when I say how rewarding it is to help our adult children navigate their personal lives.

One has all sorts of hopes for one’s children when they strike out into the world, but when Sam left for the Army, I was heartsick, thinking no good could come of it. We were mired in Iraq and Afghanistan, two conflicts I fervently opposed, and I was sickened by the thought of my son, and the sons and daughters of others, dying in a rash and pointless war of empire. Instead, in the capricious way of militaries worldwide, he was sent to live in a charming Southern town, fell in love with a young woman of inestimable common sense, who will salvage the family name I have tarnished. We Gulley men have a knack for marrying people who set about smoothing the waters we have roiled.

Even though I belong to a motorcycle gang, I’m a softie at heart, and I hope I don’t cry during my son’s wedding. In my mind, he’s still 3 years old and sitting on my lap at the kitchen table, his hand in mine, tracing letters with a crayon. Then, it seems like the next day, he joined the Army, and the boy I used to see every day is now a man who lives 541 miles away and I’m lucky to see him three times a year. Every night, while lying in bed, I think of him and his brother, who lives so close I can hear his cows bawl when they’re separated from their calves. It is a sentiment I thoroughly understand.

Tags: Advice, Back Home Again, Column, Gulley, Marital Advice, marriage, Phil Gulley, Philip Gulley

Dear Carolyn:

At a work happy hour, a male co-worker groped me. He later “apologized” with the qualification that I had been sending him mixed signals.

I’m married, he has met my husband and I’ve never led him on. And when it happened I was incredibly clear that it was unwelcome.

Regardless, I was afraid to tell my husband, irrationally, because I thought he’d blame me. When he found out a year later because he overheard a female friend ask me about it, he was incredibly supportive, but also wounded. He was sad that I didn’t trust him enough to tell him about such a traumatic experience.

Now I’m trying to rebuild trust but he keeps saying he thinks there must be “entire parts” of my life that he doesn’t know about. This is the only thing I didn’t immediately discuss with him. Any advice for how I can work toward restoring the trust I have damaged?

— Telling

Wait a minute. You were that afraid he’d blame you? What’s up with that?

And, really, what’s the difference between his blaming you for your own assault and his blaming you for not telling him about your own assault?

Either way, you’re the one who had some guy’s uninvited mitts all over you and you’re the one “trying to rebuild trust.”

Siblings can’t call shotgun faster than I’m calling BS on this.

Your husband had a choice here. He could have said, “Wow, I’m stunned you didn’t feel you could trust me” — and then felt sadness about that, sure, but also seen that as a sign that maybe HE had some work to do on himself. You read him as a potentially punitive force in your life, not as a supportive one, and did so reflexively after “such a traumatic experience.” That was an impression you formed on your own, yes, but one he formed over your years together and through his own actions.

If your treating him as potentially punitive was completely unfounded, then his distress would have been justified and I could see his pointing out how you had been unfair. I can also see his accepting an apology as the end of it, though, which you presumably gave? And not losing sight of the fact that you were the victim here.

But look at your letter. He’s hanging on to this, escalating it, making it all about you, and basically calling you a liar and/or a sneak — and again, not stopping to think what moved you to choose as you did and what he might have done to lose your trust.

So, yeah. Your hunch that he’d respond punitively sounds like a direct hit, a rational fear that’s being validated right now by his behavior. I’m sorry.

Dear Carolyn:

I am afraid I may be a controlling mom of my young adult daughter, but we have a dynamic in which she seeks me out often, solicits my advice, and makes me too important in her life. I admit to offering that advice because it is hard for me to draw a line between healthy support and presence, and wanting her to see and do things how I wish she would, i.e., controlling. All I want is for her to be healthy and happy. And for me not to be playing a role in an unhealthy dynamic.

— L.

How’s this: Stop telling her what to do!

Fits on an index card.

In Sharpie.

With room to spare.

Yes, I understand it’s not that easy, or you’d already have done it. But the difficulty isn’t in finding this path — it’s in making yourself walk it.

That’s always easier, though, when the path is clearly marked and well-lit and you know exactly where it leads.

So. Index card, Sharpie: Stop telling her what to do!

Advice Columnist Carolyn Hax takes your questions and tackles your problems.