Category Archives: marriage advice
Old-fashioned advice: No dating until age 16
Q: Our 15-year-old daughter has told us she’s in love with a 20-year-old guy who is in the Army and intending to make the Army his career. We’ve met him, and he is extremely respectful and well-mannered, and has told us he’s in love with her. We’ve made it clear to both of them that for the time being at least, they may meet in our home, when we are home, and nowhere else. He is fine with that, he says, and seems sincere. Our daughter, however, is not fine with that. She wants the freedom to see him whenever and wherever. She says we don’t trust her, which is only half-true. Even though he says he doesn’t want physical intimacy until he’s married, we know from personal experience how easy it is for young people to get carried away. Her emotionality over this (along with the fact that we actually like him) is causing us to think that perhaps we should allow some meetings away from our home. What are your thoughts?
A: I don’t have thoughts about this issue; having a daughter who was once a teenager, I have but one thought: NO!
Full disclosure: I am very old-fashioned about most things male and female. I do not think teens should be allowed to date until both are 16, for example. Why 16? I have no defensible reason, actually. Sixteen just seems like a good, albeit admittedly arbitrary, number.
Furthermore, if I was doing the dad thing today, any male courting my daughter would first have to come to our home several times where they could watch television together or something equally exciting (not to mention he would be required to have a long and rather purposefully intimidating conversation with me about matters of life and death) before he’d be allowed to see my daughter without adult supervision. Then I’d set, at least initially, a curfew of 10 p.m. on non-school nights. There would be no curfew on school nights because they wouldn’t be seeing one another on school nights. And so on. In short, I would be Daddy De Infierno, and proud of it.
It’s one thing when both parties are about the same age; it’s quite another when one is a dependent child (who has not reached the age of consent) and the other is an adult. The fact that he intends to make the Army a career is certainly in his favor, but it can also be used to everyone’s advantage.
Specifically, you might consider mentioning to your daughter’s suitor that if he initiates or participates in any problem behavior with her — or you even THINK he has done so — that you will make a visit to his commanding officer. That should virtually guarantee good behavior, assuming he is truly serious about making a career of military service.
Having said all that, I’ve known or know of a good number of older married folks who began dating when one was a young adult and the other a minor. In and of itself, the situation is not a recipe for certain disaster, although it often ends up that way. And by the way, based on the conversations I’ve had with these folks, I’m reasonably sure they would agree with the safeguards I recommend.
These days, when I have the opportunity to advise a young woman concerning marriage, I always advise that she marry a somewhat older guy who is verifiably responsible, mature, and is not living with his parents (or in digs they have provided). Since that describes the fellow in question, I’d be inclined to restrict but not stand in the way of a relationship.
Need I say I believe in the old “ounce of prevention”?
Ask Amy: Overseas lover pressures woman for quick marriage
Dear Amy: I am in a long-distance relationship with a lovely man whom I met when we were in school.
After graduation, he had to return to his country of origin because he could not get a work visa.
He is unhappy with his work, and wants to quit, move here, marry me and work on getting his visa while I support him financially.
The problem is that I have two kids and a very low-paying job at the moment. I can’t support him, and he can’t work here without a visa.
I’m content to have each of us work at our respective careers until I can either actually support him financially, or until he reaches a point in whatever career he chooses that he can get a work visa here in his own right.
Is it reasonable that I don’t want to jeopardize my financial and career future when it feels like I might be enabling him to commit career suicide?
He has said that he might have to look for jobs in other countries, etc., and I understand this and support him in doing what he needs to do. The way I see it, if he gets a job in his chosen career path, it will make him more employable anywhere, including where I live.
I don’t want to be unsupportive, but I have finances and children to consider.
Does this sound reasonable? Wondering
Dear Wondering: Yep, you’re good. Your guy seems to be dangling the prospect of him moving here and entering into a convenient marriage while you support him, as if it were a shiny bauble, instead of a very heavy lift.
Your reaction and plan of action is prudent, reasonable and responsible. Stick with it.
Couples are sharing the healthiest thing they ever did for their marriage.
Though each marriage is a completely different experience for each couple, personal experience can really helpful.
So when a recent Reddit thread posed the question, “What is the healthiest thing you’ve done for your marriage?”, forum users were quick to share their advice whilst also accepting the advice of others.
“I learned two phrases. 1. ‘Listen to understand, don’t listen to reply.’ 2. ‘It’s you both VS the problem. Not you VS them.’ Game changers.” Reddit user Kristaboo14 wrote.
Another user also noted communication to be one of the most powerful tools required in a marriage, where it decreases the likelihood of anger festering.
“Mentioning small things before they become big things. It’s something I really wish other people wouldn’t get so damn defensive about, because it makes both me and my husband way happier,” EthanEpiale said.
“I write down one thing I love about my wife every single day. Even on days we argue, it forces me to think of something good about her. Made a book about it for our tenth anniversary. She happy-cried,” HawaiianShirts wrote on Reddit.
We’re happy crying too, HawaainShirts.
Is there something on my shirt? via GIPHY
But as much as showing continual devotion is important, so is giving each other space.
“Having our own lives. You don’t own each other. It’s healthy to have your own friends, nights off, parties, hobbies, etcetera,” hail_the_shitpope said.
Others had slightly more tangible tips for a smooth sailing marriage. See, as Reddit user Campin_Buddy believes, cleaning, or lack thereof, can be a huge reason to stir up a fight.
“Hire a house cleaner. Absolutely worth every penny,” they said.
Then, Reddit user Gludius chimed in with this nugget of advice:
“Sex. Lots of it,” they wrote. Ah yes, there’s always that!
Divorce is not the end: La Mirada man hands out advice for single dads
Maybe he connects with readers because he’s been knocked so low.
Cut to Valentine’s Day, a rainy evening in 2000. David Elliott of La Mirada flies from Southern California to Michigan to see his fiance for a romantic dinner. He’s going to stay with her for a week and make some wedding plans. She’s wearing the engagement ring he’s given her (and, for which, he is still making payments).
He looks into her eyes, and she says …
“I’m sorry, I just can’t do this.”
Wait, what? “She dumped me at dinner,” said Elliott, who is now 44.
Elliott cracks up when he tells that story. That’s the kind of guy he is. He laughs at himself.
He’s also the kind of guy who, after he finally found love, got married, had a child and got divorced, would start his own advice website called singledadsguidetolife.com. As of this week, he has 4,860 followers. He writes about stuff that makes him laugh, from cookie recipes to fake news to Hollywood gossip to amusement park tips.
If you keep reading, you’ll see his top five pieces of advice for single dads.
By day, he is a mild-mannered librarian at the La Habra Public Library.
In his free time, he’s a voluminous blogger. He’s got crazy headlines like: “Ariana ‘Donut-Licker’ Grande Leaves Boyfriend With Substance Abuse Problem To Date A Pothead With Borderline Personality Disorder. Makes Perfect Sense In La La Land” and “Do No Harm: A Review Of How To Not (expletive) Up Your Kids Too Bad.”
“I’m just a dad who’s dealing with divorced parenting issues,” Elliott said.
Finding his way
He went to Whittier Christian High School and he was good at math. So he thought he was going to grow up to be an engineer. Then the recession hit in 1991 and it didn’t look like there would be engineering or accounting jobs.
“I felt like I was a little bit lost,” Elliott said.
So he went to Berkeley and studied literature. Eventually, Elliott became a high school English teacher. There was a short detour where he worked as a movie projector operator, but that was just a short chapter of his life.
He thought he was going to marry and move to Michigan. Then the Valentine’s Day debacle happened.
In April 2004, Elliott went on ChristianCafe.com, a dating website. He asked a woman out on a date. She gave him an address so they could meet.
It turned out to be a laundromat. And she was with her brother. And they went and got something to eat at Jack-in-the-Box.
Elliott kind of liked that.
“I was curious,” Elliott said. “She seemed like somebody I want to get to know.”
The following May (2005), he married her. Their daughter, Bethany, was born April 14, 2006.
In 2013, the marriage fizzled. He doesn’t write about his ex-wife in his blog posts. That sounds like pretty good advice right there.
“We had two different ways of dealing with a crisis,” Elliott said. “She wanted to be alone. I didn’t.”
Outlet for fun
Elliott has Bethany every other weekend and on Wednesday nights.
As he started dating again, he was asked a very interesting question that he had never been asked before. “Can I Google you?” one of his dates asked.
The date was with a woman who was a blogger.
“She asked if I blogged,” he said.
They only dated once, but David Elliott’s life was changed.
He started reading all sorts of blogs about parenting and single lifestyle. He especially liked “Single Dad Laughing” by Dan Pearce. The website says, “We have a lot of fun around here.”
“I loved his openness and his vulnerability,” Elliott said.
Elliott wanted to have fun, too. So in January 2017, he started writing four blog posts per week.
When readers found him, “They said, ‘You’re funny. You have a voice.’”
He wrote about his love for eggnog and the movie “The Greatest Showman” and Star Wars. He wrote a guide for how to buy dads Christmas gifts – the top item being the completely impractical “Skywalker 12 Foot Jump and Dunk Trampoline.” That list also includes a meat thermometer, a desktop slingshot and a beer bottlecap display.
He’s got a sense of humor.
“My daughter finds me funny, but I’m still her dad,” Elliott said. Translation: His 12-year-old daughter tolerates his jokes. “My ex-wife hasn’t told me word-one about my blog. I have no clue whether she knows I do this or not.”
‘Dad humor’ and advice
Almost five years after his divorce, Elliott is seeing someone again. Guess what she does on the Internet?
“She’s been blogging longer than I have,” Elliott said.
Her name is Nessa Martinez and her website is BeautyGabbers.com.
“I think he’s a great storyteller,” Martinez said. “His writing has been really story-driven, and that’s where he excels so it’s fun to read his take on things. After knowing him for some time I can say his sense of humor has grown on me. He’s a dad, so he does excel in dad humor as well.”
And businesses have begun to notice he is growing an audience. He’s heard from Tommy John underwear, Legoland and Knott’s Berry Farm. He’s been invited to movie screenings.
The income from the blog is just beginning to trickle in.
“Ultimately, I’d like to earn some sort of income,” Elliott said. “But I’m just starting my journey.”
And if you’re a single dad, Elliott wants you to know something. “You’re not alone,” he said.
Here are his five top pieces of advice (and, this time, he’s not being funny):
- Spend time with and love your kids.
- Find a new self – something you love about you.
- Don’t de-value yourself, especially to your children.
- Don’t cut yourself off from the world.
- There is something positive about spending time alone, especially if you use that time to grow.
