Relationships Talk

We first connected on Myspace over a decade ago, and after meeting in London in 2008, endured four years of long distance between Hawaii and the UK. And, as soon as we started dating, we knew marriage was on the cards for us. Unfortunately, the laws didn’t move as fast as our love for one another.

When we got engaged on a beach in Hawaii in 2011, same-sex marriage was not legal in the US. So, we had an intimate civil partnership ceremony in the UK a year later. We wore matching cream Ted Baker dresses and pink heels, and let’s just say this confused the registrar greatly.

As much as we loved our civil partnership, we didn’t have the same legal protection as married couples, and wanted to legally be wife and wife. In 2017, after it became legal in the UK and US, we decided to get married. And with that, the planning officially began for a destination wedding in Palm Springs, California.

Yes, everyone knows planning a wedding can be (*is) stressful, but oh girl you’re in for a surprise with the issues you encounter when there’s two brides! From being constantly asked, “Who’s the bride?”, to double costs, and trying to navigate heterosexual marriage traditions. But don’t fear, we’re here to impart our advice on getting through these challenging times. If only we’d known this before!

“Who’s the bride?”

You’d think wedding vendors would know better than to ask which one of you is the bride, but nope… be prepared to have to answer that question, a lot. Yes, you may even be walking around a wedding fair holding your fiancée’s hand, and you’ll still be asked it! Be brave, bold and answer, “We both are!”

We believe that visibility is key to education. So, not only will this make them realise how daft a question it is to be asking in 2018, it’ll mean you’ll get the right treatment in response. If you don’t, then you know that it isn’t the right wedding vendor for you. Take your fabulous selves elsewhere. Bye Felicia!

The cost

Oh sweeties, I bet you have an excel spreadsheet of all of your costs, or a figure in your head? Double it. Triple it. Sure, we all know weddings aren’t cheap but when you have to get two engagement rings, wedding bands, dresses (or a fabulous trouser suit), heels, hair and makeup, then you’ll be looking at hell of a lot of money. We often joked, ‘Can it not be two for the price of one?’ and in all serious hoped that someone would look us in the eye and apologise for the ridiculous costs applied to the brides. But nope.

Oh, and let’s not forget the tiny little details in the décor, when you both decide that, yes, you really do need the personalised napkins, flowers everywhere you turn, and candy floss in the champagne.

Once we saw what all those little things were adding up to, cost-wise, we did try to cut down a little. Seeing that grand total really helps you to realise what you can live without. Just don’t forget the flamingo floatie (or something you’ve been obsessing over for a year), and then cry when you realise it would have looked great in that one shot. We’re over it… just about. Maybe get a friend/bridesmaid/best man to remind you of the little things you really wanted.

Wedding traditions

Setting out, we hadn’t really given too much thought to what heterosexual marriage traditions we wanted to incorporate. However, we soon learned that trying to mesh it with our relationship just did not work. In fact it totally backfired. Learn from us, and do just what feels right for you.

Choosing your dresses or outfits

When it came to choosing our wedding dresses, we attempted to stick to tradition and not see each other’s beforehand. We actually filmed as the first lesbian couple on Say Yes To The Dress UK. Whitney, being the decisive one, said yes to her first dress. After trying on 25 dresses, Megan finally found her ‘yes dress’ by Dando London. Fast forward six months to our fittings, and when we stood next to each other, we looked like we were going to totally different weddings. Our dresses were totally different colours and styles.

This was just three weeks before we were flying out to America for the wedding – cue a breakdown from Megan, with Kim Kardashian tears (all caught on camera for SYTTD). Luckily, Megan’s dress designer Christine Dando, had one in stock that was beautiful and had matching details, but was different enough to match our personalities.

“Two brides walking down the aisle is double the expectations, fun and oohs and aahs. At not one, but two brides in beautiful outfits. Experience has taught me that brides to be are best advised to ‘shop’ together,” Christine says. “Convention can be left to yesteryear. When there’s a male groom, a suit is not going to ‘fight’ with any bridal outfit. When there are two dresses, the desire is to achieve a harmonious and cohesive look.”

Choosing gowns or outfits from the same designer will make sure they match, as they’ll often have a particular look that follows through the collections. We strongly advise for you to consider choosing your dresses or outfits together to compliment one another, and to ensure it looks like you’re going to the same wedding!

The lies that are OK to tell in a relationship

Having a bride tribe

You can have whoever you want. Whitney chose to have a best man, and Megan had a maid of honour. We chose to only have a bridesmaid each as we had learned from other’s weddings that it gets way too stressful when there’s too many involved, as well as the cost for all the extra dresses, suits, heels etc. You’ve already got double the cost for yourselves! Pick those nearest and dearest, and those that care for you will understand.

Walking down the aisle

You can go together holding hands, down two separate aisles at the same time or one after the other. We chose to walk one after the other, and we did ask both of our mothers if they wanted to walk us down the aisle as well as our fathers, but they wanted to watch from the front row. We also wanted a mother/daughter dance, but they felt too embarrassed. Sometimes even if you want to change tradition, other people don’t want to, and that’s fine.

Getting ready separately

Tradition is that you spend the night apart, and do not see each other until the ‘reveal’ or ceremony. Initially, we decided to get ready separately. Then on the day, it made no sense to be apart so did it together, which made for a beautiful moment. You should do what feels right for you.

Picking LGBTQ+ friendly vendors

Even though same sex marriage is legal, you still want to ensure whoever you pick to help plan and execute your wedding vision is 100% supportive, and understands the differences that LGBTQ+ marriage brings. As we were having a destination wedding, we definitely needed a wedding planner (and highly recommend getting one regardless, they’re worth their money, trust us!) We were lucky to be recommended COJ Events in Palm Springs. Not only could we instantly tell from their photos that they planned beautiful weddings, the owners are a married lesbian couple. They were ecstatic to be working with us, and were so supportive and great. They took away all of the stress and pulled off the wedding of our dreams.

It was recommended we find photographers that had already photographed a same-sex wedding, so they would fully ‘understand’. However, we were so glad that we ended up being Lovers of Love‘s first lesbian clients. We Skyped them before deciding if they were the right fit, and got on like a house on fire so knew they were the right choice.

“Hire someone who gets you, whose work you love but also whose energy you vibe with,” says Dana Dorn, of Lovers of Love. “You spend a whole lot of your wedding day with your photographers so don’t overlook personality differences.”

Another lesson we learned was not to be afraid to go with our gut, and cut a vendor if you don’t feel like they’re 100% on-board or really care about your wedding. We decided to change our florist/decor supplier and we were so happy that we did. Instead, we had someone who was enthusiastic for our wedding and wanted to make our dreams a reality, which she did!

And lastly…

Make sure that you don’t get too caught up in the stress of the planning, and try your best to enjoy every moment – as long as the day reflects you as a couple, and your love. Everything else will fall into place and it’ll honestly be the most loving and fun day of your life.

Follow Whitney and Megan, aka Wegan, and on their blog What Wegan Did Next, their YouTube channel, Twitter, Instagram or Facebook.

Click here for more LGBTQ+ content on our dedicated channel

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