Relationships Talk

Newly weds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have been given some sound advice by a Devon great-grandmother who has celebrated her 60th wedding anniversary.

Wendy Plumridge, of Newton Abbot, says if they always talk to one another and don’t let things brew, they too might find themselves enjoying a long, lasting happy marriage.

Last Thursday Wendy, 77, and her husband Alf, 80, celebrated their diamond wedding anniversary.

Wendy and Alf in their younger years

Although Wendy has described their life as having been hard, she also says it has been a good one filled with love and happiness.

She said: “Alf has given me a lovely life and a wonderful family. We are lucky in so many ways.

“The secret of a long marriage is just being there for one another and always knowing when to say sorry.”

Together Wendy and Alf have five children, 14 grandchildren and 24 great-grandchildren.

Although they are still very much in love, Alf now lives in care home because he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and Lewy body dementia five years ago.

Devoted Wendy visits him every day without fail and they still hold hands.

Alf has been living in a care home for two years

Recalling when they first met in 1957, she said: “Her was doing his National Service at Denbury Army Camp in Newton Abbot.

“I have always lived in the town and met him at a local coffee bar. I thought he was a bit of a ladies man. He came up to me and asked if I would like to go to the cinema and I said yes.

“I can’t remember what we watched but it would have been a musical as we used to love watching them.

“We got on really, really well. He was always a happy chap and we just clicked.”

After five months together, Alf proposed when he was demobbed and two months later they got married at Newton Abbot Registry Office.

Wendy recalled: “We had no money in those days so we stayed at my grandparents farm for the weekend before Alf started work delivering farm food for animals.

“We lived in the spare room of a woman’s house in Kingsteignton until we could get our own two-bedroom flat.”

Alf enjoys outings with his family

They went on to have five children and at one point had four children aged under five, with three years between the two eldest.

Alf, who worked for mining company English China Clays for nearly 30 years, had two other jobs to make ends meet. Wendy also had a cleaning job.

Wendy said: “It was pretty hectic and we had a hard life, but everything was worth it.

“As we never had any money we used to walk from Kingsteignton to Teignmouth in the summer just for an ice-cream and would walk home again.”

Alf has been living at Mapleton care home in Newton Abbot for the past two years.

Alf and Wendy with one of their many grandchildren

Wendy said: “It’s hard for me having to come home to an empty house, but it’s even harder seeing him like he is now.

“He was so happy-go-lucky all the time. Nothing seemed to phase him and he was so good with the children.

“He still remembers us so we are very lucky in that respect. But he’s not very well at all and he can’t do much for himself. He used to love gardening and was always whistling. He would also do anything for anyone.”

Their 60th wedding anniversary was celebrated with a ‘little do’ at Alf’s care home, and their daughter arranged a romantic diamond themed dinner for two at her house.

For gifts Alf bought Wendy a necklace and earrings, and she got him clothes.

Wendy said: “He knew it was our anniversary but he wasn’t well on the day as he had a very bad chest infection, but is getting better now.”

Grateful for all that she has in life, Wendy added: “We have a wonderful family who have always been there for us.”

Paying tribute to the great role models their parents have been, their son Paul said: “Despite hardships brought about by having little money, they gave their five children everything they could. Their love and parental guidance moulded us all into the people we are today.

“Even in adulthood, their love, support and guidance has never diminished.

“Now in the twilight of their lives and health, it is their children, grandchildren and great children who support them both.

“We thank them and we are proud of them. We send our deepest respect and love in return.”

For all those years that my wife and I have been together, I have never forced her not to do the things that she enjoys doing. She has the freedom to go where she wants without me following her around and questioning her whereabouts.

Couples with over a decade in happy marriages share with VIVIANNE WANDERA the secrets behind their seemingly successful unions.

1.  Moses Mogeni and Faith Wanjiku. Married for 12 years

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“Give each other freedom” 

For all those years that my wife and I have been together, I have never forced her not to do the things that she enjoys doing. She has the freedom to go where she wants without me following her around and questioning her whereabouts.

“Help each other do chores”

We do house chores together; cooking, cleaning dishes and bathing our babies. And now our sons love helping out with chores in the house.

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“Foster independence”

My wife has financial freedom and doesn’t have to look at my pockets every now and then when she wants to get herself something,  and we both chip in on our family expenses. 

“We are partners in every sense”

My wife is my partner. We have a partnership and not ownership where I treat her like she is my property. Respect has been one of the biggest basis of our marriage. Understanding both our roles in the marriage. We value our extended family but have never let them come between us.

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We have had some cultural strains along the way but we always found a civil way to take care of the issues and find common ground for everyone involved. We appreciate each other irrespective of our different situations and above all, we love each other and we have always put God first in everything we do.

  “Don’t argue when angry”

We avoid heated arguments where things that cannot be taken back are said and instead we talk when we have both calmed down. 

2.      Tilomai Ponder Blyth and Cris Blyth. Married for 13 years

 “Don’t change into new beings after marriage”

The single most important thing to keeping a relationship exciting is to keep doing the things that you did when you were dating.  For us, it was staying up late, watching movies, discovering new places to enjoy and making time to be with family and friends.

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We still do this. Cris and I met while working at a leading visual effects company in Los Angeles called Digital Domain, where I had just been recruited to launch a broadcast marketing department and Cris was a fast rising visual effects director.  It was definitely not love at first sight.

He struck me as being a brash, hot headed creative with a Scottish accent and he claims I came across as bossy and ‘large and in charge.’  Well, nothing has changed.

 “Accept each other’s differences”

 The  individual traits that we initially found off putting, have become the very attributes we admire most about the other.

” Create your own life hacks”

We have three:

1. We are never allowed to have a bad day on the same day- each intuitively picks up the other when things get rough.

2.  Give each other space to think or do nothing at all.

3.  Wine and chocolate should flow freely as needed.

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3.      Mike and Joyce Gathigi. Married for 19 years

 “Don’t let anger fester”

 When you are married to the right person, marriage is an enjoyable journey.   Find an effective conflict resolution system that works for you, do not let the sun go down with your wrath.

“Speak your partners language”

Discover the language of love for your partner and speak it, a need remains a need until its met. Until you love your partner in their language, they remain in need of that love from you.

 “Cover each other’s nakedness”

Resolve your differences  in private. Remember that the relationship is between the two of you and anyone else comes after. Protect each other in public.

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4.   Samuel and Mildred Mbogo. Married for 13 years

” Never go to bed angry”

We have had differences since the two of us have different temperaments but there is no single night that we go to bed angry at each other.

” Don’t compare your marriage to another”

Women, stop comparing your husband with other men. If they were better than him, you should have married them in the first place. Assure him of his place in your heart. Men should also do he same to their wives.

 It is when you realise that your marriage cannot work like your friend’s , your neighbour’s, your parents’ etc that you will begin to enjoy the fullness of happiness in marriage.

Be reminded that your partner is unique and he or she came into this marriage with this special nature to compliment your relationship.  No marriage works like the other. 

 “No secrets”

We have a policy of not keeping secrets from each other. Everything can be discussed; the issue is how you do it. The timing on when to say it is also a factor.

“Touch each other. A lot”

Remain intimate as much as possible. A touch could mean a lot to a depressed mind. Give each other hugs for a goodbye or welcome back or just any act of intimacy that brings those feelings alive.

“Pray”

 Do not forget to pray for your marriage regardless of your religious affiliation. I believe there is a divine power that holds marriages together. 

5.      David and Truphie Sumba. Married for 17 years

“Be friends, no matter what”

When we got married we made a commitment to be friends for life. We had better be friends because marriage is a life time commitment that has its great and bleak moments. 

” Play up each other’s strengths”

We are not meant to be identical but complementary, meaning we each have strengths and weaknesses and should therefore complement each other to make a formidable couple. Bring your strengths to the table, meaning that none of us dominates the other, but rather the situation determines which strength shows up.

“Practice forgiveness”

Marriage is the one place where thorns and being pricked is common and hurts the most. However, my spouse is not my enemy and all our irreconcilable differences can be reconciled, only if we each truly forgive and love each other. You become a better person and spouse as you forgive, for everyone needs forgiveness.

“Have fun together”

  Delight each other, never tire in having fun, enjoying each other company, laughing and learning how to improve your marriage. We still attend marriage seminars and go on dates. Cultivate it together and you will love it!

WHY ARE MORE MARRIAGES FAILING AMONG THE EDUCATED? A THERAPIST’S TAKE

Marriages have been getting a bad rap lately giving the illusion that they are plagued with boundless problems. Chris Hart, a counselling psychotherapist, explains how to get that awe-inspiring beautiful marriage.

SUNDAY: Is it just me, or is the idea of marriage falling apart these days?
Chris Hart: Marriage is definitely under pressure nowadays, particularly among graduates. Like right now, career oriented individuals – especially women – are often still single into their late 30s. And many will probably never marry, or have children.
They say that’s because modern marriage is so hard, and divorce so common. But a good marriage is still the best thing that ever happens to you. Successful couples are far happier that any other group in society. So the real question is why are some marriages so much better than others.

So what does psychology say are the fundamentals of a happy marriage?
A happy marriage is basically all about attitudes. Because happy couples have very different attitudes to those that are unhappy. Like successful couples have figured out that getting married means a fundamental shift in your viewpoint. From a single’s ‘Me’ to a couple’s ‘We.’

 Relationships only go well if you’re willing to merge your whole life enthusiastically with your partner’s.
 

So, for example, my experience is that happy couples are always completely open and honest with each other, and share every aspect of their lives.

While couples who’re always hiding something from one another, are never truly happy. Good couples communicate well and think like team players. They can truly be themselves with each other, and constantly share everything about each other’s lives, jobs, schedules, problems and goals.

Aren’t there some things you need to keep private?
Yes it is difficult! Most people aren’t honest with anyone at all. Not their friends, their parents, colleagues or children.

And often for very good reasons! But the one person you can be honest with is your spouse – and it’s a wonderful feeling having someone like that in your life.
 

So make sure you choose the right one! Don’t even think of marrying someone who’s secretive about their time or money. Or their friends. Or who won’t talk about their emotions. They won’t change, and your marriage will never truly be happy.
Couples also need to learn to share their thoughts without criticising, or giving each other a hard time. Or telling anyone else. Because if you know you’re likely to get your head bitten off, or worry that your partner might gossip, then you’ll start editing what you tell them. And so the seeds of distrust begin to grow.

But what about being independent? That sounds like you can’t have a life of your own once you’re married!
The idea that you need to be completely independent and autonomous is a real problem in modern marriage. It’s come about because we’re now spending more of our lives living on our own.

And so we get used to doing whatever we want without reference to anyone else. No one ever thought like that in the past, and it creates lots of problems in marriage.
 

Successful couples create a new balance. Their lives are completely shared, but they also do their own thing. They still have their own friends and interests. And spend time alone. But none of it’s secret. You know each other’s friends. And how you’re spending your time.
But that still doesn’t mean sharing every thought that passes through your mind. Like most couples keep their thoughts about their mother-in-law’s cooking to themselves!

But what about people who insist on doing their own thing financially?
That’s a deal breaker, in my opinion. So if financially independence is that important to you, then you shouldn’t marry. Because to be happily married, you need to be comfortable running your finances together.

 That means managing your incomes, expenses, savings and investments as if you were the director of a small organisation. Which is what you are – Mr and Mrs Ltd!
In my experience, nothing but unhappiness comes from keeping financial secrets in a modern marriage.

Though many couples do agree small private allowances for each other, so what she spends on shoes is her business, for example, or what he spends on drinks for his mates. But all the bills, investments and so on are managed together.

Are there any other deal breakers like that?
Oh yes! Bad sex can be a deal breaker, because good sex – lots of it – is the best cement there is for holding relationships together. So make it work for you and not someone else!
 

Few couples realise just how important sex is to a happy relationship. So they don’t make enough time for intimacy. While the best couples always have that little spark going between them.
Not having clearly agreed goals is another deal breaker. Like when to start a family. Or whether to go back to school.
 

Not putting each other first’s another.
Because your relationship must come first in your priorities, before work, friends, parents, your wider family, even your children. Happy couples also need to spend a lot of time together.

Doing chores together, eating together and preparing for bed. Some of that time they need to be alone together, so they can talk over important matters. They also schedule longer times a for themselves. Nothing expensive – maybe just a day when the kids go to see grandma. But that time alone gives them the chance to unwind and reconnect.

Get the lowdown on every stage of marriage, from dating, to fighting, to cheating. Esther Perel pictured. Karen Harms

Editor’s note: On July 30, 1981, a few days after Prince Harry’s mom and dad got hitched, Mike Royko offered the newlyweds a little marriage advice. Thirty-seven years later, upon the marriage Harry and his bride, Meghan Markle, Mike’s advice is well worth revisiting. Each week online, and sometimes in print, the Sun-Times is republishing a classic Royko column.

Dear Prince Charles and Lady Diana:

The trumpets have stopped blaring. The incredible crowds have dispersed. Satellite TV has taken a rest. You two have walked up the aisle in the most publicized and widely seen wedding in history.

And now you are what you are: A young married couple. That simple fact seems to have been overlooked by most of the world because you, Charles, are a future King of England, as meaningless as that title might be. And you, Diana, are going to be a queen or whatever the wife of a king is called. As an American, I don’t keep track of such things.

But I do know that you are a man and a woman and have just entered into – as corny as some may find this statement to be – the most serious arrangement, agreement, contract, relationship, or whatever else someone might want to call it, of your lives. It’s not really important that you, Charles, are a prince and king-to-be. And that you, Diana, are a queen-to-be. What I see is something far more important. You are a couple of people who just got married.

That gives you something in common with all the young lovers, and older lovers, of a world that sometimes seems loveless. You’re really no different from the kid from the Southwest Side of Chicago, who is an assistant manager of a pizza joint, and his bride from Oak Lawn, who is going to nursing school. They might not have had the trumpets and the audience of millions. But their vows and their commitment are no different from yours.

That’s because when all the guest have gone home from your wedding; when all the gifts have been given; when all the wedding photographs have been taken; when all the wedding songs have been played; when all the relatives have expressed their optimism or pessimism, it boils down to the same thing: It’s just you and her. Or her and you, to provide balance. It’s the most wonderful thing in the world. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And if you don’t realize that, then you’re missing out on life’s most glorious experience.

That experience is very old. It goes back beyond recorded history. It goes back to some time, before man could write or scratch pictures on walls, when a female and a male found themselves in a cave or in the crook of a tree, surrounded by the dark of the night, giving each other comfort, warmth, and security. This, somehow, became translated into something called love. Nobody is really sure what love is. Shrinks mess around with trying to define it, and just make it sound more complicated that it is. Poets, as neurotic as they are, do a much better job.

I’m not sure what it is myself, except that it leaves you breathless, makes everything else seem unimportant, and can cause you ecstasy and misery and drive you crazy. And also drive you happy. I hope, despite your cool, English manners, that this is what you feel. I hope you both feel crazy and happy.

Be warned: It’s not going to be all kissy-face and patty-fingers and the nibbling of earlobes. There will be times when she’s going to be mad as hell at you. If not, she’s yogurt or you’re a saint. And there will be times when she will drive you up a wall. I hope so, for your sake, or she or you will be about as exciting as a bowl of goldfish. When that happens – yell. That’s right, yell. Tell her you’re mad. And tell him you’re mad. Then get it out of your systems, glare out the windows, breathe loudly through your nostrils, mutter under your breath, take a walk around the block, call a close friend and complain about how impossible he or she is. Sit and brood about how you got yourself into such an impossible relationship. Daydream, if you must, about the perfect man or the perfect woman you could have had.

Then call it a day, say you’re sorry, go to bed, hold each other in your arms, do whatever else is called for, and wake up at the first chirp of the birds glad to be alive, and with each other. You’ll find that to be one of the sweetest moments of your life. Almost as sweet as awakening at 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning and seeing the other lying next to you, the moonlight playing on the other’s body, and reaching out and gently putting your hand on the other’s hand.

I must warn both of you: You aren’t going to spend the rest of your life, Charlie, lean, youthful, and clear-eyed. And you, Diana, are not always going to have that fresh, ripened-on-the-vine look. One of these days, Charlie, you’re going to be shaving and you’re going to look and look again and say: “By George, I have a receding hairline. And I have bags under my eyes. And a trace of jowls. And my waist seems to be damned near as big as my chest. Can I be getting old?” And you, Diana, are going to step out of the shower and notice that the proportions of your hips, your waist, and your etc., etc., are no longer as perfect as they are now. And you will have crow’s feet in the corners of your eyes. And the sheen of your skin will be something more like the texture of cottage cheese.

But if you haven’t become fools, she will say to you that you are even more handsome now than you were before; and you’ll tell her that she’s more beautiful and desirable than she was then. And you’ll mean it. And if you mean it, then it will be true.

You are really lucky, you know. Not because you’re young and rich and famous. Those are strictly fringe benefits. You are lucky because, I assume, you are in love and are beginning a life together. And that’s more important than anything else you do, your work, your place in history, or the opinions, approval, or disapproval of others. Now when you’re down, someone will take your hand and help you up. When you’re crying, someone will dry your tears. When you’re frightened, someone will hold and reassure you. When you’re alone, someone will tell you you’re not. That, young prince and young lady, matters more than all the ringing of the bells and the blowing of the trumpets. It’s something almost everybody wants, and not everybody has.

So kids, good luck and don’t blow it. And remember: Squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom.

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