Relationships Talk

John Aiken, is a relationship and dating expert featured on Nine’s hit show Married At First Sight. He is a best-selling author, regularly appears on radio and in magazines, and runs exclusive couples’ retreats.

Every Saturday John joins 9Honey exclusively to answer your questions on love and relationships.

If you have a question for John, email: dearjohn@nine.com.au.

If you missed last week’s column, it’s here.

Dear John,

A friend of mine recently found out she was cheated on by her boyfriend of three years. She had no idea anything was going on and it has crushed her.

However, she doesn’t want to leave him. Even though his cheating included sleeping with multiple women (one night stands while he’s out with the boys) and lying to her on numerous occasions about it, saying he slept at his friends’ houses, he promises her he has changed so she wants to make it work.

I feel like if he has lied to her about all this cheating, he will lie to her about wanting to change. Am I being a bad friend for not supporting her staying with him? Can a cheater actually change? He says he will do anything but I feel like that’s just another lie.

I’m scared if I tell her my opinion she will hate me, but I feel like I need to. What should I do?

‘I’m scared if I tell my friend my opinion she’ll hate me’ (iStock)

You’re right. In my experience, if you do tell her more about her cheating boyfriend, she’s very likely to turn against you. Particularly when she’s been crushed by his cheating and she still wants to stay and see if he changes. It’s so frustrating to watch, however she’s aware of what he’s done, and she thinks it’s in the past. The best option now for you is to hold your tongue and support her and her choices. It’s going to end very badly, but you need to let her find this out for herself.

I realise that this is a very challenging approach to take with your friend. You want the very best for her and you want her to be treated with respect by her boyfriend. I totally understand. However, she’s in love with him and wants to stay with him regardless of his betrayal. She genuinely believes he can change and wants to give him another chance.

So if you think telling her about the full extent of his cheating will change her mind you’re wrong. If you do this, she’ll very likely side with him, and you’ll lose your friendship with her. Instead of helping her, you’ll be shut out from her relationship and you’ll lose your connection with her. If she has to choose between him or you, she’ll go with him every time.

So don’t fall into the trap of telling her about the betrayal and then encouraging her to leave him. Instead, hold your tongue and be a supportive non-judgemental friend. Listen to her fears and frustrations about him, but don’t give her advice or suggestions. Instead just listen and wait. In time, she’s going to see that she can’t trust her boyfriend, and he’s not changing any time soon. Be patient and remind yourself that she knows about the cheating already and she has chosen to stay for the time being. When she’s ready, she’ll move on and you want to be right by her side when she does this.

Dear John

I have been with my partner for a year now and we having been trying for a kid at his request.

However I have made it quite clear I want to get married or at least engaged soon. We even brought the rings, however he says yes then no and continues to mess with my head in regards to it.

All I keep getting told is that he does not want to be pressured to make a commitment and make the same mistake as he hasn’t even got divorce yet, however he is happy to have a baby with me and whenever I bring marriage up I get cut off and it ends up in a fight.

All I can see is that he wants me to be his baby’s mamma but not his wife.

‘All I can see is that he wants me to be his baby’s mamma but not his wife’ (iStock)

You need to take a harder approach with your partner when it comes to marriage and kids. At the moment, he’s meeting his needs and he’s ignoring yours. You want marriage and commitment, and he wants to avoid this and go straight to having a baby. It seems one sided to me, and if you don’t put your foot down, you’re going to miss out on what you really want from him.

My big worry with all of this, is that he’s very hot and cold with you. He says ‘yes’ to getting engaged and married, but then backs out of this and he still hasn’t completed his divorce. Not only that, when you try to pursue the conversation with him, he shuts it all down and you end up fighting. At the end of the day, you’re right when you say his actions tell you he only wants a baby mamma and not a wife.

So it’s time to draw a line in the sand. You need to make this very simple for him. There will be no more unprotected sex until he’s divorced and he’s put a ring on your finger. It’s needs to be very black and white. You’re in love with him, you want commitment and a family, so he needs to step up. Once he’s followed through with this, then you can start trying for a family.

Now considering what you’ve said about his usual reaction to this type of conversation, he’s going to likely get angry and try to put it back on you. Be strong. Stay calm and make this his problem. If he wants kids with you, he needs to be divorced and get engaged with you. Simple. Then leave it over to him. He’ll then show his true colours. He’ll either step up and meet your needs, or else kids won’t be coming along in your near future. It’s time now to take your power back and observe what he does.

Dear John

I’m a 45 year old man who is going through a significant issue. It’s the disintegration of my 8 year friendship with my female best friend.

I am separated with two teenage kids and she is married with two young kids.

For the last two years we have owned a business together which through ups and downs is starting to thrive after finalising the acquisition of a small business in July. Over the years we have travelled, enjoyed each other’s company, our kids know each other. Being best friends we have often messaged each other with jokes and pictures of our kids and what we are doing.

The problem is that at the start of the year, her husband who has anxiety issues, issued my friend with an ultimatum to not have any male friends because it prevented him having a connection with her… So now in august the entire business was handed over to her, I have been banned from messaging and only work emails are responded to, have been asked for all my business contacts and forgiven all my investment.

Eight years of friendship and $300k disappeared overnight all because I’m male.

Is this common, normal, is there anything I can do??

I miss my friend and all the plans we had. My kids miss my friend also. Is it all just gone?

‘I have been banned from messaging my best friend’ (iStock)

I’m not going to lie to you, this is what typically happens when a someone in a relationship has to choose between their partner or their friend. In your case, your female friend has been asked by her husband to cut you out of her life completely, both business and personal, and you’re now on the outer. It hurts and seems so drastic, but she has made the decision that her marriage is more important than you. So it’s time to suck it up and accept that she’s no longer going to be a major player in your life.

The most important thing for you now is to change your mindset around this. At the moment you sound hopeful of something changing. That perhaps there’s something you can do to re-kindle the relationship you have with her. You can’t. You now need to accept this. Her husband has spoken. He’s given her an ultimatum and she has chosen to cut you and your kids out of her life moving forward. There’s no room for discussion or negotiation. It’s done.

I realise this will be painful to hear. I’m sure you’ll find this unfair and unreasonable. I get it. But it’s done. She has had to follow this course of action to save her marriage. It’s not personal. He has anxiety issues and he wants to cut all men out of her life so he can focus on re-connecting with her. It’s not just you, it’s all men.

So it’s time now to move on. Embrace and accept her decision and cut all ties with her and her kids. You’re going to grieve and experience ongoing pain for some time over this loss, but don’t hang on. Instead, focus on creating new friendships and pursue new business interests, and understand that sometimes decisions will be made outside of your control that you don’t like, but you’ll have to accept. She’s gone, and now you need to set your sights on creating a new chapter in your life.

The opinions expressed in this column are for general informational purposes only, are based on limited information and are not professional advice. You should always seek your own professional advice for your circumstances. Any actions taken are the sole responsibility of the reader, not the author or 9Honey.

Megyn Kelly’s elopement with NBC was a marriage that almost nobody wanted to see work.

Her new colleagues at the network resented the $20 million annual salary she reportedly collected upon arriving at the network in 2017. Today show veterans viewed her new show, Megyn Kelly Today as an interloper that succeeded only in garnering worse ratings than an existing show in the Today franchise (Today’s Take) in the network’s line-up. Liberals and centrists found outrage in a conservative media star from the Fox News Channel being rewarded with a prestigious broadcast slot. Many fans of her old Fox show wished her ill for having so aggressively questioned Donald Trump in a Republican presidential debate, and some of her Fox colleagues had it in for her for turning against Fox News founder Roger Ailes, the man who made her a star, in her memoir.

Story Continued Below

The only person Kelly had in her corner was Andrew Lack, the NBC news division chairman who hired her. But after committing her “blackface“ gaffe this week, Lack’s support wasn’t enough, and the Kelly-haters have gotten their wish. Even though Kelly apologized on air—she seemed close to tears and the audience gave her a standing ovation—the network has killed her show. “Megyn Kelly Today is not returning,” an NBC spokesperson told USA Today on Friday. “Next week, the 9 a.m. hour will be hosted by other Today co-anchors.”

That Kelly’s morning show was doomed from the start should have been obvious. The successful morning shows have long depended on female hosts who know how to play the role of America’s sweetheart. But Kelly’s journalistic strengths—she can be a tough interviewer—did not stretch in that direction. Her iciness, which often worked to her advantage in night-time performances in front of a conservative audience, chilled morning audiences as viewers saw through her attempts to warm or soften her image. Beyond the blackface remarks, Kelly’s miscues weren’t that egregious by contemporary standards—the biggest rap against her was that she offended Debra Messing and Jane Fonda with her bluntness. (Apparently, it’s not considered courageous journalism to ask about a woman’s plastic surgery.) Had a Regis Philbin or a Kelly Ripa done the same, they could have drawn on the goodwill of their audience to tide them over. Flailing in the ratings, Kelly had no such reserve on which to draw and paid the price.

Could it have worked out differently? Perhaps NBC didn’t take into account that the majority of the morning audience had only a vague idea who Kelly was when the network injected her in their morning routine. Perhaps if it had given her a softer landing by first assigning her guest slots on the regular Today show and dispatching her to other news programs, the network could have acclimated viewers to her relative brittleness. When NBC signed Kelly, its seemed like that was the plan. It fashioned a starring role for her—a Sunday magazine to call her own and a place in election coverage and other news programming. But the magazine flopped and Kelly failed to make much of a mark in the network’s news line-up. The only consistent item in Lack’s a-star-is-reborn rollout was the morning show, and that wasn’t enough.

Kelly’s failure was not entirely her fault. The news networks have a long history of raiding their competitors for talent and attempting to turn the raided talent into bigger stars. CBS News stole Katie Couric from Today and tried to turn her into an evening anchor. ABC News stole Barbara Walters from Today and Harry Reasoner from CBS News and tried to turn them into an evening anchor team. They all failed—if by failed you mean did not set their network’s ratings on fire.

TV star power is a delicate thing and cannot easily be transplanted, as I wrote in 2017. Couric, Meredith Vieira, Jane Pauley (another one-time Today star) and Anderson Cooper—all genuine TV royalty—bombed when they attempted to move their personas into a daytime TV slot, or in Pauley’s case, a different daytime slot. For reasons of personality or familiarity, audiences did not take to them. One advantage they had over Kelly was that their shows were not so intensely hyped, so their cancellation got little notice outside the industry.

Can Kelly’s career come back from her brainless blackface comment? As MSNBC Joy Reid learned after her old homophobic blog posts were uncovered, TV fans can be a forgiving lot. Whether NBC can forgive her is another matter. If Kelly seeks steady work, all she needs to do is find a way to reconnect with her old night-time audience that doesn’t demand sincere smiles from its hosts. But seeing as that old audience belongs to Fox and she burned that bridge, that’s not an option. Kelly’s best hope is that Sinclair Broadcast Group finally gets it act together and starts competing in earnest with Fox. Faster than you can sing “Together Again,” Sinclair could rebottle that old magic by hiring Kelly and fellow Fox veterans Bill O’Reilly and Greta Van Susteren.

Crazier things have happened.

******

Where should Kelly go? Send ideas via email mail to Shafer.Politico@gmail.com. My email alerts want a cooking show. My Twitter feed seeks a role as the host of Firing Line after the current and second host flames out. My RSS feed refuses to go on TV.

It’s almost time for The Real Housewives of Atlanta to return to the small screen and the show is getting some new blood in its eleventh season by adding Shamari DeVoe to the cast.

The latest lady to nab a peach should look familiar because she has been in the business for years. As a member of the nineties girl group, Blaque, she also snagged a role on the cult classic Bring It On, alongside her bandmates Brandi Williams and the late Natina Reed. 

Now, she has her sights set on reality television and we caught up with her to find out what we can expect when she going the cast of the hit Bravo series.

5 things to know about ‘RHOA’ newbie, Shamari Devoe

“I felt like it was time for the world to know who I am as a marriage ambassador and a recording artist and a family woman It was time for a change and I decided this was a great opportunity.space“> Of course you have some reservations but sometimes you just have to go out and look at the bigger picture. The world will get to see my family and hear my testimony,” she told TheGrio during an exclusive interview. 

Fans will get to see Shamari DeVoe balance life as a wife and mother to one-year-old twins with her mission to help couples stay connected as a marriage ambassador.

“We’re on a journey to save marriages and have healthy relationships and help to heal families which will impact the community. We don’t get paid to do it. We do it because we have a passion for it,” she explained.

“Being a marriage ambassador lets me go out and help people heal their marriages and save their families. We offer advice and provide the tools needed to maintain a strong relationship. Today, it’s so hard to stay married and there’s no one telling you what to do. We are there to help because we have gone through our own issues and trials ourselves. Now we are going out and doing events around the country like the Married For Life Walk where couples walk two miles holding hands, reaffirming their love for one another.”

Shamari says she’s not worried about the “reality TV curse” when it comes to her relationship with her husband, Ronnie DeVoe of New Edition.  

“It was never a thought in my mind. We keep our marriage on a very firm foundation and we have a bond that is unbreakable. There’s no way any reality Tv show could ever break up our marriage. There are so many issues we have to deal with but reality television is not one of them,” she said.

“We are used to being in the limelight and being in this industry and being seen. I’m constantly doing shows every weekend and so is my husband so it’s the normal routine for us. Now it’s just on a bigger platform.”

Ronnie DeVoe will appear on this season of RHOA and so will Shamari’s adorable twins. Fans may also get a glimpse of the couple working on new music together as Me and Mari.

“We have a single coming out called “Love Comes Through” and I’m so excited about that. It’s all about our journey and what we have gone through so I’m excited for the world to hear it,” she says.

Shamari DeVoe is also readying the release of new music from Blaque after securing the masters from a previously unreleased project, Torch.

“It’s just the two of us. There will never be a replacement because Natina is irreplacable. We are releasing our Torch album. It’s an unreleased album that our fans started a petition for us to release. It’s from when we were signed to Elektra Records and we just got all the masters for that project and we are going to put that out as Blaque. It’s very special music because Natina recorded the songs with us. We brought in a DJ for the show because we don’t want to have anyone else do her parts,” she said of her bandmate who dies in a car accident in 2012.

“It’s hard. Natina was our biggest cheerleader and our biggest fan. It’s really hard. She was my best friend. She’s like a sister to me. We feel like we are paying homage to her and celebrating her life by continuing to do what we love and what she loved. Every year, we host huge party on her birthday and that’s coming up on October 28. We have over 400 RSVPs so far. We have a great time. It’s getting bigger and bigger each year.”

Nene Leakes throws epic shade at pregnant former ‘RHOA’ star Kenya Moore

When it comes to dealing with the other women RHOA, Shamari DeVoe doesn’t seem too concerned about the never-ending drama.

“In this group, there are gonna be people who have things to say or aren’t so welcoming of course. You have to stay tuned and see exactly what’s going to happen,” she said. “Being around a bunch of women, everyone is not going to love each other. It is what it is.” 

Season 11 of The Real Housewives of Atlanta premieres November 4 at 8/7c on Bravo.