Category Archives: marriage advice
The Relationship Problem You're Most Likely Having, Based On The Number Of Years You've Been Married
Relationship problems are pretty predictable …
How long have you been married? Determining the age of your marriage, based on which wedding anniversary you’re celebrating, can actually help predict what kind of relationship problems you’re currently experiencing with your spouse — and teach you how to save your marriage from them, too.
Just as there is a list of traditional anniversary gifts by year, there is some commonality to the types of conflict marriages face when they reach certain milestones.
Perhaps it has to do with the different work you do in your lives at different ages. Perhaps it has to do with the model your parents showed you of what a marriage was like. Or perhaps it is just what happens to a relationship as it ages.
Seeing this list may make you feel pessimistic about your chances of making it through the gauntlet of fights that come along with married life. However, knowing about what is “normal” or “usual” can give you a tremendous amount of control and a feeling of empowerment.
Once you’re aware of these major milestone fights, you and your spouse can prepare your marriage to survive them. You might even find a way to ward them off entirely, thanks to this marriage advice!
Here are the 5 most common relationship problems spouses are most likely to run into, based on milestone wedding anniversaries by year.
1. The 2-year anniversary fight
Doubt is your biggest issue.
If you and your spouse are around your second anniversary, you may be doubting your choice of a partner. You’ve just gone through the very difficult adjustment of becoming a “wife” or a “husband,” and you’re looking at your partner with a new perspective.
What you need has become clearer over the past few years, and you’re able to verbalize these needs in clearer ways. The work for you now is to talk through these needs and look for creative ways of getting them met.
2. The 7-year anniversary fight
A wandering eye may be trouble your marriage.
It is true that many couples experience a “seven year itch” around their seventh wedding anniversary, which is also known as the “affair anniversary.”
There are many theories as to why seven is the magic number for a wandering eye — one idea is that this would be when your child (perhaps 6-7 years old) is becoming independent and doesn’t need the caveman protection of a warrior in the house anymore.
Your seventh anniversary is a time to watch for the appearance of your own seeds of disinterest and work on reconnecting both emotionally and sexually with your partner.
3. The 10-year anniversary fight
You don’t feel like you’re being appreciated.
This is usually a blow up over feeling unappreciated and invisible. You’ve had ten years of hard work around building careers, houses, families, and communities together. A tenth wedding anniversary is a natural time to pause, look around, and feel a rush of resentment if there hasn’t been a pattern of gratitude, appreciation, or acknowledgment of sacrifice.
In a marriage, it is not usually both partners that feel this build up or blow up — it tends to just be one person. This can be confusing.
The work with your tenth anniversary is to add gratitude or acknowledgments for daily gifts, chores, jobs or even how well someone is taking care of themselves. Start your sentences with “I notice …” and end with “Thank you.”
4. The 15-year anniversary fight
Apathy is undermining everything you’ve worked to build.
The fifteen-year anniversary fight is not really a fight at all. After 14-17 years of marriage, many couples report that the main emotion in their relationship is apathy. You still love one another, but find you can’t remember what connected you early in the marriage. You feel disconnected and not particularly interested in reconnecting.
These are tough years in a marriage, and the work is to find small ways to connect. For some couples, you’ll need to recall and reenact inside jokes, and for others, you’ll need to find new ways to connect. For many, the work is just to survive this time of marriage knowing that a deeper intimacy is coming.
5. The 20-year anniversary fight
You’re probably wondering what to do.
The twentieth or twenty-fifth-anniversary fight is all about free time. There is usually a retirement on the horizon, or a slowing down in one partner’s life. The struggles are around how to reconnect as life is once again changing.
There is time for travel and more intimacy, but not everyone wants more intimacy right now. If you’re in this stage, you might also be struggling with grief as your parents become ill or pass. The challenge here is to continue the work you’ve already put into your relationship: Continue to talk, connect, reconnect, and share your needs.
Of course, not all couples go through these specific fights.
In sharing this insight, however, perhaps it will inspire conversations and opens doors toward greater intimacy within your relationship.
Ashley Seeger, LCSW, is an experienced couples’ counselor located in Boulder, CO, who specializes in working with couples as they move through life-transitions. For more information, visit her website.
This article was originally published at Ashley Seeger . Reprinted with permission from the author.
Can We Stop Encouraging Women To Be 'Resilient' and Stay In Bad Relationships, Please?
Like millions of people, I enjoy settling in to watch a good show. And while I stan for series like This Is Us, Queen Sugar, and Insecure, I also love grabbing a glass of vino and tuning in to the delicious messiness of reality TV.
As Love and Hip Hop: Hollywood winds down (and the ladies of Married to Medicine continue to argue over trivial issues), VH1 blessed us with a new show to add to our guilty pleasure watch list: T.I. & Tiny: Friends & Family Hustle. Though I was excited to dive in, by the end of the first episode I was dismayed that once again, women are being encouraged — and congratulated! — to put their needs aside and suffer for the sake of supporting their man.
RELATED: T.I. Says ‘Dime Trap’ Album Addresses ‘Challenges And Transgressions’ Of Marriage
RELATED: Tiny Harris On Her Marriage To T.I.: ‘We’re Just Taking It Day By Day’
The couple’s original series, T.I. & Tiny: The Family Hustle, ran for six seasons and gave the world a look at the inner workings of the Harris clan. But this time around T.I. and Tiny are not the lovey-dovey pair we once knew. Instead, they are trying to work on their marriage after tip toeing back from the brink of divorce. Although that would certainly make for compelling TV all on its own, this season the Harris family is joined by their daughter, Zonnique Pullins, and friends R&B singer Monica and her family; writer and Lil Wayne’s ex-wife, Toya Wright; Wright’s daughter, Reginae Carter; and singer and actor LeToya Luckett and her husband, Tommicus Walker.
Given their very public relationship issues — rumors of T.I.’s cheating continue to abound — I wasn’t sure what to expect from the show. But instead of tap dancing around the issue of T.I.’s infidelity, the couple got right into as soon as the episode began when Tiny confronted her husband about a video of him getting a little too cozy with a woman this past summer.
When Tiny asked him why he would do such a thing when they are supposed to be working on their marriage, T.I. tried to use his best Jedi mind trick to wiggle out of the situation.
“I know that you are upset, but not with me,” he told his wife. “You are upset with the people who keep calling you and bothering you.”
If that weren’t enough, instead of apologizing, T.I. went on to blame whomever posted the video to social media instead of taking responsibility for his own actions.
Thankfully, Tiny rightly corrected him, telling T.I., “I’m upset with you. They wouldn’t be calling me if it weren’t for you.”
By the end of the tense moment, however, the couple professed their love for one another as T.I. concluded, “The chemistry of you and I cannot be duplicated.” In a private moment, though, Tiny confessed she wants her husband to start acting like he’s committed to repairing their marriage and fight for her.
Unfortunately, it looks like she’ll continue to wait for that miracle to happen, because when T.I. met up with his friends later in the episode he all but said he doesn’t plan on changing his ways.
“Whatever I am, I’ve been that way from the beginning,” he told his boys when asked if he wants to be with Tiny forever. “I can do this forever, as long as I can remain me forever.”
Prince Williams/Getty Images for PUMA
Translation: I’ll stay with Tiny as long as I can cheat in peace.
Because of T.I.’s commitment to being a f–kboy, I’m rooting for Tiny to start putting her needs and wants above holding on to their troubled marriage. Sadly, some of her friends don’t seem to have her best interests in mind.
Before the episode wrapped, Tiny headed to a housewarming party for Luckett and Walker and somehow the conversation turned to her marriage. Luckett, who used to date T.I. back in the day, said she was “so happy” the couple had put their divorce plans on hold and got back together. Luckett’s friend also gave Tiny props for standing by her man in spite of his many faults.
“Even your resilience toward your family and your husband, people admire that about you,” the woman said. “You’ve stood the test of time. You’ve shown how to stand by a man when it’s not easy. People respect that about you.”
After Tiny confessed that, on the verge of their eighth wedding anniversary, she and T.I. are struggling to make it work, Luckett echoed her friend’s words.
“A lot of people don’t know how to stick with it,” the former Destiny’s Child member said. “And that’s what marriage is.”
Pastor John Gray couldn’t let the moment pass, sharing a quick sermon about “the resilience of the right woman.”
“The resilience of a woman, the right woman, where she can crush you and expose you, she’ll cover you and propel you,” he told Tiny. “I believe that’s what you represent for your husband.”
Here’s the thing, while I don’t advocate couples calling it quits at the first sign of trouble (unless there is abuse involved), telling a woman who’s been repeatedly disrespected by her husband –publicly — that she could be the woman who helps him change his life, so long as she continues to “cover him” while he’s cheating, is not only terrible advice, but it’s also harmful.
As I mentioned on Twitter while talking about the episode, encouraging and praising women for swallowing their own emotional needs and sticking by their trifling partners while they continue to hurt and disrespect them often leaves women broken. But since we live in a society that teaches women to do everything in their power to support, uplift, and hold on to their man (because being single is somehow seen as a failure), few people care about the emotional toll being “ride or die” takes on women.
Whether Tiny stays with T.I is her own personal business, but it’s time to dead the narrative of the long-suffering woman who goes through hell in order for her marriage to survive. From here on out women need to start putting their happiness first. Perhaps then they’ll attract a partner who will do the same.
Kiss & Tell: Advice To A Newlywed Spans A Spectrum Of Viewpoints
Dear Teresa,
What’s your best piece of advice to help make my brand-new marriage last forever?
— Hopeful in Hartford
Dear Hopeful,
We love this question! Happy to answer it again, with new replies. But my best piece of advice? Oh, honey. You don’t want my advice. But the Internet — otherwise sucking the life out of most of us — has its occasional benefits. While I have nothing to offer, many of my online “friends,” as usual, have plenty to share.
From my divorced or single yet optimistic friends:
- Communication is key. (Can we just repeat that one, over and over again? Seriously, it’s so freaking important.)
- Pick your battles. The little things don’t really matter. (Yes, yes, yes.) Go to the mat for the big stuff, like mutual respect and putting your partner first. Be prepared to give 80 percent most of the time, and don’t keep score.
- Have open, honest communication and a sense of humor, and give support.
- Follow the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated.
- Do the crossword puzzle together every weekend.
- “Equal” and “fair” aren’t exactly the same in terms of household chores. Be flexible and generous.
- Blended families can cause added nightmares. Make sure spouses know not to badmouth each other’s kids.
- Maintain your friendships and activities.
- If you make it about you, or her, you’re doomed. If you always make it about US, you have a fighting chance.
- Continue to date your partner. Respect both time together and apart.
- Practice saying “I’m sorry” in front of the mirror.
From the happily married (or at least they look that way on Facebook):
- If something is irritating you or bothering you about your mate’s behavior, have an early, honest and kind-hearted conversation about it. Those things fester and build, and you can not expect your partner to understand their impact on you and attempt to remedy anything unless you discuss it with them.
- Always act like you’re on the same team as your spouse and treat each other with respect.
- You’re not perfect. Don’t expect him or her to be.
- Talk to your partner as nicely as you do to your friends. Kindly ask for what you need, don’t assume they know what your needs are.
- Communication, honesty, compromise. Support one another, and treat each other as equals.
- Haven’t I answered this question before? (Yes, you have, but you’re so good at it!) Admit when you’re wrong. Say you’re sorry. Oh, and separate vacations.
- It’s a marathon, not a sprint. And while marathons can be glorious and amazing, they take training, effort and commitment.
- Every once in a while, look at your spouse as if they were not your spouse — just another person trying to enjoy this one life they have. Being a spouse comes with all kinds of seriousness, obligations and expectations. Looking at them differently just might help you look past all that and have some fun together.
- Pick your battles. If you don’t understand it now, you will.
- Keep a self-deprecating sense of humor. Never take yourself too seriously, and always be the first to apologize. If you can make your significant other laugh in the process, all the better.
- Be sure this is someone you can make happy by being yourself.
- Remember why you picked that person. Don’t complain about them to those outside the partnership.
- If it’s a second marriage or one that involves kids, remember: Kids only get one childhood. Love your kids more than you hate your ex. Don’t force your new spouse onto your kids and vice versa. Always, always, always let the “step parent” be the good guy and don’t badmouth exes in front of the kids.
- Don’t hide things. Money, feelings, “stuff.” Hiding things never ends well.
- Always leave the light on for them. Light the whole way. It shows that you are eager to see them and that you’ve been thinking of/caring about them while they were out. (This is making my heart melt.)
- Always make time for each other, and above all, have fun — lots of fun!
From those jaded and never remarrying. Well, maybe:
- If you need to ask for advice, don’t bother entering marriage. Just use common sense.
- Never believe it’s “just a friend from work.”
- RUN!!
Teresa M. Pelham is a Farmington-based writer — not a certified or registered anything — and is the middle-person between you and free relationship advice. Please send your anonymous love-related questions to Teresa at tpelham@comcast.net.
The Last Word: Rod Stewart on Fatherhood, Jeff Beck and His 'Breaking Bad' Obsession
Rod Stewart may be months away from his 74th birthday, but he’s as active as he was when he was 24. He spent the summer touring America with Cyndi Lauper and he’s back on the road now playing more gigs in support of his new LP Blood Red Roses. Just weeks after that run ends, he’ll be back at Caesar’s Palace as part of his ongoing residency at the Las Vegas casino. Somehow he finds the time to raise his two young boys with wife Penny Lancaster and obsess over Glastow Celtic Football Club to the point where he honestly wants his ashes scattered on their field. We spoke with Rod about love, loss, his complex relationship with Jeff Beck, raising kids and his newfound love of Breaking Bad.
You say on your new album that you can’t even boil an egg. Is that true?
Absolutely true. True, true, true, mate. In the Seventies, it was a different era. We used to have girlfriends we’d shack up with. And then you’d sort of get fed up with them and they’d leave, or you’d kick ’em out. Horrible, but then you realize, “Who’s gonna cook me dinner? Who’s gonna cook me breakfast?” And you find yourself walking down to the local cafe. I’m still absolutely hopeless. I cannot cook to save me life. The last time I tried to make a boiled egg, I had about 20 pans and things out of the cupboard. What a mess. Nothing to be proud of.
Have you ever cooked yourself a meal in your life?
Never. I’ve made a bit of toast and a cup of tea in the afternoon, but other than that, I’ve done nothing. Shameful. Shame on you, Stewart!
Do you ever think about how your life would have turned out if you didn’t develop your singing voice?
Well, that’s the million-dollar question. I don’t know. When I started, it was all I wanted to do. The two things I could do is play soccer, football as we call it here, and sing. I got a chance at being a pro footballer. I didn’t think I was particularly good. I did it because me dad wanted one of his sons to be a footballer. I was the last one, so I gave it a try, but I wasn’t good enough, and it was about the time that I fell into music, so I don’t what I would have done, mate. Christ, that was a scary thought.
What’s the one bit of advice you wish you could give your 20-year-old self?
Probably “Cut back on the drinking.” There isn’t much that I regret. I absorbed all the information I could, all the help that I could, so there’s not much I would change in my twenties. It all went so well for me, from being discovered singing on a railway station, and it just kept going up and up and up and up and up.
But you said you drank too much.
Yeah, we all did. Well, in the Faces we drank a hell of a lot. It was almost like a competition, which one can kill themselves first. No, that’s a bit morbid. It really wasn’t — it was more like which one’s gonna fall down first.
You’ve got two young boys. Do you think you’re a better father in your seventies than you were in your thirties?
Oh, I should hope so. My God. If I haven’t learned the trade now. Children have always been important to me — very important. But I had Kimberly and Sean in the late Seventies when I was considerably in debt, and I had to go out and work a hell of a lot, so I missed a great deal of their growing up. We’ve sat down, and we’ve talked about it. I’ve said, “You know, your dad wasn’t going out, going to parties, and shagging and drinking. I was working me ass off trying to get out of debt.”
I’ve built a lovely AstroTurf pitch for my two youngest boys. One’s 12, and the other one’s seven. We go out there every evening. I try and teach them a few things. That is the most wonderful thing ever, just playing football at my age with your kids.
I read that you just binge-watched all of Breaking Bad.
I don’t even have time for them TV shows, but on our long tour last year I just watched it and just enjoyed it so much. I don’t want to see anything else. People say, “Oh, now you must watch …” I said, “Nothing is as good as Breaking Bad.” But there’s another one now without the main characters. It’s all about Saul, apparently.
It’s really great. You should watch that, too.
Alright. I’ll start watching that tonight.
Who was your favorite character on Breaking Bad?
Jesse Pinkman. He’s just a little shit, but there was something about him that was loyal. He saw through all the bad stuff.
You’re one of the few classic-rock icons that’s not on a farewell tour right now.
Yeah, and I’m also the right side of the grass still, thank the lord. I got in a lot of trouble for slagging Elton off when I maybe should have kept my mouth closed. I was on that program, Whatever Happens Next, where it’s just you get drunk as a skunk. I just said [his farewell tour] reeks of scraping in the money since he’s already said that he’s gonna do more concerts after the 300. I mean, we all have to retire sooner or later, but it certainly is the furthest thing away from me at the moment. I’m having too much fun.
So you’ll never do a farewell tour?
Well, I won’t say never, but I don’t think I’ll do it like that. I haven’t even thought about it, mate. It’ll be a sad day, ’cause it’s been a huge part of my life.
What have you done so far today?
It was a wonderful day today. I’ve got this wonderful indoor swimming pool built here in England. It’s just gorgeous. I’ve spent a lot of money on it, and my two brothers came over today, and we all jumped in the pool. I said, “I bet this is the first time we’ve ever been in any body of water together — the ocean, a pool, anything like it, the three of us.” And it was true. We’d never done it, and my brother, he’s going to be 90 next year. My sister’s gonna be 90 next year, almost. Now the brother’s eighty one, and here he was up and down swimming, and he absolutely loved it. We all looked at each other and said, “Wow, wish mom and dad were here.”
Do you still get the same thrill from performing that you did in your younger years?
Even more so now. What a job I have. I get paid for getting on a stage and singing, sending everybody home happy. It’s not like being a footballer or a sportsman. You can send people home unhappy if you lose, but I’m in a win-win situation. It’s just wonderful.
At what point in your life were you the happiest?
Now. Without a shadow of a doubt, now. I’ve never been so content in all my life. I mean, look at what I’ve got. I mean, apart from the financial side of things, lovely houses, I know that’s all materialistic stuff, but I have the most gorgeous wife, and I have eight wonderful children, and two little ones. It’s just fabulous. They’ll be home from school in a minute. They’re all gonna jump in the pool, and I can’t wait to get in there with them. This is the most wonderful period of my life.
When were you the least happy?
Probably going through the divorce from Rachel Hunter around 1999. But lo and behold, out of the sky came my darling wife, Penny. On the same day that I broke up with Rachel, Penny appeared at the Dorchester hotel. She was dared by one of her friends to go over and ask for Rod Stewart’s autograph, and she did. Talk about a simple twist of fate.
What have you learned about relationships from your many marriages?
First of all, don’t have your arguments when you’ve got a glass of wine and you’re about to go to bed. Wait until the morning. I’m also a much better listener now than I’ve ever been before. I let my wife, more or less, have her own way. You should always talk about things, be able to listen and still share romantic things. I’m a terrible old romantic. My wife and I, when the kids go to bed, we have candlelit dinners every night. It’s so lovely.
Do fans need to let go of this fantasy that you and Jeff Beck are going to one day put aside your differences and make music together again?
Well, my voice and his guitar is a match made in heaven. It would be a lovely thing to do. It’d be a complete lefthand turn. We did try it once, but we couldn’t see eye to eye — I mean, a serious clash of egos, but you know, never say never. I know it’s a cliché, but really, I’m up for it if he’s up for it. The thing is, we both want to produce. That’s the thing.
A blues-rock record with both you guys could be absolutely explosive.
You’re right. You’re spot on. Well, you put it out there, my man. Let me know what he says.
What’s the most indulgent purchase you ever made?
Wow. It would be a Ferrari Enzo. I bought it for $600,000 and now you can’t get one for under a million and a half. I sold it because I didn’t look into the seating situation. My wife being six foot one and a half couldn’t get into the car. That’s why I sold it. I also spend a lot of money on art and a lot of money on private planes going to watch my football team all over Europe. But you know, anybody whose got the money, I bet would do the same thing. Too many of my friends are under the grass now. Just go ahead and enjoy yourself.
Do your young kids like your music?
The one likes a lot of the rap stuff, which is difficult for the listening, too, because it’s so many of the F and cussing words in there, so we have to be careful. The younger one likes Dad’s music a bit, but they’re both hung up on this Fortnite now. Jesus Christ, they are obsessed. “Dinner is on the table.” “Dad, I’m just finishing the game! Dad, no!” I have to say to them, “If you don’t do what you’re told, I’m gonna cut the Internet off from the whole house.”
Tell me about your fitness routine.
Well, today, I was let off lightly ’cause I had a band dinner last night, and we all got well plastered. But I started off in my gym strengthening legs for half an hour with the rubber bands and things around them. It builds the muscle up, and then I went straight to my new pool and did 12 lengths, and I’ll start doing diving. I’ve got a trainer. It’s like the Navy Seals. He throws a weight in, and then I’ve got to go down and get it, swim back with the weight to the other side of the pool. It’s very interesting. I don’t always love working out, but I certainly couldn’t do it if I was left to my own devices.
How much time do you spend on your hair each day?
I can do my hair, wash it, dry it, get it standing up in 10 minutes at the most. It’s real quick. I’m also just lucky I still got it.
