Category Archives: marriage advice
Amy Dickinson: Family member shuns mixed-faith wedding
Dear Amy: My son is getting married in a few weeks. We are Jewish (although not religious), and my son is marrying a lovely Christian girl (also not that religious).
They are having a Jewish ceremony with a reformed rabbi as their clergy.
We parents are very happy and proud.
My nephew on my husband’s side (his brother oldest son), RSVP’d to the wedding that he was not coming “with regrets.”
My brother-in-law told my husband that his son wasn’t coming to the wedding because the son is an Orthodox rabbi (although currently not a practicing rabbi) and he couldn’t possibly go to a wedding of mixed faith.
He sent no card, no well wishes, nothing. And the RSVP card came a week late.
So basically, he chooses his religious beliefs over family, and is snubbing us.
How would you handle this? Should we never speak to our nephew?
Should we refuse to attend any future event that he might invite us to? — Excluded
Dear Excluded: There are ample examples of people of all faiths refusing to attend weddings or other religious ceremonies, for a variety of reasons. The list justifying this exclusion for Catholics is several items long. And even if there are actual religious reasons or justifications for refusing to witness this marriage, declaring this seems less about living out one’s values, and more about shunning people.
This behavior is always about the person doing the excluding, and not about the people being excluded.
It would have been very easy for your husband’s nephew to simply send his regrets regarding this wedding ceremony. Instead, he put the word out that he is actually rejecting their marriage.
There are natural consequences to excluding family members. One consequence is for family members to want to retaliate, or behave as he has. But should you? No.
You should be honest: “We heard from your father why you refused to attend your cousin’s wedding, and we want you to know that we are upset.” That’s it. There is some likelihood that he won’t care in the slightest how you feel.
Dear Amy: My mom has known her best friend “Maxine” for over 30 years.
Even though Mom and Maxine work similar jobs with similar pay, Maxine is financially comfortable due to a family inheritance, while Mom struggles to make ends meet because of poor financial decisions and no planning.
Whenever the two of them go out to eat or to a movie, Mom always expects Maxine to pay for the both of them. Mom says this is because, since Maxine is the one with plenty of money, she should be the one who generously pays for everything. Maxine usually does pay, and Mom never returns the favor.
I’ve told Mom that it’s not right to expect Maxine to always pay. Mom says that I just don’t understand how it works. I disagree.
Of course, Maxine can be generous with her money if she likes, but I think it’s presumptuous and rude of Mom to treat Maxine like an ATM just because she has more money. What do you think? — Distressed Daughter
Dear Distressed: I think your problem with your mother runs deeper than her relationship with “Maxine.” You obviously believe that she has squandered her own earnings; I assume you are worried about her financial future.
Your mother’s relationship with her friend is her own business. Prosperous friends are sometimes quite happy to pick up the check with no hard feelings, financial reciprocation or strings attached.
If you are worried that your mom will turn to you as her own personal ATM post-retirement, then this is an important issue, and in this case, your mother’s choices become your business. If you want to weigh in on her business, this should be your focus. Maxine might not be there forever.
Dear Amy: “Confused in Colorado” was griping about his lady-friend’s babysitting commitments for her kids interfering with their time together as a couple.
He never said that his friend didn’t want to do this, only that he thought her daughters were taking advantage of her.
I’m glad you pointed out that she had basically taken a job and that he should find useful ways to use his time. He sounded selfish. — Active Gran
Dear Gran: I believe that the last-minute nature of some of these commitments was getting under “Colorado’s” skin. Yes, his friend has basically left retirement to work. The two of them should develop a more predictable schedule.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Romanians vote on changing the definition of marriage
BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) – Romanians were voting Sunday for a second day on a constitutional amendment backed by the influential Romanian Orthodox Church that would make it harder to legalize same-sex marriage.
The conservative Coalition for Family initiated the referendum and Orthodox priests during Sunday services encouraged the faithful to vote.
The proposed amendment would change the definition of family in Romania’s Constitution to make marriage a union between a man and a woman instead of between “spouses.” Same-sex marriage is already illegal in Romania.
The Central Electoral Bureau said 11.67 percent of voters had cast a ballot by lunchtime Sunday in the two-day referendum. The vote requires a 30 percent turnout to be valid.
Concerned about the low turnout, Patriarch Daniel on Sunday called on Romanians who hadn’t vote to “vote before it’s too late.”
“We call on you to vote, to have this honor, to demonstrate this freedom and right, and to receive God’s blessing for all his good works” he wrote on the basilica.ro website.
Opponents say the new constitutional language could make LGBT people feel more like second-class citizens and could discriminate against non-traditional families. They also say the amendment is unnecessary since Romanian civil law already says that marriage is a union between a man and a woman.
In the village of Adunati-Copaceni, south of Bucharest, the capital, only 62 people had cast their vote by midmorning out of a total electorate of 1,147.
Priests leading worship at St. Mary’s Church encouraged the congregation to vote. Retired farmer Ana Buturgianu, 69, said she’d heed that advice as did Andrei Aurelian, a 53-year-old cashier.
“The vote is for us and for our children. It’s normal to have a man and a woman, not two men together,” Aurelian said.
But Bucharest resident Marin Soare, 50, who was cycling through the village Sunday, was boycotting the vote, calling it “a waste of money.”
“We already have traditional families in Romania and have done so for 2,000 years,” he said. “And there’s always been same-sex relationships.”
Alex Hartan, 23, a hemophiliac who relies on an electric wheelchair, said he was opposed to legalizing same-sex marriages but thinks the traditional family is not under threat in Romania.
“I can’t vote in any case, as I can’t get into the polling station with my wheelchair,” he noted.
Bride-to-be plans walk down the aisle after dad's death
Dear Abby:
My boyfriend and I are talking marriage soon, and I’m already stressing over who will walk me down the aisle.
I always planned for it to be my dad, but he passed away a month ago. Mom remarried when I was young, but I have never had a close relationship with my stepdad. He mentioned years ago that he’d like to walk me down the aisle one day, but I honestly would rather he didn’t. I don’t want to hurt his feelings or strain our relationship, but I also don’t want to feel like I am replacing Daddy, who I was very close with.
Is it taboo to walk down the aisle alone? Or must I just suck it up and walk with my stepdad for the sake of not hurting his feelings?
— Marriage in
Minneapolis
Dear Marriage: Brides can (and should) walk down the aisle with the companion of their choice. When the bride’s father is deceased, the escort can be her mother or a close male relative. I have also heard of brides escorted down the aisle by their canine companion, which proves that although they say a dog is man’s best friend, it can also be a woman’s.
You are not obligated to have anyone walk you to the altar because the person asks. If your stepfather repeats his request, tell him the truth — that it would be too hurtful because it would feel like he was replacing your father, something no one can ever do. You should also know that these days some women feel being “given away” is an anachronistic custom, and make their way alone to join their groom at the altar.
Dear Abby: My husband and my mother had a good relationship before we were married. But since our wedding two years ago, he complains about her nonstop while pointing out ways that I am like her. My brothers feed into it too. They often have long conversations together detailing her “many” negative qualities.
Recently, while we were visiting my parents’ home, Mom overheard my husband say very critical things about her. She got upset and kind of shut down emotionally and socially for the rest of the visit. We both apologized to her separately, but she said she was tired of being criticized and tired of him being mean to me as well.
I have a history of depression. My husband and I have tried counseling multiple times, with no progress because he feels our problems are “my responsibility.” My husband is a good person, but it hurts me to see my mother upset and to have the two most important people in my life so at odds. Advice?
— Torn in
Dear Torn: I’m glad to offer some, but first you will have to accept that “good” husbands don’t act like yours does. If there are things he doesn’t like about your mother, he should take them up with her directly, not behind her back the way he did. I don’t blame her for feeling hurt. How else was she supposed to respond?
What your husband did was destructive, not helpful. The same is true for the way he treats you. Counseling hasn’t worked because of his unwillingness to accept any responsibility for your problems as a couple. My advice is to talk to a licensed therapist on your own, which will help you to see your situation more clearly than you appear to do.
Pastor Adeboye's wife explains controversial marriage advice
On October 4, 2018, Pastor Enoch A. Adeboye’s wife was severely criticized for a certain controversial marriage advice.
Speaking on day 4 of the ongoing Redeemed Christian Church of God (RCCG) annual youth convention, Mrs. Folu Adeboye said, “There should be no confusion in the house of God. You have to go to your Pastor first to consult for marriage before your parent.”
She immediately got dragged by social media users who felt that parents should be considered first, not pastors.
Later that day, the church’s official Twitter handle uploaded a clip for clarity sake.
According to Pastor Folu, couples need to seek their pastor’s counsel because “there must not be any confusion in the body of Christ where God is leading.”
She backed her point with Psalm 16: 8–11 which says, “I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.”
ALSO READ: Pastor Adeboye’s wife kisses him in public & people go crazy
More marriage advice from Pastor Adeboye’s wife
Apart from this controversial advice, the preacher, who is fondly referred to as ‘Mother in Israel’ or as ‘Mummy G.O,’ had more things to say.
Pastor Folu also encouraged young adults to seek God first, get jobs and be accountable before getting married.
Here is what Pastor Adeboye said about marriage:
The event was themed; “The Indomitable Family.”
