Category Archives: marriage advice
Wife says she needs space, but is separation cruel?
Dear Carolyn: Is a separation cruel? Prolonging the inevitable? In counseling now but I feel claustrophobic, like we can’t have a conversation without the weight of his fear and my frustration overshadowing everything. If I don’t get some space, there’s no way we’ll make it. If I do, we still might not.
I feel I have no choice here – stay in the marriage and make everyone else happy, or leave and make them all miserable. How do you develop your swimming skills when you are sinking in quicksand? Is it wrong to get out and see if you can make your way back?
—Separating
No. It is wrong to act with ulterior motives, but it is not wrong to save yourself first if that is the only way you can envision saving your marriage.
Your calculation is clear – staying will kill the marriage, leaving might kill the marriage – and it says to go. But you can’t take yourself so easily at your own word, not yet. You need to be fiercely honest with yourself about your true goal: Do you want a chance at reconciliation, or do you want out? Both can be valid; this is just not the time to be disingenuous. Or timid.
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Also keep in mind: Whether separation ultimately saves your marriage is irrelevant. You don’t justify the choice through the outcome, but instead through the careful consideration of your present conditions – which sound bad for you and “everyone else.”
If by “everyone” you mean children, too, then don’t assume staying makes everyone “happy.” Kids’ needs are abundant and clear and best served by stability, yes. An intact home, however, can also be unstable; make decisions toward a family that functions emotionally, not just one that shares space. Push through the weight to say what you need to say.
Dear Carolyn: I have three friends, two with money and one poorer. The poorer one borrowed money from both of my richer friends and has not paid them back. She has gotten some money together, and told me she wants to buy her boyfriend an expensive watch for Christmas.
I would like to tell her to pay back our two friends. She doesn’t know that I know she owes them money.
Can I ask her nicely to pay them back or should I just stay quiet? I feel awkward every time I talk to her.
—Pennsylvania
What a seductive question. Its answers are all so simple: You can potentially salvage two friendships just by saying, “Pay them back first.” You can give responsible money advice against frills. You can avoid exposing your friends’ indiscretion just by biting your tongue.
But combined these get complicated, and not just because they’re obviously contradictory; they also involve “fixing” something that isn’t yours to fix.
So make that your true north.
The borrower gets to make her choices and live with the consequences. The lenders made choices, too, and are free to give and receive consequences of their own. As are you: To the borrower’s dubious priorities and to the lenders’ indiscretion, just respond as you see fit. Ignore the impulse to fix.
Unless your friend actually asks you what you think. Then: “If it were my money, I’d invest it – not just throw it away.”
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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Marriage Advice From Top Christian Celebrities
You probably have heard a lot of advice about how to keep a successful Christian marriage. Veteran couples further down the road look back on young newlyweds and offer insight for the challenges ahead. They might say things like “keep God at the center of your marriage” or “pray together each night.”
Being a married Christian isn’t easy, but what’s even more difficult is when you place fame on top of it. Hollywood has never been a fan of faith, yet these celebrity Christian couples are here to show you can make true commitments. Through their dedication to faith, and each other, these couples are proving that God always has things under control. No matter how famous.
Here is how these celebrities have been able to make it last for decades. Their advice will inspire you to work hard in your marriage, and see where God can take you.
Anna Faris' mum told her to be 'selfish in love'
Anna Faris revealed her mother always told her “to be selfish in love”.
The 41-year-old actress – who split from estranged husband Chris Pratt in August 2017 after eight years of marriage – has been giving advice to her ‘Mom’ co-stars and it’s inspired by the wise words of her own mum Karen.
She told ‘Entertainment Tonight’: “I’m always like, ‘Protect your heart!’ My mom always said to be selfish in love… it’s a version of that.”
Anna previously admitted the breakup has left her wondering if marriage is worth it anymore, as she explained she was left trying to discover its “purpose”.
She explained: “I need to figure out what the purpose is. Is it safety for your children? Is it convention? Is it so other people respect your relationship more?
“For me, I’m just not quite sure where it fits, especially when it feels so easy to get married, and then there’s like the untangling in terms of the state getting involved.”
Anna – who has five-year-old son Jack with her former flame – and Chris confirmed their split last summer, as the ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ actor added they were “really disappointed” they couldn’t make the relationship last any longer.
He wrote at the time: “Anna and I are sad to announce we are legally separating. We tried hard for a long time, and we’re really disappointed.
“Our son has two parents who love him very much and for his sake we want to keep this situation as private as possible moving forward.
“We still have love for each other, will always cherish our time together and continue to have the deepest respect for one another.”
Government's plans to introduce 'no fault' divorces will undermine marriage as the 'bedrock of society'
JUST a few weeks before my wedding I was given some heartfelt advice by a close family member.
Marrige is not just an excuse for a good party, it’s for life
“It’s fine for the good times but it makes it harder to leave when you hit the bad times.”
I pondered these words of wisdom for a few moments before replying: “But that’s the whole point of marriage, so you DON’T leave when times are bad.”
Now the Government wants to make splitting up easier than ever, with plans to introduce “no fault” divorces.
Thankfully, I ignored my relative’s unusual brand of marriage guidance and went through with my vows.
Getty – Contributor
It takes a lot of work to make a successful marriage but it is worth it
And despite our fair share of good and bad over the years, my husband and I are still together 11 years on.
It turns out we are not the only ones.
While the number of people choosing to get married is falling, the number deciding to divorce is falling much faster — at three times the rate.
Fewer couples may be saying “I do”, but a heck of a lot less are then going on to say “I don’t any more”.
Divorcee dozen
Despite today’s throwaway, Love Island culture — where we are encouraged to live for the moment and do whatever makes us happy, to hell with the consequences — our divorce rate is now the lowest since 1973.
Only 84 marriages in every 10,000 ended in divorce last year.
That is a 40 per cent drop since the 1990s.
And even when couples do split up, they are waiting longer before they part.
Alamy
Societal stigma of single mums is less now so there’s less pressure to get married
Forget the seven-year itch, it is now the divorcee dozen you should look out for.
This is all good news for the 13million married couples and their families in England and Wales.
After years of being told that marriage is an outdated, patriarchal institution, it turns out it is just as relevant — and cherished — today as it ever was.
Even with an end to the social stigma of unmarried mums, and less pressure on couples to formalise their relationship, more people still choose to wed than choose not to.
Alamy
Most young girls dream of ‘her prince riding up on his white horse and getting down one knee’
After all, no eight-year-old girl ever sat playing with her dolls dreaming of the day her prince rides up on his white horse, gets down on one knee and says: “Do you fancy shacking up with me?”
While the fairytale marriage may not exist in the real world, the truth is that marriage does still matter and, far from being irrelevant in the 21st century, we need it today more than ever.
Couples in the past were forced to marry if they wanted to have sex, or children, or just to escape their parents’ home.
Women, for many centuries, were banned from working outside the house, so had no choice but to marry if they wanted anything out of life.
Alamy
In the past people used to marry if they wanted to have sex or escape their parents — today most marry for love
Today most people marry for love, rather than need.
But of course that means that when the first flames of passion die down, couples need to find something else to tie them together.
Marriage is certainly hard when you live in a “me, me, me” culture where we expect to satisfy our every passing whim NOW and, when we grow bored of our clothes, handbags or iPhones, we just toss them aside and buy something new.
Marriages do not work like that.
Getty – Contributor
Marriage can be difficult but you’ve got to push through the tough times
Never believe anyone who claims their marriage has been a bed of roses from dawn to dusk, day in, day out.
They are liars.
Every marriage has its ups and downs.
My marriage went through very rocky times early on as we struggled with stressful jobs, a new baby, four miscarriages and everything else life could throw at us.
But I am proud to say we did not give up and head to the divorce courts, even though at times that felt like an easier option.
Bedrock of society
Instead, we went to counselling and worked through our problems to get back to the good times.
And we are grateful every day that we did.
Legal reforms in 1969 introduced the “quickie” divorce for adultery or unreasonable behaviour — and led to a spike in break-ups.
The latest proposals for even quicker “no fault” divorces could do the same.
Surely it would make more sense for the Government to focus its time, energy and resources on encouraging married couples to stay together, rather than helping them split up.
Getty – Contributor
Despite the plans, politicians know the best thing for a child is a stable marriage
However much fashions may change, marriage is still the bedrock of our society and the building block of our families and communities.
Do not listen to the politicians and campaigners who dismiss it as outdated and meaningless.
Most of them are married themselves.
And that is because they know that one of the best things a parent can do for their child is to have a happy, stable marriage.
That means putting rings on fingers.
Getty – Contributor
Single parents do an incredible job raising their children alone, but it’s hard to escape the facts
Why?
We all know families where single mums or divorced couples are doing a brilliant job of raising their children, but the facts do not lie.
Couples are far less likely to break up if they tie the knot than if they choose to simply cohabit.
Of course no one wants unhappy couples to be forced into long, drawn-out, acrimonious battles over the family home, finances or the children.
Getty – Contributor
Marriage is not just a ring on a finger, it is a commitment for life
But that is not an argument to make divorce as easy as doing your grocery shopping online.
Marriage is not just a piece of paper or a ring on your finger — or an excuse for a big party.
It is much more than that.
THE SUN SAYS
Corbyn is desperate to overturn Brexit and betray working class Leave voters
ROD LIDDLE
The Labour Party I once loved is dead and now taken over by loony Momentum
LORRAINE KELLY
Criticising Charlie Dimmock for putting on weight is horribly unfair… she still looks great
JANE MOORE
Why entering rehab and not another romance is the best option for Katie Price
TREVOR KAVANAGH
Joker Jeremy Corbyn is one of the few chinks of light to cheer up Tories
The truth is that marriage — for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health — still plays a vital role in most of our lives and we should work harder to keep couples together.
Divorcing ourselves from that reality is not the answer.
Julia presents talkRADIO’s breakfast show every weekday from 6.30am to 10am.
KEY FIGURES
The average UK wedding costs £27,000
42% of marriages end in divorce
40-44 is the most common age bracket for divorce
Average age of women marrying men is 35
Average age of men marrying women is 38
