Relationships Talk

With 68 years of experience between them, three lawyers share their observations on the institution of marriage, and tips on how to ensure a lasting marriage. BY PETER MUIRURI

Judy Thongori

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Expertise: Family law which involves consultation, mediatory services and court cases.

Experience: 30 years

Opposites attract but are they best for marriage?

A key underlying issue that leads to divorce is that spouses have different personalities. It is said that opposites attract but that is only a positive attribute when the opposite personalities are complementary. For example, one mate likes to talk while the other is a good listener. Or one person looks at the finer details while the other sees the big picture. If the personalities are opposite but not complementary, the marriage is likely to suffer great stress.

Lack of common values a red flag

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Another issue that leads to divorce is lack of basic common values.  Perhaps one partner would like to have children while the other prefers not to. A spouse favours accumulating wealth while the other lives for the moment. Another partner has a strong spiritual side and the other is as cynical as one can get. What about the person who values career growth and even continues to study in marriage while the other thinks that career and further studies undermine the family?

Don’t ignore red flags during courtship

I have observed that people usually seek divorce for things that were present even during courtship. Some are excessive drinking, a tight fist, anger, violence, dishonesty, flirting, insecurity and unhealthy familial relationships. During courtship, couples ignore these traits in the hope that the other person will change over time.

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Sadly, all these differences manifest themselves in such marital disunity and infidelity. Then cruelty and neglect result. The marriage had become such a candidate for divorce ages before such physical manifestations of discord.

Divorce common among 35-45 age bracket

Whereas no age group is spared from divorce including the very old and very young, I have witnessed that the trend is stronger among those in the 35-45 age bracket. In my experience, women express marital disharmony sooner and seek solutions. In many situations of marital breakdown, men move on and even start other families while women, by virtue of cultural expectations, are likely to be left with the children and do not move on so easily, thus the need to formally end the relationship.

Establish boundaries between your family and extended families

While healthy parental support is important and should be encouraged, there must be physical, emotional and financial boundaries. Spouses are very sensitive to in-laws. A young mother takes it very seriously when a mother-in-law critiques her child care techniques, home setup or cooking. Parents must remember that they too were not possessed of experience when newly married and need to allow the young couple to develop their own experience with gentle guidance.

Fortunately, I have seen couples reconcile even at this late hour mostly through counseling and mediation. In fact, many who seek legal services express a need for divorce because it is a term that comes easily that comes to the tongue when there is marital disharmony.

James Mangerere

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Expertise: Mediation.  He is the President of the Mediation Training Institute International in East Africa.

Experience: 18 years

More divorce cases from women

In my estimation poor communication skills, financial issues and unfaithfulness are the leading causes of divorce among Kenyan couples. These issues cut across all ages but are more prevalent in the young generation. In addition, I have handled more divorce cases filed by ladies.

Dating red flags

In my experience over the last 20 years, I would say lack of openness about finances and alcoholism are sure bets to looming trouble in the future.  Openness between a couple will lead to less problems down the line.

Sometimes all it takes is time and mediation

When a client has expressed doubts about going on with the case, I give them time to decide. In one instance, together with my colleagues, I helped the parties who were heading for divorce come up with a parental responsibility agreement because their main issue was finances (apportioning responsibility) and alcoholism. They are presently living together and though they still have challenges, I believe they are doing their best to resolve them amicably. Further since I am a mediation expert , I usually advise and or teach   the parties communication skills , negotiation skills and emotional intelligence. I also offer to mediate or refer them to a qualified professional mediator and issues are more often than not settled.

Before deciding on divorce, try mediation it may just work out

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When warring parties subject themselves freely to mediation, things change. The problem that we have is that most couples are conflict incompetent i.e. they respond to conflict destructively and the result is that a simple conflict gets worse. My advice to all couples is that conflicts within couple should not find their way to court . Courts deal with rights, mediation deals with interests of both the parents and the children. The better option is mediation.

Rose Mbanya

Expertise:  Family law and mediation

Experience: 20 years

Squash disagreements immediately

Misunderstandings that are not promptly and effectively dealt with fester and reach levels that are hard to resolve, especially if they involve finances and infidelity. Anger mismanagement, not making time to grow the marriage, alcohol or drug abuse will surely lead a family down the divorce route.

Cross the seven-year mark, and you may be just fine

From my general observations, the seven year mark in marriage seems to be a troubled one. Perhaps it is because the ‘honey moon’ phase is over and the children have come in with their demands among other issues. Those who cross this mark seem to be okay. The other troubled phase is at twenty one years as couples feel discontent because they have ‘done their time’ and they don’t feel it has been worth it.

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Meddling in-laws and money issues plague younger couples

Red flags to divorce manifest themselves differently in various age groups. For example, younger couples will mainly complain about interference from in laws and money issues. They expect better and more intimate moments, the small things that characterised the dating phase of the relationship. Older couples will fight about property, finances with each wanting more power in the family. Then there is adultery with matters coming to head when one party ‘discovers’ another family.

Women initiate divorce more often

Women initiate dissolution more often than men while men get surprised to receive divorce petitions or demand letters. Though not the norm in every case, men deal with discontent in their marriages by getting other partners outside the marriage and leave the first relationship to take its course or die a natural death. Women will vent at home or the church and then initiate the process of freeing themselves from the ‘shackles of marriage’

Parents should leave children to solve their own marital disputes

Parent are necessary in guiding young couples in family life.  However, in troubled times, it is important for parents to allow the young couple come up with their own methods of effectively dealing with their disputes. However, I have seen parents accompany their ‘children’ to the divorce lawyer to make the case for their child.

All family law experts will tell you that before filing for divorce, couples should attempt alternative dispute resolution mechanisms. Such mediation should be done in good faith or with a view of reaching acceptable and less acrimonious divorce processes. And yes, some mediation processes have resulted in couples reconciling. Most will observe that they have been ‘heard’ finally, or that they can now see the other party’s point of view.  However, some may not reconcile in terms of getting their marriage back on track but may agree to putting in place measures that reduce the acrimony such as making agreements on money and property matters, and sharing parental responsibilities.

A reader sent me an email and said, “Biko, I’m getting married this weekend. What is the best advice you can give me about marriage?”

Well, I said, I think I might have written about this some years ago; let me find it. But then I couldn’t find it online. So I wrote him my personal thoughts.

Since sharing is caring, here is an excerpt of those wise words of wisdom.

Rough days

Marriage will get tough. Then it will get tougher. Some days she will drive you up the wall so much you will think that perhaps you made a mistake, that this whole marriage was based on a lie. Those days will come and then those days will pass. Just keep your shorts on.

Smell and scents

Women are like bloodhounds. They keep scents in their heads. They know how you smell even under cologne. If you hug a woman and she leaves her scent on you, your wife will pick it up the moment you walk into the house. She will raise her nose to the ceiling and say, “You smell different.”

You can’t help who you hug, I understand and you understand, but she won’t. Some of these things you will figure out on your own. Sometimes painfully. Just keep your shorts on.

Talking of scents

When you go to eat nyama choma with your friends and you wash your hands with soap but your hands get really dry, don’t borrow perfumed hand lotion from the lady seated at the table. That scent will bring you so much trouble you will not even digest that nyama choma properly.

Remember, dry palms never made anyone lose sleep, but going home smelling of hand lotion will make you lose sleep for days.

One day, many moons after the honeymoon is over, you might be tempted by the devil and get into a very salacious position with a female who is not her. If you continue with that situation she will catch you. As sure as the sun will rise in the east, she will.

Always remember that a woman is smarter and craftier than you. She has a better memory than you. She is better at minutiae than you. She has a bigger capacity for patience than you.

She will also catch you because they are very good at reading patterns and when you break that pattern – often unconsciously – you will be caught.

For instance, if you used to leave the house at 5.09am and start leaving at 5.11am, she will note it, file it and investigate it.

If you study yourself on the mirror two minutes longer than you have the past seven years she will note it, file it and investigate it. You can’t win this. Keep your shorts on.

Save for rainy days. I once interviewed someone who told me that, “Women were not designed to financially support a man for long periods of time because it puts an unnatural burden on them.”

They will support you but they will tire out faster and start resenting you for letting them do the heavy lifting. Then biggest fights you are likely to have in that marriage will not be that you are sloppy and leave things lying about, it will be because of finances.

Soldiers in the field will tell you that there is nothing like “our money.” Well, there is, only it’s your money.

Don’t stress too much about her money, it’s an exercise in futility. Better soldiers have lost that fight. Just make sure you have joint projects and visions with clear financial responsibilities.

The best advice on money in marriage? He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Small things

It’s the small things that make them happy. Don’t bring the whole world to her feet, she won’t notice.

First identify her language of love. They are five. If it’s touch, stroke her neck in public, rub her knees under tables, touch her arms. If it’s words of affirmation, tell her she looks wonderful, notice her new hair, tell her she is queen.

If it’s gifts, then just work hard, my friend because you will be buying a lot of gifts. If it’s quality time, simply make time. It’s the small things that we overlook, never the big things.

There are certain small fights you shouldn’t engage in. Rubbish fights that she will occasionally want to drag you into.

Never rise up to such fights. These small fights mean nothing; they are just fights where she gets to flex her muscles to show you who runs things in that relationship. Let her.

If you ever find yourself in the fork of the road where you have to choose between being right and peace, choose peace.

And peace many times come from just three words: I am sorry. Say it, my friend, even when you don’t mean it. And always remember to keep your shorts on.

I don’t know how you were raised but just be a decent human being. Be a gentleman. Respect her then love her – never the other way round.

Never lay your hands on her. Don’t insult her. Don’t be a jackass. Take care of your responsibilities. Show direction.

Bar advice

There is nothing like a “real man.” It’s garbage. A “real man” only exists in the minds of weak men. We are not homogenous. There is no handbook on how to be a man.

Be yourself. You will fail sometimes, you will get it wrong sometimes, doesn’t make you less of a man.

Also, don’t heed relationship advice from men holding beers in bars. Have a trusted friend. Never be afraid to make a decision, even a wrong one. Also, not knowing something is not a bad thing.

Happy marriage, Daniel. Keep yours shorts on and salimia bibi mpya.