Category Archives: marriage advice
How to Tell Your Wife That You Hate Her Friends
Maybe they’ve said some things that don’t sit well with you. Maybe they tend to bring out a quality in your partner that you just don’t like. Whatever it is, one of your wife’s friends just happens to rub you the wrong way and you want to bring it up. Well, before you do, there are a few things to keep in mind.
Deciding to bring up “that friend” to your wife — the one who, say, ignores you, is mean to you, or does what you perceive to be weird and shady things — is no easy decision. For one, you just might be misreading the situation. For another, your wife might feel offended and such conversations are never easy. This is to say that, there are some things to ask yourself before you even bring it up as well as things to do in the moment that will make the interaction much easier. Because saying “Hey, I hate your friend Susan” is never a good start.
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Recognize When Behaviors Are Actually Weird — And Not Just Annoying.
It might not be great that the friend constantly talks about what’s happening on Kylie Jenner’s instagram account, but that’s not a reason to have this talk. In other words, it’s important to figure out what’s irritating versus what’s genuinely concerning. What falls into the latter? “If a husband perceives that something that the friend says is offensive to him, to his wife, or anyone else, or if the friend acts uncomfortable in the husband’s presence, is standoffish, or shows signs of dislike or distrust,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Weena Cullins.
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Make Sure There’s A Pattern of Inappropriate Behavior.
“There’s a delicate balance between wanting to share your concerns at the first time of discomfort and waiting to make sure that it’s not a misconception about the friend’s behavior,” says Cullins. One good way to be certain that a friend’s behavior is not okay is to simply take notes. “Just keep mental, or actual physical notes of what’s happening, and what’s making you uncomfortable,” she says. “You need to remember what made you feel so uncomfortable, and you need to think about it in a way that feels concrete.” Otherwise, it’s easy to sound paranoid or biased.
Don’t Wait Too Long to Bring up the Problem.
Although husbands shouldn’t rush to accuse a friend of wayward intentions, waiting too long to talk about the problem, and racking up infinite instances where they were made to feel uncomfortable, could be a real issue. Bottling up feelings is never a good idea. “You should bring it up before it becomes such a big issue for you that you can’t discuss it with an even temper,” says Cullins. “Don’t wait until there are so many instances that by the time you talk to your wife about it, you’re literally flooding her with information.” Such an info-dump is going to make it very difficult for a partner to receive it all. Per Cullins, this tactic will always result in the question, ‘Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this?’”
Don’t Bring Up Concerns During an Argument.
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Two pieces of advice: Never eat fried dough before riding something called “the scrambler” and never, ever bring pent-up, off-topic points into a marital argument. One, the point can just become one part of several in the argument and be dismissed. More importantly, however, it will likely be perceived as a weapon in the conversation, rather than a legitimate concern. The best bet: Bring it up at a time when both parties are cool-headed, and maybe enjoying time together, rather than fighting.
Use “I” Statements.
Words matter during arguments. So it’s always a good idea for anyone bringing up such a topic to keep the conversation about themselves, and about their feelings because chances are their wife isn’t feeling the same way — at least not yet. “Say: ‘I felt uncomfortable when your friends said this,’” or, “Or, ‘it makes me feel concerned when your friends want to do that,’” says Cullins. In other words, it’s not right to assume how a partner feels about these things. They need time to work it out.
Accept That Your Concerns Might Not Be Taken Well
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Even if someone does everything right when they bring up that one friend, the conversation may not go well. When addressing, it’s essential for people to give their partners time to process this information.“Your partner is just thinking of this for the first time,” says Cullins. “If she does get defensive, don’t worry. Let them have a minutes to process it and even think about coming back to the discussion a couple days, or weeks, later so that they can go through their emotions that naturally come from having to have a hard conversation.” During this time, they might ask their friend to change their behavior or they might have a conversation about dialing down their relationship with their friend. In any case, it’s important to give partners time to think about the situation and let them think about how she will manage the issue.
Know When To Escalate The Problem, and Seek Outside Help
The worst thing a partner can do is dismiss the other’s feelings. “If you bring it up to your partner and they minimize your feelings or dismiss them in ways that make you feel unheard, you have to take the concerns up a level without making your partner feel ambushed.” In other words, if a partner won’t listen, they need to know how serious the problem. At such an impasse, Cullins suggests people speak to a third party about the problem, be it a confidant or a therapist. “That raises the level of concern with the partner to help them see that the issue is not going to be swept under the rug.”
Amy Dickinson: Widow bounces into new relationship
Dear Amy: I am a 51-year-old woman. My husband died two years ago.
I started talking to a man through one of the online games I play. It started out as mild flirtation. I asked him if he was married. He told me his marriage was basically over. He hadn’t felt anything for his wife in quite a while.
I thought that was a safe answer, and we decided to meet in person. I felt like we had known each other forever.
We’ve “been together” for seven months, and he is still with his wife. We don’t get to see each other very often, but he calls me every day. We love each other. He tells me he needs time to think about how to get out of his marriage without losing everything he’s worked so hard for.
He also has a job where he is required to live in his city, so moving in with me is not an option right now. I have a 13-year-old daughter living at home.
My adult sons are happy that I found someone, but are not happy that he is married, obviously.
He has brought me so much happiness when I was going through so much darkness. I don’t think I’m rebounding.
Everyone tells me that he won’t leave his wife, but he doesn’t even sleep with her. There is no love in their marriage.
How long is too long to wait for someone to make up his mind? — Wondering Widow
Dear Wondering: People who are rebounding usually don’t realize that they are rebounding. That is the self-deluding magic of a romantic rebound.
When someone says that his marriage is “basically over,” one response is: “Well, when it is actually over, I hope you’ll let me know.”
As it is now, he is “basically” committing adultery. This is not what good, steady, reliable, honest and loving people do.
If your daughter liked a guy in middle school who already had a girlfriend, would you tell her to charge ahead, regardless? Are you modeling positive relationship behavior? Because — make no mistake — she is watching.
Because you are willing to be in this relationship, he has little incentive to change his life.
For you, this relationship dangles unfulfilled promises, and over time, your own self-esteem will take a hit. I predict that whatever timeline you impose on his adultery, he will find ways and reasons to extend it.
This relationship seems to have pulled you back to life after your husband’s death. I hope you will take this experience and use it to meet other people who are more available to be in a fully committed relationship with you.
Dear Amy: My wife left the house and our kids (and me) four months ago.
She left us to be with a new man, and seems to be getting very serious in her new relationship and now is trying to have the children be OK with her new choice.
I have tried to let her know that it is too soon for them to be introduced to her new love interest. I have even sent her articles on how detrimental this is for our children.
What do I say to my children to try to prevent any future issues and have them grow up as “normally” as possible? — Devoted Dad
Dear Dad: You don’t mention the age of your kids, but, aside from what is going on with them, you should make sure that you and your wife have a legal separation agreement, with custody arrangements.
I agree that it is probably too soon for your children to absorb that their mother has bounced away from them (and you), and into another serious relationship. If she has visitation, you likely cannot prevent her from making this introduction, and so you should do everything you can to mitigate any fallout.
Don’t pump the kids for information. Make sure the kids know that whatever they encounter with their mother’s mixed-up life, you are their calm, steady, stalwart and supportive dad.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to the question from “Frustrated,” who was trying to cope with the heartbreak of living with (and caring for) her heroin-addicted daughter, who is currently sober.
Thank you for suggesting that these parents should seek peer support through Nar-Anon. Meetings really helped me during times when my family was hanging by a thread. — Sober Survivor
Dear Survivor: “Friends and family” support groups have helped countless people struggling with a loved-one’s addiction. Sometimes, “the chairs” are really a lifeboat.
Widow bounces into new relationship with married man
Dear Amy: I am a 51-year-old woman. My husband died two years ago.
I started talking to a man through one of the online games I play. It started out as mild flirtation. I asked him if he was married. He told me his marriage was basically over. He hadn’t felt anything for his wife in quite a while.
I thought that was a safe answer, and we decided to meet in person. I felt like we had known each other forever.
We’ve “been together” for seven months, and he is still with his wife. We don’t get to see each other very often, but he calls me every day. We love each other. He tells me he needs time to think about how to get out of his marriage without losing everything he’s worked so hard for.
He also has a job where he is required to live in his city, so moving in with me is not an option right now. I have a 13-year-old daughter living at home.
My adult sons are happy that I found someone, but are not happy that he is married, obviously.
He has brought me so much happiness when I was going through so much darkness. I don’t think I’m rebounding.
Everyone tells me that he won’t leave his wife, but he doesn’t even sleep with her. There is no love in their marriage.
How long is too long to wait for someone to make up his mind?
– Wondering Widow
Dear Wondering: People who are rebounding usually don’t realize that they are rebounding. That is the self-deluding magic of a romantic rebound.
When someone says that his marriage is “basically over,” one response is: “Well, when it is actually over, I hope you’ll let me know.”
As it is now, he is “basically” committing adultery. This is not what good, steady, reliable, honest and loving people do.
Read more:
If your daughter liked a guy in middle school who already had a girlfriend, would you tell her to charge ahead, regardless? Are you modeling positive relationship behavior? Because – make no mistake – she is watching.
Because you are willing to be in this relationship, he has little incentive to change his life.
For you, this relationship dangles unfulfilled promises, and over time, your own self-esteem will take a hit. I predict that whatever timeline you impose on his adultery, he will find ways and reasons to extend it.
This relationship seems to have pulled you back to life after your husband’s death. I hope you will take this experience and use it to meet other people who are more available to be in a fully committed relationship with you.
Dear Amy: My wife left the house and our kids (and me) four months ago.
She left us to be with a new man, and seems to be getting very serious in her new relationship and now is trying to have the children be OK with her new choice.
I have tried to let her know that it is too soon for them to be introduced to her new love interest. I have even sent her articles on how detrimental this is for our children.
What do I say to my children to try to prevent any future issues and have them grow up as “normally” as possible?
– Devoted Dad
Dear Dad: You don’t mention the age of your kids, but, aside from what is going on with them, you should make sure that you and your wife have a legal separation agreement, with custody arrangements.
I agree that it is probably too soon for your children to absorb that their mother has bounced away from them (and you), and into another serious relationship. If she has visitation, you likely cannot prevent her from making this introduction, and so you should do everything you can to mitigate any fallout.
Don’t pump the kids for information. Make sure the kids know that whatever they encounter with their mother’s mixed-up life, you are their calm, steady, stalwart and supportive dad.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to the question from “Frustrated,” who was trying to cope with the heartbreak of living with (and caring for) her heroin-addicted daughter, who is currently sober.
Thank you for suggesting that these parents should seek peer support through Nar-Anon. Meetings really helped me during times when my family was hanging by a thread.
– Sober Survivor
Dear Survivor: “Friends and family” support groups have helped countless people struggling with a loved-one’s addiction. Sometimes, “the chairs” are really a lifeboat.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
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