Relationships Talk

She immediately buys them everything they want to the point where there’s really nothing to purchase for birthdays or Christmas, because they want for nothing. She buys them more clothes than any child could ever wear before they outgrow them.

Recently she started giving them an unearned allowance of $20 a week, but she doesn’t actually “give” them the money. She instead takes them shopping so they can spend the money.

These children have so many things that they have no value in what they receive. They get a toy, play with it for the day and then it gets tossed aside and eventually donated when their mother cleans out their room.

I am very concerned about the impact this will have on them in the future, but she is not someone with whom we can reason. I have tried to counteract by discussing with the girls the value of saving money, and we hope to set up savings accounts for them. These girls are with their mother two-thirds of the time, so I worry that our message won’t get through to them.

Do you have any advice on what we can do to counteract the impact this is having on them? — Not-a-Spender

Dear Not-a-Spender: Your most valuable contribution to these girls will be to lavish them not with things, but with experiences. When they are with their father, he (and you) should develop routines and traditions that reflect your values.

Go places together, cook together, play board games and read chapter books as a family. Spend time in nature. Volunteer to pet and walk the animals at your local shelter.

Given how indulged these girls are, there is no need for you to go shopping with them, but they might not know how to do much else. Be very patient with them. Being overindulged and basically having material things thrown at you is depleting and sensory-shifting. Think of their time with you as a gentle detox.

Set up piggy banks and saving accounts for both girls, encourage them to save and learn to spend wisely.

Dear Amy: Several years ago, my sister died, leaving behind two young children.

Now they are older and want to know what my sister was like growing up.

I don’t know what to say. My sister was cruel and violent to almost everyone.

I don’t believe in criticizing anyone’s parent, but I really can’t come up with any happy memories. What do I say? — Conflicted Sister

Dear Conflicted: You should be circumspect in discussing your sister, but you should also be honest. Share any photos or letters (if appropriate) you have of the family during childhood.

You can say, “Honestly, she was a challenging person when we were kids. We didn’t really get along very well. But she loved you like crazy and I know she would be so proud of you.”

Do not say anything to these young adults that you might have to walk back later, but do answer their questions, if you can.

You could then segue to any memories you might have about your niece/nephew’s early lives (their birth, toddlerhood, etc.).

Dear Amy: I was very disturbed by your answer to “Toe the Line,” the young woman who was worried that her neighbors in upscale, liberal Northern California would call the police when her college friend, a male “person of color” visited the neighborhood.

Your response was so racist. First of all, you made the worst assumptions about these people, and secondly, you showed your own liberal bias and racist attitude toward white people. — Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: Many people contacted me expressing a view similar to yours, a view I find bewildering.

There is ample evidence of both overt and covert racism in this country, including several disturbing recent stories outlining the very fear that “Toe the Line” expressed — people calling the police because a person of color was simply sharing their space.

I can’t discern how confirming this concern and answering this question demonstrates my own anti-white bias. I am white, but I have children of other races, and I am quite aware of how life is sometimes quite different for them than it is for me.

She has pretty bad credit and even filed for bankruptcy two years ago. Will her poor credit hurt my credit score once we are married?

— Travis

Dear Travis: Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! Fortunately, your fiancée’s credit history will have no impact on your credit profile once you’re married. Information will only be shared on both of your credit reports if and when you apply for credit as joint account holders or you add her as an authorized user or account holder on your credit card accounts.

However, when you want to buy a home together, if you need both of your incomes to qualify for the mortgage and you apply jointly, her negative credit history will impact your mortgage rates. It will be important for you to work together to improve her bad credit score. I wish you both a lifetime of joy and happiness.

Dear Mary: My husband and I do not have, nor have we ever had, joint credit with the exception of one mortgage on which we are joint tenants.

How does that one joint mortgage with a bank affect our individual credit reports? Does all of his credit history now show up on my credit report, and will my credit history show up on his?

Dear Emily: Only joint accounts and accounts on which you are an authorized user will show up on your credit report. However, your state laws may have a different take on whether or not you could be held liable for each other’s debts. Some states have community property laws that might hold you responsible for your husband’s debts even though you are not on the account. You would need to check with an attorney on that.

Interestingly, FICO announced in 2007 that it would no longer recognize authorized users in the credit scoring process. However, that decision was reversed in 2008. Anyone who is an authorized user on another’s credit card account needs to know that all of the credit information on that account will be reported — not just positive data. If the account owner misses a payment or pays late, that negative information will be reported to your credit file as well.

I’m reminded of one reader who wrote he was an authorized user on his mother’s credit card account, simply so he could pay for her needs in her last years. She died and left a huge balance with numerous over-limit penalties and late fees. He was shocked to discover that all of the negative information was being reported to his credit file.

In the end, he was not responsible for the balance due and the account was written off, as she left no assets. But all of the negative information will be reported to his credit file for seven years from the date the account was written off. He has no recourse because the information being reported is true, albeit devastating. Authorized usage has its pitfalls.

Money tips

$5 GIFT GAME. Last year, all of our children were home for Christmas, so my husband and I decided we would hand out $5 bills to each one, go to a discount store and set a time limit of 10 minutes to find a gift AND get through a checkout line. Before we left home, we drew names. The kids still talk about it.

CHEAPER AIR. This past summer, it got so hot where we live that many nights it was nearly impossible to sleep. We have central air in our home, but making the room comfortable for sleep would require cooling the entire house, and that gets very expensive. We decided to buy a mini window-mounted air conditioning unit (for less than $150) for our bedroom that we run just long enough to cool the room before we go to bed. Our electric bill increased by only a few dollars.

— Marielle