Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce

WIFESPEAK: Before you take any marriage advice… – Daily Nation

What’s your take on wives washing their husbands’ underwear? A recent social media post on the same generated a heated debate that made me conclude that one man’s meat is another man’s poison.

The post read: A man I know beat up his new wife because she refused to wash his underwear.

Many people missed the abuse being reported in this post and instead focused on the washing of the underwear, or the refusal thereof. The comments came in fast and furious:

Just wash them, it’s no big deal.

Let him wash his inner wear, he is an adult for crying out loud!

Men, please, don’t embarrass the rest of us. Please. Just wash those basic intimate things like underwear and handkerchiefs. We should not be debating about this.

On and on it went, with two views, each downplaying or castigating the opposing viewpoints.

ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL

The reason such arguments become heated and inconclusive is that there is no one size fits all advice for a marriage.

Save for the violence and other forms of abuse that no one person should put up with, all other concerns have to be addressed by individual couples.

For example, some people will swear by joint bank accounts, which allows anyone of the couple to access their funds without reference to the other.

We tried this and I can assure you, it is not something I would advocate for anyone. Some troubles and fights are not worth a joint account. But our close friends think otherwise. They say that a joint account is the best thing for them after Wi-Fi.

“We each throw in there something every month. It has helped us sit and regularly discuss our financial health, ”  they say

There are couples who have agreed to first seek their respective parents-in-law as a first intervention when they have a conflict. Nancy reports her husband to his mother when she feels that he is behaving like a toothache.

“It’s his mother and she is a woman like me.  It works perfectly for us, because he listens to her and I respect that she understands my view from a fellow woman’s perspective.”

DON’T TRAUMATISE OTHERS

This sounds awesome, but in reality, very few mothers in law will see their daughter in law as a fellow woman, especially when she is in conflict with her son.

Most will side with their son and before you know it, there will be an Armageddon.

And so is the case for washing of the underwear. Since there is no Biblical, legal, social or political creed that says a wife must wash anyone else’s but her own underwear, by all means knock yourself out if that is what roasts your goose.

But please do not traumatise others by declaring that this is what should be the case in marriages.

And if you are planning on soon joining this never –dull-full -of -drama covenant of marriage, please come on board with an open mind.

Listen to all the advice out there, but come prepared to chart your own path-because each marriage, each couple is as unique as a thumb print.

I’m 48 and hesitant to bring my 19-year-old wife to the office party: Ask Ellie – Toronto Star

Q: I was 41-years-old when I was dating a lovely 16-year-old girl. I made the cardinal mistake of inviting her to my company party. The gossipmonger types engaged in salacious banter that hurt my reputation. I ended up leaving that job.

At 45, I’d asked my then-girlfriend (age 17) to accompany me to my office party. I told her not to volunteer any demographical information about herself and instructed her to tailor her appearance to “look a bit older.”

Unfortunately, a senior VP’s daughter was a high school classmate with my date and he recognized her right away. The shame and humiliation that I endured in the aftermath forced me to quit that employer.

Today, I’m on an executive track in a senior leadership role at a great company that has much career advancement potential.

I’m 48, and my gorgeous wife of eight months just turned 19. Heeding the lessons of my past, I’m extremely reluctant to take my wife to the party this week.

But skipping it would be detrimental from a networking standpoint.

However, if I attend with my wife, I risk possibly irking many people, especially since numbers of my colleagues have daughters in her same age-range. I don’t think this’ll go well in this #MeToo era. Should I attend the party alone?

Happy Holidays

A: It’s interesting that you don’t mention how your wife feels about this decision.

If you hold equal standing and respect in your marriage, despite your 29-year age difference, then her opinion must count equally.

The past is done, yet some facts about your previous relationships are worth reviewing.

Assuming that you were having sex with your girlfriends of 16 and 17 while in your 40s, the following should be noted:

In Canada, the age of consent to sexual activity is 16. However, in some cases, it’s higher (e.g. when there’s a relationship of trust, authority or dependency.) In the United States, the age of consent for sex varies by state, at 16, 17, or 18, with most set at 16.

It begs the question: Back then, how much say did your teenage companions have in your decisions?

They may’ve participated in legally consensual sex, but, when you were ordering someone to hide her age and “dress a bit older,” was that “a relationship of trust” which could have challenged its legality? Some of those “gossip-monger types” might have wondered.

Now for the present. Your wife at 19 now, was the legal age to marry months ago at 18, anywhere in North America except for Nebraska, the one state that sets the age of majority at 19.

So, now, what should you and your wife decide about the imminent corporate Christmas party?

Immediately discuss the choices together, being open and realistic about their pros and cons:

If you decide to skip the gathering, with its opportunities for meeting and chatting up top execs, then without a very plausible excuse, it can dim your career path.

If you attend with your wife, her youth may indeed be off-putting to some with similar-age daughters and/or raise #MeToo thoughts among currently-activist observers, despite her wedding band. That can also risk future promotions for you.

However, IF your wife feels that by going alone you insult and diminish her, that’s a risk to your relationship, and one you apparently hadn’t yet considered.

Your job prospects are important. But not more important than sharing a life of respect and love with a true partner. Decide together.

Ellie’s tip of the day

The age difference often matters less than the nature of the relationship.

EXPERT ADVICE. IN YOUR INBOX: Sign up for the Star’s advice newsletter, get the latest on relationships, etiquette and more.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Follow her on Twitter: @ellieadvice

Why Go to the Chapel or City Hall When You Can Say ‘I Do’ Like Aquaman? – The New York Times

Justin and Crystal Reynolds shared their first dance as husband and wife almost three years ago surrounded by friends, family, manta rays and whale sharks. They married submerged in 6.3 million gallons of water inside the Ocean Voyager exhibit at the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta.

“We definitely wanted to mix our wedding with diving because it was something we were so passionate about,” said Ms. Reynolds, 33, who lives in Weston, Fla., and is studying criminal justice and forensic psychology at Purdue University Global.

In preparation, the bridesmaid, groomsman and officiant achieved scuba certification. “Everyone had to wear a dive suit, and then, over the dive suit, we wore our wedding attire,” said Ms. Reynolds, who chose a lace gown. “My dress and my veil were weighted to keep them from flowing in the water.”

Mr. Reynolds, 33, the director of facilities at the Philip and Patricia Frost Museum of Science in Miami, his groomsman and the officiant sported tuxedo shirts, cummerbunds and bow ties.

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In preparation, the bridesmaid, groomsman and officiant achieved scuba certification. “Everyone had to wear a dive suit, and then, over the dive suit, we wore our wedding attire,” said Ms. Reynolds, who chose a lace gown, which was weighted.CreditGeorgia Aquarium

On Feb. 21, 2016, the ceremony was live-streamed to the couple’s church, Apostolic Life Tabernacle in Crestview, Fla., contributing to 300 total viewers, including 100 in-person invitees and additional Sunday morning aquarium visitors observing from beyond the habitat’s tank. “We could see them through the glass,” Ms. Reynolds said. “They had a section in the front blocked off for all of our family and friends, so everyone who we knew was closest to us.”

Following the aquatic ceremony, cost upward of $15,000, lasted 40 minutes and included catered appetizers by Wolfgang Puck, the newlyweds changed clothes and celebrated with a private reception in the Georgia Aquarium’s Oceans Ballroom.

Fittingly, the two met through PlentyOfFish, an online dating service, and Ms. Reynold’s engagement ring was a gold pearl atop a diamond band. The underwater union was the first for the aquarium. However, the destination hosts weddings and events in other spaces on site.

Many more places not readily associated with weddings are opening their doors to couples looking to embrace the unconventional. These brides and grooms are seeking out spaces where they feel a personal connection — regardless of the manpower involved or random passer-by guests in attendance.

“There are people who want to do something totally different and unique,” said Jen Campbell, the founder and creative director of Green Wedding Shoes, a website that profiles weddings from all over the world. “People are getting married older. They’ve already been to a lot of weddings. They want to do something different, so it feels special and unique to them.”

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Voodoo Doughnut has held celebrations for more than 1,000 couples in their various shops. Megan Davis and Teresa Fredericks were married May 19, 2016, by Ethan Colyer, a Universal Life minister and general manager of the Portland store, Voodoo Too.CreditBryan Rupp Photography

The Green Wedding Shoes archive shares a range of matrimonial celebrations, including ceremonies and parties in airport hangars, a bowling alley, a railroad museum, castles and outdoor spaces such as national parks with waterfalls.

“They look for something that isn’t your typical wedding venue,” said Ms. Campbell, who lives in Los Angeles. “Then they know they’ve been the only ones to get married there.”

Price points will vary greatly, even in nature settings that may be otherwise free to visitors. “It could be more expensive because you have to rent chairs and figure out logistics of everything,” Ms. Campbell noted. “Some people save money on that kind of stuff, too.”

If you’re on a super-tight budget and happen to like doughnuts — a lot — you’re in luck. You can marry or renew your vows for $1,000 or less at Voodoo Doughnut. (There are stores in Portland and Eugene, Ore.; Denver; Austin, Tex.; Orlando, Fla.; and Hollywood, Calif.) The shops’ wedding packages offer Voodoo doll bride and groom custom doughnuts, a doughnut heart centerpiece and coffee for as many as 60 guests.

Without doughnuts or coffee — to rent the space and utilize a Voodoo Doughnut celebrant — a ceremony with nine guests or fewer is an easy $100 (sales tax not included). A legal wedding ceremony, with officiant, at the shops are a tad more. For $350, included are custom doughnuts, menu-featured doughnuts and coffee for up to 24 guests at most locations. (At the downtown Portland location, you’ll have to limit your party to nine.)

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Sara Terrill and Tiffany Ford were married Oct. 27, 2016 at Voodoo Too doughnut shop in Portland. The company offers weddings with or without doughnuts.CreditSara Heise

Voodoo Doughnut’s first on-site wedding ceremony was in 2003 in Portland, and since then, more than 1,000 couples have been married at the company’s stores. Holidays like Valentine’s Day, April Fools’ Day and Halloween are especially popular.

“We did our first wedding at Voodoo within a couple weeks of opening,” said Kenneth Pogson, a founder of Voodoo Doughnut. The couple married in a tuxedo and white dress, as well as skull and zombie makeup.

Mr. Pogson and Tres Shannon, another Voodoo Doughnut founder, are ordained ministers through the Universal Life Church. All weddings at their stores are performed by employee officiants (there are a few ordained managers at each location).

Ceremonies at the doughnut shops typically take three to five minutes. “Afterward, we’re open for business,” Mr. Shannon said. “Sometimes we’ll make it private and shut the door, but usually there are perfect strangers still in the lobby or in the line.”

Beyond fried dough festivities, couples throughout the country have devoted themselves to one another, for better or for worse, at amusement parks, Taco Bell, and Costco Wholesale and Whole Foods Market stores, in part because they feel strong ties to these brands and businesses.

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Voodoo Doughnut has wedding packages for $350, including a legal officiant custom doughnuts, menu-featured doughnuts and coffee for up to 24 guests (at most locations).CreditSara Helse

At Taco Bell’s flagship Cantina restaurant in Las Vegas, “marriage is on the menu,” according to store’s wedding website. Fans of the fast-food chain — maybe those with fond date-night memories — can mark their unions in the presence of 25 guests (or fewer).

Within the restaurant’s chapel — yes, it has a chapel — each celebration involves a 30-minute ceremony with an officiant provided and a sauce packet bouquet for the bride to hold while walking down the aisle. A reception is held within the restaurant and various swag provided, including “Just Married” T-shirts, champagne flutes and a “Taco 12 Pack.”

The cost of exchanging vows? $600.

The event spaces synonymous with bowling, Lucky Strike Entertainment, located in 20 cities nationwide including New York, Boston, Chicago and Honolulu, also offer wedding reception packages. Each year, between 15 and 20 couples have their receptions with 20 to 120 friends and family members, pins, rental shoes and gutter balls. The price ranges from $80 to $100, per person. The average Lucky Strike Entertainment reception has 50 guests — but so far no couple has actually been legally married in the space.

One couple married at Voodoo Doughnut store 10 years ago is “coming back in a couple of weeks to do a recommitment ceremony,” Mr. Pogson said. “It’s nice to know that there are people out there who wanted a silly, little, fun, easy wedding, and that they’re having a happy life.”

“The ceremony doesn’t really mean anything,” Mr. Pogson said. “It’s the commitment the two people have that’s going to decide whether their love will last for all eternity.”

Even if it started under water.

“We didn’t even think it was possible,” Ms. Reynolds said of her underwater, aquarium wedding. “We lived in Georgia at the time, and we just kind of reached out to them on a prayer just thinking, ‘Hey, you know, what could happen? The worst they could say is ‘no’.”

Government's 'Right to Choose' campaign counters pressure of forced marriage – PRWeek

The Right to Choose campaign, with creative by agency FCB Inferno, is centred on a powerful 40-second film depicting three brides and a groom emanating sadness and dejection as a voiceover lists some of the arguments used to force people into marriage.

Telling people they will bring shame on the family if they do not comply, that it is their duty and that they have no choice are among the examples featured in the film.

Home Office: Forced Marriage from FCB Inferno on Vimeo.

The decision to concentrate on the mental pressures involved in forced marriage was prompted by research that identified a lack of awareness about the non-physical coercion and a need to highlight the emotional pressure and psychological guilt used against victims.

A series of posters, which have been translated into Urdu, Arabic, Somali and Welsh, depict the characters from the film surrounded by the types of words and phrases often used to pressure people into forced marriage.

And 15-second versions of the film, featuring each of the four individuals, have also been produced.

The key messages of the campaign are that forcing someone to marry is not always physical, but it is always against the law; and that victims should contact the government’s forced marriage helpline.

The campaign is being promoted across the Home Office’s Twitter, Facebook and Instagram channels, as well as by other government departments and police forces.

“We want to reduce the number of people forced into marriages against their will in the UK by challenging, empowering, and inspiring practising communities to change the way they perceive forced marriage and to take preventative action against this abhorrent practice,” according to a Home Office campaign pack produced for partner organisations.

And a web page developed for the new campaign states: “It can be hard to recognise when someone is being forced into marriage, especially when this involves psychological and emotional pressure, rather than physical abuse.

“For example, some victims of forced marriage are pressured by being made to feel responsible for bringing shame to their family.”

The new campaign “will raise awareness around this despicable crime and help protect victims”, according to Sajid Javid, the home secretary.

He is optimistic that “having these videos and using them on all sorts of platforms including social media will really make a difference”.

And Andy Tighe, comms director at the Home Office, said: “This eye-catching campaign is designed to show victims, families and communities that there is advice and support for them, and demonstrate that the UK will not tolerate people being forced to marry against their will.”


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