Relationships Talk

DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old daughter, “Alexa,” has a wonderful, well-paying corporate job with good benefits and a flexible schedule. She has low expenses, no debt and banks a respectable amount of her pay even though she lives 1,500 miles from home in a high-priced area. She works 40 hours max and has plenty of free time.

The issue? Alexa wants to quit her job and join the Peace Corps! Must we just say OK to chucking it all and moving to a Third World country?

Honestly, our biggest concern after her safety is her investing two years, moving back home and us having to support her while she looks for a post-Peace Corps job. My wife and I need to save for our own retirement, not spend it on our kids.

I’m trying to convince Alexa to use her free time to volunteer (something she does not now do). What advice do you have? — BAD IDEA

DEAR BAD IDEA: Talk to Alexa about your concerns for her future after she leaves the Peace Corps. Ask if she plans to use the money she’s been putting away as a cushion after her return in the event she’s unable to find a job right away. Then explain that you are asking because you need to build up your retirement monies and won’t be able to give her further financial support.

It’s the truth, and she needs to know it before she quits her job.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 20 years. I’m retired, but she still works 13-hour days in the ICU.

When she told me before we were married that she didn’t clean house, I didn’t realize she meant EVER! I run the dishwasher, I wash and dry clothes, and I pick up my stuff. When I cleaned the kitchen and put all the bills she had scattered around in one stack, I was told, “Now I can’t find anything! I have my own system, and you messed it up!”

She has promised that “when she has time” she’ll clean house, but several times when she had a few days off, she spent them playing Candy Crush on her tablet. I have never told her she must clean; I say WE need to do it. She ignores me.

Abby, we both have allergies and asthma issues, and the bugs are starting to get bad even though we don’t leave old food out. What can I do? Hope she forgives me after I clean? — IN A MESS IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR IN A MESS: No. The responsibility for ensuring your home is healthy and habitable should not rest solely on your shoulders.

I do think you should hire a house cleaner to come in once a week. Your wife has a stressful job, and when she’s off she may need to rest. Because you are retired and she’s still working, it shouldn’t break the bank, so discuss this option with her.

DEAR ABBY: I am a junior in high school, and there’s a cute guy on my cross country team I really like. What’s the best way to find out if he returns my feelings, and how can I deal with it if he doesn’t? — TEEN IN MONTANA

DEAR TEEN: A way to find out if a guy likes you is to start talking to him about your sport or other school-related subjects. If you do, you will soon see if you have anything else in common.

If he’s interested in talking to you, that’s a good sign. But if he isn’t, you’ll have to do what everyone else does: Accept the disappointment and move on.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

ALSO READ: The pros and cons of prenuptial agreements

Trying to plan your own tropical destination wedding can be a very confusing and stressful experience.  

You may start reading all the reviews, looking at the pictures on Pinterest and Instagram, researching the various wedding packages, calling a resort or two– but then the confusion really sets in.

Here are tips and tricks to plan a beautiful destination wedding without overloading yourself with stress.

1. Consider the budget

Like planning any vacation, a budget is going to dictate location, time of year and how long the festivities can last. Travel and hotel costs for you and your guests can fluctuate depending on if you’re travelling during peak-season versus low-season or during a holiday weekend.

Be sure to check your calendar and events happening in and around your destination location in advance.

2. Decide on a location

ALSO READ: What is the role of a maid of honor in a wedding? Seven duties to remember

The seasons in the decided destination will impact your preferred wedding date, but taking risks with weather seasons can also mean potential savings as hotels and resorts discount rooms and wedding packages to attract travellers.

3. Hire a planner

Though planning a DIY destination wedding is possible, the “destination” part of the equation often makes it necessary to hire another pair of hands to make the day run smoothly.

There are so many things that go into planning and you really have to be prepared weeks in advance of going to your destination.

4. Plan a preliminary trip

Another important factor in choosing a location is making sure it even has a venue that will fit your needs. Taking a scouting trip will give you peace of mind.

While it is an added expense, visiting venues and meeting local vendors in person is much more likely to result in a wedding that fits your vision than making a decision based on images and info you found online.

ALSO READ: Planning to say “I do”? Why you need to write your own wedding vows

A scouting trip will also let you experience first-hand what it’s like to travel to your wedding site, and you’ll be able to better decide whether it’s something your nearest and dearest will be comfortable doing.

5. Arrive early

Get there a few days before your guests do. Also, Notify guests well in advance. It’s important to give your guests plenty of time to calculate if they can afford the cost of travelling to your ceremony and reception. Break down to them every cost they might incur.

6. Research Local Marriage Requirements

If you are planning a destination wedding outside Kenya, then it is important to do some research on marriage requirements.

The legal side of tying the knot in a different country can be complicated. Many countries have a “residency requirement”, which means you must reside in the country for a certain length of time before your ceremony. Although this is usually just a few days, it can be longer.

7. Create a wedding website

It will streamline communication with guests and reduce your stress. A wedding website that shares useful information (e.g. where to go and how to get there, where to stay, what to wear and pack, etc.) makes life easier for everyone!

This is also the perfect place to provide details regarding any pre- or post-wedding events, as well as suggestions for things to do locally before and after the Big Day. If you decide to recommend the services of a travel agent, include his/her information here along with any other travel tips.

Prince William takes after his father more than is generally acknowledged. On the plus side he is, like Charles, intensely aware of his destiny and a stickler for duty.

But also, like his father, he is thin-skinned, hot-tempered and given to speaking his mind.

Kate Middleton is well aware of how jealous Charles was of the attention lavished on his wife, while he was figuratively (and literally at times) pushed to one side, and this goes a long way to explaining her frequently sphinx-like demeanor.

Kate is determined not to unleash in her husband the cataclysmic forces of envy that helped destroy the relationship of Diana and Charles. So she is very careful never to overshadow William, or suck up what William might see as his attention.

It helps, of course, that Kate quite clearly hates all forms of publicity, and is deeply uncomfortable being center stage. This is not a new thing; she was shy as a girl at school and at university, people who knew her then have told The Daily Beast.

Although she is now an adept performer at the endless round of royal engagements, on the very few occasions when she has had to make big set-piece public speeches she seems to visibly wilt under the spotlight.

What a contrast to Meghan Markle, who, as the world saw this week in her appearance at the British Fashion Awards, thrives in high-profile public appearances.

Although many critics, at the time of his marriage to Meghan, were dismayed at a member of the royal family marrying an actress with a blog and a very active social media presence, there is another, equally valid opinion: that marrying someone whose career took her into the public eye might be the smartest thing any member of the royal family has ever done (and this is not to dispute or undermine the fact that Harry is clearly head over heels in love with Meghan).

But whereas in William and Kate’s relationship the lesson of Diana seems to be that the wife should not be a star, Harry appears to have gone the other way, and consciously chosen a partner whose whole demeanor and bearing, let alone her clear humanitarian passion and emotional intelligence, reminds most people of the star power and glamor of Diana’s later years.

The problem, as Meghan’s turn at the BFAs showed this week, is that it is quite evident that it is going to be completely impossible for the charismatic and contemporary Harry and Meghan to avoid massively outshining the dowdy and reserved William and Kate (even if they were to try, which, currently, they appear not to be doing; for the latest proof of this, see the incredibly cool Sussex Christmas card released on Friday and compare it to the Cambridges’ deliberately Sloaney, middle-of-the-road choice).

On a personal level, a low profile might suit Kate fine, but William, with his father’s capacity for jealousy, is likely to be less amused by his little brother’s scene-stealing, and offended on behalf of the Crown.

Jealousy could be a dangerous fuel with which to feed the rift between the brothers—which some sources say is more pronounced than any animosity between the wives.

Indeed, according to some reports the two brothers have not seen eye to eye since William questioned Harry’s choice of Meghan, advising his brother not to rush into marriage, advice which was spectacularly ignored.

It all puts Kate in a terribly difficult position.

It’s hard to see how William can compete with Harry, so the only realistic way for the Cambridges to re-establish their position as top dog is through Kate.

If Kate were to be more engaged, active, visible, approachable, glamorous and touchy-feely, if she were to get some media training and generally act more like a celebrity with something to promote (more like Meghan in other words,) she could certainly steal at least some of the spotlight back.

There are some signs a move in this direction is happening. One thing that Kate has definitely done since her return from maternity leave is to up the glamor level of her fashion choices somewhat. She has earned praise for her high street looks and thrifty re-wearing over the years, but now Meghan’s multi-thousand dollar outfits have quietly raised the bar on pricey clothing.

While Kate has always worn top-of-the-range designer gear to formal receptions (lots of McQueen, Jenny Packham and Erdem) she has toyed with a sharper look at more casual daytime events in recent weeks, such as the outfit by Canadian label Smythe, who created the blazer she wore over unusually eye-catching flares in Cyprus last week.

Earlier this week, on a children’s hospital visit, Kate wore a green, polka-dotted day-dress. The Evening Standard decreed it “the perfect Christmas Day dress.”

And this is not just a battle of fashion choices, but also a set of wider choices in personal presentation, visibility, and volubility. The question Kate has to reckon with is, would an increased profile be worth it? How would it affect William if she once again became the star and he was just an add-on?

It’s an immensely tricky dilemma. But it is also a problem that urgently needs to be resolved if the Christmas truce that has been declared between the two camps—with Harry and Meghan staying in Kate and William’s house—is to develop into a long-lasting peace accord.

And here once again, Diana’s spirit could provide a torch to light the way.

Diana was confident that, amidst the emotional carnage of the royal family, her boys would be there for one another.

And, by and large, they have been.

As Harry himself has said, it was William who encouraged him to seek psychiatric help when his world fell into chaos in his late twenties.

“My brother was a huge blessing,” Harry has said of that time. “He kept saying, ‘This is not right, this is not normal—you need to talk about stuff. It’s not normal to think that nothing’s affected you.’”

Most powerfully of all, the brothers’ strength is that they are united by a determination that Diana’s fate will not befall their wives.

Of the two, William has been more open about this.

When Kate was photographed sunbathing topless in what she thought was a private garden in France, at a chateau owned by Lord Linley, the queen’s nephew, William issued a ferocious letter, which demanded journalists pull back from invading her privacy, saying the paparazzi harassment was ”reminiscent of the worst excesses of the press and paparazzi during the life of Diana, Princess of Wales.”

Although Harry did not mention Diana in his statement appealing for the press to lay off Meghan, it was clear she was in his mind when his spokesman said: “Prince Harry is worried about Ms. Markle’s safety and is deeply disappointed that he has not been able to protect her. It is not right that a few months into a relationship with him that Ms. Markle should be subjected to such a storm. He knows commentators will say this is ‘the price she has to pay’ and that ‘this is all part of the game’. He strongly disagrees. This is not a game. It is her life and his.”

The Sun reported this week that part of Harry’s irritation with William is born of a desire to protect Meghan from criticism, with a source saying, “Harry feels he couldn’t protect his mother, so he’s going all out to protect his wife. This is his way of atoning.”

Of course priorities change when wives and children enter the picture, even for brothers in arms.

Disagreements will arise; ideas as to the best way forward will conflict; but if they are to see their respective missions through, Harry and William must concentrate on what unites rather than divides them. They must rediscover the mutual love and support that saw them through the unimaginable challenges they faced as teenagers, and encourage their wives to follow suit.