Relationships Talk

If you’ve ever listened to Esther Perel’s podcast Where Should We Begin?, you know that the psychotherapist and TED Talk star practices a form of radical compassion that gets results, in the most surprising ways. No matter how locked-in-battle the couple seems to be, by the end there’s new light on the situation.

Prime example: Season one, episode three, where the Mating in Captivity author leads a young couple to talk honestly about a sexual impasse for the first time by encouraging the husband to put on his French-speaking role-play persona—to talk about his feelings, instead of his desire. It sounds like light comedy, a farce. But it’s intense. (Prepare to sob.)

In every episode, Perel at some point will offer up an insight or guide the conversation in a way that seems wrong, and even off-topic. Why are we talking about this when it’s clear that he/she is an entitled a-hole who needs to change?! But usually, it leads to an “a-ha” you never expected.

So it’s no surprise that as she trains her expert eye on the state of current relationships in general, she has diagnosed exactly what’s ailing us—and it’s a good news-bad news kind of thing.

The (very, very) good news is that we’re no longer in an era of marriage where, as Perel said recently at The New Yorker Festival, “The couple could be miserable for 30 years, you were stuck for life, you married once—and, if you didn’t like it, you could hope for an early death of your partner.”

“What used to be defined by rules and duty and obligation now has to take place in conversation. And so everything is a freakin’ negotiation!” —Esther Perel

The bad news: Today we’re living in “an absolute existential smorgasbord,” she says. Without the rigid old rules that enforced the status quo—and with increased cultural freedom to express sexual fluidity and authentic gender identity—most of us are figuring it out as we go.

“What used to be defined by rules and duty and obligation now has to take place in conversation. And so everything is a freakin’ negotiation!” Perel says.

“We have urbanized, and we have moved, and we have taken on radical individualism and aspirational materialism, and all of those things have created a playing field in which relationships are undergoing rapid changes. We have no idea how to handle them. Rules have been replaced by choices. But at the same time we have massive uncertainty and massive self-doubt. Every second book about relationships these days is about belonging and loneliness.”

In other words, with more freedom comes more talking. And it’s tiring. As Perel says, “We are not just in pain for no reason.” So give yourself—and your S.O.—a break.

The perfect couple-time activity in these trying times: karezza, which is basically hygge sex. And here’s why you might not want to think twice about snoozing together afterward. 

We vote no on the idea of money as the root of all evil. But it does turn out to cause quite a bit of trouble in relationships — and when it does you can likely point a finger toward one specific financial issue: debt.

More than half of all couples go into their partnerships with debt, and 40 percent say that this financial burden ends up having a negative impact on their relationships, according to a new Couples & Money study by Fidelity. Not only do couples disagree on whose responsibility the debt is — 49 percent contradict one another as to exactly who’s on the hook — couples who are concerned about paying down debt are also more likely to suffer from poor communication, fighting and difficulty having conversations about money.

And those things portend more trouble. According to a study from Utah State University, fighting about finances is a top predictor of divorce, with couples who fight frequently being 30 percent more likely to divorce than those who rarely argue. Thankfully, the next time you feel a quarrel brewing, you don’t have to give in to temptation, and you may even be able to stop your fight — along with your debt— in its tracks.

Understand Why Money Is So Stressful

Rarely do couples walk into a divorce attorney’s office and announce, “We want a divorce because we’re having money problems,” but ultimately, money is at the root of many divorces, explains Bernard G. Post, New York City matrimonial attorney. “When you can’t communicate about money, then neither party is going to recognize when they’re living beyond their means, or when you need to cut back on your expenses,” he says.

For so many of us, it’s the unknowns that cause the most stress — How will I be able to pay this down? How much debt do I have? What’s the interest rate? According to the Federal Reserve, Americans underestimate how much student loan debt they carry by 25 percent and underestimate their credit card debt by 37 percent.

In some cases, a couples’ debt might be so high that they find themselves worried about affording something basic, like a light bill, because their credit card payments are so high, Post says. But in other situations, couples may actually go into debt in an effort to save a marriage that’s already in trouble, Post explains. “A spouse might think, ‘We’re unhappy because we have an old car,’ so they go out and buy a brand new car to cheer themselves up, but no one stops to ask, ‘Can we afford this?.”

Check Your Egos At The Door

Couples with money problems who want to save their relationship should immediately try to get over any social embarrassment they may feel when they scale back their lifestyle, Post says. Oftentimes couples will hesitate to sell their nice cars, or to give up their membership at a country club or gym because it’s important for them to keep up appearances that everything is normal and happy. “They’re worried that people will talk, and say, ‘Oh, they went broke.’ But if you continue to keep up a standard of living you cannot afford, you’re going to find yourself in a courtroom, headed for divorce, bankruptcy, or both.”

Get Everything Out On The Table

It’s easy to get lost in your finances when you have various cards with differing interest rates and balances, so organization is key, says Elisabeth Kozack, VP of product innovation and customer experience at Marcus by Goldman Sachs. Once you figure out exactly what’s owed and to whom, you and your partner can sit down and talk about which method you’ll use to pay down your debt. Two of the most common are the “snowball” and “avalanche” methods. With the snowball method, you’d start by paying off your debts starting with the smallest balances first. This would allow you to see some early wins, close some outstanding accounts, and start to build up your debt-paying momentum. With the debt avalanche method, you’d pay down your debts starting with the highest interest rate loan first, regardless of the balance owed. This method allows you to save the most money on interest, thereby helping you get out of debt more quickly. You can also look into debt consolidation, which would mean combining your existing debt into a single new debt, Kozack says. Along with potentially only having one payment, debt consolidation could result in a lower monthly payment and a lower interest rate.

Seek Professional Help

Whether you see a financial planner, a couples counselor, or both, it’s time to see someone ASAP if you find yourself fighting about money often, says Brent Weiss, CFP and co-founder at financial services firm Facet Wealth. “A financial planner can help you understand how you can best use your assets to help you achieve the goals you set out with. A couples counselor can help reveal things you didn’t know about your relationship with money, and your relationship with one another.” Both professionals can help you see how some of your relationship problems may have been compounded by your financial worries.

Counselors and advisors are also great at helping couples learn to compromise over certain things, since most couples seem to have unlimited goals and limited finances. “If you want to put your kid in the fancy day care, maybe that means you’ll need to put off buying your dream home for a couple of years. These are hard decisions, but you’ll never be able to make them if you can’t have honest conversations. And if you try to buy all the goals, you’re going to overextend yourself, and then things are going to get bad. So it’s nice to have someone walking you through all of these decisions.”

Consider A Prenup Or Postnup

One way of making sure you’ll stick to your financial goals is to put them in writing. If you’re not married yet and money is a source of stress for your relationship, look into getting a prenuptial agreement, Post says. As part of the agreement, both parties are required to disclose all of their assets and liabilities. So if your partner has been evasive when you ask them exactly how much student debt they have, a prenup enables you to find out the details. In this contract, you can also lay any ground rules for debt repayment, establishing a “What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours” agreement if desired. If you’ve already walked down the aisle and money pressures are threatening the relationship, you can look into a post-nuptial agreement that can set all the same ground rules after the fact. “No one really talks about the postnup that often, but sometimes even in good marriages you have economic distrust, and this can solve those problems,” Post says.

Focus On The Positive Future

And once you’re on the straight and narrow, make sure to take the time to dwell on where all this new economic strength is going to take you. Notes Weiss: “If you’re behind the 8-ball with your debt, it can feel like money is toxic. But if you work out a plan, suddenly money becomes amazing. It becomes the thing that allows you to achieve these amazing goals.”

With Kathryn Tuggle

HOW TO GET OUT OF DEBT

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Published Dec 15, 2018 at 8:00 am (Updated Dec 15, 2018 at 7:51 am)

The Premier said yesterday that the Government paid $14,000 for legal advice before it decided to take its battle to ban same-sex marriage to the Privy Council in London.

David Burt told the House of Assembly the Government had spent £11,250 — about $14,140 — on legal advice so far in connection with its appeal to the island’s highest court of appeal.

He added that the Bermuda Court of Appeal case last month cost £41,750, about $52,000.

The on-island costs, however, were about $9,000 lower than those given by the Ministry of Home Affairs about two weeks ago.

A spokeswoman for Mr Burt explained later that the Premier’s figure did not include the cost for travel for the London-based barrister retained to argue the Government’s case.

The home affairs ministry said earlier that the cost to hire James Guthrie QC, for the Court of Appeal case, fly him to Bermuda and house him in the island totalled $61,188.

That amount did not include the effects of a costs order — which required Government to pay for both sides of the legal battle — or any other legal expenses that may have been run up.

Walter Roban, the Minister of Home Affairs, said yesterday that the case was important to Bermuda’s people and that the Government wanted to go to the highest court of appeal to “get it right”.

However, Rod Ferguson, one of the parties in the landmark case, said stringing out the legal battle would hurt Bermuda.

He said: “The Government’s efforts to repeal same-sex marriage have come at quite a cost, not only monetarily, but also in terms of the impact on Bermuda’s LGBT community, and our island’s reputation overseas.

“The courts have not found merit in the Government’s legal defence thus far and are highly unlikely to do so upon appeal.”

OutBermuda, a gay rights charity, also said it was disappointed by the Privy Council move.

Zakiya Johnson Lord, director of OutBermuda, said: “Our courts have consistently reaffirmed the equal right of same-sex couples to marry.

“To fan the flames of discrimination is irresponsible and costly, on all levels.

“We want to come together. Marriage equality has come to our shores. Let’s put this in the ‘done’ column and keep moving forward together as a people.”

The announcement put the island back in the international media spotlight. NBC News in America, the Jamaica Gleaner and other media organisations all reported the story.

However, a spokesman for Preserve Marriage, a campaign that fought to keep a ban on same-sex marriage, welcomed the decision to go to the Privy Council.

Melvyn Bassett, the group’s chairman, said: “We are pleased that the Government is doing its best to represent the views of the obvious thousands of Bermudians, as well as those shared by Preserve Marriage and Family Bermuda.”