Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Did you hear the one about the wedding from HEL? – Grand Island Independent
Did you happen to catch the episode of “Dr. Phil” on weddings?
One couple was having a major disagreement over the cost of their impending nuptials and came to Dr. Phil to help them find a solution.
He has $2,500 in savings; she has none. That’s not so bad, I thought. At least they are talking in terms of cash.
And then the bride dropped the bomb.
Because she’s in her mid-30s and she has waited so long to get married, she feels absolutely entitled to the lavish wedding of her dreams, complete with Ecuadorian roses to the tune of $7,000 — and I mean just for the roses. She said the wedding she has her heart set on will cost $48,000.
You should have seen the look on her fiancé’s face at the mere mention of that price tag. He was visibly mortified. She went on to say that she wouldn’t dream of putting this expense on credit cards but a home equity loan (curiously also known as HEL) would be the way to go. They didn’t say, but I got the feeling it was his home equity she is eying.
She said rather nonchalantly, “$48,000 isn’t really that much to pay back. I don’t think it would be that hard.”
I couldn’t help wonder: If coughing up $48,000 in big monthly payments after the fact wouldn’t be a problem, why hasn’t she been saving that kind of money all along? I ran some numbers on a $48,000 HEL at 7 percent on a 15-year schedule and discovered it would be about $285 a month … for 15 years! Their kids will be getting ready for high school and she’ll be turning 50 before they finish paying for their wedding.
Dr. Phil was great … counseled them exactly right (like he needs my stamp of approval). I recall his reaction was something close to “Are you out of your mind?!” and he pointed out the typical wedding ceremony lasts for about 30 minutes.
He went on to advise they should do whatever they must to keep the cost of the wedding within the limits of the cash they have. I believe he sided with the groom, who had a backyard barbecue wedding in mind. Actually, I thought the idea had real possibilities.
Have you ever had a home equity loan? Unlike our bride-to-be, who obviously never has, let me tell you they’re not that easy to pay back. Oh, I know, lenders make it sound like your home equity is a stack of $100 bills sitting in a vault somewhere just waiting for you to come down and pick up.
Home equity is one of those things you should consider out of reach for now. For most people, home equity is the one appreciating asset they’ll ever know during their lifetime. Nibbling away at it to pay off credit card debt, a vacation or a wedding is just foolish. The goal of homeownership should be to one day actually be a homeowner, not a forever mortgage owner.
I hope Dr. Phil does a follow-up show on our couple. I’ve got my fingers crossed that they heard him loud and clear. The best wedding gift they can give each other is a receipt that says “paid in full.”
Marriage is tough enough without the complications of a heavy load of debt.
Dear Mary: It’s a long story. In a nutshell, I ran up more than a few credit card accounts (OK, seven), lost my job and stopped making payments. Now all of those accounts have been charged off.
Can these creditors still come after me? I no longer hear from any of them, or from any collections companies either. Is it possible that I just don’t owe the money?
— Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: It does make sense that you no longer owe the money. After all, if they’re charged off, it sure sounds like the debt went away, right? And it did — just not away from you. Even though those accounts have been charged off, you still technically owe the money.
While statutes of limitation vary from one state to the next, in the most basic terms, a debt is owed until it is paid.
In addition to damaging your credit score, an unpaid charge-off could really hurt you when applying for a mortgage, renting an apartment or competing for a job. Most businesses are leery of someone with long-term unpaid credit accounts. Many will overlook a previous history with late payments if you eventually paid what you owed, but usually, they’re less forgiving if you did not.
Your charged-off accounts will remain on your credit reports for seven years and then must be removed under the Fair Credit Reporting Act. So, if you decide not to pay, you will have to wait seven years from the date of the last activity on those accounts for the charge-off(s) to no longer affect you.
You made a mistake and hopefully learned some things that will prevent you from making the same mistake in the future. The best way to move forward is to clean up the debt mess you made by paying what you owe and not falling into this trap again.’’
Abby: Affair with married man gets sister’s disapproval – The Detroit News
Dear Abby: My sister has been having an affair with a married man. When I asked if he was going to leave his wife, she said no, and it was fine with her. She claims his wife is fat and that they have a son with severe disabilities, and she (my sister) wouldn’t want the responsibility of that, even though I’m sure the boy would stay with his mother.
She refers to him as her “honey,” and he buys her things. (She has always been materialistic.) She stays in contact with him constantly on her iPad and says how much he loves her.
I would want to be open and have everyone get to know about my honey instead of sneaking around. When I say I don’t believe he loves her, she gets mad and accuses me of being jealous. I also told her that if I loved someone, I’d want to be with him and not communicate via email. Gifts wouldn’t make up for the person not being with me, especially if I claimed to love him.
I was in a relationship with a married man once, but I wasn’t happy about it and ended it. Am I off base because I feel the way I do?
Sneaking Around in Maine
Dear Sneaking: You’re not off base. But you’re also not your sister. The two of you appear to have very different values. While you want a full relationship, the “crumbs” and goodies she’s getting from her honey may be enough for her, and she may regard their stolen moments as exciting. If she were hoping for more than the status quo, I would say she’s wasting her time. But she seems to know the score.
Dear Abby: I know three people who have cancer. One is terminal, one is probably terminal and the other is possibly terminal. The second and third individuals I’ve known for a long time. The terminal person, however, is a social acquaintance — someone I met through a close friend.
Over the last two years we have socialized a half-dozen times, but we’ve never had an extended conversation, and I don’t especially like her. As her condition has worsened, she has withdrawn from most socializing. I receive updates from my friend, who takes her to appointments, shopping, etc. when she can’t drive herself or when she feels the woman needs company. Officially, I don’t know anything. But I was told her oncologist has informed her she’s got six months.
My question is: Should I contact her? I’ll feel like an idiot and like I’m invading her privacy if I do, yet somehow guilty if I don’t. The only thing I would say to her is that I’m sorry this has happened to her. My gut tells me I should keep quiet, but my guilt is getting in the way.
Friend of a friend
in New York
Dear Friend: I assume you know as much about this woman as you do because your good friend is confiding in you. If you don’t know anything “officially,” I assume your friend was sworn to secrecy and chose to tell you because she receives emotional support from you. I see nothing to be gained by inserting yourself at this point, and you should not feel guilty for keeping your distance. Listen to your gut.
Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Read or Share this story: https://www.detroitnews.com/story/life/advice/2018/12/16/abby-affair-married-man-gets-sisters-disapproval/38739535/
Wife learns she isn’t named as husband’s beneficiary – Detroit Free Press
Dear Amy: I am nearing 70 years old.
My friends and family consider me a very smart woman whom they frequently seek out for advice. Now I need some advice.
I married in my teens, was divorced in my 30s and remained single for over 20 years.
I dedicated those years to my children, and they are fine, family-oriented, responsible adults.
In my late 50s I met a man whose company and conversation I enjoyed. He’s tall, dark, handsome, financially responsible and passionate.
Five years later, in our 60s, we got married. We’ve enjoyed our life together.
Unfortunately, recently I found out that my husband’s first wife is the beneficiary on his pension. He says that because of government intervention in their pension plan, this can’t be changed!
Amy, I am hurt and distraught.
I don’t want to live my golden years worrying that I won’t be able to take care of myself financially if my husband dies first.
He has no life insurance, and he gets my pension if I die first.
What bothers me the most is that he acts like he doesn’t care!
I want to leave him, but I don’t want to make such a big change at this age.
I don’t look at my husband the same way anymore. I can’t think clearly about this. Any suggestions?
– Upset
Dear Upset: Your husband might have agreed to this beneficiary arrangement as part of his divorce settlement with his former wife. You should confirm whatever legal obligation he has made to her.
Because of your ages, you two should see a lawyer and/or accountant with expertise in estate planning. You should have full knowledge of all of your mutual assets.
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I am not a lawyer, but I simply do not believe that your husband cannot change beneficiaries. With my own retirement account and company pension, it is very easy to do. And as your husband’s legal spouse, you might automatically be considered his beneficiary. You need to find out.
Dear Amy: Do dinner hosts have an obligation to warn guests that they are sick and contagious?
My dear, very close friend, “Sandra,” hosts a dozen or so family and friends for Thanksgiving dinner each year.
We have an adult daughter at home who is bedridden with a severe, debilitating chronic illness that makes her very fragile. My husband and I care for her, with help from hired caregivers.
Sandra knows how fragile my daughter’s health is and what lengths I have to go to every day to avoid bringing home germs that could make her gravely ill. Even a cold would likely require her to be hospitalized.
This Thanksgiving, when we arrived at Sandra’s house, she greeted us by saying, “Don’t get too close, I have a cold.”
Shortly thereafter, her husband entered and announced how sick he was. Everyone glanced around uncomfortably.
I said, “Wouldn’t you feel more comfortable in bed?” He responded that he didn’t want to miss Thanksgiving dinner.
We stayed about an hour, socializing but trying to avoid contact with the hosts. When I saw the chairs crowded around the dining table, I realized that there was no way to avoid being in close contact with Sandra and her husband.
I knew in my gut that the risk was too high, so I quietly, politely and apologetically told Sandra that we had to leave, and why.
My husband says I should’ve made up a fake excuse, but, upon reflection, I wonder whether Sandra should’ve called me that morning to let me know that she and her husband were contagious, giving us a chance to bow out in advance.
– Cold Carrier
Dear Carrier: You did the right thing by exiting politely, and by telling the truth regarding your reasons. Given the severity of what you are coping with, why should you make up a fake excuse?
Yes, “Sandra” should have called you in advance, giving you the option of making an informed choice about whether to attend. But understand that as the hosts of a large dinner, “Sandra” and her husband were likely distracted that morning, and might have simply forgotten the impact of their health on your family.
Dear Amy: I want to weigh in on whether friends and family should disclose knowledge of an affair to the affected spouse.
I went through this. After years of being cheated on, I discovered my husband’s infidelity and we divorced. I felt quite betrayed that others knew and didn’t tell me. I agree with disclosure, handled gently.
– Recovered
Dear Recovered:
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamyamydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/12/16/marriage-financial-advice/2161174002/
Mom told her late dad was a cheater – Detroit Free Press
Hi, Carolyn: I’m the oldest child, with two younger brothers. My dad passed away about five years ago. My mom told me my dad cheated on her all their married life, until he got too old. She had hinted at that before.
When I asked her why she stayed with him, she replied that he always came back to her. A reply, I think, just as abused women would reply. My brothers adored my dad and still do. They think he did no wrong and admire his accomplishments. Do I have an obligation to correct the record for them on my dad’s true self, or do I just keep this secret to myself? I feel they should know his true character and make up their minds about that.
I don’t know why she told only me. Could it be because I’m a woman? She once told me she was annoyed that I was “admiring” my dad and praising him so much. I don’t know if she’d want me to tell my brothers. She is still living; she almost never talks about feelings, perhaps because, after she lost her dad to Nazis, she was told to never be sad or cry.
— Torn About the Truth
Maybe she didn’t leave him, and doesn’t dwell on her feelings in general, because she had already witnessed what to her were far more terrible things. Maybe she admired his accomplishments, too, even knowing his “true character.” Staying isn’t only for victims. It also can appeal to pragmatists, optimists, cynics, romantics, moral relativists, thoughtful parents, loyal partners, next-level compartmentalizers, cheaters in kind, and just comfortably complicated people.
I see why you are torn, regardless. Secrets are heavy. Unanswered questions are, too.
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You’re looking for an answer between you and your brothers, though, when your mom appears to be the one rich with useful information none of you has tried, or dared, to harvest.
Be mindful as you proceed of any lasting effects of trauma, of course. But do take your question to her before you do anything else. If she has a nuanced view of your father, then it could do a lot to inform and clarify yours — which would make any answer you come to on the do-I-share-this-truth question a much more agreeable one.
Dear Carolyn: For Thanksgiving, I stayed with long-term friends and their family. They had a full house, with host and hostess sleeping on recliners in their den. I offered to bring my air bed. The host insisted on providing an air bed from her daughter.
On the third of four nights, the air bed developed a leak. No jumping, no roughhousing, no sharp objects, no second person on the bed. I refilled it every few hours. Several days later, my long-term friend advised me she had purchased a new replacement air bed, expecting me to reimburse her for the $300 cost. My suggestion of paying a pro-rated amount if the bed was not new and under warranty was viewed as rude and insensitive.
Needless to say, my suggestion for the family to send me the leaking bed if I paid for the replacement — since I could possibly patch the leak — was also viewed as rude and insensitive.
If the situation were reversed, I’d feel terrible the bed I provided failed. I’d consider how long I’d owned the air bed and figure out a prorated amount, or just chalk it up to wear and tear.
What to do? — D.
Pay the $300 and drop the request for the deflated bed. As in, grab the smallest loss in a no-win situation. The temptation is great to suggest you also find better friends, because the stoopage to billing anyone for the failure of a non-abused air mattress is so low that I struggle to imagine any kind person who’d do that. Air mattresses eventually fail! All the time. Even the fancy expensive guaranteed no-fail ones, even under boring one-sleeping-person use, I can painfully attest to myself.
This is just the pettiest host behavior in my recent memory. Not even four nights in a recliner amid floors “full” of holiday houseguests, which gives me an eye twitch just thinking about it, suffices to explain your friend’s astonishing lack of grace.
But new friends take time, and maybe you still have hope for these old ones … though it could easily be misplaced. So: Pay this problem away and put time and effort into nurturing this friendship (if you still value it) and into cultivating others; and try not to be a houseguest anywhere past a second night.
Email Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, follow her at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/12/16/marriage-cheating-parent/2288029002/
