Relationships Talk

WASHINGTON: Are you being phubbed by your spouse? In a survey done by Baylor University polling 308 adults, 46.3% felt they were being “phubbed” by their partner as a result of technology. Phubbed means being snubbed by your spouse in favor of playing on their phone.

Another shocking smartphone survey of 1000 couples, results showed that one in 10 people admitted to checking their phones while they were having sex. Talk about a lack of intimacy.  Talk about getting phubbed.

But technology doesn’t have to be the enemy. These are some of the best ways that tech can improve your marriage.

It Provides Entertainment

It’s easy for tech to get in the way romance. Really easy.

Studies show that the average smartphone user checks their phone on the average of 2,617 times each day! This means the time you could be spending with your sweetheart is being interrupted by you responding to a text or scrolling through social media feeds.

Not very romantic, is it?

One excellent piece of marriage advice for keeping tech in its place is this: use tech as a bonding experience with your partner. Settle in with your phones on silent and use your electronics to watch some of your favorite television. Another idea is to make some popcorn and listen to your favorite podcast or book with your spouse while you’re cuddled up on the couch.

Helps you Stay in Communication

One of the biggest ways that tech can improve your marriage and squash a lack of intimacy is by allowing you to stay in communication throughout the day.

Sending texts or video messages is a great way to keep your communication alive while you’re away from each other. Of course, you don’t have to obsessively text all day long, but letting your partner know you are thinking about them is a kind gesture.

Even something as simple as sending a heart-eyed emoji or tagging your sweetheart in a funny or sweet IG meme will put a smile on their face.

Marriage Exercise with Tech

Using tech to get fit as a couple is a great piece of marriage advice. Studies show that couples are more likely to stick to an exercise routine if they are doing it with a romantic partner than going solo. They will also have better form and more drive to stay fit and active.

There are many health trackers you can download or even wear to help you and your spouse get fitter together. Step-counters and healthy eating are just some of the ways you can use tech to improve your marriage.

Pregnancy and Period Trackers

Does tech have to contribute to a lack of intimacy in a marriage? Hardly. In fact, there are many apps designed to help you get a little closer – if you know what we mean.

Pregnancy and period tracker apps log a series of daily symptoms. By tracking period dates, mood, sexual habits and sex drive, physical symptoms and more, these apps can help you with natural family planning or pregnancy prevention.

If desired, you can share these apps so that your spouse can access the information in it. This way he’ll know when you’re fertile, frisky, or… eh-em, feeling a little more emotional that week.

You Can Play Together

In a research study done with 349 married gamers, a whopping 75% said they wished their spouse would put more time and energy into their marriage. Don’t let gaming tear you apart. Instead, use it to bond you together.

Play a shooter game where you are on the same side, fighting against the world together. This is an adorable way to show your spouse you’re on their side and are willing to protect them at a moment’s notice.

Decision-based video games, such as those from the Telltale brand, can draw couples into epic storytelling while enhancing cooperation that’s sure to improve your marriage.

Perfect for Long Distance Moments

Long distance is hard for married couples. Whether you’re away for work or traveling with friend’s sans spouse, tech can help improve your marriage and banish loneliness.

Video chat is the next best thing to being face to face with your spouse. Not only can you hear and see them in real time, you’ll also be able to do things together. Many couples like to sync up their favorite shows and watch them while on video chat.

Married couples can also use video chat to share intimate moments of a more private nature together.

Dirty Flirty Texts

One great way to extinguish a lack of intimacy in marriage is through technology. Something as simple as sending a suggestive text or photo will start an exciting round of all-day foreplay between you and your spouse.

This is great because it builds sexual chemistry and keeps you both thinking about each other all day long.

Remember that suggestive does not have to mean nude. A photo of you licking your lips, candles in the bedroom, or a piece of lingerie draped around a doorknob will get the message across in a way that is sexy and safe.

It Makes for an Excellent Date Night Service

Another awesome way that technology can improve your marriage is by giving you both something to look forward to. Monthly subscription food boxes are a great way to bring romance and entertainment into your marriage.

Look for boxes that promote bonding. A wine box subscription will deliver a tasty selection of drinks to your home every month. This is the perfect accompaniment to your at-home date night.

Monthly cooking boxes give couples something to do together while providing tasty and healthy meals. Plus, if you screw up the recipe it makes for a hilarious memory together.

There are also couple’s boxes designed to promote sexual intimacy via naughty toys, communication cards, lingerie and more.

Remember that tech is what you make of it. You don’t have to be one of the 70% of couples wishing their spouse was spending more time with them or suffering with a lack of intimacy. Use technology to better your relationship and strengthen your bond.

Dear Lori and Jeff,

We need some advice and tools for learning how to coexist peacefully with diverging political views. We’ve been married for 27 years, and love each other very much. When we met neither of us was politically inclined, though one of us leaned more conservative and the other more liberal. Over the past few years we’ve both been paying more attention to what’s going on nationally, and our opinions have grown stronger in opposing directions. Sometimes it feels like we don’t even know who the other is. How do we keep our marriage strong when it seems our values have become so different?

Signed,

Red and Blue

Dear Red and Blue,

Lori and Jeff: An elephant and donkey can do more than simply coexist in the pasture — if they are willing to recognize their similarities are bigger than their differences.

Jeff: There are really two variables in your situation that would significantly affect my response. The first is whether your current political views were pre-existing (but hadn’t yet been evoked by a particular political climate) or if they have developed as a result of changing personal values and beliefs.

If it’s the former, you may have a greater challenge in resolving your differences because the stances you are both taking now are rooted in much deeper patterns of belief. This scenario may require you to have the “deal-breaker” conversation — an opportunity to honestly assess whether particular personal aspects (political beliefs, values, life plans, etc.) are things you ultimately are willing to accept about your partner even if they are different from your own.

If it’s the latter, you will need to name it a significant transition in your relationship (like getting married, having children, becoming empty-nesters and retirement) and have a renegotiation around how you will work through the changes and your diverging views. It may be, if you can’t see eye-to-eye on current political issues, that you agree to leave those discussions and interactions out of the relationship.

Another question to consider is whether this political divergence is a manifestation of something deeper. It’s often easier to take sides with something external like politics and avoid more internal issues that may be pulling you apart.

Lori: When we align with a candidate, politician or party, it is rarely about them specifically and more often about what they represent. While we tend approach politics from an analytical perspective — exploring ideas, policies and proceedings from the head, we often attach to these matters from the heart. Political decisions have implications to us personally, and it is our emotions that are really drive our debates. Take time to tune in to the stories tied to your political proclivities. What hopes, dreams or reliefs do they represent? What fears and vulnerabilities are each of you experiencing in the current political climate? Move the focus away from Washington and recenter on what’s happening inside for each of you. Take time to hear each other’s wants, needs and fears and bring compassion back to your conversations.

Lori and Jeff: At the core, most of us want the same things for ourselves and our families — safety, security and the opportunity to prosper. The realm of politics is currently an emotional trigger for many of us, and seemingly more divisive by the minute. We think you’d benefit by stripping off the political labels and focus on what makes you special to each other.

Lori and Jeff are married, licensed psychotherapists and couple-to-couple coaches at Aspen Relationship Institute. Submit your relationship questions to info@AspenRelationshipCoaching.com and your query may be selected for a future column.